Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

My thoughts are making me feel shame, but this is also linked to my emotional chemistry.

Thoughts create emotions, but emotions also create thoughts who create emotions. This is a strange loop.

Edited November 25, 2020 by Raphael

[Raphael]

How to stop the shame?

[Raphael]

1 minute ago, Raphael said:

How to stop the shame?

1. Relax
2. Get into the present moment
3. Feel it
4. Fully feel the shame
5. Allow it
6. Observe with curiosity
7. Allow it
8. Do nothing

[Raphael]

4 minutes ago, Raphael said:

How to stop the shame?

Accept it unconditionally. These imperfections are perfectly designed.

[Raphael]

5 minutes ago, Raphael said:

How to stop the shame?

Just cry.

[Raphael]

Unleashing Dirtiness

This journal is going to get more dirty. One thing that I noticed is that I'm trying to present myself as a "good" person on this forum to please my ego. To really grow I need to break my ego defences and boundaries, and therefore share more about my vulnerabilities, things that I'm not proud of, aka deep dirty aspects about myself.

[Raphael]

Disgusts of Lower Stages

I noticed that I have a disgusts for people who are at lower stages of development. By lower stages I mean everyone below high orange/green, but sometimes I'm also annoyed by high orange/green. Many times I find these people dumb as fuck (which they are in some sense), and I'm also arrogant and condescending towards them.

[Raphael]

Just now, Raphael said:

Disgusts of Lower Stages

I noticed that I have a disgusts for people who are at lower stages of development. By lower stages I mean everyone below high orange/green, but sometimes I'm also annoyed by high orange/green. Many times I find these people dumb as fuck (which they are in some sense), and I'm also arrogant and condescending towards them.

Why?

And also, let's be honest, it feels way better to accept them, show compassion and empathy than being arrogant and condescending.

[Raphael]

Sleep

The quality of my entire life is dependant on the quality of my sleep. I need to find a solution for my sleep problems.

[Raphael]

Trapped Emotions

Something's trapped inside me. I can feel it from my belly to my chest. It's an accumulation of past traumas, and it wants to go out.

[Raphael]

Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art

This looks like an interesting book. I had a lot of insights on breathing recently and I feel like it can correct a lot of issues with many people. Link: https://www.amazon.com/Breath-New-Science-Lost-Art/dp/0735213615/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=deep+work&qid=1606891388&sr=8-3

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No matter what you eat, how much you exercise, how skinny or young or wise you are, none of it matters if you’re not breathing properly.

There is nothing more essential to our health and well-being than breathing: take air in, let it out, repeat twenty-five thousand times a day. Yet, as a species, humans have lost the ability to breathe correctly, with grave consequences.

Journalist James Nestor travels the world to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. The answers aren’t found in pulmonology labs, as we might expect, but in the muddy digs of ancient burial sites, secret Soviet facilities, New Jersey choir schools, and the smoggy streets of São Paulo. Nestor tracks down men and women exploring the hidden science behind ancient breathing practices like Pranayama, Sudarshan Kriya, and Tummo and teams up with pulmonary tinkerers to scientifically test long-held beliefs about how we breathe.

Modern research is showing us that making even slight adjustments to the way we inhale and exhale can jump-start athletic performance; rejuvenate internal organs; halt snoring, asthma, and autoimmune disease; and even straighten scoliotic spines. None of this should be possible, and yet it is.

Drawing on thousands of years of medical texts and recent cutting-edge studies in pulmonology, psychology, biochemistry, and human physiology, Breath turns the conventional wisdom of what we thought we knew about our most basic biological function on its head. You will never breathe the same again.

Edited December 2, 2020 by Raphael

[Raphael]

About Fixing Ourselves

We like to observe and analyze people, we like to criticize them and we want to fix them because we see everything wrong with them, but we aren't willing to even look at ourselves.

[Raphael]

The new neighbours looks fuck up.

Sometimes I hear kids getting slapped, sometimes parents insulting kids. My mom told me that she heard someone say: "Next time I will hang you by the feet and slap you!". Looks like a fucked narcissistic family.

Why are these people so fucked up? And even when they are fucked up, many of them are not even trying to improve anything. That's incomprehensible for me because even though I was fucked and I'm still fucked up in some ways I want to improve to become the best human being that I can.

[Raphael]

There's nothing to do except playing the game of life.

[Raphael]

Nobody thinks independently. Everybody is dependant on the maturity of the system he/she grow up in and its encounters.

[Raphael]

A Taste of Enlightenment

I'm not sure if this is what I think it is, but it looks like it. For maybe 1 - 2 months I started to see and feel something that is literally everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It is here, just in front of my eyes, and here in me and outside me. But, the problem is that I'm not able to put a word on it. The more I try to describe it, the less true it sounds, even the word "enlightenment" sounds false. Multiple times my mind started to run into circles until it breaks down, shut up so that I'm able to perceive this thing for what it truly is. That's only temporarily for now (just a few seconds, at best 10 seconds), but it looks like a good beginning.

[Raphael]

I have no choice, but to work and go through the mess that I created.

[Raphael]

If I really want to get where I want to go, I need to make these fucking efforts. And I will do it, and I will self-sacrifice all these petty habits and fears to get there.

[Raphael]

It seems like basic stage orange self-help is what I need the most.

[Raphael]

I need to be honest about my social anxiety.