Negative Feelings Towards Romantic Relationships & So Forth...

[Shir]

Hey Everyone,

I would really be grateful and appreciate your opinion on my issue and this topic as I've come to realize it actually deeply and painfully - bothers me. I'll try my best to keep this as short as can be.

Long story short,

I've come to FEEL and REALIZE how negative my feelings have become towards the notion of romantic relationships and children (the "so forth" part). For reference sake, I'm a 27 year old young Lady, a virgin, never been in a relationship (but have fallen in love a few times, you could say). The reason I have never been in a romantic relationship is a combination of a few factors - where I was in my life (school ect), my emotional state (not feeling ready nor wanting it), chance (never happened), getting dumped before things could flourish ect. I'm fine with that. I wouldn't have it any other way (basically, not begging for a relationship even if I could go back in time so to speak).

The thing is, I've been single so long that...I've become used to it. Being in a relationship would feel bizarre to me at this point. I don't think I really want it anymore, especially for how I feel towards it. Sure, when I was younger all I could fantasize was being feminine, getting all glamed up for a date and feeling nice ect but today that spark has kind of died off in me. It would feel more like a chore. I'm also tired of trying to prove my worth to men - also fucking tired of saying no to sex, no to everything I don't feel I want. Everyone seems to want everything out of you, without seeing that you're drained.

And, these days despite being single...I look (innocently!) at other ppl and actually feel anxiety for them and actual emotional pain and the very thought of me "pondering" about being in a relationship (as if I were them for a second or two). It feels even worse when they're a couple with kids - it's not the kids fault, I just feel very negative and depressed towards that thought of "oh, what if I had kids too?" - very anxiety inducing and literally makes me feel suicidal just from the thought of it. Which is crazy but that's how I honestly feel.

I KNOW I wasn't this type of woman all my life prior and I am honestly shocked at what has become of me emotionally. I would never in a million years picture myself feeling this depressed and suicidal over the simple notion of "being in a relationship", "being pregnant" or even "having kids". The very thought makes me feel trapped, suffocated and wanted to escape from it all...

Even the thought of being pregnant, makes me want to cry on the spot because it doesn't bring my joy and actually induces the opposite in me - sadness. 

I know you must think "well, what's the problem then? you're not in either situations so calm down". That's the thing though. I don't feel like this is a phase either but rather like this doomed feeling where it's going to last forever (these negative feelings I hold). And since it's like this...I feel less of a person. Less of a woman. It's honestly very, very alienating and I have never come across someone like myself personally. Because even women whom do NOT have kids - still seem to  hold down successful and happy relationships & marriages but yet I feel like even the prospect of that seems slim to zero with myself, because of the feelings I feel towards even just THAT, alone.

I just honestly feel like, even if I PUSH myself to date, I would take everything as a chore at this point in my life, rather than enjoy myself like everyone else seems to - it's not fair to the other person either, I know. I feel like they deserve someone who much better than I anyway. I'd just sit there, wait for time to pass by, sigh and just want to go home. That's honestly how I feel even hanging out with friends - it sadly gives me little to no joy anymore.

At this point, even if let's say I do as I said - push myself to date - and somehow find someone, I STILL already from this moment, feel like I'd literally lie next to them in bed, just sobbing inside of how alone I feel in all of existence. Despite literally physically laying right next to another human. I wish I could explain this deeper but it's a horrible and painful feeling of loneliness on a whole other existential level.

From all of this, I just feel like...what's the point really? So no dating for me, no romantic relationships, no marriage, no kids...it all feels bleak. I could try and have a career (which I'm studying for and it's not going well as I'd hoped and there is no one more disappointed than myself with myself for it, a large part of my depression already stems from that alone) but...that's it? There are days where I just want to drop all of my studies and say fuck it all but then I feel like there's nothing left for me anymore. For real? what should one hope for at this point? I can't seem to find anything..

I would like to add that I do suffer from Depression and suicidal thoughts and am in Therapy for almost 2 years now but I feel absolutely miserable and just when I thought maybe things are better I am just overwhelmed with these negative thoughts and feel utterly consumed by the sheer hopelessness of it all. I keep feeling "what's the point?" and then I get to " I don't FEEL the point" no matter how many times I try and intellectualize "the point".

 

PLEASE help me.

[Gili Trawangan]

I'm not sure that I have any sound advice for you, but the first thing I want to say is that I resonate with your aversion to relationships. I also don't feel like dating or having kids at the moment. The thing is, it's possible that this will change in the future, there's just no way of knowing. Everything is impermanent, all emotional states change and only the thought that they will stay the same keeps us in that very same catastrophic way of thinking.

Now, let's go further. What if you NEVER want to have a relationship and have kids? Well then, that's actually fine. The only reason you take it as a negative is because of societal conditioning, you probably think that there's something wrong with you for not wanting a relationship. I suspect that being a woman makes it all the more difficult, because society tends to expect women to want and cherish these things. But there's nothing wrong with you, these are only thoughts in your mind.

Depression is hard to get out of, but I'd say that you have two choices. Either 1. you start focusing on something that your are passionate about, whatever that is OR - if there is nothing that excites you because of your depression - 2. you force yourself to do things that you know will improve your mental state. I've been there before, I've been able to pull myself out of depression by forcing myself to do what I know works. These things are: exercise, meditation, eating healthy food, avoiding sources of negativity, like the news etc.

Finally, if you're on this forum then you are certainly familiar with spirituality by now. Listen to Eckhart Tolle videos on YouTube, start seeing thoughts for what they are, stories, i.e. NOT YOU. The thoughts are not you. Come back to the present moment, see thoughts for what they are literally. They are words that appear in your awareness that SEEM to have a content to them. This is illusion. Stop following the content, just witness them, bring your attention to your body, come to the present moment where there are no problems. Do this long enough and there will be a shift in consciousness.

[Shir]

@Gili Trawangan

On 7/9/2019 at 10:03 AM, Gili Trawangan said:

I'm not sure that I have any sound advice for you, but the first thing I want to say is that I resonate with your aversion to relationships. I also don't feel like dating or having kids at the moment. The thing is, it's possible that this will change in the future, there's just no way of knowing. Everything is impermanent, all emotional states change and only the thought that they will stay the same keeps us in that very same catastrophic way of thinking.

Now, let's go further. What if you NEVER want to have a relationship and have kids? Well then, that's actually fine. The only reason you take it as a negative is because of societal conditioning, you probably think that there's something wrong with you for not wanting a relationship. I suspect that being a woman makes it all the more difficult, because society tends to expect women to want and cherish these things. But there's nothing wrong with you, these are only thoughts in your mind.

Depression is hard to get out of, but I'd say that you have two choices. Either 1. you start focusing on something that your are passionate about, whatever that is OR - if there is nothing that excites you because of your depression - 2. you force yourself to do things that you know will improve your mental state. I've been there before, I've been able to pull myself out of depression by forcing myself to do what I know works. These things are: exercise, meditation, eating healthy food, avoiding sources of negativity, like the news etc.

Finally, if you're on this forum then you are certainly familiar with spirituality by now. Listen to Eckhart Tolle videos on YouTube, start seeing thoughts for what they are, stories, i.e. NOT YOU. The thoughts are not you. Come back to the present moment, see thoughts for what they are literally. They are words that appear in your awareness that SEEM to have a content to them. This is illusion. Stop following the content, just witness them, bring your attention to your body, come to the present moment where there are no problems. Do this long enough and there will be a shift in consciousness.

Wow, my apologies for the VERY late reply! I want to first of all give my thanks to you and for you taking the time to reply to my post! I really appreciate it.

You nailed it, this feeling of aversion to having kids and even dating atm. Exactly me right now. I totally understand that feelings may change, I think I'm just so surprised to feel this way which is totally a 180 to how I have always been...save maybe the last year to year in a half (in feeling this way). I think what scares me is that, it doesn't feel like a "phase" but rather me "awakening" to how I probably "really feel" about relationships and children (with both I mean my own). 

Thank you for making me feel like it's okay to not pursue and or either. I appreciate it. 

And gosh, thank you for the tips about depression! It is really hard. I'm sorry you have felt this way before. The one thing I'm mainly passionate about is my future career dreams and it's been hard because I see that I cannot meet the exceptions in order to purpose them. I'm struggling between accepting that and finding a solution but yes you're right...one has to do something that makes them feel passionate - for sure!

I LOVE Ekhart Tolle! Very familiar with his works yes. I will admit it's been years since I've read "The Power Of Now" so it might do me good to revisit it for sure, yes. Thank you for the awesome tips to help improve mindfulness...I will try my best!

[MsNobody]

Did your parents have a good relationship? Our opinion towards marriage and kids tend to be very biased in what we saw growing up, the family dynamic, not only your parents but grandparents uncle aunt etc

 

[Shir]

@MsNobody Hey there! Thank you for your reply. Excellent question!

I'm sorry to say they seem to not have a good relationship, no. Growing up in it I feel like I may have absorbed their negative feelings...

I think they've sadly very much influenced my feelings towards marriage (on a personal level) aka not what I think other people do. This realization was something I only recently got the chance to understand and get a glimpse of, from Therapy.

It's amazing how just one question made me think right now, because the very thought of relationships makes me feel emotionally suffocated and I want to be left alone and have peace of mind - something I feel I somehow absorbed from their relationship.