Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

 

[Raphael]

Emotions are a puzzle to solve.

[Raphael]

And high emotional mastery is having an high ability to solve the ever changing complex puzzle of emotions.

[Raphael]

Being Introverted in an Extroverted World

I often had the feeling of being hated for being an introvert. Society glorifies so much extroversion that it doesn't feel normal to be introverted. Everywhere on the internet, on TV, on Ads, we see extroverted people doing extroverted things. We see celebrities, people partying, people going to concerts, people in groups, charismatic entrepreneurs, etc. but we don't see that many quiet introverts. I never liked noisy environments. I only went to nightclubs three times in my entire life, it was fun, but extremely draining and I didn't like drunk people and people throwing their alcoholic drinks on the dance floor. The only thing that I like to do and that qualifies more as an extroverted activity is doing speeches/presentations in front of a crowd no matter its size. That's something that I'm very good at and that I love to do when I'm very passionate about the subject and have well prepared it.

I got insulted in my life for being an introvert. I have been asked so much in the past why I was so quiet, but this question has always been strange for me because my mind never felt quiet. I remember a cousin telling my dad that he should do something for me and my dad responding brutally "He doesn't want to go out". I remember a teacher asking students what they did during their weekend and the students responding with extroverted activities where I would say awkwardly that I stayed at home.

I had difficulties understanding the hate that I got from a certain number of extroverts in my life. If extroverts like to be loud, go out, and party that's fine as long as they respect my privacy. People are different and have preferences in life, but it seems like many extroverts don't understand that. Many of them just disliked me for not being as outgoing as them, they didn't even try to understand me, they just disrespected me. I remember one day being at a restaurant with some extroverts and being so drained that when someone asked me if I wanted a dessert, I responded: "I'll swallow everything that you want.". They all exploded in laughter in my face and responded that they understand why I have no friends. I was so exhausted that I was starting to have difficulties communicating properly and forming thoughts.

I want to end up here by making the differentiation between being introverted and being socially anxious because there is a difference. If I'm honest with myself, I do have social anxiety, so this is true that I'm avoiding people and I lack social skills. However, even if someone has social difficulties I don't understand the need to put a person down for that. If you're an extrovert, you can help someone with social difficulties by just asking a few questions, showing some kindness, and in return, this person will love you. Help make things better if you can. Also, this is not an excuse for someone with social difficulties or me to not take action and always wait for people. Personal efforts still need to be made and I recognize that I need to make them. I'm personally not handicapped in life, I can do most of the things that I want to do. However, when it comes to making friends and sharing about myself I feel anxious and weird. I noticed that I tend to rationalize by telling myself "it's normal, I'm into self-actualization", but I think there's still a possibility when someone has great social skills, a very likable personality, and spiral wizardry skills to open up to people and being appreciated. A person like this would be like a magnet able to attract almost anyone and that's very powerful.

 

[Raphael]

All these journals that I create are just a survival strategy to fulfill my egoic need for visibility.

[BlackMaze]

Yes! Still it's a great tool. If it works it works even if this is the hidden reason we do it. I wouldn't stick to it if i didn't do it here even if a year ago this could seem crazy. I discovered things from every journal i kept but now i started using one note more to contemplate some stuff that don't need visibility. 

[RendHeaven]

1 hour ago, Raphael said:

Being Introverted in an Extroverted World

I often had the feeling of being hated for being an introvert. Society glorifies so much extroversion that it doesn't feel normal to be introverted. Everywhere on the internet, on TV, on Ads, we see extroverted people doing extroverted things. We see celebrities, people partying, people going to concerts, people in groups, charismatic entrepreneurs, etc. but we don't see that many quiet introverts. I never liked noisy environments. I only went to nightclubs three times in my entire life, it was fun, but extremely draining and I didn't like drunk people and people throwing their alcoholic drinks on the dance floor. The only thing that I like to do and that qualifies more as an extroverted activity is doing speeches/presentations in front of a crowd no matter its size. That's something that I'm very good at and that I love to do when I'm very passionate about the subject and have well prepared it.

I got insulted in my life for being an introvert. I have been asked so much in the past why I was so quiet, but this question has always been strange for me because my mind never felt quiet. I remember a cousin telling my dad that he should do something for me and my dad responding brutally "He doesn't want to go out". I remember a teacher asking students what they did during their weekend and the students responding with extroverted activities where I would say awkwardly that I stayed at home.

I had difficulties understanding the hate that I got from a certain number of extroverts in my life. If extroverts like to be loud, go out, and party that's fine as long as they respect my privacy. People are different and have preferences in life, but it seems like many extroverts don't understand that. Many of them just disliked me for not being as outgoing as them, they didn't even try to understand me, they just disrespected me. I remember one day being at a restaurant with some extroverts and being so drained that when someone asked me if I wanted a dessert, I responded: "I'll swallow everything that you want.". They all exploded in laughter in my face and responded that they understand why I have no friends. I was so exhausted that I was starting to have difficulties communicating properly and forming thoughts.

I want to end up here by making the differentiation between being introverted and being socially anxious because there is a difference. If I'm honest with myself, I do have social anxiety, so this is true that I'm avoiding people and I lack social skills. However, even if someone has social difficulties I don't understand the need to put a person down for that. If you're an extrovert, you can help someone with social difficulties by just asking a few questions, showing some kindness, and in return, this person will love you. Help make things better if you can. Also, this is not an excuse for someone with social difficulties or me to not take action and always wait for people. Personal efforts still need to be made and I recognize that I need to make them. I'm personally not handicapped in life, I can do most of the things that I want to do. However, when it comes to making friends and sharing about myself I feel anxious and weird. I noticed that I tend to rationalize by telling myself "it's normal, I'm into self-actualization", but I think there's still a possibility when someone has great social skills, a very likable personality, and spiral wizardry skills to open up to people and being appreciated. A person like this would be like a magnet able to attract almost anyone and that's very powerful.

 

Haha wow story of my life. Esp. the bold

[Raphael]

@RendHeaven Probably story of many people's here as being part of an online forum is a very introvert thing lol

[Raphael]

On 6/7/2021 at 9:21 PM, BlackMaze said:

Yes! Still it's a great tool. If it works it works even if this is the hidden reason we do it. I wouldn't stick to it if i didn't do it here even if a year ago this could seem crazy. I discovered things from every journal i kept but now i started using one note more to contemplate some stuff that don't need visibility. 

Also, there's something powerful in doing it on an online forum. It feels relieving, it opens up even though the ego wants to show itself in the journals.

[Raphael]

I can sense people's consciousness while walking in the streets.

[Raphael]

It's really impossible to not hurt anybody in life even while trying to formulate things the most politely possible. Someone will always take things too personally.

[Raphael]

I'm going to die.

[Raphael]

I should have seriously inform myself about the law and should have seriously educate myself on accounting.

[Raphael]

I thought I'll make it, but it looks like it's not going to be the case. I'm probably going to take a financial penalty but I should be able to handle it. It feels relieving to know that, I'm learning my lesson.

[Raphael]

Is It Too Immoral to Break with my Family in this Situation?

I need some opinions here.

I'm 24 years old, I work from home and live with my family. I make enough money to sustain myself so I can move out if I want, but I only have some concerns when it comes to my family.

My grandma is 90 years old, she is blind, cannot hear, cannot move properly, has lost most of her mental faculties, and she from time to time explode in emotional crisis. My mom is the one who takes care of her most of the time. My dad is a 70 years old racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. man who speaks loudly all the time, gives a lot of orders, and insults everyone all day long. It's not possible to rationalize with him. My mom is a 66 years old woman and the only sane person but I see that my grandma and my dad are draining her emotionally. We have animals: hens and four dogs. There's a lot of noise every day as we live close to the street, as we have animals, and as my dad is very loud and doesn't respect the need for silence for other members.

When it comes to me, I most of the time self-isolate in my room to avoid the drama and provide a bit of help when it comes to the animals. I'm personally very sensitive to noises and I'm really starting to get sick of this situation and feel the need to move out. But at the same time, I feel that I have a bit of collective responsibility. My parents aren't going to die if I move out, they are just going to get a bit more work. They have the money that they need, so they aren't big financial issues, but they are old and getting older.

I understand the necessity to help each other and take care of each others, but there's a difference between living in a dysfunctional environment and helping dysfunctional people. Sometimes, I feel that all these stage Green values are going to fly out the window and that I'm going to run out of this house. I currently feel the need to become ultra selfish, care only about myself, and let my family fall down.

 

Edited June 12, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I'm going to block this forum and only allow the Journal section where I will continue to report my progress. I have too many thoughts that aren't aligned and are competing with what I'm currently working on in my life. Many of these thoughts come from this place as I'm addicted to reading the discussions.

I didn't sleep in the last 2 days because I had take care of grandma. I often had to take her to the toilet during the nights because she couldn't walk since she fall. An ambulance came this morning to take her to the hospital. She should be transferred to a retirement house soon.

After the transfer I'll move out of this house. They are too much noises around me, I'm often interrupted, this is affecting my work and my ability to focus on personal development. I need to detox from this environment, I'll find a calm place for myself.

I prefer to be all alone than in a annoying environment.

[Raphael]

A Few Thoughts On My Social Anxiety

On 6/7/2021 at 8:59 PM, Raphael said:

If I'm honest with myself, I do have social anxiety, so this is true that I'm avoiding people and I lack social skills. [...] I'm personally not handicapped in life, I can do most of the things that I want to do. However, when it comes to making friends and sharing about myself I feel anxious and weird.

I got a few new thoughts on that.

The thing is that it really depends on the people that I'm dealing with. I can easily feel when people are open/close minded, so when I feel close-mindedness I tend to avoid conversations because I know that a lot of projections and judgments will come. I noticed my social anxiety varying depending on my environment. I live in a mostly stage blue country and it's very difficult for me to communicate with people without them getting triggered, where when I lived in Europe in the past I felt more able to open up because I met people at orange/green. I, therefore, became more social and had more easily nice conversations.

As an example, I was seeing a psychologist a few years ago and as soon as I entered the room I felt some closed-mindedness and subconscious judgments in her even if I didn't know her that much. Some sessions later she told me that some people don't even believe in God which confirmed my feelings... lol. In comparison when I talk to Nahm I feel that it's much easier to open up even when I feel some resistance. I personally really enjoy the conversations with Nahm and could talk for hours with him because I'm learning a lot.

Lastly, my teenage years have been pretty rough. I had enormous self-esteem issues between 13 to 18. I spent a lot of time isolated because I wouldn't trust people and because I would get bullied (mostly psychologically). Even now at 24, I feel that these years still have an influence on how I perceive the world. I see that I more distrust than trust people and see them as "bad". I also see that sometimes I don't open up to some nice people that could be great friends because I self-identify as being socially anxious which is a mistake because I can have great conversations when I just do the effort to push through it at the beginning.

So... I can be social and have nice conversations, thoughtful conversations, deep conversations but it really depends on the people that I'm dealing with. When I find open-minded people, I just need to push through my comfort zone to build momentum. I also think that I can work on Spiral Wizardry skills to be better able to communicate with stage orange, blue, and red but it will always be limited because these stages aren't my center of gravity. I can learn to put myself into lower stages, but temporarily when I want to learn about them or when it's necessary, it won't be how I'll live most of my life.

[Raphael]

Judging from the Lower Self vs. Judging from the Higher Self

• Judging from the Lower Self: backed by fear, often flawed and miss the big picture
• Judging from the Higher Self: backed by wisdom, very accurate and understand the big picture

 

[Raphael]

Some French Songs

I love these French songs. Take some time to appreciate some beauty.

 

[Raphael]

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