The ultimate seeker stuck on the path towards purpose

[Firebirdz]

[It is quite uncomfortable and painful to expose myself and my 1st world problems like this but here we go..]

 

I am currently 27 years old, living with my parents without a job.

I'm lacking direction, purpose/mission and commitment to clear, emotionally compelling & definite goals.

 

I'm sharing my story here because I seem to be getting more and more stuck in hopelesness and am realizing I need proper help/guidance.

(What would probably also help a lot is a positive environment where I am guided and supported into growing out of this and into my better/best self)  

The actual story:
4 years ago I quit my job as a webdeveloper. Extremely disatisfied and full of existential questions I went on an intense journey of trying to find my purpose. I've been aiming for an income doing something I love that involves my talents & gifts & helps the world in one of the more important problems.. but this quest seems to be now more and more burning me out. Since I've started this journey I have tried a whole lot of things and had BEAUTIFUL, mind-and-body blowing experiences.. ideas and inspirations.. yet.. nothing really sticked, was financially viable and, most likely.. I was just unable to fully commit to one path, especially when becoming more aware of all the possibilities out there. 

 

So after being on this loong quest it feels like i lost my inner fire/power/sparkle. Like I've somehow fallen on the side of the road...  

 

Along the path getting clarity on what I truly want and then believing in myself, and actually doing the necessary things by myself (self responsibility/ inner leadership) seems to be the most challenging. I have documents full of ideas and plans but somehow keep searching / planning. I now seem to be more and more blocked towards taking action. I take some action once in a while but always seem to be thrown back. Stuckness. I seem to wait for and need inspiration, wait for it to FEEL right. I tend to overthink and be perfectionistic. Resistance is tremendous and I tend to feel more and more like a fuck up and that has somehow failed his hero's journey, despite being handed out quite good cards in life..

 

Here's what I've tried so far: 

- Inner Child work, Family Constellations, Men's work, Psilocybin, Ayahuasca, San Pedro, Vipassana 10 day meditation retreat, Sweatlodges, Bodywork (Bio-Energetics, Yoga, TRE, De-armouring, Chi Nei Tsang,)

- Read books like: The Alchemist, Start With Why, Tao Te Ching, Bhagavad Ghita, Tony Robbins, Eckhart Tolle, So good they can't ignore you,...

- Failed attempts at online programs like The ultimate life purpose course (Leo Gura from Actualized.org), Go for your win (Aubrey Marcus) and Jordan Peterson's Self Authoring.

- Shadowing the CEO of my favorite company, experimenting with working in my interests (working in a foodtruck, vegan restaurant, hosting a workshop for men, etc...)

(Side note: Having all these peak experiences over the last years like god realization and what not also aided me towards a Psychosis 3 times by now.)

This deep journey over the last years eventually lead me to a very Yin - Letting Go way of living, where there was less and less of 'me' and more 'happening', yet... However after a while I found myself with a near-depleted bank account, making me completely doubt the path I had been on, and reverting me more and more to a fear-based reality, where I wonder if I now lost all the progress I've made over the years. Now attempting to live more Yang again has been really awkward I must say as I've become quite unsure.

 

I have this feeling that I need to get my goals clear before I can stand in the world again yet this trap? has so far just basically been making me feel like I'm wasting away in my room trying to find the 'right' thing.  (also, In exposing myself further I've noticed that I even on some very subtle levels seem te be clinging to the search.)

 

Some of the the main truths or stumbling blocks I've so far been able to figure out:
- Low self-belief

- Spiritual Bypassing
- Fear of commitment

- Puer Syndrome: i live the 'proverbial' life.
- Inability to do things on my own for my own

- Sometimes tend to fall into victimhood / learned helplesness.  
- I need to stop looking at myself as a 'project' and realize I truly am good enough.

- Cutting through and making decisions (something inside me makes it really hard to just remain present when making choices. As in it's challenging to stay w/ the tension. So eventually nothing happens) -> as a result there is a lack of inner leadership.  

 

Also, as far as I know, nothing overly traumatic happened in my youth. Emotionally distant father, both parents workaholics. Spent a large time of my youth playing and mastering computer games (LoL,CSS), then full on seducing women (PUA), then basically the new age / spiritual seeker life.

The theme of work is a big one for me since I dont really have any success stories in this area of my life so far. For a long time I have resisted 'working' but am now slowly more and more coming to grips with it. It is making my pampered ass bitter yet I trust this will better.

 

Here are some messages that I've heard over and over again, and that make me contract:

'It's time to decide, You don't believe in yourself, The perfect job doesn't exist!'

Now. What advice do you have? 

Are there any courses, coaches or retreats you can recommend?

I can not seem to get out of this myself...

 

Thanks Alot,

 

FE

[Nahm]

@Firebirdz Hi & welcome. Do you know if other people are thinking? 

[JustThinkingAloud]

Maybe try small steps and see how it goes. You don’t have to commit to or succeed in anything when you’re doing new things and finding your feet. The theory is all good but reality can be different. You have self doubt because you’re trying to do something you haven’t done before once you start doing it, you’ll know better. Experience will make you much more confident. I hope this helps little bit