Should I Stay Or Should I Leave?

[Pilgrim]

 Hey there, 

So, I have a problem. I am a hypersensitive, empathetic, introverted person and I need a lot of flexibility. The way work is structured is not for me, I know that. I get overwhelmed too quickly, so many people in a room is very exhausting for me and generally the pace of the work life is a bit too fast for me as well. Also I cannot state how much I detest the stiff structure, I would feel very different if I would have more freedom to decide and more choice. But the simple fact that someone expects me to go to an office every day and to sit there from 9 to 5 every day is SO hard for me. I feel incredibly caught and my world seems so small and tight. Currently I also have to commute nearly 3 hours every day. So my day is very full with work and I get home very late and very exhausted.

Obviously this is not a lifestyle that is sustainable, and I never intended to do this long term.. simply as long as it serves me. In the beginning the intense structure was very good for me and it helped me come out of a phase of disorientation. However, now I feel my thoughts are much more organised and I know what I want to do. I want to look for a part time job (25hrs) and concentrate with the 15hrs I have left every day on creative projects, I really want to start a podcast with a friend and I am also a painter and want to focus more on my art. I know from my heart that I want to do this and I am pretty sure I found my "why" so to speak.

Yet, I have only been at my job for 6 months and after 1 year you get a kind of certificate.. it's a sort of traineeship and I would have finished the traineeship after this time (it's in Public Relations). I don't want to work in this field long-term, yet I have learned many valuable things already and I know I struggle with discipline and perseverance. I did learn some valuable skills in content creation and I learned more of the stage orange "effectiveness techniques", honestly this whole traineeship feels like a looong personal development seminar (but stage orange) and I know those are things I HAVE to learn.. time management, self-organisation, perseverance, discipline, claiming my space.. all things related to masculine energy actually.. this is really underdeveloped in myself and if I ever want to succeed in anything, I have to develop some grit. There is no way around that. So I thought especially with the commute and the tight structure and the tendency of everyone in this office being chronically overworked is a good learning opportunity for me.

HOWEVER, now I am not sure if I have been asking too much of myself, if I was pushing myself too hard.. I notice that I am very, very exhausted to the point where it definitely isn't healthy anymore. 6 months does not sound long, but it is very long, if you barely can make another day. I am completely at my limit right now and I lost all motivation that I previously had.. partly I think because I found my "why" and anything that isn't related to it feels like a waste of time and energy. I honestly don't know what to do. Continue or leave? Whatever I pick, it has to be for the right reason. I cannot stay for the certificate only.. it has to be connected to my "why" and it is through the personal development factors.. through the increase of my discipline and time management.. but obviously not directly (and it might start to become counter-productive, cause I am so much at my limit) and if I leave it also has to be for the right reasons.. being true to myself, knowing who I am, knowing what I want, knowing that I need more flexibility and definitely not this caught office life and that there is no point in waiting any longer to start properly working on my why... and not that I give up because I didn't have the discipline and the will to stick through it. 

How can I know and understand my true reasons and motivations? I tried to filter already WHY I want to leave and am just not 100% sure if it's for the right reasons or not. Like I will leave for sure after 6 months, but I actually really want to leave now already and just fuck the certificate. But is it for the right reasons? 

Any help is highly appreciated!! I would be SOO GRATEFUL for advice 

@Leo Gura @Emerald @ajasatya maybe you have some wise words for me? 

Thank you in advance!! 

[ajasatya]

The word "labour" comes from Latin "laborare", which means "to transform". A reasonable work should offer value to society so before you think about quitting you better have a good plan on how you will truly serve the world. Working is not just about doing what you want to do. The perfect job should bring massive value to society and be performed with a healthy thirst for perfection.

Be smart. Use your 3 hours per day to plan your next steps. Also, stop thinking that the orange aspects of your current work is bad for you. That's just victim mentality. Use your time at work to grow and sharpen yourself, as you said. If coleegues are disrespecting you, that's something else. But it doesn't seem to be the case.

And you don't have to sit from 9 to 5. Stand up, do some stretching, breathe, be yourself. Go for 5 minutes walks after lunch. Be creative. It's almost always possible to find room for spontaneity and moments of relaxation.

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Pilgrim  
A friend of mine recently went to Las Vegas to fullfill his dream of becoming an actor. He already went there in 2015 and even if he received a couple of jobs and worked as a background actor. He told me there are a lot of opporunity I've never been to Vegas he was in one show and he showed me that I loved it obviously ! But ! He did not have a secure job or a certificat or a degree in something he was just relying on his skills and talents which he has. But he has no financial means to fullfill his dream or a degree for instance to simply have the connections to other in this creative field. So, he did not succeed. 

6 months is a small period of time considering that humans live quiet long and have a life time ahead of you assuming your are not 60 or so!

The best bet imo you can make is to be strategic about it. Learning a lot of stage orange techniques, ideas or concepts about time management, success, planning or project mangament systems etc. Yet, when you feel or intuit that the work you are currently doing is not it. And you want to find your why or already found it this is also great ! You can take the time and search for your why incase I understand correctly and for instance journal or write about why you want to pursue an endeavour and keep creating this meaning for you by taking action ! This is the most important part, you could do. 

Also, if you like CMS and you can do something creative with it that is also a fantastic way for some creative project. 

The point is you can only know what is right for you or not, taking some time off and going to a park or cycling, meditating, anything that could create some creative space for solitary thinking is a great way to find some true reasons, meaning, intention or motivation. Especially as an introverted person. For e.g I like and love to observe and just watch non-judgementally, so I love bike rides going out into nature and moving towards a destination, eating an ice there and go back home while I enjoy the small tour and the ice cream there. Other people also invoce incentives for thinking about what I want etc. Sometimes I like to go outside with my bike and read a book by some small creek or river. ( I rarely can do this atm) 

Also speaking from my personal example the more disciplined I become the more freedom I have if I pursue what I want to do. So, I generate a lot of meaning and a feeling of accomplishment and moving forward, also freedom for myself. This is also awesome if you can share this with others who are open. 

The best thing is that you know your why ! Many people don't know this and just end in the meaninglessly chopping away at some menial job, and they could actually achieve more regardless which endeavour. (I am still somewhere in the midst of that). The be strategic and judicious about it is a safe risk you can take without causing to many setbacks. 

I personally don't think quitting is good in this situation. The certificat could open also new doors potentially, or be a security measure for preventing for e.g financial setbacks (even part-time) which would prevent you from following your creative pursuits. 

Going all-in in a creative endeavour without any security or degree is risky. I like your approach but, I figure who am I to talk about such things. 

Hope this is somehow helpful. 

Edited July 9, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore