Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

On 12/16/2020 at 8:26 PM, Raphael said:

I need to be honest about my social anxiety.

I have social anxiety.

Why?

Where is it coming from? What caused it?

How does it manifest? What blockages is it creating in my life?

[Raphael]

My mind has been insane for more than a week now.

I have been experiencing very fast thoughts that changes very quickly. I almost didn't sleep in more than 7 days straight. It feels like my brain is working at a supersonic speed, but at the same time this is too much to handle the zigzags on the road.

[Raphael]

A Promised Land, by Barack Obama

Barack Obama has always been a huge inspiration for me. I would love to read his book, sadly, I will probably not have enough time next year as I will focus on more practical things. Link: https://www.amazon.com/Promised-Land-Barack-Obama/dp/1524763160

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In the stirring, highly anticipated first volume of his presidential memoirs, Barack Obama tells the story of his improbable odyssey from young man searching for his identity to leader of the free world, describing in strikingly personal detail both his political education and the landmark moments of the first term of his historic presidency—a time of dramatic transformation and turmoil.

Obama takes readers on a compelling journey from his earliest political aspirations to the pivotal Iowa caucus victory that demonstrated the power of grassroots activism to the watershed night of November 4, 2008, when he was elected 44th president of the United States, becoming the first African American to hold the nation’s highest office.

Reflecting on the presidency, he offers a unique and thoughtful exploration of both the awesome reach and the limits of presidential power, as well as singular insights into the dynamics of U.S. partisan politics and international diplomacy. Obama brings readers inside the Oval Office and the White House Situation Room, and to Moscow, Cairo, Beijing, and points beyond. We are privy to his thoughts as he assembles his cabinet, wrestles with a global financial crisis, takes the measure of Vladimir Putin, overcomes seemingly insurmountable odds to secure passage of the Affordable Care Act, clashes with generals about U.S. strategy in Afghanistan, tackles Wall Street reform, responds to the devastating Deepwater Horizon blowout, and authorizes Operation Neptune’s Spear, which leads to the death of Osama bin Laden.

A Promised Land is extraordinarily intimate and introspective—the story of one man’s bet with history, the faith of a community organizer tested on the world stage. Obama is candid about the balancing act of running for office as a Black American, bearing the expectations of a generation buoyed by messages of “hope and change,” and meeting the moral challenges of high-stakes decision-making. He is frank about the forces that opposed him at home and abroad, open about how living in the White House affected his wife and daughters, and unafraid to reveal self-doubt and disappointment. Yet he never wavers from his belief that inside the great, ongoing American experiment, progress is always possible.

This beautifully written and powerful book captures Barack Obama’s conviction that democracy is not a gift from on high but something founded on empathy and common understanding and built together, day by day.

[Raphael]

KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid

Quote

The KISS principle states that most systems work best if they are kept simple rather than made complicated; therefore, simplicity should be a key goal in design, and unnecessary complexity should be avoided.

https://www.wikiwand.com/en/KISS_principle

I love this principle. I have been applying it to my life more and more since five years by minimalism it and removing unnecessary stuff. It doesn't mean to avoid complexities and not live to the fullest, but just mean to keep things as simple as possible and handle complexity only when needed.

[Raphael]

On 12/20/2020 at 0:13 PM, Raphael said:

I have social anxiety.

Why?

Where is it coming from? What caused it?

How does it manifest? What blockages is it creating in my life?

I'm afraid to share about this on this place because I want to look like a saint.

[Raphael]

Just now, Raphael said:

I'm afraid to share about this on this place because I want to look like a saint.

Why? Why are you afraid to share about you? What's keeping you from sharing? Why do you want to protect your ego and continue to look like a good person?

[Raphael]

36 minutes ago, Raphael said:

Why? Why are you afraid to share about you? What's keeping you from sharing? Why do you want to protect your ego and continue to look like a good person?

This is really tough right now. I feel a lot of resistance and emotional blockages.

[Raphael]

1 minute ago, Raphael said:

This is really tough right now. I feel a lot of resistance and emotional blockages.

C'mon, just do it. Let all the shit get out of you.

[Raphael]

On 12/20/2020 at 0:13 PM, Raphael said:

Why?

Where is it coming from? What caused it?

How does it manifest? What blockages is it creating in my life?

I'm afraid of self-assertiveness because my culture taught me to be submissive to the authority and be a "good" boy.

[Raphael]

I feel like my need for success is not fulfilled yet.

[Raphael]

This is incredible.

 

[Raphael]

I can't stop thinking about spiral dynamics all day. This shit is stuck in my head.

[Raphael]

On 1/15/2020 at 10:50 AM, Raphael said:

What 2020 Is Going To Be About

This year is going to be about mostly three things:

• Financial Independence: Freelance web development and if I have enough time I will also start some web application projects. I need to build up discipline and a more organized work system to be successful here.
• Strengthening Spiritual Practices: I'm going to continue to do 1 hour of meditation per day and I'm also envisaging to start a Krya Yoga practice. When I'll start Yoga I will probably alternate my days with meditation/yoga.
• Health And Fitness: I'm going to continue to go to the gym, but I think I'm going to change my workout. I would also like to start a stretching routine as my body is stiff. I will maybe switch my diet to a vegetarian one, but I'm not sure for the moment.

 

This year was a failure, but I did some progress overall.

[Raphael]

Overview Of The Last Five Years: 2016 - 2020

• 2016: Existential Crisis
  I started to meditate during this year, but my solitude was so high and I felt so out of the place in France that I had my first existential crisis. My entire world collapsed and my selfish dreams with it, I realized that the reason I wanted to become a successful rich and powerful entrepreneur was to take my revenge on life against many people who treated me badly in the past. I was angry and wanted to become someone of power to be able to dominate other people. I fell in a deep depression when I realized how selfish I was. I also had this year my first spiritual experience who scared the shit out of me, I felt like I was dying, I wasn't feeling I was looking at myself in the mirror, but just at another human being.
• 2017: Recovery, Another Experience Abroad, And Fall Again
  The existential crisis continued at the beginning of the year, but I wanted to evolve and notably become more social. My university had an agreement with another university in the UK to exchange eight students for an internship and I chose to be part of it. As we didn't have a lot of money, we choose to live together in the same house. We had some trouble, but we sorted that out. I worked closely with a local researcher/teacher and a student. I improved my English a lot through practicing, I also for the first time went to nightclubs. I felt good in my group, I was doing things differently, but they accepted myself and I liked it. I was happy during this internship. After that, I went back to France, got my degree and got back to Mauritius where I found another internship. When I got back I realized the psychological gap between people in Europe and people in my native country. I felt like a foreigner in my own native country and many people thought the same. I got bullied a lot in my workplace and I realized how closed-minded people are, they didn't accept any kind of difference. I quitted after three months were I should have stayed at least one year.
• 2018: Deepest Depression So Far
  I got back to my parent's house after quitting my job last year and fall into a very deep depression. I was very angry at the world and at my dad in particular. I found another job in another company a little far away from my home, so I had to take the bus and spent 3 hours in public transports every day. I was waking up at 4:30 AM, going to the gym, preparing myself, taking the bus from 6:30 - 7:00 AM and I was back home at 6:00 PM. I also wanted to create my own business, so I started to work in the bus, at night, and during the weekend. At a moment the pressure and all the negative emotions were so high that I exploded and experienced my first panic attacks. Some months after that I chose to live my family house to go live in the same city where I worked to stay away from my dad and stop losing time in public transport. I had some more panic attacks in my little apartment, but find out that I needed to accept an love myself otherwise it would have killed me. Due to my lack of knowledge and experience, the business I was working on collapsed. However, I started to feel better at the end of the year by accepting myself and letting go of the past. I even had some moments of extase where I was blown away by reality.
• 2019: Resurrection
  I choose to let go and accept everything during this year, I started to love myself a lot more and accept the unconsciousness of my country. I started to understand a lot of things who pushed me more into stage green/yellow. I felt better and better, happier and happier. I didn't do a lot of things during this year, but I recovered a lot from past traumas. I quit my job and went live back in my family house again, I accepted my dad and its impulsiveness, I started loving things that I never loved before and I started a freelance web development business. I pushed my meditation habit to 1 hour per day, and I felt happier than I've ever been in my life.
• 2020: Getting Started in the Business World
  This first year of freelancing have been really rough. I underestimated my self-esteem issues and how rough the business world could be. My personal issues caused me to make ridiculously low amount of money. I finally found some light at the end of the tunnel when I started to get more quality clients and made a first acceptable amount of money last month. I feel better and more assertive than last year as I move further and further away from shitty work environments and shitty co-workers where my role would be to shut up, submit to the authority, and do the work. However, I still have some thoughts about the past that come back again and again. I failed in all my resolutions for this year, but I grew up anyway.

Edited January 2, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

What 2021 Is Going To Be About

This year is going to be about mostly three things:

• Business: Continue to work on financial independence by doing freelancing and working on a web application.
• Strengthening Spiritual Practices: I'm will continue doing 1 hour of meditation per day and will start a Krya Yoga practice. When I'll start Yoga I will alternate my days with meditation/yoga.
• Self-Esteem: I'm going to start to do some serious work on my self-esteem issues soon. I will start a new practical journal to track my progress this month.

[Raphael]

2021 Books

I will try to read at least these books this year:

• The Millionaire Fastlane: Crack the Code to Wealth and Live Rich for a Lifetime
• Thick Face, Black Heart: The Warrior Philosophy for Conquering the Challenges of Business and Life
• Kriya Secrets Revealed: Complete Lessons and Techniques
• The Secret Power Of Kriya Yoga: Revealing the Fastest Path to Enlightenment. How Fusing Bhakti & Jnana Yoga into Kriya will Unleash the most Powerful Yoga Ever (Real Yoga)
• Psycho-Cybernetics, A New Way to Get More Living Out of Life
• Shadow Dance: Liberating The Power And Creativity Of Your Dark Side
• Spiral Dynamics: Mastering Values, Leadership and Change

[Raphael]

Where I Am On The Spiral

• Red (5%): I have a small red kernel and I sometimes have some hateful thoughts about the world and people. My thinking patterns are a little too impulsives.
• Blue (10%): I'm still too concerned about people's opinions of me, I lack self-esteem and I'm too shy. My integration of blue is not completed, I have progress to do on discipline and organization
• Orange (45%): I'm still in the business phase of my life. Making profit, sustaining myself, and becoming rich is my current priority.
• Green (30%): I made a lot of progress in green this year. I have more compassion, more empathy, and more respect for people emotions.
• Yellow (10%): I always try to look at things from multiple perspectives, I can see many connections, and I'm aware of many paradoxes and the their necessity. I still have some sense of superiority where I consider that I'm more intelligent than most people and that there's no need to interact with them because they will not understand me anyway. I'm currently very isolated.
• Turquoise (0%): Not there yet

[Raphael]

Parenting Parents

I feel like I've outgrown my parents and most people that I met in my entire life (older or younger) in the domain of awareness of psychological/emotional patterns. I can see clearly how many of them fail and what are the psychological patterns in place. Having this kind of awareness makes me feel lonely, I never met someone like me in real life. Only a few people that I met were much more conscious than the average mass without knowing with certitude how conscious they were.

[Raphael]

Every day I'm blown away by how underdeveloped the world is, how ignorant 99% of people are, and how many projections, assumptions, unconscious connections are made.

[Raphael]

The Goal

The goal is true, not winning. If I have to lose who I think I am and all my selfish ideas to get to the truth, I will lose. This apply to all domains of life.