Journey.

[moon777light]

TODAY:

meditation morning: 5 minutes

Midday: 30 minutes

TOdays was more grueling, in fact i had the same song repeat over and over in my head, and words "mentally retarded"  kept popping up. I have a deep fear of being seen as really stupid since as a kid i was called this as a joke. So i guess its surfacing. Also i have a deep fear of having a child that is mentally retarded. I know i know **gasp** how could you say that. Idk i just have that fear. Head hurt as well during meditation. In the middle i got a nice window of concentration on breath with no thoughts but a different song started repeating in my head and the end my head hurt even more. But after the session i feel more motivated and less attracted to procrastination. 

[moon777light]

Day 5 of no picking lips. Today i had almost no urge too, only once, and i overcame it so easily. Yesterday was day before exam. Before exam days=worst trigger, super stressed/pick till blood, like few hours of picking lips.......Yesterday? Nothing. Didnt touch my lips at all. 

Becoming more conscious of how sugar is bad for me.

[moon777light]

Meditated 30 min. Mind didnt interrupt that much but was very drowsy. Like i had to battle sleepiness for the last 10 minutes of meditation. I would dose off for 30 seconds, then jolt back "awake" on the sensations of the breath. Then dose off, then jolt back. Yesterday meditated only for a few minutes because school was very, very taxing.

Started readin Conversations with God Book 2, i finished 1 in January. Such a good book, like damn. Its intense. I just read how God was basically calling the author out for lying about being a "seeker" for 35 years. A better way to put it was an on and off seeker for 35 years. How to truly be a seeker, one must seek every hour, every minute, every moment of the day. Not just in a meditation session then plug your mind back in. But to remain mind-less as much as you can.(or as the buddhists say mindful hehe) As moment-to-moment as you can. This is a true seeker. A seeker that will find. This inspired me to "Be" harder. To take this whole Sage thing more seriously. 

Need to update my Dreamboard. Looking at it, almost everything has manifested. And i only started my mood board like 2 months ago. Thankful. I am so thankful. 

[moon777light]

15 min morning meditation +30 minutes midday meditation. Good Good, i always feel much more centered after them. I am thinking whether i should start doing the 30 min session right when i wake up but that means getting up even earlir than i do, and i barely get up now. WIll see.

Had SUCH a CATHARTIC cry today. Wow. And i uncovered conditioning i had never fully seen in myself before. Life iss gooodd. 

[moon777light]

yesterday 25 minutes, today 20. Today i was too tired to finish the the last 10 minutes. 

Instead of being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them- E. Tolle

Need to up my mindfulness in daily life game. Making every single moment count makes each moment feel like a lifetime. Living in eternity in the now. I ordered a gratitude journal and i cannot wait for it to get in the mail. Gratitude is the BEST prayer.

Thats all for now.

[moon777light]

Meditated 30 minutes, zazen style, like no movement whatsoever, pretty good session. Felt like eternity passed by. Towards the end, there was a good minute where i completely lost the sensation of my body so to speak. Like i knew it was there and i could move in an instant but i just became this weird observing orb, not sure how to describe it. I was trying not to panic, because if i panic, i snap out of that state, so i tried to observe as best as i could. My heart rate went up super superrr fast but i still stayed still and just observed it all. All i can say is that it was crazy. Concentration came and went.

[moon777light]

past 2 weeks were super duper busy and stressful. I managed to fit in some 20-30 minute sessions here and there but picked up the intensity a few days ago. I even did a whole hour Saturday. From now on, my goal is to start getting retreat-ready and will start to do once once weekly "light retreats" Ideally done on a weekend where i will meditate 4-5 hours back to back. Meditation is progress slow but steady. I can immediately tell when my mind starts doing its stories and thought circles and now im able to bring my attention back to breath fairly quickly. Also my focus on the breath is getting slowly better. Throughout the day, i find myself checking in automatically to see if im being aware, present Now. Currently reading Conversations with God book 2

[moon777light]

30 done. Was distracted first half, second half nice half-clean focus

had an ok day. However its amazing how beautiful the world looks after you have a good hard cry. I started feeling down after being scared of the future. I have this impending doom feeling that im going to be stuck doing what i dont love for the rest of my life. And not only doing somehting that i dont love, but living somewhere that i dont love. I feel overall pretty lonely here in eastern europe. I never quite acclimated to being here. I adapted and improved ALOOTT compared to by beginning here (like people dont recognize me) but still. And so im scared of being stuck here forever. TOo afraid to disappoint people by going my own way, and afraid that their "i told you so" stories will fufill and disappoint them even more. I read 5 chapters in conversations with god. Its sooo good. I read how much living in Truth is important. Living YOUR TRUTH. Speaking truth to yourself (#1!!!) (how can you tell truth to others when you cant even do it to yourself?????) then speaking truth to others. Then speaking truth from another to other. And so on. The most important habit is to get into the practice of honesty. Because when you start living out truth, you will attract the Truth much easier. (the capital T truth with a tm lol)

Also having a different persons persepective really helps you see through your bullshit. I had a person over at my place, and they saw how i was on my computer slouched on youtube and jokingly said "so thats it, just the internet, youtube and facebook, nothing else heh" and i thought to myself like ahemm you know nothing blah blah i meditate!! i read philosophy books!! im such a busy person. But then i stepped into their perspective and i really am the majority on the laptop. I really do automatically refresh youtube a million times. Yes i meditate and i read books but when that is done i start refreshign youtube again. Its time to really rewrite my daily story. My daily abouts. 

ALso another insight i read in the conversation with god is how Jesus's greatest gift was that he saw everyone as who they truly are. He refused to accept appearances, and he refused to believe what others thought about themselves, he always had higher thought. This got me thinking how when i interact with people, my judgement of them always jumps to the forefront, and this literally happens in a millisecond. I judge them by what clothing their wearing, what age they are, how their face looks, how they talk, i dictate how likely it is that their judging me etc. Instead i practiced today looking at a person not for their appearance, but just that, that that person is a person. Nothing less, nothing more, nothing else. Just a human being. Woop-di-do. I really have to push my mind to think in this new perspective, but i felt i was more confident, not that scared anymore if they stare back, instead i was more curious. I felt i had more power, more assertive to be who i want to be. This is something ill practice more of. Everytime i see a person, instead of analyzing their looks, i see them as just another human being. But i can feel my body using every fiber to push against this. I can feel my anxious ticks returning, like looking down, and fidgeting with my hands, and the fear of awkwardness arising in my belly. Sit with it, sit with it. 

 

[moon777light]

things are going well. Slowly starting to see how "you create your reality" is literallly down to a t, how this all works. Its scary and amazing at the same time. Also books. Books are amazing. 

I found a new teacher, and it insane, i have never resonated so much with anyone than with this teacher. It was like when i found actualized and how i felt about leo. The advice is so spot on, and just makes sense with the way i think and see. Of course i as always must watch out for the dogma/idolizing trap, like how i did with actualized in the beginning. I found one area where i disagree with, which is psychedelics. This teacher proposes strictly against the use of psychedelics and apparently apart from teaching, also spends time healing people from psychedelic trips gone wrong. But i still want to take them. I am looking forward to mushroom trip #2. 

Few days ago i had a shift in consciousness. It lasted only about 6 hours. It was a direct result of that jesus practice i stated earlier, to stop judging people for looks, plus combined with new teachings from said teacher. 

New contemplation:

"Because with the shift away from material survival (with the elimination of the need to succeed mightily in order to acquire a modicum of security) there will be no other reason to achieve, to stand out, to become magnificent, save the experience of magnificence itself!" (CWG II)

How would i think about future plans and endeavors if material things were not a priority anymore? To what would i strive for?????

 

[moon777light]

meditated  1 hour today, 30 min morning, 30 min evening. its started to make sense. The first few weeks of meditation, all i did was trust that it would get better. Most sessions were frustrating as i wandered off into who-knows-what land, not even sure if im focusing on the "sensations of the breath at the nose" properly. It seemed all so easy yet complex. Im so glad im sticking with it. Im slowly starting to get it, the flow on the breath. I am nowhere near strong focus on breath, but now i know that im doing the right thing. Im starting to get 30 second flows, 1 minutes flows, and on good days, 2 minute flows of no intruding thoughts, just on the breath, with some distraction with outside sounds. Also the after effect is very pleasant.  i get into this weird aura of observation, and thoughts become quiet. Even as i walk to and fro, its observement. It feels like im starting to feel the Force, like a Jedi in training. 

Finished conversation with god II. Im reading Dune rn.

[moon777light]

interesting insight i got from a video: how important it is to immediately get up the moment you wake up. Sounds like stage orange self development basics, But when i think about it more, our selves work always on a plane of 3 dimensions. Body, Mind, Spirit. And once you do something to one of the dimensions, you indirectly affect the others, even if its on a minuscule level. So If you wake up the moment you open your eyes in the morning, thats a subtle hint to consciousness that you are more ready for Waking Up (enlightenment). If you go back to sleep and keep weaving in and out of sleep, you finally get up, but your all groggy, foggy, and unclear. Thats how you operate and see the world that day! in most cases, everyday! How can i expect waking up on a spiritual/soul level if i cant even wake up my physical body properly?? What message am i sending? I have an intersting phenomen where i open my eyes at a ridiculously early hour, like between 5:30 and 6:30am, then i see how dark it is and im like nooo im gonna sleep some more. The moment i stay in bed is when the cycle unsues. I keep on waking up, then sleeping another 30 mintues, then wake up then again. Then once i finally realize i should get up, i spend about 10 minutes on my phone so the blue light wakes me up. I have this inner feeling, intuition i guess, that when i opne my eyes aroud 5:30 is when i was meant to get up. I should listen. 

WAKING UP=Physical/Body--> Getting up right away WHEN YOU FIRST OPEN YOUR EYES, 

WAKING UP=Mind/Emotional-->Increasing your consciousness, Being Aware, Observing instead of reacting

WAKING UP=Spirit/Soul-->AWAKENING, ENLIGHTENMENT

 

"if everything around you seems dark, look again, you may be the light" -Rumi