Taking Heartbroken Experience to The New Level

[Neet]

About Me and My Relationship View

As a woman in her late 20's - nearly facing 30's-, I was keen on settling down. Whenever I jumped into a relationship, I always try to see it as something serious. Facing arguments and problems with clear communication and try to work it as a team. Because that's what I always believe, - that every problem is something that we can always learn from, something that makes us grow stronger. I have dealt with those "domestics" in this relationship, and I'm quiet proud of myself until I realize now that the test is actually getting more challenging for me.

How It Started

I have been in this relationship for 1 year and 2 months now. Not that overly long, however we started as a stranger. First time we met, we both agreed that we attracted to each other and keen to keep seeing each other. I didn't know him as much except from the story that he told me and so did he. It's only about 3 weeks until he told me about his feelings and his wish to keep this relationship going. Me, on the other hand, was confused and feeling a bit uncertain. I had been just recently broke up before I met him, and with little knowledge of this person whom I just met, I wasn't ready. I have higher vision of what is my ideal outcome of a relationship, -which I explained to him-. However, I finally decided to take the leap and started this relationship.

The Beginning

Everything went well in the beginning, we had our challenges, arguments, fights, but we also had our good time. He is not that 'perfect' man, his past wasn't very bright, he has an issue which might related from his upbringing. But as the time went by, I learned to love this man no matter what the circumstances. I accepted him as he is. We decided to live together pretty much around 1 month after our first date and we are still until now.

The Changeover

However things are changing now. We've passed that honeymoon phase and he started to say things that is completely the opposite. He slowly showed me his true self. He told me that the love is fading away, and he just wanna go back to live by himself again. We had a conversation and he said that he's tired of this attachments, which I understand. He doesn't want this relationship anymore. It was really hard for me in the beginning, but now I'm learning to accept it. Thanks to Leo, I watched his videos when I felt so brokenhearted and everything makes sense. 

How It is Now

It's been nearly 2 months now since I first found out about his feeling and we still lived together. LOL. I know right, The story didn't just end on the previous paragraph. There are some reasons that still kinda "hold" us together, even though his love is not there anymore. First, we booked this snowboarding trip to Japan in the end of the year and second, we just signed up for another 6 months lease. I know that there are solutions to this reason, I can both just cancel the trip and find another housemate. But, I still haven't decided yet at the moment. I feel like I might just see how I go, even though sometimes I think that I will be more into get rid of him. He also said some things about wanting to still be friends with me. We had a conversation about the Japan trip and he said that even if we broke up before the trip, he'd still be wanting to go with me. He also told me that I'm a good woman and he admired me which I appreciated, but I still think that it doesn't make any sense. Dang, I think to much and I feel to much. Well at least he is following his heart and what he thinks he wants. "Anyone could know what they want, but not what they need", and in my case "It is probably what I think I want, but not exactly what I need".

I am not complaining about my relationship story, I threw it all out there because I'd like to hear an opinion, an advice, support, or even harsh feedback. Something that can help me look into it from different spectacles, and more importantly something that can help me improves. So thanks for your time of reading this, and please leave any donation (of your thoughts) into this post.

Kindly regards,

Me who is partly brokenhearted

[RendHeaven]

On 7/15/2019 at 9:04 PM, Neet said:

please leave any donation (of your thoughts) into this post.

There's not much I can tell you that you already don't know...

Just end it. You're both clearly unhappy.

The housing situation is a lie. The vacation is a lie.

Of course, they feel real.

You're both using whatever means necessary to retain the comfort and security you currently think you have.

If that entails making your lies feel real, than so be it.

 

Think of your ideal man.

You've already said: it ain't him.

Well what are you waiting for??

There are so many charming, sexy, genuinely caring single dudes out there right now just WAITING for you to cuff them.

You just don't see it because you don't put yourself in front of them.

Clinging to this old relationship is a huge reason for that.

 

You know it'll be over anyway. Do you really see yourself in this relationship in 10, 20, 30 years? In 60 years on your deathbed?

What are you really running from?

What do you gain by staying together?

"Comfort" and "security" are obvious reasons... don't stop there.

Ask yourself, "WHY do I hold comfort and security above all else? Above personal happiness? Above what my life COULD be?"

Perhaps you're afraid that nobody else will love you.

Perhaps you're afraid of loneliness.

Perhaps you're afraid of having all of your shortcomings splayed out in front of you like a banquet, shredding the bunker of lies you live in.

I don't know. I made all that up 

 

From my limited outsider perspective, having heard your side of the story, all I can say is this:

1) End it.

2) Get in touch with your fears.

3) Move on, grow, live life.

 

I imagine you're either furiously nodding your head right now as you read all of this, or you are frowning skeptically. If you disagree with anything I've said, that's perfectly fine. I don't have the full story anyway. I'm sure there are plenty of tiny details that make this all so unnecessarily complicated.

But that's also why YOU are the one who must cut through these complications by self reflecting - 9 out of 10, these "complications" are just lies you create to maintain what you've built and avoid loss.

Furthermore, if you are in complete agreement with me, don't pretend that everything is fine now because some douchebag on an internet forum understands you.

You must then PERSONALLY confront this man and say "Hey. It's over."

There's not much else to say here. Just do it.

And if you're feeling all sorts of internal contention ("But this! But that!") in response to what I just said, that's also fine. Keep living life the way you do. There's no obligation necessarily to change things.

But in that case, recognize that it's your own complacency that is causing unhappiness. If you decide not to end it, don't come running back here that things aren't working out.

Best of luck

P.S. Regarding the feeling of heart-brokenness, that is a whole another issue deserving of it's own thread.

[Nahm]

On 7/15/2019 at 10:04 PM, Neet said:

different spectacles

Reality is Magic, and it is you. “It” is responsive, “it” has sensations, and “it” attaches thought stories to the sensations, to make sense of them - but in actuality this is a misunderstanding, that sensation is not enough and could be “made sense of”. The “making sense of”, if you inspect you will see - it’s a protective, defensive mechanism, every time.  The “trick to it” is, no longer listen to the thought stories, notice when you are believing you are actual the you in a thought story, and notice you are aware of the thought story - not in it. The art of this magic, is in letting every single thought go, and experiencing the direct message of the sensations. This is the sensational life. All other living is the same old spectacle. Side note, is this Ben Franklin? Who says ‘spectacles’? I love it! Godspeed. 

[RendHeaven]

@Nahm I wonder if non-dual advice is really the best in this situation.

I considered it, but it's just too unrealistic to encourage the realization of "I am not my suffering" while you are bound to an unconscious partner.

First dissolve that bond (the bond is ultimately in your mind's eye anyway, there is no reality to it) and then pursue awareness.

Best way to dissolve that bond? Break up 

The mind is so tricky that unless you physically end the relationship, it'll convince itself that it is conceptually "dissolving of the bond" while maintaining deep unconscious attachment.

Sounds like a recipe for suffering honestly.

Edited July 17, 2019 by RendHeaven

[Nahm]

@RendHeaven Well ya but you already covered that so well, and the op does say ‘different spectacles’, and with this...

On 7/15/2019 at 10:04 PM, Neet said:

Something that can help me look into it from different spectacles, and more importantly something that can help me improves. So thanks for your time of reading this, and please leave any donation (of your thoughts) into this post.

 

...I was aiming prior to the bifocals, for the perception prior even to the relationship lens altogether, the ‘relationship’ with the self. There seemed to be so much waffling for so long, I didn’t think saying of course leave was the ‘different spectacle’ that the op felt would help. I hear ya though, and thank you. I just don’t experience relationships as duality and self / love as nonduality. I see everything permeated with love, and it makes sense. I do believe one will choose suffering with someone over having no one, only from a misunderstood idea of self. I also believe the heart is leading the show wether the mind knows it or not, and that it’s better to know it. We’ll see I guess, maybe they’ll think it’s neet. Maybe not.

[RendHeaven]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

maybe they’ll think it’s neet

I love you 

[Nahm]

@RendHeaven ? Love you!

[Neet]

9 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

There's not much I can tell you that you already don't know...

Think of your ideal man.

You've already said: it ain't him.

From my limited outsider perspective, having heard your side of the story, all I can say is this:

1) End it.

2) Get in touch with your fears.

3) Move on, grow, live life.

I imagine you're either furiously nodding your head right now as you read all of this, or you are frowning skeptically. If you disagree with anything I've said, that's perfectly fine. I don't have the full story anyway. I'm sure there are plenty of tiny details that make this all so unnecessarily complicated.

You must then PERSONALLY confront this man and say "Hey. It's over."

P.S. Regarding the feeling of heart-brokenness, that is a whole another issue deserving of it's own thread.

1 hour ago, RendHeaven said:

I love you 

I completely agree with you, without furious head nods! Hahah

I am not sure of how to explain this. I am aware of what is going on, and my mind somehow knows what to do and what I must do but on the other hand also saying that this opposite thing is possible. One day I'd be very happy and accept everything, and on the other day I'd be really sad of what's happening. It is normal, isn't it?

I'm not a Buddha yet. I really need to sharpened my skill in consistency to provide a great texture and filling in my life. And it's been a great experience to be able to hear opinion and thoughts from these masters. (Ps @RendHeaven I have read some of your thoughts on other posts and its really epic, I like it. I'm glad my post could finally substracted some of your mind. ?)

[Neet]

8 hours ago, Nahm said:

Reality is Magic, and it is you. “It” is responsive, “it” has sensations, and “it” attaches thought stories to the sensations, to make sense of them - but in actuality this is a misunderstanding, that sensation is not enough and could be “made sense of”. The “making sense of”, if you inspect you will see - it’s a protective, defensive mechanism, every time.  The “trick to it” is, no longer listen to the thought stories, notice when you are believing you are actual the you in a thought story, and notice you are aware of the thought story - not in it. The art of this magic, is in letting every single thought go, and experiencing the direct message of the sensations. This is the sensational life. All other living is the same old spectacle. Side note, is this Ben Franklin? Who says ‘spectacles’? I love it! Godspeed. 

Glasses sounds too standards and POV sounds too pornish. Then I decided to use 'spectacle' ? hahah. But I can assure you that I'm not Ben Franklin =)

I got you in this case. I'm so aware of what is happening to me in this very moment. I recently listened to this guided meditation, "take a deep breath in between your eyebrow, turn yourself around, and look at the person behind you (which is meself), notice her feeling, and ....."

I am following all of these and agree with the thoughts of it. (I am not gonna use word 'but') However ?, I am still not good in "letting them go" parts. Because I see him everyday and sometimes that thought of "I love him" will overwhelm me too much.

Any inputs? I'd love to hear one

[Nahm]

@Neet Spend a few days away, alone, and relax & let go. After a couple days, I think you’ll know. 

[JustThinkingAloud]

There’s another possibility. Actions speak much louder than words. He still wants to be with you. He could be just scared of the attachment while he still wants to stay. Why else he’s still with you? He did say he doesn’t like the attachment, he didn’t say he doesn’t like you. As you said, he has an issue which might be related from his upbringing. I think it’ll be very hard to get a commitment out of him but is it really that important. There’s no guarantees when it comes to the future, so many men “commit” and don’t deliver. Is it really that bad to not “commit” but deliver. But of course, be careful and make sure that his actions do show love.

[ExodiaGearCEO]

You should see the red flag when he told you he isn't that into the relationship anymore. Your boyfriend sound sketchy. It's even possible this guy might cheat behind your back. He doesn't love you. The only reason he's keeping you because it could be either he's lonely or co dependent on you. which is a bad sign. good luck