Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

Too much pressure

I really put too much stress and pressure on myself currently. This is not helping me and I feel how it hit my productivity. I also have some burning feeling in my stomach because of this.

[Raphael]

My emotions change so quickly

It's incredible how fast my emotional state can change. I was very stressed for the last few days and had burning feelings in my chest, then this morning I felt incredibly blissful, but now I'm stressed again and have these burning feelings because I did some shit online to another person's business.

[Raphael]

Hell on earth: My Dad's life

My dad just turns 68 today, 68 of an extremely chaotic life. I remember some years ago when I felt like my life was shit when I was depressed when I wanted to kill myself. All of this is nothing compared to my dad's life, the way he lived, especially when he was young is what we can qualify as hell on earth.

My dad was born in a very poor family. He lived with his siblings in straw houses and sheet metal houses, they didn't have their own room, they were all sleeping together on the ground because they were too poor to afford a bed. They were living with insects crawling on their body when they were sleeping, they had to hold the walls of their house when they were some bad weather or a storm because it was so fragile. My dad didn't even have a lot of clothes when he was a kid, he told me he went to school naked sometimes. I don't know if it's true, I personally have many doubts about this. He started to do hard physical work at a very young age, he was cutting sugar canes in the fields at the age of 10 - 12. His dad was an alcoholic who abused him, he was also beating him and his siblings. You think your life is hard? Think twice.

This really poor childhood reverberated on his entire life. I saw him angry almost every week, I saw him humiliating people, humiliating my mom, humiliating me. I saw him throwing a knife at my mom when I was a kid. I saw him being extremely aggressive and fearful, I saw his negativity, his irrationality, his extreme reactions. I saw his fear of not having enough money every time I was with him. I rarely got kind words from him or high conscious love, but I got a lot of humiliations, critics, anger, and restrictions. I almost wasn't beaten, but I found the few times it happened was very unfair.

I also absorbed some of his neuroticism, his negativity, his criticism, his fear of people. I only started to transform myself 4 - 5 years ago without being very serious about it, but even with that, I still changed a lot. Spiritual work is incredible and so damn powerful.

So today I was with my dad in the kitchen and I tell him: "Happy Birthday". It was awkward, his reaction wasn't exceptional, but I still told the man that I hated most of my life "Happy Birthday". It's far better than where I was less than 2 years ago, where I had panic attacks thinking about him, and where I was so hateful that I even wanted to kill him.

I'm more accepting my dad now, and I'm accepting that he did the best he can with what he had.

[Raphael]

Still Burning

I'm still having those burning feelings in my chest, but now it's also a little in my shoulders. I'm currently discussing with a potential client and I'm stressing myself because of this. Bootstrapping a business is hard, but I'm sure I will gain the ability to handle stress in business.

Leo's video "How To Deal With Strong Negative Emotions" will help.

 

[Raphael]

Discovering What's Truth

Leo's video "How To Discover What's True - A Deep Inquiry" is much more complex than I expected. Most of the time I understand his content logically pretty well, but I had some trouble for this one. I was also a little sleepy and not very focused while listening to it, so it surely played on my understanding.

Overall, I really enjoyed the content and was surprised by its practicality. This episode is currently one of the best in my opinion.

 

Edited November 9, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Indoctrinated By Stage Blue

After spending two years with stage blue communities, I feel like I got a little indoctrinated by them. I feel like I take more care of good manners, where I would not give a fuck in the past about using kind words. I also feel like I'm a little more afraid to speak up and a little uncomfortable when someone points out what's not working properly, where I would often notice what's wrong in the past and try to improve it.

I need to be careful and more conscious when spending time in those communities. If I don't and just consider that we are all equals (which is the case in the absolute sense, but not relatively speaking), I will unconsciously let them bring me down to their level of consciousness.

[Raphael]

Silent Happiness, Noisy Madness

I recently noticed that when I'm really happy I don't feel so many needs: no needs to share stuff, to blame others, to want people to know me, to go back to my addictions, to distract myself with bullshit. I can just sit and enjoy life without caring about anything.

Whereas unhappiness is noisy because I need so many useless things: people appreciation, porn, movies, video games, the need to feel superior, the need to blame, etc. All of this costs a lot of energy, doesn't help me, and attracts a lot of shit.

When we are happy we are aligned with the universe and we easily flow with everything around us. I need to make happiness my priority in life.

[Raphael]

Lack Of Consistency

My lack of consistency is hurting my work and results. I have concentration issues, my organization is messy, and procrastination is a huge problem. I need to fix that seriously and as soon as possible. My next practical journal will be about work, organization, and becoming a result maker. I'm planning to start it in the next 2 - 4 months.

[Raphael]

Thoughts And Emotions Are Tools

I'm currently arriving at a level of consciousness where I can see that emotions and thoughts can be used as tools to go through life. In fact, from a certain level of consciousness, it becomes possible to activate and deactivate them when needed according to our life circumstances.

As an example, if someone has a great vision he/she can mix thoughts with love (one of the most powerful emotions) to attain a purpose. Thought specifies a direction and love creates motion.

At this moment, I'm not able to do this powerfully, but I have a grasp of the potential.

[Raphael]

A Little Of Red

I feel like I have a little of stage red inside me, maybe 1 - 2%. It's not toxic, but I can see it appearing when I'm confronted with very difficult people. What's important is that I have control over it, even if sometimes it can be difficult.

[Raphael]

Feeling What's True, Feeling What's False

I always had an intuition concerning what's true and false. When someone tells me something or when I do something, I can feel if it's true or false. Does that mean that I always follow my intuition? No. In fact, most of the time I don't and I had many true intuitions in the past, but that didn't help me because I was too scared to follow them. That's another thing that I can improve in myself.

[Raphael]

Do What's Necessary And You Will Do Everything That Needs To Be Done In Your Life

I had the insight today that only a few things are needed in someone's life to be happy, which are: healthy food and water, a house/shelter, physical security, physical activity, and spiritual practice. All the rest are distractions. If someone has its physical needs covered and a hardcore spiritual practice, then he/she will be fine in almost all situations. Of course, it doesn't mean that the person cannot explore other things in life, but he/she will not be attached to it, so there will be no complaint with restrictions, but only contentment.

[Raphael]

Better Than I Thought

I realized a few days ago that I'm doing better in life than most people. Growing up as a kid, I was very anxious and depressed most of the time, I thought I was poor, that I had a bad family, a bad dad, that I was uglier and dumber than other people. I don't know why, but I attracted a lot of criticism and negativity from other kids and my family. I was the calm and shy kid who would get bullied without any reason.

I understand now better how other people are reactive and insecure, they do all this stuff because they are uncomfortable with people being comfortable in solitude and silence. Of course, I also had and still have my issues, and I'm still reactive against some things, but I'm currently far better than I have ever been.

I'm not living this stage orange materialistic life that many people of my age want to live, it doesn't attract me. I live simply with my family, I have healthy food, clean water, internet access, a gym membership, and a lot of alone time. I still need a few things, but the essential is here, and I'm satisfied with it.

Most people are more fucked up than I am, they are always concerned about their social status, about getting material stuff, where I don't care that much.

In summary, life is good and has never been that good before for me.

Edited December 24, 2019 by Raphael

[Raptorsin7]

@Raphael That's awesome to hear Raph. Most people in their early 20s are concerned with the wrong stuff. I think you got it right with the path you're on.

[Raphael]

37 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Raphael That's awesome to hear Raph. Most people in their early 20s are concerned with the wrong stuff. I think you got it right with the path you're on.

Thanks, bro. Your always here to bring positivity and encouragement to people 

[Amandine]

On 24/12/2019 at 8:38 AM, Raphael said:

Thanks, bro. Your always here to bring positivity and encouragement to people 

I second that.   

[Raphael]

Overview Of The Last Five Years: 2015 - 2019

• 2015: Graduation And New Discoveries
  I graduated from high school as the first of my section. I felt at the top of the world, but at the same time, I felt that it was superficial and didn't matter at all. After graduation, I choose to study in France, my mom accompanied me until Paris, after that I took the train alone by myself, an 18-year-old kid in an almost unknown country. I discovered in depth what a first-world country looks like, discovered the cold, and for the first time in my life met (at first glance) like-minded people. It was the first time that I lived by myself, I felt extremely lonely at the beginning. At the end of the year, I discovered actualized.org by entering "Fuck Society" on youtube, the first video that I watch was "30 Ways Society Fucks You In The Ass"
• 2016: Existential Crisis
  I started to meditate during this year, but my solitude was so high and I felt so out of the place in France that I had my first existential crisis. My entire world collapsed and my selfish dreams with it, I realized that the reason I wanted to become a successful rich and powerful entrepreneur was to take my revenge on life against many people who treated me badly in the past. I was angry and wanted to become someone of power to be able to dominate other people. I fell in a deep depression when I realized how selfish I was. I also had this year my first spiritual experience who scared the shit out of me, I felt like I was dying, I wasn't feeling I was looking at myself in the mirror, but just at another human being.
• 2017: Recovery, Another Experience Abroad, And Fall Again
  The existential crisis continued at the beginning of the year, but I wanted to evolve and notably become more social. My university had an agreement with another university in the UK to exchange eight students for an internship and I chose to be part of it. As we didn't have a lot of money, we choose to live together in the same house. We had some trouble, but we sorted that out. I worked closely with a local researcher/teacher and a student. I improved my English a lot through practicing, I also for the first time went to nightclubs. I felt good in my group, I was doing things differently, but they accepted myself and I liked it. I was happy during this internship. After that, I went back to France, got my degree and got back to Mauritius where I found another internship. When I got back I realized the psychological gap between people in Europe and people in my native country. I felt like a foreigner in my own native country and many people thought the same. I got bullied a lot in my workplace and I realized how closed-minded people are, they didn't accept any kind of difference. I quitted after three months were I should have stayed at least one year.
• 2018: Deepest Depression So Far
  I got back to my parent's house after quitting my job last year and fall into a very deep depression. I was very angry at the world and at my dad in particular. I found another job in another company a little far away from my home, so I had to take the bus and spent 3 hours in public transports every day. I was waking up at 4:30 AM, going to the gym, preparing myself, taking the bus from 6:30 - 7:00 AM and I was back home at 6:00 PM. I also wanted to create my own business, so I started to work in the bus, at night, and during the weekend. At a moment the pressure and all the negative emotions were so high that I exploded and experienced my first panic attacks. Some months after that I chose to live my family house to go live in the same city where I worked to stay away from my dad and stop losing time in public transport. I had some more panic attacks in my little apartment, but find out that I needed to accept an love myself otherwise it would have killed me. Due to my lack of knowledge and experience, the business I was working on collapsed. However, I started to feel better at the end of the year by accepting myself and letting go of the past. I even had some moments of extase where I was blown away by reality.
• 2019: Resurrection
  I choose to let go and accept everything during this year, I started to love myself a lot more and accept the unconsciousness of my country. I started to understand a lot of things who pushed me more into stage green/yellow. I felt better and better, happier and happier. I didn't do a lot of things during this year, but I recovered a lot from past traumas. I quit my job and went live back in my family house again, I accepted my dad and its impulsiveness, I started loving things that I never loved before and I started a freelance web development business. I pushed my meditation habit to 1 hour per day, and I felt happier than I've ever been in my life.

[Raptorsin7]

@Raphael Awesome job man. Good luck in the new year

[Raphael]

@Raptorsin7

Thanks as usual! 

[Raphael]

Where I Am On The Spiral

• Red (5%): I have some elements of red inside of me. I didn't put it here before, but I'm more conscious now and I can see it when it's coming out. It's not really bad as I'm in control of it and that part of myself of too small to take over. I never scream at people or get outraged, but at the same time, I feel like I lack a proper integration of this stage.
• Blue (10%): I'm at the same level as before here, I also lack a proper integration of this stage as I'm quite messy, lazy, and undisciplined. I'm still too concerned about people's opinions of me.
• Orange (55%): I'm currently starting up the business phase of my life, I'm discovering a lot of stuff, but I'm not very successful for the moment. I have trouble to deal with clients, I accept too many abusive conditions because I want to get started fast, but it always backfires on me and I don't get paid a lot.
• Green (20%): I'm a little less green than I originally thought. I still think that all people are equals, but at the same time we all have different living conditions and different psychologies, so in the absolute sense we are all equals, but from the human being perspective, we all have a lot of differences that need to be taken into consideration when dealing with people. I'm now meditating 1 hour per day, but I never tried psychedelics and I don't envisage doing it before at least 2 - 3 years. I still think that businesses need to work in a conscious manner that is respectful of the environment, people, and other living species. I continue to eat pretty healthy most of the time.
• Yellow (10%): I'm more nuanced than ever in my life and I always try to look at things from different perspectives. I also have more emotional mastery than before and I try to understand and be more compassionate towards other people. However, paradoxically I think I have a sense of superiority where I consider that I'm more intelligent than most people and that there's no need to interact with them because they will not understand me anyway. I'm currently very isolated.
• Turquoise (0%): Not there yet

Edited January 15, 2020 by Raphael