Family Business

[Irina Irina]

So it’s been ester holiday, and I spended it with my family. I don’t like spending time around my family, because around them I feel very vulnerable, I lose the sense of self, I’m feel like it s not okay to have boundaries around them. They can really get to me. My mother is a people pleaser, and my father is the unpleasable parent. Actually both my parents are unpleasable. My father is also kind of rude I would say. I mean, he would criticize me if I don’t do things perfecty ( how he thinks) and even if I do things like he wants, he will still find fault so he would not approve 100 % with me. I’m 24 and my mother still tells me, „ Go and say Hello to those people”  like Go and do what’s socialy expected from you „be that perfect girl that we want you to be” „ Do good in the world” „Be selfless” . Ihh.  And I was like „No. I’m not gonna do that”. „ If they see me as rude, that’s fine with me. If I don’t feel that’s why I should do, I won’t do it. End of story”. And I could see the dissapproval in her eyes and attidude. That’s why now I’m such a doormat, I feel like a child, powerless, and really handicaped as an adult , an approval seeking, boundary less person and really miserable. Because I never was allowed to just enjoy myself, be myself, put my needs first, have a personallity, because that would be selfish out of me.  I was never allowed to have boundaries around them, God forbit. That’s why I don’t rock the boat, I have no sense of self, no joy inside of me, I feel dead inside, and I hate it. And no matter how I try to forgive them, the truth is that in my heart I resent them a lot, and cannot stand them around me. I know they had good intentions, I know that they love me, I know they did theire’s best to raise me into becoming a good person, they educated me, but they also made a miserable miserable adult. And on top of that I  feel bad that I resent them.

 All the people around me are like „ I miss my family so much, can’t wait to go home” this type of things. And I’m like inside „ Ohh...I don’t want to be around my family”, and I feel inadequate and guilty for thinking and feeling how I do when it comes to my relatives.

Please, help. How should I handle this family situation? I feel bad around them, I feel bad that I feel bad around them.

The first part of my life was dictaded by them. I’m their’s product. I feel like now it’s time for me to create myself as I desire. To create myself from scrach. To do something with all these handycapes that I have.

Please give pe your opinnions on this. It’s really nagging my soul. I don’t know how I should handle this.

[Falk]

@Irina Irina It is normal for you to explore the world and leave family behind. When i was 20 i couldn´t wait to moove out and after i did and almost never called my parents besides visits on christmas or special ocassions. After 5-6 years of doing my own thing, the connection got better , today i feel they accept my boundaries but mostly because i can nowadays present myself as a person with a strong sense of self and very explicit boundaries for them. If i get "weak" and emotional they everything will start over , which in a sense is quite sad since i can´t realy be emotional "true" to them without them seeing me as "weak" and trying to fix me, instead of just listening. I guess i know why ...because they themselves can´t realy handle emotions very good because THEIR parents did the same with them ..so my advise search for other people where you can be your true self and let your parents be your parents , chances are they won´t change in this life, just see the good sides in them in don´t expect too much.

[Irina Irina]

i want to be authentic and freeee, I want to feel free to be myself, my authentic self. They wouldn't like that.

[Falk]

9 minutes ago, Irina Irina said:

i want to be authentic and freeee, I want to feel free to be myself, my authentic self. They wouldn't like that.

They will hate it !  Are you insane now? You can´t do this to us! What did we do wrong? Please just become a nurse and work 9 to 5 and we can die happy" But don´t hate them, remember: they tried their best and succeded in treating you a little bit better than they haven been treated by their parents! so it is not their fault, just focus on your mission: to do it better than they did , if only a little bit or a whole lot better