Survival while still not knowing what it is I want

[kieranperez]

This has been a real bitch that keeps me up late and night and stressing most of the day everyday. 

I left home in San Francisco last minute for a summer gig over in New Jersey through a member on the forum so I can earn enough money to maybe move out. Prior to this move I had never had even $900 in my bank account and was so lost prior to this I was honestly crying every day from having to share a bed with my dad for the last 2 years at 24 years old because I couldn't understand what happened to my life. Now I have $2.2K in my bank account from working 60-75 hours a week in pest control 6 days a week. Its an accomplishment on paper and I'm now earning roughly $2k every paycheck but it doesn't feel like it in my own experience. I still don't know what it is I want, what it is I want to do. I spend every waking moment visioning, questioning, etc. I still have tears because I have such a deep love for life and I don't want to waste my life doing bullshit but I still don't know what. My integrity is shit I have A LOT of psychological issues I need to work on, etc. Doing this kind of work out here literally has me in my mind like "I can't keep doing this. I can't keep playing this game. I want to know what's fucking real. I don't want this survival thing. Who am I? What am I here to do?!?! I can't live like most people live. I JUST FUCKING CAN'T DO THAT TO MY LIFE!" In yet at the same time... I still gotta survive. In yet I still don't know what I want. I'm at a real split here.

When I have moments in true relaxation and silence in nature I literally have the same flash of "I don't want to be anybody. I want to be nobody," and I'm literally smiling ear to ear. 

I'm often told just to follow Spiral Dynamics and Maslow's Hierarchy and I just gotta earn a lot of money, learn pickup, etc. BUT NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE WHAT I WANT! My life isn't some map to be accomplished! But of course... I don't know what I want concretely! I want the truth. Who is the one looking through my eyes? What is reality and why the fuck is this here? I don't want non-dual talk and answers and I don't want to keep wasting my life either acting out of fear to follow my calling (whatever that is) and wasting my life doing bullshit stuff that doesn't lead anywhere. 

Just could use some advice on this.

How do I navigate not knowing what I want while still (supposedly) needing to fulfill survival needs?

[ajasatya]

@kieranperez There is no reason for conflict if you're doing something that's not what you want simply because you don't know what you want.

Use what you got strategically. Take your time to try a lot of different things before you decide to commit to something specifically. This thing that you are doing is just one thing. It's not like you will spend the rest of your life doing it. It would be hard to do it for the rest of your life even if that's what you wanted to do it for the rest of your life. So the chance that you will do it for more than 1 year is virtually zero.

[kieranperez]

1 minute ago, ajasatya said:

So the chance that you will do it for more than 1 year is virtually zero.

I'm only here till mid-September latest. This wasn't some set in stone gig I'm doing out here. After mid-September I gotta find a place to go.

[Zigzag Idiot]

There's something to be said for the art of living in a minimalistic way juxtaposed to high production/activity mindset. The art of living simply. Easier said than done but I think often overlooked. 

Who was it that said, " when I got to the top of the ladder, I realized it was against the wrong wall,,,,?

[kieranperez]

4 minutes ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

There's something to be said for the art of living in a minimalistic way juxtaposed to high production/activity mindset. The art of living simply. Easier said than done but I think often overlooked. 

I said nothing about either of those things. 

If I were to really be a minimalist I would most likely renounce and become a monk, sadhu, or swami. In the end though that's certainly not what I want. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

@kieranperez I understand. Meant no harm.

You're correct that I projected or brought up those categories.

 

I'm reading on Ralstons Pursing Consciousness that you recommended a while back. Am enjoying it,,,,

[SFRL]

A career tends to workout that way. First there are many years where you don't see much progress. And then a sudden spike. 

I have been working on my career for 10 years now. And only the last 3 1/2 it really started to look like something. Not until 1 1/2 years ago that I started to have some real success. 

That stage/age at which you are now us very rough. I experienced it to be very rough. You are done with college etc. and now it's time to make money etc. 

It's expected of you that you will have financial success, a relationship/marriage, a kid, a house etc. But you don't have any of that yet. But that's ok. And that's very stressful because you have the uncertainty that you might fail at those things. 

If you keep grinding it out it will come though. In time. But you got to make so e good decisions. Or you are going to stretch out the process longer then nescesairy. 

[Inliytened1]

This is such a good question.  It captures the essence of the ego in it's entirety.

And the answer is you will ultimately need to find liberation by transcending the ego through awakening.

That is why we say to stay the course with your Ego while doing the spiritual practices.

No job or even being your own boss - and no amount of success or money will bring you inner peace.  Only awakening to yourself can do that.

As far as your ego just ride the waves and you will discover your passion.  It may take decades or it may not but increased consciousness will open the mind and it will reveal itself

Survival is baked into you so you ain't going anywhere.   There is no where to go and that's the point.  You need to discover there aint nowhere to go.  You are God.  You are alone.

You're passion as an ego shall reveal itself eventually -  but know that only liberation will bring you the deepest peace.

 

Edited July 11, 2019 by Inliytened1

[kieranperez]

1 hour ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

 

@kieranperez I understand. Meant no harm.

You're correct that I projected or brought up those categories.

 

I'm reading on Ralstons Pursing Consciousness that you recommended a while back. Am enjoying it,,,,

You’re fine. Don’t mean to come off cold. Putting in 60-70 hour weeks with no time for myself and solitude and silence without obligations and working 6 days week has been a bit much. Hence the post.

Glad you like it.

15 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

This is such a good question.  It captures the essence of the ego in it's entirety.

And the answer is you will ultimately need to find liberation by transcending the ego through awakening.

That is why we say to stay the course with your Ego while doing the spiritual practices.

No job or even being your own boss - and no amount of success or money will bring you inner peace.  Only awakening to yourself can do that.

As far as your ego just ride the waves and you will discover your passion.  It may take decades or it may not but increased consciousness will open the mind and it will reveal itself

Survival is baked into you so you ain't going anywhere.   There is no where to go and that's the point.  You need to discover there aint nowhere to go.  You are God.  You are alone.

You're passion as an ego shall reveal itself eventually -  but know that only liberation will bring you the deepest peace.

 

Dude. I’m going to be clear and make myself very clear because I’m honestly tired of it: STFU with your non dual keyboard jockeying. I don’t appreciate it, it’s not helpful, and you’re only breaking integrity with yourself. If you were ACTUALLY conscious of the stuff you parrot you wouldn’t waste as much time as you do on a forum and you would actually be out doing something. Enlightened people who are deeply conscious of this are not spending their time parroting this stuff on the internet and are actually out doing something. Stop regurgitating and parroting @Leo Gura and a bunch of spiritual teachers. 

Read what I said above: I am not satisfied with silly answers and I am god shit. I have had genuine enlightenment experiences but I always ground myself back into my own ignorance because in the end, if it’s an experience and it escapes me, it wasn’t it and I’m still ignorant and I do not know. 

Stop blabbering. It’s fucking annoying. Call it projection, call it ego, whatever dude. You arrogant keyboard warriors just become nuissances at the end of the day. I’m being explicit because I’m trying to make this as clear as possible. 

Edited July 11, 2019 by kieranperez

[Inliytened1]

@kieranperez Truth cannot be parroted.  That is your projection.  I am allowed to offer my advice to someone being someone that has awoken and found peace.  There is no Leo.  You are Leo.  

Read what i said.  Only you can answer your own questions in the end.

Edited July 11, 2019 by Inliytened1

[possibilities]

@kieranperez

I had the same problem with “Inliytened1”, it can come across as real condescending and honestly I don’t know what his keyboard warrior nonsense is about, spiritual gesturing, he isn’t doing anyone like myself any favors. If I took a bat to his head it would make him stop but then I’d feel guilty.

For me I’d stick with the questioning, I personally realize that I’m just consciousness, everything else is questionable. Consciousness doesn’t seem its at all a question though, rather more a byproduct of intelligence. Truth to me is consciousness (meaning the thing that I’m most confident about) everything else is a byproduct of intelligence trying to realise truth in the midst of our propensities towards emotional addictions and neurotic behaviours, of which I’ve had plenty of in the pasts can relate. The latter is what can make the work filled with landmines to try and avoid and a battle we’re not even aware we’re a part of, the former is what allows us to spot those land mines, inspect them and even if we happen to step on a few, learn from them. I mean, mixing emotions with intelligence is such a funny thing that’s happened in our evolution because their potential differences can generate so much dissonance, but that’s just the way things are, at the base level without emotions intelligence wouldn’t have any prerogative, incentive, motivation.

The third layer here is the mind fuckery that goes on with sense perception. This then gets into the territory of our emotions convincing our intellect that something in the thing we perceive we need to emotionally attach ourselves to, and that’s when we get into potential positive spirals and negative spirals within the consciousness with a whole bunch different phenomena, in fact there’s a seemingly endless supply of things in reality that we could get mind fucked by in terms of inspiring neurotic addictions in us, we can just flip on the news or check it out in any newspaper.

All in all, I think Leo did a reasonably good job with his latest video on authority. At the core level if there’s any advice I’d give it’s to in general ignore fuckers like me, "Inliytened1" and Leo and just use us as stepping stones to your own realisations. I mean, perhaps there’s many other things other than enlightenment that are much more worthwhile. “Inliytened1” and the like are just like television commercials, sometimes some television programs in reality are going to have to have them but just either ignore and or learn from them even if they are just spinning gibberish. Or attack them, otherwise one of the lessons is of course not to emulate that level of indoctrination. To me he’s just a bot programmed to type cliche spiritual stuff, a fortune cookie to throw up in the air and smash a baseball bat against as a symbolic gesture to destroy illusions painted by “enlightened” illusionists.

Some of the admins may warn me, ban me or whatever for this post but I honestly couldn't give a shit, they're probably in a stereotypical sense stage green (I don't follow Spiral Dynamics but I understand it theoretically, that's another thing people are brainwashed by) so they feel the need to be instead of keyboard warriors bandaid warriors where anything that looks like it could hurt someones feelings or whatever they have to censor. They can't accept the is. This guy just does spiritual masturbation, so right now he's trying to give you a spiritual hand job. Could be a hot chick who knows but I doubt it...

 

Edited July 11, 2019 by possibilities

[Truth Addict]

@kieranperez

What you want is happiness (or at least peace of mind) which is independent of everything else, except your mindset.

Your mindset is causing you suffering.

There isn't a meaningful job that you should pursue in life. That's a fantasy that people like to blabber about for their own reasons.

In the real life, no doing anything can make you happy or fulfilled, no amount of money can make you happy or fulfilled, because there is something that is resisting happiness, which is called ego which is you (sorry for breaking your rule). You are resisting happiness. Not that you don't want it, but because you were programmed to do so, like all of us.

Everything is meaningless when you think about it. But at the same time, everything is meaningful when you stop thinking and resisting. I work for nearly 7 hours a day (in two different jobs), and every single moment feels like paradise. I don't like my jobs, and I don't hate them either. I just accept them and know that I am lucky.

You already know what is real. You merely think you don't. So, don't stress too much about this topic, there's really nothing to know. Ironically, your pursuit of Truth is causing you suffering, like it did to me. You say to yourself that you will not accept being happy until you find the truth. Ask yourself why. It's probably spiritual indoctrination (my assumption, since that was my case).

Your objective in life before enlightenment is to become free, to achieve liberation.

After enlightenment, you're FREE! You can do whatever you want, including the same old things, only minus the suffering.

So, break all the chains and become free. What helped me the most was meditation, very long hours. So, that's the key.

I'm trying to help you as you asked for advice. If you find my comment blabber and bs please ignore it. I wish you all the best, and I apologise for any earlier stress that I might have caused you. I was meaning good as I am right now. Best of luck!

Edited July 11, 2019 by Truth Addict

[tedens]

7 hours ago, kieranperez said:

This has been a real bitch that keeps me up late and night and stressing most of the day everyday. 

I left home in San Francisco last minute for a summer gig over in New Jersey through a member on the forum so I can earn enough money to maybe move out. Prior to this move I had never had even $900 in my bank account and was so lost prior to this I was honestly crying every day from having to share a bed with my dad for the last 2 years at 24 years old because I couldn't understand what happened to my life. Now I have $2.2K in my bank account from working 60-75 hours a week in pest control 6 days a week. Its an accomplishment on paper and I'm now earning roughly $2k every paycheck but it doesn't feel like it in my own experience. I still don't know what it is I want, what it is I want to do. I spend every waking moment visioning, questioning, etc. I still have tears because I have such a deep love for life and I don't want to waste my life doing bullshit but I still don't know what. My integrity is shit I have A LOT of psychological issues I need to work on, etc. Doing this kind of work out here literally has me in my mind like "I can't keep doing this. I can't keep playing this game. I want to know what's fucking real. I don't want this survival thing. Who am I? What am I here to do?!?! I can't live like most people live. I JUST FUCKING CAN'T DO THAT TO MY LIFE!" In yet at the same time... I still gotta survive. In yet I still don't know what I want. I'm at a real split here.

When I have moments in true relaxation and silence in nature I literally have the same flash of "I don't want to be anybody. I want to be nobody," and I'm literally smiling ear to ear. 

I'm often told just to follow Spiral Dynamics and Maslow's Hierarchy and I just gotta earn a lot of money, learn pickup, etc. BUT NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE WHAT I WANT! My life isn't some map to be accomplished! But of course... I don't know what I want concretely! I want the truth. Who is the one looking through my eyes? What is reality and why the fuck is this here? I don't want non-dual talk and answers and I don't want to keep wasting my life either acting out of fear to follow my calling (whatever that is) and wasting my life doing bullshit stuff that doesn't lead anywhere. 

Just could use some advice on this.

How do I navigate not knowing what I want while still (supposedly) needing to fulfill survival needs?

Hahahaha. I am not loughing of You. Consciousness is so complex in itself to this point that You don't know what You want. It is so complex to this point that You don't know what You are and even to realize meaning of this words. 

Edited July 11, 2019 by tedens

[tedens]

Again to the question. 

Does anyone know what he wants in this all the time shifting/changing  perspectives?

...No. "HE" as a false self never be able.

Edited July 11, 2019 by tedens

[JustThinkingAloud]

Every time I get lost, I remind myself that I want happiness for me and people around me. Let your imagination go wild and see what makes you feel good, that will give you the big picture. Then try to find practical steps that will lead you there and appreciate every progress towards it because every little progress gets you closer. I hope that helps 

[tsuki]

8 hours ago, kieranperez said:

How do I navigate not knowing what I want while still (supposedly) needing to fulfill survival needs?

I recently watched a video where somebody asked Jordan Peterson a similar question, but I think that the answer is applicable to your situation.
Start small. Improve your immediate surroundings, starting with yourself, and gradually expand your sphere of concern. At some point, a semblance of a vision may appear and you could work from there.

You seem to have a lot of backlash, but this backlash is a sign of growth.
You learned a lot of advanced stuff like life purpose etc and your mind is using that to express your suffering. Don't get fooled by that and keep working and your situation will surely improve. You seem to be happy with your financial situation and that's the thing you should be focusing on. This is not the final stop, it is just the beginning. Remember that things can only get better from now on, even if you backslide.

[Inliytened1]

@possibilities LOL. You gave me a chuckle.  Not a bot or a hot chick just trying to provide wisdom with love.  

@kieranperez perhaps i was too high level but bullshitting you isn't gonna help you either.  From a pragmatic POV which is from where you asked the question i will say this.  Suck it up! There is no magic pill.  You are gonna have to survive while you figure yourself out and there will be suffering involved.  But there will also be bliss and good times.  Embrace both and NEVER ever give in or give up.  That's how you win in life.  By losing so many times that it hurts.  And then you win.

 

 

Edited July 11, 2019 by Inliytened1

[Inliytened1]

@kieranperez and no I'm not just a keyboard warrior or whatever - i am 48 and make over six figures  and i want to give back to people that are younger.  Take the advice or leave it.   I am not just spitting BS or parroting anything.   

[tedens]

3 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

@kieranperez and no I'm not just a keyboard warrior or whatever - i am 48 and make over six figures  and i want to give back to people that are younger.  Take the advice or leave it.   I am not just spitting BS or parroting anything.   

Dave, who said that You're like this?

[Inliytened1]

@tedens several individuals on the thread decided to trash me and that's fine - it doesn't bother me.  Actually its expected with this stuff being so radical. My purpose by posting this is to say that i speak from life experience.

Edited July 11, 2019 by Inliytened1