Going through the spiral

[flowboy]

15 hours ago, Raphael said:

Whether I move out or not I feel selfish. I feel selfish if I move out because I feel that I'm not helping my parents as they are old. I feel selfish if I stay because I feel that I'm taking advantage of the situation as I'm not helping them that much.

If your intentions towards the world are good, then it is never selfish to do what is best for you, as in the long term it is also what is best for the world.

 

4 hours ago, Raphael said:

I'm not a saint. I'm very far away from being a saint. Don't read this journal or follow me if you want a perfect saint.

No one relates to a saint A saint is just a marketing image, a projection, made possible by reputation and distance, that people use because they feel the need to look up to someone. It's basically a pyramid scheme of perfectionism and self-unacceptance. Perpetuating a saintly image, thereby rejecting the human side, is done so that others who don't love and accept themselves unconditionally, can use that to point to, and keep that unloving pattern alive in themselves. Even true saints never said they were saints, it was the ones around them who projected the perfection, wrote the legends and left out all the humanizing details.

 

15 hours ago, Raphael said:

It feels great to do this publicly, it helps me to open up and to be more vulnerable.

I won't hide anything anymore, I want to be 100% open and vulnerable here.

?

Now when you're willing to accept all of this enough, to be able to tell this to someone you're dating, she'll be all over you.

Of course I'm not saying to tell it all on the first date, people like to keep it light at first and go step by step, but this kind of authenticity and vulnerability is super attractive.

Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who doesn't constantly try to prove that he has no flaws or painful stories like this?

I've been told it's very hard. With your sense of direction and purpose, combined with self-acceptance, vulnerability and openness, you'll be irresistible to the right woman.

@soos_mite_ah  would you say that's accurate?

It's such a mindfuck, because this is the opposite of the survival strategies one learns in teens and early twenties.

[Raphael]

8 hours ago, flowboy said:

If your intentions towards the world are good, then it is never selfish to do what is best for you, as in the long term it is also what is best for the world.

Really insightful. Thank you.

8 hours ago, flowboy said:

Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who doesn't constantly try to prove that he has no flaws or painful stories like this?

I've been told it's very hard. With your sense of direction and purpose, combined with self-acceptance, vulnerability and openness, you'll be irresistible to the right woman.

I was aware of that actually and had periods where I was expressing much more my vulnerabilities and my struggles. The problem that I had in my life is that most of my environments didn't allow me to do that + I felt pressure from certain individuals to just shut up.

[Raphael]

@soos_mite_ah Thank you. I appreciate your support.

[Raphael]

I'm really not that smart. I'm in a period where I feel like a complete idiot... like the most idioctic that I felt in my entire life.

[Raphael]

A Distrust of Authority

Many people in my life didn't allow me to use my brain. I've often been in situations where an hypermasculine guy would try to show how good he was by doing things fast and shutting up everybody else. The irony with this is that this person would actually take more time than others because he wasn't listening to anyone and would make a lot of mistakes by going fast.

This is how I felt many times in my life. I didn't felt taken seriously, I didn't felt listened as a kid, teenageer, and even when I was around 20 - 22... and even now by many people. I'm personally very intuitive, I like to explore things by myself, I like experiencing, I like finding what work and what doesn't work, yet I often didn't had this possibility because people expected me to shut up, listen, repeat, or some people had so much ego that they wanted to do everything for me to proove themselves. I many times screamed internally, I screamed: "Please... LET ME FUCKING DO THINGS BY MYSELF. LET ME USE MY BRAIN. DO I HAVE THE RIGHT TO USE MY BRAIN OR WHAT??". Ironically, when I would do things by myself I would do things better than average + as I'm also very intuitive and creative I would discover things that no-one would ever discover because I wouldn't carefully follow instructions.

Experiences like this made me highly distrustful of authorities, it made me question everything around me, it made me rebellious. Hopefully, I taught myself programming when I was 15 and this activity has been one of the activities that helped me the most in developing my brain. Programming is an incredibly cognitivetly demanding activity, probably one the most cognitively intense activity that can exists. If you want to push  your mind to its limits, try programming, it will break your brain into pieces. If you never coded anything, you have no idea of the amount of complexity that there is behind one single app, even a simple note taking app or an alarm. And even if some tools these days allow to build complex applications pretty quickly, the complexity is still there, it has just been hidden behind advanced tools. In the end, nobody develop an app alone, thousands of people have contributed to any app by working on the operating system, other apps, and the material.

[Raphael]

@Raphael

You know your strengths:

• Awareness: You are extremely aware. Even if you can have difficulties opening up and take time, you can see your issues and you know that you will be able to address them. This is a natural gift that you have.
• Intuition: Your intuition is very strong, you can determine things without getting a lot of information. You discovered meditation by yourself, you didn't know about meditation the first time that you meditated, but you intuitively discovered it. Same thing with shadow work, you have been doing it for years without knowing it. It was maybe not as powerful as if you had more knowledge, but you were already doing it.
• Intellect: Your mind is hyper-sophisticated. You can make a lot of connections and see the structure behind things. You know many ways of using your mind: you can focus to dissect information, you can see the big picture, you can group things, you can acknowledge when two perspectives are good but still choose the best one, you can see holons, you can be creative by taking in some information than waiting for creative insights. You know that you want to perfect your mind by continuing training it.

And you know what you want to develop:

• Healthy masculine/feminine balance: You know that you want to get more in touch with your masculinity to achieve what you want to achieve. However, you also know that you don't want to be a neurotic result maker because the last time that you did that you almost killed yourself. You had too much raw masculine compassion in your life, you know that it doesn't work well in most cases, in most cases in create traumas and dysfunctions. You know that you want a bit more of softness, love, care, and acceptance in your life, a bit more of feminine compassion. You know that you want a proper unification of the masculine and the feminine, you want a 70% masculine / 30 % feminine balance. You know that you want to be strong and masculine while at the same time supporting yourself and loving yourself. Be masculine with a feminine touch. Embrace the strong man inside you with the supportive woman inside you.
• Feelings: You know that you have difficulties listening to your feelings and often don't want to admit them, but you know that your feelings say the truth. Your feelings are there to guide you, they are here to help you orient your life. Accept to listen to them. Feel more, live more.

Edited September 17, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

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I avoided digging in myself by writing small insightful posts in this journal.

Good. You are acknowledging it.

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I don't like my country, but I got dragged back into it end of 2017 because I had some stage Blue shadow.

It happens, everyone has backslashes. You are aware of it, you are progressing. Continue doing shadow work, it will help you.

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I convinced myself that I was better than everyone because I had the capacity to stay alone where I wasn't happy most of the time.

...

I used my intellect, I hidden in my work, and then hidden in spirituality to convince myself that I was superior to people. I had a huge intellectual ego and huge spiritual ego.

Good. You are conscious of your difficulties. You are becoming conscious that social connections are part of a happy life. You are progressing.

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I had difficulties understanding people most of my life:

• I had difficulties understanding emotions.
• I had difficulties reading social cues and facial expressions. I couldn't decode people most of my life.
• I was way too direct and logical.

This is true, but you had periods where you have been much more social. You already proved to yourself that you can be social in the past. Let yourself be authentic and tap into that.

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I want a few trustworthy friends in my life (2 - 3) with which I can resonate with intellectually and emotionally. I want some genuine friendship, however, as I always attracted a lot of criticism I'm distrustful of people. Even if a person is genuine, it's difficult for me to trust him/her. I'm careful with people, I feel some unsafety with people even if I'm not handicapped and can do everything that I want.

...

I also want more opportunities to meet more diverse and interesting people.

You have been hurt on this path. This is normal to have some anxiety considering your past experiences. You know that you can make progress here and you have goodwill. Forgive everyone who causes you harm because you also caused harm in the past. You are as equal as them, forgive them by loving them and loving yourself.

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I've always been shy around girls and this shyness is still something that I need to work through.

...

I don't know how to flirt.

You know that you actually have this natural ability within you and you know that you only have to let yourself be.

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I had serious body-image issues when I was a kid and teenager. When I was 14, a guy told a girl that if she looses a game she will have to kiss me... this is how disgusting/inferior some people perceived me. Even though I now know that many girls find me physically attractive, I still feel ugly internally.

You are very different now. You know that you don't only look good but that you are also extremely wise and mature for your age. It is difficult to find someone as wise and mature as you.

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I got badly conditioned by my dad regarding relationships. I always had the feeling from him that it was something bad.

It's good that you are aware of it. You are progressing in the right direction. Forgive your dad, let go of the conditioning and let your feelings guide you.

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Even though I'm pretty aware of women difficulties I also got very bad masculine examples. I absorbed some conditioning despite me. Overall, I'll say that I'm doing much better compared to 80% of other guys, but I want to completely clear out this conditioning. I won't get into a relationship without doing that.

...

I'm pretty conscious of the difficulties of women because I have a great sister and a great mother + I also had a quality education. Most of the time I take the defense of women, however, I see some resentment inside me at the same time. This resentment is here because I never felt attractive while growing up nor taken seriously by girls. Most of the time when girls were flirting with me I felt like I was a "test guy" to train themselves.

Good. This is fine, this is normal. Clear the conditioning and the traumas and you'll naturally fix everything in this area.

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I don't want a girl to see how dirty I am. This is basically fear of vulnerability.

You are currently doing some progress by opening up here. You are being vulnerable by showing how dirty who really are. You are authentic, you are doing great.

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I'm not sure who I am supposed to be as a man.

You know that what you want is authenticity. You want to be completely authentic and in touch with your feelings. You don't want to fit men's expectations of who a man should be nor fit women's expectations of who a man should be. You want to be yourself.

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I never found any girl that I find physically attractive + resonate with emotionally + resonate with intellectually.

You'll find one and you deeply know it.

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I don't know how to create an appropriate work/personal development/relationship balance.

You know that you'll find your balance. You have all the capacity to find a healthy balance.

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Also, this is more something that annoys me here, but as I mixed-race person I receive a lot of projections and it also happens with women:

• Considering that I live in a country where most people are people of color and my skin tone is lighter than average, I don't like to be perceived by women of color as the white guy who can provide money or being put on a pedestal.
• For white women, I don't want to be labeled as middle-eastern, Indian, or black (because for some white people anything that is not white is black) Stop trying to figure out my ethnicity because I don't have any.

This is inevitable, people aren't perfect and make projections all the time. Also, recognize that you had some moments in your life where you saw some uncommon people and wanted to ask them some questions. Everybody is doing this. You are not perfect, you are not a saint, you are like other people. Forgive these people, accept them, because they are exactly like you in the end.

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My reason to get back to my family home was to create my first business because it was too much work for me aside from my main job. However, as I was emotionally unstable I made very little money the first year but my parents didn't know it. I hidden it, I was ashamed of it, and I hated myself.

Yes, you struggled a lot, and yes you were unstable, but you made it anyway. Creating a business takes a lot of courage. You are also getting closer to release your first web application, that's a huge achievement especially considering how complex developing an app is.

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Things got better the second year (this year), however, I'm still afraid of quitting this home not because my parents have a lot of work with the animals, but because I'm afraid that I don't make enough money if I go out by myself. The fear is a bit irrational because I made money almost all months of this year and I made enough to sustain myself.

Yes, the fear is irrational. You have the capacity for independent survival and you know it. It's time to fly. Let go of the fear and live.

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I don't genuinely care about my parents. I don't help them that much. I just take the dogs for a walk every day, that's all.

...

When my grandma was there, I didn't help my mom 95% of the time even though she was taking a heavy emotional charge. I avoided responsibility, I didn't help that much my mom when my grandma was having her huge emotional outrages. I was afraid of her (and also unstable myself).

Yes, this is true. A part of you is selfish, but the way that your parents educated you contributed to that. Your parent's always treated you as a kid and never took you seriously. They always wanted to do everything for you, many time they didn't let you the joy to exercise your brain. In consequence, you stopped caring about them because you weren't taken seriously. This is why you've put so much importance on independence and competencies in your life because you wanted to be taken seriously, you didn't want to be seen as an incompetent spoon-fed kid.

Now you are expecting everyone to be independent and competent but this is not possible. Also notice that you yourself need others, you cannot do everything by yourself. You live in a society. You know that this idea of being independent and not caring about others went too far. You also know that you like to help. Do you remember how genuine you were when you were a kid? You genuinely wanted to help others and you know that this desire to participate and to help is still there inside you. Allow yourself to tap into that.

You also have a lot of shame here, accept it, feel it, and let go.

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Whether I move out or not I feel selfish. I feel selfish if I move out because I feel that I'm not helping my parents as they are old. I feel selfish if I stay because I feel that I'm taking advantage of the situation as I'm not helping them that much.

...

I'm in a situation that is not good enough for me to self-develop but not bad enough to motivate me to quit. My dad isn't as bad as he used to be even if he is still annoying and loud, and often say some hateful stuff and some racist stuff. As I stay stuck in my bedroom most of the time I'm avoiding him. The situation is too comfortable to grow, I cannot grow without changing my environment. People who convinced themselves that they grow without changing their environment are deluding themselves.

Allow yourself to fly.

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Even though most people in my family have a pretty dark skin, I noticed myself having a better view of white people. I think that I'm doing it because my interactions with white people have been much better so far than with people of color. Of course, I'm conscious that they are environmental forces behind this and things like colonization. I'm just acknowledging it withing myself.

Good. You are conscious of it, you perfectly know that the challenges that some communities face are much more difficult than others and therefore affect their growth. Some people are just more lucky to be born in better environments. Recognize that just like them, your environment wasn't perfect. Everyone has environmental difficulties. Let's accept that and lets accept people as they are.

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Concerning women, I noticed myself perceiving white women as having more value than women of color.

• I'm conscious that white beauty standards are over-represented in the world so there's a lot of cultural brainwashing.
• The only little thing that can contradict this is that light colors attract eyes more easily. I did an experiment and watched more porn with women of color and I noticed that my mind started to perceive things differently. I got more attracted to women of color. So overall, I consider beauty standards to just be brainwashing.
• I'm only noticing biases within myself here. When it comes to dating I'm not cutting women based on ethnicity, what interests me the most is that she can relate to me.

Good. You are perfectly aware of the environmental factors behind this flawed perception and you know that you want a clean mind:

1. White beauty standards are overly represented everywhere in movies, TV shows, ads, porn, etc. We assume that white is normal and that white looks better.
2. As most developed countries are white majority countries, people are more liberal than in other countries. The reason why white women seem more sexually attractive is that they are much more sexualized images of white women in bikinis (or less than bikinis) compared to women of color. Countries where most women of color live are more conservative, therefore there are fewer images of women of color in bikinis.
3. In less developed countries, survival is more difficult therefore the priority is the development of infrastructures and basic survival needs. People have more difficult living conditions, less access to quality nutrition, experiences more stress, and have less time to take care of their physical appearance. Because of that they aren't much represented around the world and the difficult living conditions affect their physical appearance.

Your sister is a young woman of color and she is beautiful. You have other women of color in your family that are beautiful too. Let go of the conditioning and allow yourself to see things as they are and to see beauty in all women no matter their background.

[Raphael]

I'm healing, this is phenomenal.

[soos_mite_ah]

On 9/16/2021 at 3:20 AM, flowboy said:

If your intentions towards the world are good, then it is never selfish to do what is best for you, as in the long term it is also what is best for the world.

 

No one relates to a saint A saint is just a marketing image, a projection, made possible by reputation and distance, that people use because they feel the need to look up to someone. It's basically a pyramid scheme of perfectionism and self-unacceptance. Perpetuating a saintly image, thereby rejecting the human side, is done so that others who don't love and accept themselves unconditionally, can use that to point to, and keep that unloving pattern alive in themselves. Even true saints never said they were saints, it was the ones around them who projected the perfection, wrote the legends and left out all the humanizing details.

 

?

Now when you're willing to accept all of this enough, to be able to tell this to someone you're dating, she'll be all over you.

Of course I'm not saying to tell it all on the first date, people like to keep it light at first and go step by step, but this kind of authenticity and vulnerability is super attractive.

Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who doesn't constantly try to prove that he has no flaws or painful stories like this?

I've been told it's very hard. With your sense of direction and purpose, combined with self-acceptance, vulnerability and openness, you'll be irresistible to the right woman.

@soos_mite_ah  would you say that's accurate?

It's such a mindfuck, because this is the opposite of the survival strategies one learns in teens and early twenties.

Yeah i would say it's accurate. It's something that I think applies to both genders and it's something that I'm trying to work on as well when it comes to acceptance. People connect to vulnerability, self-acceptance, and openness much more easily than to a perfect and competent image. 

[Raphael]

@soos_mite_ah

You already are a cute, open, feminine girl with a beautiful smile! 

P-S: I'm learning how to flirt, I hope you don't mind lol.

Edited September 19, 2021 by Raphael

[soos_mite_ah]

I'm glad you think that lol 

You seem like a really sweet person so I dont mind at all 

[Raphael]

Another Incremental Cycle

I feel like I have been reliving my life in the past four years. I have been reliving what I experienced from 0 to mid 20 in four years from mid 20 to mid 24. I had a peak phase around 17 - mid 18, after that things started to crumble a bit and completely collapsed when I was at mid 20. It feels like another incremental cycle that I went through to learn some lessons and integrate things that weren't properly integrated from 0 to mid 20.

Here are a few things that I learned:

• Work and Productivity: Work in a conscientious, balanced manner, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to relax. I've either been a highly disciplined, highly organized person in the past and took it to the extreme to the point of having a mental breakdown or been a complete disorganized mess. The best thing is to have some rules, follow a schedule without being neurotic about it and break the rules a bit when needed. I want to work a bit less the last week of each month to have a bit more time to self-reflect and integrate the lessons of the month.
• Relationships:
  • Relationships are important and I've been denying them too much in the past because of traumas and bad conditioning. Too many social interactions exhaust me, so the best thing for me is to have moderate social interactions except if I'm in a phase of life where I want to meet new people. It's fine to play the social game sometimes, if we are too much into it we may get trapped, but if we are aware of it it's fun. It's like playing a video game, it doesn't matter in the end, but it's enjoyable.
  • People are extremely different, it isn't useful to expect them to have my values nor to judge/condemn them for not being like me. People are where they are and doing the best that they can, this is fine, and they all want is to be accepted as they are. Also, I have a collective responsibility and cannot live in isolation my entire life.
• Intimate Relationship: Again, I've been denying this too much because of traumas, bad conditioning, and psychological health. It is perfectly fine to seek an intimate relationship, a deep emotional connection, and sexual experiences.
• Health: As my mind is hyperactive, I need a lot of food, especially a lot of calories. This is fine for me to eat a lot as I don't take any weight. I need to be careful of aliments with FODMAP and not consume a lot of them as they can cause gut issues. Regarding exercise, the best thing is moderate exercise in the form of home workouts with a run each week, there's no need to kill myself at the gym as I did between 18 - 22. I don't have to be over-obsessed with my body. My body is fine, my body looks great, I want to be authentically myself. I have to continue working on my traumas and do healing work every week. Everything is incredibly interconnected when it comes to health.
• Life Purpose: It evolves all the time. A life purpose gives a sense of direction and helps moving up spiral stages, it is connected to someone's personal growth. In my case, a big life purpose is compelling and motivates me to work. It gives me a feeling of responsibility towards humanity, it helps me to be disciplined while still enjoying life.
• The Meaning of Life: Meaning is a feeling which means that we can feel meaningful by generating this feeling within ourselves. We can either put a negative meaning on our life and feel difficult emotions or put a positive meaning to it and feel positive emotions. It doesn't mean that we should avoid negative emotions, it just means that it helps to put a meaning as we feel that we live for something. Ultimately life has no meaning, but there's no need to be depressed about it, we can put a positive meaning to a meaningless life. Life is meaningfully meaningless, let's appreciate that deeply.

I noticed that things changes in my life every ~2 years and that I also change environment each ~2 years. I currently feel that I'm exiting the Limbo phase and getting into a new Start.

 

[Raphael]

I'm Not Late in Life

I'm really not late in life, we can never be late in life, nobody is late in life but at the same time it's great to grow up early because we integrate lessons earlier, have more emotional mastery, and can be happier living life.

In my case, I'm just where I am and I actually had some diverse experiences that make me advanced in some areas. I'm advanced in:

• Work and business: I got my first job at 20 and I started my first business at 22. Even though I lack some experience in more professional settings, I'm really good at my job and have a bit of experience with dealing with clients. I want to get completely financially independent, I have a plan for it, and I'm working on it.
• Thinking abilities: Thinking is my greatest asset, I developed my thinking abilities very quickly thanks to computer programming.
• Understanding of the world: Thanks to my exposition to some environments that were very different and thanks to Spiral Dynamics, I have a certain understanding of how human development works.
• Self-Introspection, Contemplation: I've been doing that naturally since I was a kid. It allowed me to understand many things about myself and about the world. I don't feel that I need a therapist that much — therapists that I went to disappointed me even though talking about issues to someone can help and can be relieving — I can analyze myself and fix myself.
• My awareness and intuition are also naturally very high.

I'm currently mostly deficient in relationships and dating, but I'll sort that out. I also need to get my driving license, this is very important.

After failing at everything in life for more than 20 years and making so many mistakes I'm starting to get an overview of all the basics. I noticed that this is how I function. I don't like to read instructions nor to follow rules that much (even though it can help so I should do that more), I like to experience things, I like to test every possibility to sort out what works best. Because of that, I'm particularly bad when I start new things, I take time, but at the same time I get a lot of original insights. Let's say that in a new discipline everyone starts at zero and gradually level up... well in my case I start at zero but fall down at -1, -2, -3, etc. then after having tested everything that doesn't work I start to level up + as I made so many mistakes I have so much knowledge that it makes my growth skyrocket, and I excel and get ahead. This is how it has always been for me. However, as it takes a lot of time I'm currently improving this by trusting my intuition more and more. My intuition is very accurate, I know that I can trust it. I'm currently learning to balance experiencing possibilities with intuition.

It's time to integrate all the basics of life in a healthy balanced way.

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

[Raphael]

I feel that I gained maturity after the agitation of the last week. I feel like I took 5 - 10 years in just one week. There's a part of me that feels quite mature even though I'm just 24 and lack many life experiences.

I have been in many extremes in the past and tested out many things when it comes to how I should live life and my attitude towards it. I think that I'm getting to a point where I understand where to put my balance.

I want to integrate everything that I learned in a healthy balanced way.

[Raphael]

More Radical Honesty

• I had a phase where I have been an asshole.
• I was rather mean with my sister when I was a kid. I called her names like "slut" and "bitch" and even hurt her physically a few times.
• I stole some toys at school when I was 5 years old. A girl who was in my school bus saw it and told it to the teacher. I was ashamed of what I did and just wanted to hide.
• When I was maybe 6 - 7 and was playing at school with a paper plane, a boy took it in his hands and destroyed it. It made me angry so punched him and he crumble down into pain.
• I had a video game addiction from 14 to 16. I haven't played video games seriously for more than 6 - 8 years now, but I can still watch some gameplay online as a coping mechanism.
• Even though the bullying that I experienced in high school was moral bullying in 99% of cases, it was enough for me to have a few micro intrusive thoughts of doing a mass shooting. Fortunately, it never went further away than that.
• During the final exam of high school, I was so stressed out that I ejaculated in my pant. In the moment I wasn't sure if it was cum or pee, but it was cum and it reassured me because as cum is thicker it doesn't fall on the ground so nobody noticed it.
• I wasted years of personal development by doing it with the neurotic attitude of pushing through it until it works and it didn't work. The personal development that I came in first was a mix of stage orange/low-green personal development including some of the first videos that I watched from Leo. It was success-oriented personal development that emphasize enormously on taking very quick actions to get quick results, but it didn't work. Some people (including Leo) were saying that the one who takes the most actions will get faster results than the one who spends time theorizing... well... there's a bit of truth here but also a lot of nonsense. The best thing to do is to work in a conscientious way and to take slow calculated actions in order to avoid mistakes and create results. Never, ever, ever, EVER listen to anyone obsessed with speed even if it's Leo or any other reputable personal development guru. Personal development isn't a competition, it is personal. What I needed to start with when I was around 18 - 20 was shadow work, this is what would have help me the most, but I didn't come across it (even if I was doing a bit of it by self-reflecting a lot). I guest that a part of me wasn't Green enough and that the part who wanted success at all costs dragged me down into hell from mid 20 to mid 21. However, the desperate moments that I had during this period of my life did help me as I cleared many traumas from the past. It's quite ironic that one of the first comments on this journal is from someone proposing me to do some shadow work.
• I got trapped in the libertarian ideology in the past when I was around 19 - mid 21. I took the ideas of independence, freedom, and not caring about others to the extreme. I wanted to do everything by myself to be seen as stronger and better than everyone. I was seeing people who weren't as competent as me as dumb and lazy, but it was me projecting my trauma onto others. I even went to the extreme of not caring about my grandma who had difficulties walking in the street because I was sure that she could do it by just putting in some effort.
• Some of Leo's videos damaged me. I'm thinking here about some stage Orange videos from 2014 - 2015 like "How to stop being a victim", "How to get shit done". The hyper-masculine approach triggered some traumas inside me, made me fearful of not getting results. It reminded me of the attitude of my dad. Part of the reason why I resonated with Leo was trauma-related. The masculine approach doesn't work for me in most cases, I prefer a compassionate approach in 80% of cases with a bit of toughness in 20% of cases.
• Most of the content that I watched from Leo has been useless. I grew up enormously but mostly intellectually, I lack a lot of embodiment. I fall into the category of the philosopher who knows a lot of things but isn't grounded.
• I'm good at theories and finding the structure behind things, but I have difficulties generating results.
• I have been working on an app since 2018, however, as I was in a very poor mental state for years I couldn't work properly and failed many times. I am now finally getting there.
• In my most desperate moments, I used porn and masturbation as a coping mechanism. I had a few days where I would masturbate three times per day to deal with the pain. It can still happen that I use masturbation as a coping mechanism but that's quite rare.
• I have been afraid of been labeled an incel in the past, but I don't care anymore because I don't fit the category. I have health, I make money, I'm self-improving every day + I'm not desperate for a relationship even though that's something that I'm interested in trying. I see incels as an extreme thing.
• Pretty girls used to scare me... but I'm not sure if it's the case anymore. I need to expose myself more to see.
• I don't feel manly enough. I feel that I lack mental strength, discipline, that I'm not responsible enough, that I don't provide nor care about others enough.
• I wondered if I wasn't bisexual in the past because I noticed that some guys were good-looking and also because I attracted some transgender women and homosexual guys previously. Overall, I don't think I'm bisexual, but just that I have a bigger feminine side than average guys.
• I had a few interactions with the opposite sex that I'm not proud of:
  • When I was 13, I remember staring at a girl's ass while she was bending. One of her guy friends saw me and told her: "Hey, Raphael is checking your ass". She responded with disgust. It made me feel ashamed.
  • When I was 20, I went to a nightclub and started to dance behind a girl, I was very close to her. My dick was very close to her ass. It didn't look like it annoyed her, but I'm sure that it was the case even though she didn't express it. I feel like I have been a creep.
  • I was exercising at a gym when I was 20 and a lady (maybe in her 50 - 60) came close to me to ask me if I could move some weights for her. I don't know wtf happened but I kissed her on her cheek. This is how we say hello in France, however, this is not something that we usually do in this context. I don't know what happened but even if this woman was old, I felt attracted to her. She felt feminine and she also reminded me of my mom. She was surprised when I kissed her and responded with a little "Oh!", then I responded "Hello" and explained that I do "la bise" (a French word which means kissing someone's cheek to say hello). I didn't understand why I did what I did just after that. I felt ashamed, I felt like a creep.

Biggest Regrets

• Not taking school more seriously: This one is my #1 biggest regret. I wasn't a bad student, I was most of the time a bit above average without putting in that much work (except around 17 - 18 where I was the top student). I feel that if I just did some efforts I could have easily been a top student most of the of time, but I never felt that much supported and my parent's never really supervised me that much. School gives an advantage in life and by taking it seriously we learn how to learn and how to solve problems. However, at the same time, I was also aware of the trap of school and good grades. I knew that life was way more complex than just good grades so I educated myself on things that I was interested in aside from school. Because of that, I can now enjoy a comfortable situation where I don't have to work that much to make money to survive.
• Dismissing friendships and intimate relationships: Because of the bullying, I started to become very emotionally closed and distance myself from people at 14 - 15. Something felt wrong for me, it felt like people always want relationships but always fight with each other, so I decided to avoid that. I now regret that because a few good friends and a healthy intimate relationship can help someone grow.

[Raphael]

The Stupidest Thing That I Did

The stupidest thing that I did was when I was 19 or maybe just turned 20. I was consuming personal development content and Leo's videos for more than a year and I had the opportunity to do a speech in an amphitheater in English. I was super excited as I loved public speaking and because I had so many new ideas from personal development.

So... I did a motivational/idealist speech ala Tony Robbins which explains how everyone is a slave of its mind and who puts forward idealist stage Green values to create peace in the world and who demonize capitalism and religions. I basically explained how we could change the world by just changing our minds and... by meditating every day for just 20 minutes! Lol. I even did a 3 - 5 minutes guided meditation at the end to show people how good they can feel by just meditating a bit and calming the mind. Oh God, I cringe as I'm writing this. That was just so fucking dumb, I'm cringing so much.

In the end, I'll say that most people liked the presentation because they applauded a lot. Some people gave me positive feedback and told me that it was awesome. My teacher told me that she was impressed by the quality of the presentation and two other teachers came to me to ask me some questions. However, I also noticed that some people were laughing and that others were nonreactive, looked annoyed, even some friends. It bugged me when I noticed that and I started to think: "Why are they reacting that way? Don't everyone agree with me that religion is bullshit, that capitalism is destroying the world and that we can change everything by changing our mindset?". I think that it was the first time that I got a hint of stage Yellow and of how multi-perspectival the world is.

Overall, I'll say that even if my public speaking abilities were really good and the presentation was good I was a complete fool. I tried to push a mix of stage Orange/Green values on everyone which explains some of the reactions. It looked similar to what Greta Thunberg did here:

 

[Raphael]

@Raphael I forgive you for being so dumb! Everyone is dumb from time to time, it happens, it's fine.

[Raphael]

1 minute ago, Raphael said:

@Raphael I forgive you for being so dumb! Everyone is dumb from time to time, it happens, it's fine.

Thank you, thank you. I appreciate

[Raphael]

Racism in the US

Even though I did see some racism while growing up I think that I never realized how big it was in the US and in this world before joining this forum. As most people here are from the US, I started to get more interested in the politics there without going too deep. Also, the Trump mandate blew me away. I couldn't understand how something like this was possible before learning more about Spiral Dynamics.

One thing that I noticed about people from the US is that someone's race is inserted in a lot of sentences even when it doesn't matter. It's like a way of living there. It's quite interesting.