Too selfish..? (relationship advice) Please help!

[Uncover]

Hello,

It's a long story but I'll try to keep it short. So, in may, I broke up with my girlfriend. We've been together since September last year. I'm 23 years old, she was my first girlfriend. Even though we broke up we kept talking often and we're still talking now. We still go out on all sorts of events.

Anyway, to get to the subject.. Two days ago she went to my place to eat pizza and watch a movie. So we did, we had a good time, we didn't do anything else though, just holding hands. I told her that I was expecting to have sex since she came to my place and since we've been going out almost daily after breakup, as friends though. She got very very upset at me. She told me that she can't stand my selfishness anymore. As she kept repeating me this thing since we were in an relationship. Even when we were together she never accepted to have sex when I wanted and she kept on reproaching me that I only think about myself. In the relationship we had sex like, 1-2 three times a week (rarely) or sometimes one time to one or two weeks.

Now, I didn't touch a girl since we broke up and she knows that. I was horny after all this time. I tried to control myself being in bed with her, holding hands and watching movies. But It just slipped me and I asked if she wants to have sex, and boom. She exploded saying, I'm too selfish, I don't have feelings for her, I only think and want sex. . This is mainly the reason among others, why we broke up. I am ravaged, she said she was ready to give me another chance but I blasted that chance into space with my needyness. I can't really control myself around her. Well, I can, but there are moments (like this) when I give in and the hell unleashes . 

I texted her, she said she forgives me, but it hurts her. I feel rejected sexually by her, that's mainly the reason why I try harder, not  especially because I want her that much. I feel really bad about this. I don't know how to reconcile sexuality with love.. Desire arises,  I can't just hide it.   If this have been true, that I don't care about her, I wouldn't fight with my parents over her. I wouldn't keep in touch with her after breakup. I really care about her, but maybe I don't know to show it to her. We had many fights over this, but we always got back together. I don't want to have a fight with her again over this. What should I do if she gives me another chance? To never ask her again about sex? 

Many people say that we don't match, that she's not for me. The sexual part aside, we're the best together, I can't vibe with anyone else like I do with her. But that destroys everything, my selfishness. 

What should I do now?

Uncover

[Emerald]

Women don't like to be on the receiving end of men wanting sex. Women do like to be on the receiving end of a man she feels chemistry with wanting her.

So, it's the difference between you wanting sex and you wanting her. And to a woman, this is a whole world of difference.

She probably felt in many ways like you wanted to use her to get off, without regard to actually wanting the sense of closeness with her as a person. And even if this isn't your conscious intention, it does come as a natural outgrowth of under-development in this department.

For women, sex is largely about connection. So, this is extra offensive to women's sensibilities about sex, because it turns something of loving connection and an intimate physical conversation between two emotional beings into a mindless chore of her getting you off and an a to b journey to your orgasm. So, it makes women feel like a masturbation helper, rather than a beloved, which is primarily what they desire from a sexual connection.

So, she is correct that your sex drive is selfish, as there is no chance of her (or any woman's) needs being met in this dynamic. But this is just because you have not integrated your sex drive with your heart. In order to really develop as a man, you have to be able to have agreement between these two areas. Otherwise, the woman will sense that she is alone during sex and there will be this feeling of being used that will naturally spring about.

So, be sure to integrate your sex drive, heart, and mind. And from there, you will naturally be less selfish and will be able to enjoy sex more deeply yourself. Otherwise, it's just about getting off, and that's fairly hollow.

 

[Farnaby]

8 hours ago, Uncover said:

Hello,

It's a long story but I'll try to keep it short. So, in may, I broke up with my girlfriend. We've been together since September last year. I'm 23 years old, she was my first girlfriend. Even though we broke up we kept talking often and we're still talking now. We still go out on all sorts of events.

Anyway, to get to the subject.. Two days ago she went to my place to eat pizza and watch a movie. So we did, we had a good time, we didn't do anything else though, just holding hands. I told her that I was expecting to have sex since she came to my place and since we've been going out almost daily after breakup, as friends though. She got very very upset at me. She told me that she can't stand my selfishness anymore. As she kept repeating me this thing since we were in an relationship. Even when we were together she never accepted to have sex when I wanted and she kept on reproaching me that I only think about myself. In the relationship we had sex like, 1-2 three times a week (rarely) or sometimes one time to one or two weeks.

Now, I didn't touch a girl since we broke up and she knows that. I was horny after all this time. I tried to control myself being in bed with her, holding hands and watching movies. But It just slipped me and I asked if she wants to have sex, and boom. She exploded saying, I'm too selfish, I don't have feelings for her, I only think and want sex. . This is mainly the reason among others, why we broke up. I am ravaged, she said she was ready to give me another chance but I blasted that chance into space with my needyness. I can't really control myself around her. Well, I can, but there are moments (like this) when I give in and the hell unleashes . 

I texted her, she said she forgives me, but it hurts her. I feel rejected sexually by her, that's mainly the reason why I try harder, not  especially because I want her that much. I feel really bad about this. I don't know how to reconcile sexuality with love.. Desire arises,  I can't just hide it.   If this have been true, that I don't care about her, I wouldn't fight with my parents over her. I wouldn't keep in touch with her after breakup. I really care about her, but maybe I don't know to show it to her. We had many fights over this, but we always got back together. I don't want to have a fight with her again over this. What should I do if she gives me another chance? To never ask her again about sex? 

Many people say that we don't match, that she's not for me. The sexual part aside, we're the best together, I can't vibe with anyone else like I do with her. But that destroys everything, my selfishness. 

What should I do now?

Uncover

@Uncover Hi! While I completely agree with @Emerald, it seems to me there’s also an unconscious “game” going on in this relationship with your ex.

I may be completely wrong but she seems to be testing you, contributing to a situation in which I think most men would start to get horny. Now I don’t know if us expecting sex in this kind of situation is something we learned through conditioning or if it’s a natural consequence in this kind of situation.

What I am pretty sure is that it’s normal to feel how you felt in that situation and she may be unconsciously testing you in order to see if you want her and not only sex. It would be better to discuss these things directly and openly, instead of playing games.

However, Emerald is completely right about sex with emotional connection being far better. If that’s not what you’re interested in right now or not with this girl, you will have to decide if both of your needs can be met or if you’re looking for different things.

[JustThinkingAloud]

I think that men have a much stronger sex drive than we do, especially when they’re young. I think it’s a part of them that they can’t change and it’s one of their needs that needs to be satisfied for them to be happy. To take that away from you might be selfish on her part, sex is an important part of a healthy relationship.