Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

I'm Great

After the realization that I had a screwed self-image, the realization that I wasn't weird but convinced myself that I was weird where I'm normal, the realization that I was fine, here's now the realization that I'm great.

For how long am I going to deny it? For how long am I going to hide myself from myself? When will I finally accept to recognize it? I think that it's time, yeah, it's time.

Since I was a kid people labeled me as been highly intelligent. I wasn't exceptional at school most of the time but even if I wasn't exceptional people and teachers labeled me as being highly intelligent. Some people labeled me smart by barely knowing me and some people labeled me smart just by looking at my face. I had many experiences like this in my life:

• When I was maybe 13, I was eating at the school cafeteria and some girls came eating at the same table and labeled me smart. They said things like: "It's obvious that he is smart. He looks smart."
• When I was at a gym, a guy came to me and asked me: "You... you are good at school?". Well... no... I wasn't that good, but I think that he saw something else inside me, something that I didn't dare to recognize in me.
• When I was working in a company an older worker was basically afraid of me and told me: "You are intelligent you! Yeah, yeah... you can do this because you are intelligent."
• During my first Skype call with a client, the first thing that he told me before any courtesy was: "You look smart..."
• I have been taking some coaching recently and my coach told me: "You are very intelligent.". In my mind I was like: "Uh? What did he tell me that. I'm just working through my issues."

A few years ago when I was seeing a psychologist my sister told me that I should ask her to give me an IQ test. I ask why and she responded: "Because you look like the typical genius who is awkward and doesn't have friends.". I refused because the limitations of the IQ test were obvious to me. However, during one of the sessions with this psychologist, she shared the same thought with me and labeled me as highly intelligent. Besides that and even though I expressed some thoughts and emotions, I wasn't feeling that much comfortable with this psychologist. I was feeling a lot of closemindedness and was analyzing her during the sessions, I was able to see through her limitations and biases.

When I was 5 years old, I was sitting at a table with two friends, and one friend showed one of her hands and said: "This is my right hand". The other friend who was on the other side of the table disagreed and said: "No, this is not right, this is right" while showing her right hand. As they started to debate, I decided to intervene to solve the situation and said: "Hey, look. Yes, this is right and if you go to her place it will still be right. The difference is that we aren't in the same position, we aren't on the same side of the table but you are both showing your right hand.". I don't think that I was exceptional here, in fact, the teacher explained this previously so the difference is that I just remembered the lesson and applied it. I probably didn't have any thoughts about it when I was 5 years old but I may have intuited that this was the basis of all misunderstanding, all debates, and all conflicts in the world: two sides speaking about the same thing but being unable to understand that it is the same thing because of differences of perspectives. Two sides mirroring themselves without being conscious of it. As two kids who both have the same right hand but are unable to see it, we are all the same in the end but cannot see it because of life circumstances and different perspectives. I often found myself being the person in the middle, the person who observes people debating then comes after to explain each other perspectives. This is the oldest memory that I have where I felt ahead, I was 5 years old.

Some people from this forum told me that they were impressed by me and were admiring me... but I always saw myself as dumb. Ok, not just dumb to be honest, but also smart. This is the deep paradox that I cultivate within me: I feel incredibly dumb and incredibly smart at the same time. This is a weird feeling, but this is how I am.

I didn't know how to handle this feeling inside me while growing up. I didn't have the emotional maturity and I also have been impeached by life circumstances. I hidden my power, I have been afraid of it because I didn't know what to do about it. I think that it's time to recognize it, accept it, and use it.

I am an extremely aware, extremely intuitive, and extremely intelligent person. This is why I can't relate with most people, this is why I always felt disconnected from people of my age, this is why I always felt weird, and this is why I can easily turn any of my weaknesses into a strength. Yeah, I can improve anything that I want and solve any possible problem because I am designed to handle complexity. This is what motivates me.

Yeah, I am extremely aware, extremely intuitive, and extremely intelligent.

Edited October 12, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Nothing is wrong with me, I just have things to improve. I see a discrepancy between what I think I am and who I actually am. People usually see me as better than I see myself.

My self-image is non-aligned with my capabilities. I should get a serious boost by just improving it.

[Raphael]

To this point, I'm really getting bored with Spiral Dynamics. I'm stage Rainbow, end of the story.

 

[Raphael]

All knowledge is flawed and inaccurate.

Being too much attached to knowledge and models is a trap just like dismissing how much knowledge and models can be useful. It's important to learn to use knowledge and models in an healthy detached way.

[Raphael]

Not sure if I'm becoming asexual, but I feel like all my sexual desires disappeared.

[Raphael]

There's a limitations with threads like this and this is not the usual limitation of labeling ourselves as better. Sure, this can happen but labeling ourselves and assessing where we are in life is fine as long as this is healthy.

I feel that this is something related to the limitation of knowledge, how we make sense and what we perceive as true.

I'm not sure what this is, but I can intuit something...

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

The AQAL model looks like the ultimate model so far. It tries to encapsulate everything: Spiral Dynamics, The 9 Stages of Ego Development, etc. It might even be a bit too much sophisticated.

 

[Raphael]

I have more and more difficulties assessing myself with Spiral Dynamics. It was easier ~2 years ago, but now things feels very different. I really don't feel like I'm mostly somewhere. I resonate a bit with all these stages and still have things to integrate but overall I don't feel that I can put myself as being mostly at a stage. I feel that I am nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

Things are getting weird, I'm not sure what is happening. Maybe I'm bored with Spiral Dynamics and bored with assessing myself... I'm not sure. Maybe a part of me is starting to evolve beyond Spiral Dynamics... but I'm not sure. Maybe I should change my main model and use more "The 9 Stages of Ego Development" or another model... but I'm not sure. It has been at least 6 years since I discovered Spiral Dynamics, a part of me is really bored with this model.

There's also a part of me who feel that these models are useless because when I follow my intuition I evolve naturally, but another part of me feels like the part who feels that these models are useless isn't wise enough...

Why am I so weird? Even within this community I feel weird and abnormal.

[Raphael]

Positive Radical Honesty

They are two sides to radical honesty: a dirty side and a positive side.

Usually, when it comes to radical honesty we mostly think about our dirty side. Being radically honest about what's dirty inside us helps to release a lot of emotions and overcome blockages. This is great but we also often have difficulties recognizing what we are really capable of.

The positive side of radical honesty is about recognizing all the untapped potential inside us. Doing it is scary because when we do it we feel like we have been wasting our life. However, it's never too late to recognize our full capabilities and to realize who we really are.

Here are things that are great about me:

• I am extremely aware
• I am extremely intuitive
• I am extremely intelligent
• I am extremely creative
• I am extremely original
• I have a natural quirky sense of humor
• I am physically healthy
• I am physically attractive
• I have very high-level thinking abilities
• I am a very deep thinker, there's a lot of depth to my thinking
• I have really good public speaking skills
• I'm good at seeing things from multiple perspectives
• I am very objective and very neutral
• I have the capacity to quickly learn anything that I want
• I have the capacity to solve any possible problem
• I have the capacity to radically raise human development through an holistic understanding of the globe and of human nature
• I have the capacity to create a deep and fulfilling intimate relationship

[Raphael]

I Have More and More Difficulties Assessing Myself With Models

I noticed that I have increasing difficulties assessing myself with models. The models that I'm the most familiar with are Spiral Dynamics, The 9 Stages of Ego Development, and the MBTI. It was easier for me to use models to see where I was in life 2 - 3 years ago but now something feels a bit off.

I noticed thoughts, questions, and emotions arising:

• I feel more and more difficulties assessing myself as being at a certain Spiral Dynamics stage or a certain Ego Development Stage. I can relate with many of these stages except the most advanced ones (Turquoise, The Unitive) but I feel less than before that I have a certain center of gravity. I feel a bit everywhere.
• What does a model really mean in the end? Isn't it just a set of information that backed by a web of information feels like it means something? If in a language, words define other words, which then define other words, which then define other words... then a model doesn't mean anything. Assuming that all knowledge is imperfect, the question "Why should I trust a model?" is arising, however, at the same time, I'm conscious that models are useful and are helping me grow because in the relative context I'm a human being who use tools just like other human beings.
• I feel more and more that the map is not the territory. I feel that I am in the middle of the paradox that the map is not the territory but is useful anyway. Things feel a bit chaotic and uncertain even though I can use imperfect models to orient myself.
• No matter how much I assess myself, it will always be incorrect, infinitely distant from who I am, and not represent me.
• Any developmental model is basically a tool to guide ourselves on the path. However, the path from a certain perspective is just a concept. From the absolute perspective there is no path, the path is an illusion. What exists is experience, the now, or whatever we want to call that. I'm conscious that both sides of this paradox need to be integrated.
• The path is very uncertain. I can use models to orient myself and convince myself that I'm going somewhere, but I can get killed and everything will be over.
• My intuition is telling me to drop all models and just look at areas that I want to improve and focus on things that I want to do. My intuition is also telling me to follow my intuition more, but at the same time my intuition knows that models help to develop and sharpen intuition. So I'm going to continue using models but with awareness of their limitations.
• Rejecting models can come from below and come from above. From below the ego is trying to convince itself that it is better and doesn't need models. From above, it is a recognition that models are useful but limited and shouldn't be taken too seriously.
• I feel that my ego is trying to trick me. He wants to show himself as being above models by dismissing how useful models can be.

Who relates to this?

 

[Raphael]

I really need an environmental change to this point. I have been talking so little in the past 4 years because of unfavorable environments that I feel that my ability to use language diminished. I feel that I have less vocabulary than 4 years ago both in French and English. I also feel that it has an impact on my cognitive abilities and the sophistication of my thoughts.

I'm naturally rather introverted (I also have been a bit of an ambivert at some moments in my life), but at the same time this feeling of social isolation is becoming too much. I have more and more difficulties assessing myself using models like Spiral Dynamics and The 9 Stages of Ego Development. I don't feel human anymore.

I want to move to a place that is at least at stage Orange/Green so that I can talk to people and express my emotions more without feeling too much pressure.

[Raphael]

I smell a lot of ego within me and a lot of ego related to my relationship with these models.

[Raphael]

This is an ego trick. I'm noticing some residues within myself from who I was when I was 20 - 21.

Edited October 14, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I had an offer today from a potential client to work on a project related to green energy. I would work only 3 days per week with a good pay and would be able to make some presentations too. This is a stable part-time position so it would relieve me from the stress of dealing with chaotic clients who come and disappear. It would also allow me to change my environment, meet new people, and continue working on my app aside and even hire a freelancer to help me.

The guy seemed open and has experience with multiple cultures as he worked in at least two different countries. He also has been a freelancer in the past and understands how chaotic and uncertain things can be sometimes. He was honest with me and I was honest with him as I told him about my app, my project to make it my main income, and that I would probably not work more than six months for him. He was cool with all that.

I noticed some contractions and burning sensations in my stomach while I was speaking to him on the phone. This is related to past traumas caused by relationships in work environments, I still have to work through that.

Things are unfolding interestingly...

[Raphael]

The more confused I am in life, the more people are telling me that I'm doing great. Lol

[Raptorsin7]

13 hours ago, Raphael said:

I had an offer today from a potential client to work on a project related to green energy. I would work only 3 days per week with a good pay and would be able to make some presentations too. This is a stable part-time position so it would relieve me from the stress of dealing with chaotic clients who come and disappear. It would also allow me to change my environment, meet new people, and continue working on my app aside and even hire a freelancer to help me.

The guy seemed open and has experience with multiple cultures as he worked in at least two different countries. He also has been a freelancer in the past and understands how chaotic and uncertain things can be sometimes. He was honest with me and I was honest with him as I told him about my app, my project to make it my main income, and that I would probably not work more than six months for him. He was cool with all that.

I noticed some contractions and burning sensations in my stomach while I was speaking to him on the phone. This is related to past traumas caused by relationships in work environments, I still have to work through that.

Things are unfolding interestingly...

Do you think you could teach a person with 0 coding experience to be as proficient as you are? If so how long would it take, and what would it entail?

[Raphael]

8 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Do you think you could teach a person with 0 coding experience to be as proficient as you are? If so how long would it take, and what would it entail?

I can teach the basis and some structures that will repeat often in this field. However, depending on the need of the project some structures can become very complex. Technologies also change very often even though patterns are repeating so to become good someone has to develop a lot of mental flexibility and to do that he/she will have to learn to think very critically to get at an high level.

I'll say that it can take 3 to 5 years to become very good and it entails enormous research, frustrations, and the willingness to develop personal projects.

[Raphael]

Sleep have been a disaster for 3 days. I think that this is because my circumstances are starting to change. I also got a second excellent offer today from an exceptional person.

[Raphael]

How do you choose between two excellent choices?

Edited October 16, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I need help, I cannot do everything by myself.