Journey.

[moon777light]

This is my second journal. My last one started with lots of expectation, excitement, and a bit too much hope for overachievement with no structured organization. My biggest weakness is not sticking to plans by overstuffing my list of goals. I become too hopeful with trying to change my outlook overnight, but then as soon as i start breaking one habit im trying to build, then im less motivated to continue, when im less motivated putting things off become so easy of course, and then i forget about the habit.

I was very weary to start another one because im scared of failure and not living up to the goals i want to achieve but that means i wont go anywhere.

I read a passage in eckart tolle's New EArth where he describes an old Sufi's tale. A King who got pissed very easily sought out the help of a wise man. The wise  man said his advice will be completely priceless but will give it too him as a gift. In the next few days, the king got a beautiful box that contained a golden ring. On this golden ring was inscripted the words "This too, shall pass". The wise man told the king that in every situation, good or bad, too look at the ring and remind himself that this too, shall pass. This will make the king wary of the fleetingness of life and every moment, and he will learn to detach from events, good and bad. This detachment paradoxically makes him cherish and appreciate life much more. 

Once i read that i started repeated to myself, almost as a mantra, as frequently as my mind can remind myself, that this too, shall pass. Strange-ly, when i said this, i got a feeling in my heart, something warm, and my mood truly did lift up and i was more motivated to do work and not complain. My motivation toward life in general, as well as my goal of Awakening, strengthened. 

I am restarted my meditation habit. This time, i will be using the guidance of the book "The Mind Illuminated". what i learned from my previous events of meditation and its failures is exactly what the book describes in reasons why people dont make advancements. I was trying to carry more eggs than my basket could hold. I focused on acheiveing too many goals, (getting still focus, distractions disappearing, peacefulness, etc). What i didnt know is that i need to structure my plan out, tackling one issue at a time, which is what book mentioned above exactly does. It has good reviews, so i hope it works lol. 

In regards to the whole domain of spirituality, and what this forum is about, ive come to find out that for ME, its most important to be able to meditate SUCCESSFULLY before i can branch out into other fields (self-inquiry/yoga/psychedelics/etc) i need to get basic skills out of the way in order to have a firm foundation for harder skills. I admit that would watch actualized later videos (2017ish and beyond) which are very advanced material, whereas i havent had a nondual experience yet, meaning all being said in the videos really doesnt make sense haha nor other videos such as Advaita.

Journey sounds cheesy but its the name of my favorite video game (which is about the the journey of life) that i just replayed. And i think its the simplist way of describing what i am doing. 

----

So for the time being, my current goals are:

-> Learning how to meditate: by going through the stages of meditation listed out in "The mind Illuminated"

->fix sleep cycle

I am very tempted to add more, but if i do, i know already that i am putting myself up for failure, which means i broke another promise i made to myself. Breaking promises to self is hurting your relationship with yourself meaning my self-esteem will get hurt even more. This time im taking it in piece by piece, brick by brick im building the castle. Everything else i do thats beneficial will just be bonus

And the Journey starts

[Colin]

I discovered this song around the time I saw your post. 

The name of the album is voyage.

I love the honesty of your posts.

Also, I might check out The Mind Illuminated

[moon777light]

@Colin im glad you do

thank you for the song, i will check it out.

DAY ONE:

The mind illuminated--> STAGE ONE: The goal of stage one is very simple and hard at the same time. Its to establish a disciplined and DILIGENT practice. we all know about disciplined practice, which means doing it every single day, but not so much of us know about diligent, which is too give it all you got during the meditation. To follow your instructions as best as you can and to not waste time planning or daydreaming. I did lots of this on the last meditation challenge i gave myself. 

First meditation day is completed, 20 minutes. The method listed in the book (1. preparation 2. four step process to ease into focus 3. actual focus) helped immensely. The amount of mindwandering i had compared to other times i did meditation was a night and day difference. My mind felt refreshed afterwards and my mood was good. One image shown in the book was a bucket being filled with water, but the bucket had holes on the bottom so the water leaked out. The author explained that this is what our spiritual journey will be like if we only concentrate on being present during our set meditation time during the day. If we dont bring mindfulness throughout our daily lives, we might as well not meditate at all. Interesting thought.

 

 

[Colin]

1 hour ago, moon777light said:

If we dont bring mindfulness throughout our daily lives, we might as well not meditate at all. Interesting thought.

Lyrics from the song

"There's a space I'm looking for
I grind all the time 7/24"
 

[moon777light]

DAY 2: mind was cluttered with thoughts, barely got any concentration time but thats probably because i did the session right after my parents were being super annoying so lesson is to not do meditation after im agitated

DAY 3: went to sleep kind early (10:30pm) and woke up kinda early (7:40am). Immediatley after waking up i went to meditate and that will probably be my plan from now on since my mind is most refreshed and cleared. The session went really well and im proud of my self for being pretty dilligent through it. Like every time i got distracted i would bring my attention to the breath, even when distractions are emotionally heated (like when my neighbor started doing something with a car loudly). I became aware of the moment the meditation finished i turned "off" my meditaion brain and turned "on" my "me" brain. Like op! meditation done, now i can finally be myself again. But i need to bring its lessons through every waking moment. 

[moon777light]

DAY 4: meditation 20 min done. Once my mind wanders i am able to pull it back to the breath in a millisecond. But how fast i can turn attention back to the breath is how fast it becomes distracted by thought. Today i watched a documentary on trees called "the Call of the forest...the forgotten wisdom of trees". The past few days i have been getting crazy tree recommendations when im on the internet. Videos from the 434 channel, then i see several books on tree wisdom recommended, ted-ex documentaries, and now i find today this as i browse the mercola website. Yesterday i drew a tree.., i feel like it just called to me. ANother thing i learned was that i need to trust the process. I am a person whos frustrated with my art skills, i get angry when i have a picture in my mind or see something and im not able to draw it too look "good". I began drawing the tree and was soo close to giving up as per usual but decided to finish it. WHen i did it turned to look beautiful. 

[moon777light]

DAY 5: meditation done at the beach. Tis Good

DAY 6:meditation done. i have found that in each session i have maybe 2-3 periods of concentration that last a few seconds then disappear. Today during transition into the meditation object (in the method im doin you first become aware of all sounds/sensations/thoughts, then you move onto only sensations of the body, then breath, then breath at the nose), when i was in the stage for sensations only in body, i got a period where even though there were so many noises outside of myself, i was hyper aware of only my body. 

I am nearing the end of Book of not-knowing, im on chapter 19 of 26. Currently finished "beyond Belief' chapter and im pondering on getting a jounral to write in (physical of course) to take a few minutes every day to analyze and deconstruct all the beliefs i have. I notice that the more i look at things for-itself  rather than for-myself  im at more peace. I started thinking that all the limiting beliefs i have, if im able to deconstruct them to see what they really are (illusions) how much different my thinking would be. Its gonna be hard tackling the "good" beliefs.  Also getting more pain in the eyes when im looking at screens

[moon777light]

DAY 7: done, 1 week streak

DAY 8: done at beach, horrible couldnt even once concentrate because people everywhere, my boyfriend was with me and so i feel for some reason some extra pressure that i give myself for no reason, and music from this club was blasted loudly (yes, at 9 in the morning)

Day 9: done, pretty good. when im surronded in the right setting, i can remember pretty quickly to switch back to focus. I mean its only been 9 days, so i shouldnt expect any growth now, its just the beginning and expectations shouldnt be prioritized. 

Im getting lazy around the whole sleep early wake early but tonight ill retry again. No more adding habits until ive established a meditation practice and a good sleep cycle. Currently finishing up Ralstons book, probably should look into buying a journal to write out exercises in his book.

[moon777light]

Lost count of days, i think its DAY 19? but basically did it daily except for 2 days where it was *nearly* impossible to do. The days that i didnt do it i was so upset and really missed having my daily practice, its begun to center me for the day, especially when i do it first thing in the morning. I have finalllyyy begun to consistently in every session get into that mode of concentration that i believe leo calls "access concentration". Which made me realize how much i dont like that video now, because i think he teaches concentration in the wrong way. His intention was good probably, but leo insisted that you concentrate as hard as possible for a short time and only advance until you can 100% cleanly get through the 2 min, which for beginners is nearly impossible to do, and would take maybe even a year to get passed that stage, making most people give up and think their incompetent for meditation. Which i was on the verge of. Culadasa's method of gently easing into concentration, rather than forcing it, puts the pressure off of achieving something, and thus makes it easier to achieve it. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Your reasons for appreciating  Culdasa's method is similar to my reasons with Centering Prayer meditation.  

What I thought was a wise saying I heard from someone who had long been in the Work said- "We have to make the work our own. We have to find our own way in a sense."

[moon777light]

20 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

"We have to make the work our own. We have to find our own way in a sense."

the beauty of the Journey <3 Amen

[moon777light]

DAY 20/21->finished I am now entering Stage 2 of the 10 stages of meditation and its harder for me than stage one, even tho the book says supposedly stage one is the hardest. Fully focusing onto the breath today proved to be difficult

I am becoming more mindful throughout the day, and seeing just how much my fantasies and all of my programmed feelings and fears pop up and weave throughout my day. I am seeing how much i put myself down, even in the tiniest tinyiest ways. I make assumptions before even interacting with someone how they will react to me, whats their personality, what the overall "air" will be like. I think its because i had one or two bad interactions with a certain type of character and now i assume it will be the same for everyone else i meet that has that same characteristic. Im closing my experience into a tiny tiny window that i have become aware of just now. 

I was swimming in the sea and noticed how the ripples on the top make it so you cant see the reflection and remembered the pond analogy of enlightenment. The water will reflect perfectly the Truth only if the surface is utterly still, one movement and it becomes fuzzy. The more still it becomes, the more you can get a taste of the Truth. I then moved my heads underneath the surface and deep ripples in crazy patterns were created. What created these ripples that arent seen from the surface but lurk underwater, in the deep? I believe this could be seen as the assumptions and beliefs i have, and thoughts are the tiny ripples that happen when drops from the surface come down. I thought that thoughts were the main problem, thats all i could clearly see, but its the sneaky  things that are from the deep that create the messiest waves. 

I was drinking coffee in my backyard and let go of all things i hold as "me". I let go of my self-image, of thoughts, judgements, whatever, and got a lovely feeling of warmth around the heart area. Maybe theres is something to this work. But doing this work is so exhausting. Its changing the way i live, nothing gets bigger than that

I grab my phone and refresh pages day in day out, why? what does it mean? yes i follow conscious pages but in the end its depriving me of seeing now for now. I vow to listen to the presence, there is only wisdom that can be learned only in presence. I want to feeeeell every emotion deeply, and to not deny myself of myself. To deny sensations just because an invisible wall called society's rules was made up someone and adopted by everyone, based completely on imagination. The only people inhibiting us is us. 

I want to say more but my head hurts from trying to unravel as much as i can

Im gonna go take a nap

[moon777light]

2 days later

yesterday i had the most strange meditation experience, where i immediatley went into one of my strongest concentration flows, i actually was conscious how the sounds of crickets faded to a distance, as my mind put its attention on following the breath. It was like when you slowly turn down the volume on a stereo. As this continued, i felt as if time has slowed down a lot, and the thought of when this is over was not appealing to me. I felt like i could be in that state forever. But then, the fear came. It came super strongly as a giant wave that washed over me. I knew that i need to ignore all phenomena and just focus on the breath. It worked sometimes, but the fear usually won. I also started getting paranoia. I know that its feeligns of when my soul was hurt and instead of resisting and hiding away i need to embrace and let go. During the meditation i thoguht about "what if this happens to me during a psychedelic trip"? i know in meditation i could just stop when it gets too intense and walk away, but with psychdelics, your in it and theres no escape. I plan to try mushrooms soon <3 i got the most crazy signs around me to try them and so i wont ignore them. I think this is good that i had this experience, because i can now better be prepared for when i try them, and now know the value of learning how to surrender and let go. After my meditation, i felt scared and worried, but also more grateful for life. And felt a few inches taller. i watched a good video on why do fearful feelings and images manifest sometimes and ill post it here

Todays session the concentration was ok, not like yesterday. The thing that interuppted me the most was my runny nose! and blowing in a tissue every few minutes didnt help either, so i should look into neti pot-ing.

 

[moon777light]

Meditation today INCREDIBLE

concentration is getting stronger and more fluid, this is so ridiculous in a such good way. I cant believe it. After i finished i was in such a happy state. Im wary of saying bliss because i have a feeling thats a level above happiness. But for about an hour and a half after todays morning session (25 minutes), my energy levels were high, i was all smiles. I have to remember tho that TRUE happiness is independent of whats going on around you. True happiness is when you feel happy even though your stressed, sad, grumpy, or things dont go your way. I dont have experience on this yet so i wont dwell too much on it. I dont know if i mentioned that i bumped my sessions from 20 min to 25. Yesterday and today sessions seemed to go by soo quickly, which i geuss is a side product of improvement? I am started to enjoy meditation thoroughly and im sooo happy im sticking with it ahhhhh. I feel like i just tasted the very tip of benefits of meditation. If i achieved this at only a few weeks, i cant imagine what advanced meditators experience on the daily. And if according to some people here, advanced meditators only have a taste of what reality is, i cant even fathom how deep it goes. But baby steps. 

[moon777light]

meditation yesterday and today was riddled with thoughts wavering around but i did manage to get some points of high concentration. I dont want to admit this but everytime my boyfriend is upset about something, my concentration power goes with the wind. I need to learn to stop obsessing over the relationship adn instead just observe and be present. Breathe and notice what my reactions are. Today at the grocery store i was crouching into my usual sense of fear when i noticed people were looking at me longer than id like them to. I was on the verge of acting grumpy and angry but i caught myself and started taking slower, deeper breaths and just was. I just observed my reactions and the environment around me, mindfully, and i calmed down and felt much better. WHen im in the present moment, the whole perception changes vs my usual thought stories  

[moon777light]

meditation: going lovely, i have begun to reach the territory where i manage to stay focused majority of time, and i get so bored from focusing on the breath that the mind wanders. Before it was too hard to focus on breath because the mind wandering was non stop. Now im inching toward access concentration as my "default" setting. I still have much to get there, but the progress is night and day between what i used to do.

My new goal is being present throughout the day. Yesterday for the first time i focused on being as present as much as possible. It wonderful. As ive mentioned earlier, the bucket analogy is what motivated me the most to adopt this. That when you meditate but not present throughout your daily life, its like pouring water into a bucket that has numerous holes at the bottom. It just wont stick. Youll feel better, but that "better" will soon slip away, and that will repeat in an endless cycle of adding in beautiful present only to lose it just as quickly. Being present is hard, but no surprise, i spent nearly 2 decades lost  in my thoughts on a 24/7 basis. It entered overthinking mode as i became a teenager. Much to make up for. My biggest thoughts that intrude are fantasies, ive noticed their the hardest to crack away at, because once they pop up, i just get lost in the whole story. Im finishing the power of Now, the bible of presence. Also when im present theres a verrrrryyy fine line between True Presence and fake presence. Fake presence is when i become more aware of my surroundings but start letting my emotions tangle up, instead of just watching everything occur, and saying things in my mind like "okay now feel your inner body, okay now focus on the sounds....just enjoy the present moment" these thoughts are trickery because it seems like its helping me to become more present when in actuality they are just more thoughts that get in the way. 

[moon777light]

yoo this being present in the moment all day is hard 

WHy is it that when i do it i become dizzy and start forgeting things? lol when im present i kinda space out and my family is like "are you ok...?"

lol but i do find that im much more productive. Also, the internet is starting to disgust me. Like when i scroll on youtube, i can different, i feel how it all is just brainwash, time wasting. Never have i get this feeling before. Surrendering and letting go of resistance helps so muchh. I start having more motivation to help people for the sake of helping people. 

To change subject, my house has a fly infestation, and no matter how many i chase out, they keep coming , so i starting wapping them with that bug killer slap stick, and my mom asked me worridly if we are going to incarnate into flies in our next life as a punishment for killing so many XD..i hope not haha

25 min meditation done, but around 15 mark mind, it was so hard to focus, even  if i try my hardest, i started pain in my neck, like some weird tightness, so i decided to melt into that 

 

[moon777light]

boy i didnt update this in a long time.

2020

Breathe. Just....Breathe.

No more slacking around. I know what my mistake is when i put myself to do new habits. I knew it since forever yet i was scared to admit it for some reason. Thought continueing the msitake it just might work once, even though my mind already knows the answer. Thats putting way too much on plate. Too many eggs in my basket. Every single time, ever since middle school, literally hahha I write list okay im going to meditate, eat healthy, exercise, read all these books, practice art, be an amazing student, progress spiritually......

SO for 2020 i have a different plan. Instead of wiriting a list of resolutions on January 1st and trying to do them all at once, im going to give a resolution per month. Let it have a snowball effect and roll deliciously into a slowly transformed routine. January will be my rest month ironically. February starts the first GOAL. I actually alreayd started it, to give myself ahead time, and thats meditation. I keep weaving in and out of my meditation, i make progress, PALPABLE progress and then.....whooosh, slip back into my old habits. I see a journal on here where someone comitted to a hour a day. That inspired me too. I have my TMI meditation book and plan to study the material on a weekly basis along meditation. I'll never forget the 65 core principles of life video where leo said 'if your not meditating at least an hour a day... what are you doing with your life?" yeah. My end goal in this year to meditate every day for 1 hour at least but i need to get there in steps. Im already aclimatized to 20 min so my goal for Febuary is to meditate daily for 30 minutes!!!

Ive been on track for the last week or so. I also always meditate 2-5 minutes first thing in the morning and last thing before i go to sleep. It gives me more of a peace of mind. Already my mind is jumping forward, wanting to list what to do next, but this time i will not indulge those thoughts and just observe the impulse from a distance.

FOr January i read "conversations with god book 1" AMAZING BOOK!!!!

TOdays 30 min session was good, i kept dancing between distracting thoughts and getting in the flow of the breath. I also noticed how my mind isnt used to 30 min because around 20 min mark my concentration ability deteriorated a lot and lots of day dreaming happened.

I am doing my very first psychedelic session soon wish me luck

[moon777light]

"ANYTHING WORTH DOING, IS WORTH DOING BADLY FIRST"

Meditated 10 minutes first thing in morning, 30 minutes afternoon, and yet to do few minutes before sleep vry soon

I LOVED MY 30 MIN SESSION! the middle of the session i completely fell off course into daydream land and successfully pulled myself back together into focus mode. I had very good focus for that time and now am able to to focus on sensations of the breath for a few min without thoughts dragging my attention away. Makes me remember why i am doing all this hard work, its so worth it and i feel so happy right now  I also studied the "5 hindrances of meditation" in the TMI book

1.)Worldly Desire 2.)Aversion 3.)Laziness and Lethargy 4.)Agitation due to remorse and worry 5.)Doubt 

I managed to observe them without reacting immediatley during my meditation session and i think that definitely aided in having such good focus at the beginning and end. ALso today i managed to observe thoughts of jealousy that rose inside me, specifically to not being pretty enough/people around me getting more attention than me and observing the envy and anger arise. Of course i still got carried away with the emotions, but being able to see what happened is the first step to overcoming it/integrating it. Ever since i had my first "official" holotropic experience i now know this is my shadow side reacting, and i know its gripped onto me very very tightly and its very scared and reactive. Breathe, Just...Breathe

 

 

[moon777light]

30 minutes done today, 10 minutes in morning, as well will before sleep.

Yesterday i only meditated 2 min in morning because i was still recovering from psychedelic trip

Day before yesterday, meditated 5 min in morning, and 15min before psychedelic trip, i wanted to do 30 but i couldnt because i was too jittery

During the last 7ish min of the  30 min meditation today i felt my third eye chakra, right in between my brows it was vibrating intensely. Moments like this give me inspiration, motivation, and hope. I mean daangg this is all REAL. All of this chakra stuff, spiritual stuff. Its gives it foundation. A few minutes after i was finished it continued to vibrate, slowly lessening. Session went well, 2 times my mind got distracted into stories and i brought attention back to the breath. For what it feels like is the millionth time, i am utterly amazed at "The Mind Illuminated" system. 10/10. 100/10.   

I am still integrating my trip. One thing i noticed, is that i stopped picking my lips. Not naturally, not just like that. But everytime i raise my hand to pick my lips or even begin to rip the skin, i remember what i felt during my trip "why would i want to harm myself??? why would i ever want to do that??" this is a habit i have had literally since i was 4 years old. In moments of stress and worry, even in the most miniscule amount, i pick my lips for comfort. During meditation session i also felt such a deep desire to do it. And then i felt the pain around my heart, a heaviness in my heart, quite possibly the source of that urge to pick my lips. I said im sorry to the pain and i recognize it, i feel you pain. It slowly faded away. This is only 2 days after my trip, so i dont want to start celebrating now, but if this habit is truly broken, a habit that lasted almost my entire life from early childhood...then wow. 

Also the urge to put off meditation is always so heavy and big. Im doing it but because im pushing myself. I reallly need to get to my head how crucial it is to silence my mind. After my meditation sessions i feel incredible, and would want to do more, but before, before its so hard. I Must look for motivation and inspiration outside myself for thats the best way to overcome procrastination. There. Just as i typed that last sentence, i felt the urge to pick my lips, and felt the pain around my heart. Before my trip i only felt the urge, then i did it. Now always next to urge arises the heaviness in my heart. Its as if my heart has been ever so slightly opened. Bless this.