Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

MY JOB IS KILLING ME

I need to get out as soon as possible. I learned a lot about ego and low conscious behavior, but it's getting too toxic. I cannot even share my opinion without getting judged by people higher in the hierarchy or being accused of defying them. All theses ego and clashes are making me sick, it's time to move.

[Raphael]

NEEDINESS

Nothing happens when being needy, the more I'm needy, the more I distance myself from the things I want. The more conscious I am, the closer I am from what I want.

[Raphael]

A NATIONALITY/SOCIAL GROUP IS MUCH MORE THAN SOME PAPERS OR IDEAS

I went back to my native country after spending two years in France and four months in the UK. Back then I felt very different from other people as I not only adopted some different habits but I also developt different ideas, reactions, and body language movements. For the first year, most people actually thought I was from France, but after one year most of them see me as a native person again.

Main lesson: Nationalities/Social groups are highly complex as they shape people ideas, reactions, anxieties, limitations, body language, how they breathe, their level of consciousness, etc. The entire body and ability to deal with the world is shaped by it. It's extremely deep, far deeper than I ever expected.

[Raphael]

MY HARDEST ADDICTIONS

• Internet browsing
• New information
• Youtube
• Porn

As Leo said they all boils down to my fear of the void. However, they are not equals. I initially thought about putting them all into the same basket, but they are differences. I'm thinking mostly about porn addiction, this is much harder for me than the other addictions. I have a lot of trouble to avoid it when going back home, even though I succeeded sometimes.

Another thing I noted is that not only I'm using these addictions to fill myself, but I'm also using them to release dirty emotions trapped in my whole body. If I were empty from negative emotions I wouldn't have to do so as it would not be in my body.

I'm sure I also have subtle addictions, but for the moment I'm only noticing the hard ones.

[Raphael]

I REHASH THE PAST TOO MUCH

Many mistakes and bad experiences are still in my head. I'm not enough in the present and I'm not enough planning the future.

 

[Raphael]

SO MANY THOUGHTS

Sometimes they randomly go through my mind at a supersonic speed, I'm not even able to remember them. It's probably one form of ADHD, but I can still manage to do my work properly with some effort and proper focus. So, it's not so bad, but I have to work on it.

The fact that I'm working most of the time of a computer makes things more complicated. Even if I install tools like StayFocusd, I have a tendency to deactivate it and go do some research on random thoughts.

Edited August 6, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

THERE ARE MANY POSSIBLE WAYS OF DOING MANY POSSIBLE THINGS, YET SOME OF THEM ARE MORE EFFECTIVE AND LEAD TO BETTER RESULTS

Edited August 6, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

NOT A BADASS

I often want to be seeing as this badass dude who doesn't care, doesn't need any help from anybody, and miraculously accomplish anything faster and better alone than any other group of people. The reality is that it's not the case, except on very few occasions where it works.

Even if I'm a highly individual and solitary person, I cannot live without a minimum of interaction with other people. I need emotional support many times, I'm not strong/conscious enough to be able to go through hard challenges only by myself. It will be easier with better consciousness, which is going to come as I continue to meditate, train my mind and body. But for the moment I'm grateful for the people who helped me and encouraged me in tough times, they were not a lot of them, but it's still something. Thank you mom, dad, little sister, and others.

[Raphael]

THE INTERDEPENDENCE OF LIFE

Quote

We start life as a completely dependent person, then we evolve to independence, then to interdependence.

- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen Covey

Life is interdependent, it's consciousness interacting with itself, being completely independent by itself, and being dependent on itself. This is the only thing and this quote is, in my opinion, a good way to grow. I have to properly interact with all the facets of life to successfully grow as a human being or as consciousness.

P-S: The quote isn't probably what's actually written in the book, but the idea is here.

[Zigzag Idiot]

I like the quote and am enjoying your Journal. 

Ive yet to research about your home country. Sounds interesting!

Thanks!

[Raphael]

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you!

[Raphael]

AN ADDICTIVE EVENING

When I went back from work yesterday, I told myself I was going to shower, meditate, eat, prepare food for tomorrow and get shit done. However, I started to have pornographic images in my mind, so I opened my computer and start watching porn. It lasts for about an hour. After ejaculating, I told myself that this is enough and decided to take my shower.

I was then supposed to prepare some food and eat but went back to my computer and start watching video game-related stuff on youtube. I didn't play any video game seriously in the past 4-5 years, but I still do some research and watch videos sometimes. I was very impressed by the advanced graphics and physics available today but disgusted by the crunch culture and the fact that some employees are working 100h/week to deliver this kind of results.

All of this last until almost 11 PM when I told myself that it was enough. I didn't even have the courage to prepare food and eat, nor to meditate. I just went to sleep feeling crappy and dirty.

I had worst episodes then this one and things like this doesn't happen very often, but still happen sometimes. But at the same time, I usually watch porn after work and resisting it only makes things worst.

I have to try to accept it and observe myself instead, I feel like it's going to help me more.

[Raphael]

I'M ADDICTED WHEN I'M NOT HAPPY, WHEN I'M HAPPY I'M MOTIVATED AND DO WHAT'S NEEDED TO SELF-ACTUALIZED.

[Raphael]

"TRY TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONALITY"

I was speaking with an old man at the gym last Friday. I told him I was going to quit my job and change city pretty soon, then he told me: "After moving, try to change your personality".

I was speechless, I didn't understand what happened. I was feeling really great just before, almost in a flow state, I have always been polite and respectful to him and the coach, I also always put my weights back to their place, and I always say good morning and goodbye. So what's wrong with me? He told me: "You are too shy and shy people get dominated". Whaaaaaaaaaaat? We exchange ideas sometimes, not all the time, but it's still better than many guys who come, don't even say hello and train without saying anything. I also don't go to the gym to speak all the time, but to train, and my time is limited as I need to go to work after that.

To get back on the shyness issue. I actually have been shy most of my life and after reflecting I'm probably shyer (and more kind) than two years ago as I got bullied in some environments and felt oppressed many times. So... yes, I'm shy, and my level of shyness vary depending on the environment and the people, but at the same time when I want to speak up, I speak up. I currently don't usually talk to gossip, but only talk for things I consider important. Which is dumb, because nothing is really important in the end, it all depends on a relative context. I sometimes also have this INTP blank stare and maybe some people can find me fragile with some meaninglessness in my eyes.

- This is not me, but a picture I found on Google

[Raphael]

THE FRUSTRATION OF STAGE BLUE IS BACK

My stage blue manager lack nuances and is not able to see how some things are not related to the same context. It's difficult to respond to this dude as he speaks fast and in an authoritative style, he's not even present on the project most of the time, but assume things without knowing the details involved.

Sometimes I don't know how far I can push my explanations as I'm afraid of some people reactions. It will be maybe better if I communicate in more details my thoughts, try to push a little more and take responsibility for it. Anyway, the end is near, I will quit the company next month, I just need some courage until the end.

And of course, in the end, it's really me being frustrated of myself because I'm unable to deal with stage blue.

Main lesson: The frustration I feel is my own frustration that I project on some people because I'm unable to deal with, understand, and accept them.

[Raphael]

I'M USING MASTURBATION AS A TOOL TO RELEASE STRESS, ANXIETY, ANGER, AND OTHER NEGATIVE EMOTIONS.

[Raphael]

AFRAID TO SHARE

I'm afraid to share some of my dirtiest stuff here. On one hand, I feel more motivated to do personal development as my ego wants to feel good and show people that I'm better than anybody, on the other hand, I'm avoiding things that are deep inside me that could help me grow a lot if I accept and share them here.

[Raphael]

I HAVE SOME ANGER DEEP INSIDE ME.

[Raphael]

THIS IS SO INSPIRING

 

 

[Raphael]

I DISTRACT MYSELF FROM CHALLENGES BY RELYING ON ADDICTIONS

I noticed this many times in myself. When I'm working, and then a harder challenge arouse I try to avoid it by distracting me with internet, youtube, etc. I had a new client recently, convincing him to work with me was a challenge. Even though I succeeded, I quickly felt to urge to go masturbate after that. I'm still at the beginning of my freelancing business, I'm sure I will succeed, I feel competent and I have the needed skills. However, the beginning is always challenging and stressful.

Main lesson: I need to be aware of my addictions, this is homeostasis in action, my mind and body want to stay in their original state. My evolution has to be managed as smoothly as possible.