Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

Name: Raphaël
Date of birth: 27 march 1997
Age: 22

Psychological development:

• Blue (10%): I think having a good structure and organization is pretty important, discipline is also important. However, I'm not sufficiently embodying these ideas. I'm probably more organized, structured and disciplined then many people of my age, but I have many moments of disorganized chaos and my discipline needs to be improved. I'm a little too concerned about opinions of people on me;
• Orange (50%): Thinking independently and critically is very important. I also really like the ideas of autonomy, creating results, freedom of speech, innovation, pushing ourselves, and doing what we want in life. I'm going to the gym, and I want to look good and muscular. One of my biggest needs right now is financial independence and breaking out of wage slavery;
• Green (30%): Everyone have to be treated fairly, we can disagree with other people, but we should do it in a respectful and conscious way. The environment, vegetables and animal species also have to be treated respectfully. Businesses have to work in a conscious manner and not abuse the environment, people, and other nations. Everyone wants to be treated and paid decently including business owners, so it's better if it's reciprocal. I really like to eat healthy, so that I feel clean inside;
• Yellow (10%): I like to see things from multiple perspective, I have mixed origins, it helped me to see the world from different angles since a pretty young age. I open my mind to everything, I consider myself as being very open-minded, enough open-minded to admit that I can be close-minded without noticing it. I don't take most things personally, but I can still get hurt and angry by other people. I a very solitary person, I like to contemplate and meditate. I noticed that my mind and body works better after periods of empty space;
• Turquoise (0%): Not there yet.

Note: The above notes on my cognitive development are not 100% accurate, there are just where I feel I am. Of course my ego can delude itself by thinking that I'm weaker or stronger. I'm notably thinking that I can be less stage blue and more stage yellow, maybe it's true, maybe it's false, I'm not sure, but it's important to keep this in mind.

[Raphael]

I don't know how this journal is going to be, I can be sometimes organized and sometimes very chaotic. I will try to keep things as simple as possible, the more important things are my psychological growth and the impact of my thoughts on me and others.

Edited July 8, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I'm at work right now, I just had a bad experience with stage blue thinking, so I'm probably going to talk about stage blue pretty soon...

[M4sti]

Very nice, i think that if you want to re-calibrate this percentanges you should let enough time to pass, so your perception wont get screwed up, or you get some changes and you interpetent them in a very biased way , oh this time i acted differently it must mean i am getting yellow or something like that, i think many people will fall for this. I will follow this, i also started my own journal if you want to take a look  

[Raphael]

Thank you! And thanks for your advice! I think it will be very interesting to go through my old posts after at least 6 months or 1 year.

[Raphael]

EXPERIENCING STAGE BLUE

I grew up as a minority in a stage blue country called Mauritius. Was it bad? Not really, since the country is not a high-intensity stage blue, but more a medium/lower blue. I would say that maybe 60 - 70% is stage blue and most of the rest is above, and of course, it's possible to find lower stages. The political situation is stable, there's a low crime rate, no terrorism, no mass shooting, a good economic system, and good democracy. It's considered one of the most developed countries in Africa.

==> Read more about Mauritius here

However, even though all of this seems very good, my interaction with people is still frustrating sometimes.

I did all my education in the French system and I went to French private schools, so I had an orange/green education in a blue country. I was interacting with blue mostly in my family. After high school, I went to France and studied there for about two years. I experienced a lot of growth and I really felt liberated from many social constraints. I had the opportunity to stay in France and work there in a big tech company, however, it seems that I was too attached to my native country and I decided to go back.

Once I got there, all the shit started to hit me, and I clearly saw the psychological gap. I also saw how I hated and was afraid of stage blue when I got a job in a stage blue company. I'm currently at the end of two years of ego backslash, after two years of progress in Europe.

Edited July 9, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I'M SO GLAD I HAVE THE EDUCATION I HAVE

Even though I followed a stage orange/green western education and it's imperfect, it's still better than the blue/orange education my colleagues have. I can easily see the differences in our everyday life, the limiting beliefs, and fears of people around me, and how to not fall into the same traps.

[Raphael]

HAVING STAGE BLUE MANAGERS

Two of my managers are stage blue, one of them is more intense than the other. It's possible to see it in his energy and even his body language, he seems so tense. He is easily shocked when I say I disagree with him on something and doesn't even question me on my point of view, but rather force me to obey him. I sense strong ego every day, and it's quite hard to work with him sometimes, hopefully, most of the time we are not directly interacting.

I asked a question on a task recently, I already had an explanation before, but I needed more information. I thought someone would give me more information, but my manager told me that it's not elegant to have so many comments on a task. I said: "It's OK, they don't care". He answered: "Are you trying to defy me?". I was so confused. Finally, I didn't get any more information, he told me that the work is already here and that I don't have to reinvent the weel. I only needed to convert it to another technology.

Main lesson: Stage blue is very insecure, easily reactive against critics, and always concerned about others opinions.

[Raphael]

STAGE BLUE LEARNING MODE

Stage blue learns mostly by repeating existing patterns. The more a work is identical to the original, the better it is, most of the time differences are seen as bad quality work. So innovating and improving things that exist is bad.

[Raphael]

I'M REACTIVE AGAINST STAGE BLUE

I'm distracting myself right now by ranting on stage blue. Even if I'm overall happier and I learned a lot about acceptance since the last ten months, I'm still having difficulties to deal with stage blue. I can get sometimes outraged by its stupidity. This needs to change and be turned into compassion and acceptance. Maybe experiencing even more stage blue would be the solution...

I have to stay careful that my ego doesn't pervert this journal by mindlessly ranting on stage blue or other things I don't like.

Edited July 10, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I'm too much distracted right now, I need to turn my focus on my freelance business and send more proposals to some jobs. Let's refocus.

[M4sti]

What was the main reason for returning to your country? you had a job and already had an insight that it was better at France, 

[Raphael]

14 hours ago, M4sti said:

What was the main reason for returning to your country? you had a job and already had an insight that it was better at France, 

Attachment and homeostasis, it was too many changes that my ego could handle in such a short time. And also some insecurities, my dad is stage red/orange, he passed me many insecurities and I also got criticized a lot when I was growing up. I also had a job opportunity in Mauritius, so I did this choice maybe because I wasn't feeling worthy enough to continue in France. Which is funny because I was doing better than most students. Also, French people complain so much that it seems France is the shit hole of the world where it's far better than most countries. I heard many of them saying that they wanted to quit France.

Another thing I want to mention is that the country where I'm living is actually pretty well developed. It's probably like Europe, but 50-70 years before with less high-quality infrastructure and a little more disorganized. As usual young people are more open-minded (less than in Europe however) and speaking to people who are above 35-40 is like speaking to people in their 70s and even more in Europe. Many social interactions are frustrating.

But I grew a lot by immersing myself in a stage blue environment. I met interesting people. I'm much more yellow than before where I was more orange, I'm also much more compassionate, less reactive, and I understand many things that would be have been impossible otherwise.

[Raphael]

YOU CAN GROW FROM LOWER STAGES

If you are stage orange/green and you are this kind of idealist person who thinks everyone is equal and that we should all treat each other respectfully, then, there are still many chances that your not embodying these ideas and lack to understand all the complexities and nuances of interacting with lower stages. This was me more than one year before, I thought I was smart, but in reality, I was quite dogmatic. Working in a mostly stage blue and also very briefly red environment has helped me a lot to understand myself and people. Even if it was difficult at the moment, doing it has pushed me into stage yellow. It's funny that something I used to hate so much helped me grow. If you can have an experience like this, do it. You will grow a lot from it.

Edited July 11, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

LOVE YOURSELF

Life is great right now. Nothing has really changed externally, but many things happened internally. I remember how miserable I was last year, I hated so much the world and my dad that I started having panic attacks. Panic attacks alone at midnight in a small apartment is not a funny thing. It didn't happen once, but more than a dozen times. It was the signal that I was going too far, and that if I would continue to live with so much hate I will be dead soon.

At the end of last year, my mind and body reversed smoothly, and I started to love myself. In fact, the opposite happened, I loved myself so much that I had moments of pure ecstasy, where it was difficult to control. I was completely blown away by life, my own existence, and the fact that I exist. I saw common and insignificant things such as objects or dirt as miraculous. It was one of the best moments of my life.

Main lesson: Love yourself or die.

[Raphael]

PERSPECTIVES CAN VARY A LOT

One day a coworker told me that he thought I was older than him (he is 24), another day, a guy at the gym though I was still in high school. He told me I looked really young, maybe like 16 and that he was really impressed that I looked so young at my age.

Main lesson: reality is highly subjective and people see things in many different ways.

[Raphael]

STARTING AS A FREELANCE WEB DEVELOPER

I just got my first client pretty recently, I was mostly focused on that and I didn't write here for a few days.

Starting something new is never easy, and starting something new which is directly linked to financial independence and survival is stressful.

I was a little anxious when starting the job. I had many doubts on my competencies and I didn't felt ready enough. However, I'm actually progressing at a satisfying rhythm and I'm able to respect the deadlines.

But my mind doesn't want to calm down. Sleep has been terrible this week. Even if things are going well for the moment my brain is disturbed and DOESN'T WANT TO SHUT UP

[Raphael]

MY PSYCHOLOGIST HAVE A BAD PSYCHOLOGY

I've been seeing a psychologist for more than one year now and I can see some bad patterns with her. She's probably much more open-minded than the average person, but she has some limitations. Many times when I mentioned new possibilities for myself she pointed out negative stuff and possible risks at first. It seems that she thinks she understands more stuff than most people, which is probably true, but at the same time, her ego can corrupt her judgment. Nevertheless, it's still interesting to analyze her behavior.

Main lesson: having a professional degree doesn't imply that someone is a real professional. Discernment and questioning have to continue, especially with people who consider themselves as being better than most people.

Edited July 20, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

PURE LAZINESS

I have been very lazy yesterday and also a lot today where I have a client waiting for some work. It seems like my brain and body need its a dosage of pure laziness. In these moments I usually spend many times on the internet, watching youtube videos with low values, making a lot of research without reading completely what I find, going very quickly into a lot of diverse content, watching porn, masturbating, etc. I'm not focused in these moments and I usually don't remember most of the things I see. It happens too many times at work and on the weekend, and this is really killing many of my results, and this needs to be fixed.

I URGENTLY NEED TO IMPROVE MY WORK ETHIC.

[Raphael]

MY STAGE ORANGE EGO IS REALLY STRONG SOMETIMES

I often feel like I'm smarter than most people and I convinced myself many times in the past that I was right. I just had an experience where I had this feeling but in the end, I was wrong. I feel angry in these moments of egoic convictions, then I realize how dumb I am to act like this. This is toxic stage orange and it doesn't feel good. Hopefully, I'm aware of it, it's the first step through change.

Main lesson: It's very difficult to really know if I'm right. I need the maximum possible informations, enough exchange with other people before assuming something, and more humility.

Sub lesson 1: When ego is involved I don't feel good.
Sub lesson 2: Not knowing/Not being egotistical right feel better than the opposite

Edited July 22, 2019 by Raphael