Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

1 minute ago, Raphael said:

I have been emotionally dumb most of my life. Opening up, sharing my vulnerabilities and struggles has always been the most difficult thing for me.

Open up Raphael, open up.

[Raphael]

The main problem that caused me to emotionally close off for the past 4 years has been my environment. I became very emotionally open when I was around 19 - 20, then had a spectacular backslash that dragged me down into hell. It retarded my growth. I would have been much more develop, mature, and wise if I didn't got into these environments. However, at the same time, I wouldn't have the understanding that I now have without these terrible environments...

Edited October 22, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Fix the base.

[Raphael]

1 minute ago, Raphael said:

Fix the base.

The base is me.

[Raphael]

I went to at least 3 therapists in my life:

• The first one was when I was 14. My main teacher asked me to see a therapist because she saw that I was always alone and was avoiding others. I went to the therapist, however it wasn't that much useful because I was unable to open up emotionally.
• The second one was when I was around 18 - 19 and it was really weird. I didn't felt comfortable and had a lot of issues opening up. She was always asking me the same simple questions, they were a lot of blanks. I thought that she would make me emotionally comfortable by talking to me more, reassuring me, but it didn't happen.
• The third therapist was when I was around 21 - 23 and it was pretty dissatisfying. She wasn't listening to me that much and was always asking the same questions even though I already answered them multiple times. She was quite closed-minded and even told me "You know some people don't even believe in God."

 

Edited October 22, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I really want to fix this once and for all this time cause otherwise I'll always experience some mood swings and have backslashes. If I cannot find an easily accessible quality therapist, I'll fix that myself.

Edited October 22, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

There's a serious issue in keeping a journal like this one.

[Raphael]

Dropping This Journal

3 hours ago, Raphael said:

There's a serious issue in keeping a journal like this one.

The issue with this journal is that it is too random and unfocused. Because of that, I'm not on track enough and it explains my stagnation.

They are many different facets to my personality and one of them is a hyper-analytical side. I don't display this hyper-analytical side on this forum most of the time, however, it does exist. I have been highly shamed for this hyper-analytical side in the past especially when I was around 20 - 22 where I over-used it and became too much perfectionist, after that, I switched to the polar opposite and become a complete mess. At a moment, this hyper-analytical side went too much to the extreme where it almost caused me a panic attack. However, this facet of my personality does exist and when it is activated it has the ability to very quickly and very effectively tackle any possible issue within my scope of realization.

I currently have a 1 hour journaling session (on paper) / do nothing habit before going to bed. My mind is often very chaotic so the thoughts that I have most of the time in my days are quite random and very creative. When I journal these thoughts are often random too but I can use this journaling session proactively. I want to spend more time to properly self-reflect about where I am in life, what I am doing, if I'm doing things properly, and if I'm on track and I can use this journaling session for that. Instead of writing random thoughts, I can write a list of points that I want to reflect on and then reflect deeply. That way my mind will be much more on track which will help my thoughts to mature, which will help to generate results, grow, and gain wisdom and maturity faster.

It will seem like work at first because of the chaotic nature of my mind and the fact that I consume too much random information, but after a point, it will be part of my psyche and become much more natural and effortless. It will be that way because I will have forced my mind to be more specific, in consequence, the thoughts will be more focused. It's possible to enlarge or reduce the scope of the mind: sometimes the scope has to be broad to gather a lot of information in order to make connections and see the big picture, sometimes it has to be focused in order to make things happen. My scope has been pretty broad for the past 2 years and thanks to that I now see the big picture, so now I have to reduce the scope, accept less information to attain my objectives. By journaling deeply and being healthily analytical I'll solidify my subconscious mind and therefore easily manifest what I want.

The last time that I had an intuition about dropping a journal I took months before doing it. I now know that when I have intuitions like this it will naturally happen at a point, so I'm going to act on it. I'll drop this journal soon and create a new journal where I'll have more self-reflective analytical thoughts that will allow me to program my subconscious mind, evolve faster, and manifest faster.

Edited October 22, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I just had a quick conversation with my mom that disturbed me. I asked the question: "Mom, do you consider me agreeable or disagreeable?". It went like this:

• Me: "Do you consider me agreeable or disagreeable?"
• My mom: "Well... yes, well.. it depends, you don't smile a lot. You are a bit closed like your dad."
• Me: "What do you mean?"
• My mom: "Well... for example in my case I am an agreeable person, I do things for others. When I'm doing something and some people interrupt me and ask me to do something for them, I do it. This is what is it means to be agreeable."
• Me: "What???"
• My mom: "..."
• Me: "Well... Ok. This is Ok to do things for others, but sometimes this is too much. We cannot let others interrupt us all the time because otherwise we cannot do our own things and cannot move forward in life"
• My mom: "Hum... Yes, sometimes we need to have time to do our own thing."

When the discussion ended, I noticed some tears in her eyes and a bit of sadness in her voice.

I triggered something in her. I realized that my mom was a complete people pleaser without any boundaries which explains why she stayed with my dad for more than 25 years even though my dad was often emotionally abusive towards her (and it also explains why I struggled with similar issues in my life). She has been afraid her entire life of being seen as bad, of being seen as an uncaring woman and because of that she stayed with a toxic man who ruined her life. She lack enormous self-esteem, confidence, and assertiveness.

The relationship of my parents always blow me away because of how radically oppositional they are:

• My mom is a tiny skinny very feminine women where my dad is a tall, hypermasculine, strong, muscular, dominant man.
• My mom is a very agreeable and caring person where my dad is a very aggressive non-caring man who don't hesitate to confront anyone and/or verbally insults people.
• My mom is tolerant and accepting, my dad has zero tolerance.
• My mom is slow, my dad is impulsive.
• My mom is organized, my dad has zero organization

I think that their relationship explain why I got so much disrespected while growing up. I was kind but at the same time unkind. I was agreeable but at the same time confrontational. I have been organized, but I also have been a complete mess. My psyche is sliced in two parts that are very oppositional and reuniting them together, making them work together is challenging.

 

Edited October 23, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

My self-esteem is improving, my confidence is improving, my assertiveness is improving, my discipline is improving, my organization is improving, my openness is improving.

It feels like my entire system is rebooting and getting back to its peak.

[Raphael]

I'm currently solidifying my core.

I prematurely entered Turquoise this year which explains why my posts were very quick insightful existential posts for at least half of the year. It's easy to access deep existential insights, the only thing to do is to self-isolate in a cave. If it comes from the ego it's a way to skip life, a way to avoid responsibility, a way to avoid ourselves. Many sages have dysfunctions that make them unable to cope with life challenges, in consequence, they avoid life by getting into spirituality.

[Raphael]

Even though everything is getting together in my life, there's a part of me who feels dumb. I feel so fucking dumb, I feel so fucking retarded.

I feel dumb because I know everything that I should have done, but I didn't and procrastinated:

• I should have set a proper organization system way earlier. I wasn't disorganized, but I just kept everything in my mind and overloaded my brain. Things would have been much easier if took my time years ago to configure a note-taking app.
• I should have learned to strategize and plan better way earlier. Again, it's not that I didn't strategize, I started to strategize my life as soon as 15. I had a vision and I knew the general steps to take, however, I kept too many things in my brain. I should have written things in a note-taking app to manifest my vision faster.
• I should have tracked myself better.
• I should have tried to build a social circle earlier, but I guess that my social anxiety and distrust of people cause me to dismiss that.
• I should have tried to get involved in dating way earlier, but again my social anxiety and insecurities didn't help me.

And now, everything is happening at the same time:

• I recently built an organization system that works for me.
• I did some research and watched some videos on how to plan personal development.
• I'm starting to track my progress.
• I'm changing environment and getting into an environment that is at advanced stage Orange/Green where I can meet people that I resonate with and start building a social circle. I'll push myself out of my comfort zone and talk to everyone.
• My finances are getting better and better. I will soon be earning more money than I was earning two years ago in a company setting while only working 3 days per week. I'm also launching my app.
• I'm on track with my life purpose and know where I'm going. I know the education and experiences that I need. I'll take the Life Purpose Course next year to refine things.
• I did another application to get my learner license so that I can learn how to drive. Every time that I tried in the past, an unexpected event happened that caused a delay. I hope everything will work out this time.
• Maybe a girlfriend will even pop out of nowhere lol.

Oh god, I feel so retarded, I feel so dumb. Maybe the reason why I feel that I am an impostor is that I am one after all...

Maybe if I didn't get myself into these terrible environments when I was around 20 - 22, I would have grown much faster and set these things up. However, if I didn't get into these environments I wouldn't have discovered emotional healing which is now allowing me to heal from my childhood traumas...

I have never been officially diagnosed with ADHD, but my guess is that I have it. My mind has always been chaotic and some bad influences contributed to that. It happened to me that I couldn't even hear people talking because I was so much in my head lol.

Anyway, I'm happy and relieved that finally, everything is getting together.

Edited October 23, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I seriously feel incredibly dumb, incredibly retarded, I feel like a total impostor. I'm not as advanced that I thought I was. I am way behind where I thought I was... and this is Ok.

I want to be kinder towards myself, accept myself more, and love myself more.

Edited October 23, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

If I compare to years ago, I overall have a healthier relationship with personal development and I want to continue improve that. The vibe that I got many times from Leo in the past is that personal development is work, it's always: WORK, WORK, WORK, YOU HAVE TO WORK cause otherwise you'll waste your life. Alright Leo, alright Leo, alright, alright. Calm down a bit Leo, calm down, things are gonna a be Ok...

There's no need to see personal development as an oppressive fear-based thing to do. Personal development can be enjoyable and is enjoyable.

[Raphael]

Quote

Stop working on yourself. Start relating to yourself

Matt Kahn

[Raphael]

 

[Raphael]

@Raphael

I see what you have been doing and what you are doing. I'm aware of what happened and what is happening.

I want you to know that I understand you, I feel you, it's Ok. It's perfectly fine to feel that way sometimes. This is what makes us human, we are imperfect beings. I know that you are becoming aware too and I know that you will be able to overcome these challenges. I understand you, I accept you, and I deeply love you.

[Raphael]

@Raphael I forgive you.

[Raphael]

Goodbye everyone.