Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

Can't sleep again...

[Myioko]

I'm really sorry your sleep has been bad, I hate it when that happens. Are you the type who has a hard time falling asleep or wakes up too early? (Also have you been getting a bit of exercise and fresh air daily and putting away electronics before you go to bed? Even though those might just scratch the surface of getting better sleep it does tend to help.)

[Raphael]

32 minutes ago, Myioko said:

I'm really sorry your sleep has been bad, I hate it when that happens. Are you the type who has a hard time falling asleep or wakes up too early? (Also have you been getting a bit of exercise and fresh air daily and putting away electronics before you go to bed? Even though those might just scratch the surface of getting better sleep it does tend to help.)

I had sleeping problems since I was a kid, maybe since 6 - 8 years old. I often had a lot of difficulties falling asleep because my mind can become very overactive. I also have a trauma related to sleep.

Currently, I'm experiencing some changes in my life and I feel a bit agitated and stressed. I'm also experiencing some digestive issues that are contributing to a low quality of sleep. These digestive issues are generally related to stress and me eating too quickly and therefore not masticating food enough. I didn't exercise this week so I have an excess of energy into me but I went for a walk as everyday. I don't use any electronics before going to bed (I do the best that I can), however, I journaled about some things which I'm currently thinking about.

Generally, I either journal or do nothing before going to bed. When I journal, I either journal random things that doesn't necessitate any efforts or put more efforts into it. However, when I put too much efforts into journaling it feels like I'm not relaxing and therefore over working which have an impact on my sleep because I need to calm down before going to bed.

So... to summarize I'm currently experiencing sleeping problems because: changes are happening in my life + I have some digestive issues + I didn't exercise this week + I did too much efforts before going to bed by journaling and therefore didn't relax properly

What do you do when you can't sleep?

Edited October 16, 2021 by Raphael

[Raptorsin7]

10 hours ago, Raphael said:

I can teach the basis and some structures that will repeat often in this field. However, depending on the need of the project some structures can become very complex. Technologies also change very often even though patterns are repeating so to become good someone has to develop a lot of mental flexibility and to do that he/she will have to learn to think very critically to get at an high level.

I'll say that it can take 3 to 5 years to become very good and it entails enormous research, frustrations, and the willingness to develop personal projects.

Ahh okay. Thanks

[Myioko]

7 hours ago, Raphael said:

Generally, I either journal or do nothing before going to bed. When I journal, I either journal random things that doesn't necessitate any efforts or put more efforts into it.

That sounds pretty good (besides the too much effort/non relaxation journaling like you said) 

I'm not the best when it comes to try falling asleep, (the best thing that helped for me was raising my moods, not having anxious or excited thoughts at night, not oversleeping, and getting rid of most of my fear of not being able to fall asleep, etc. But it's not like I can exactly control that.) I'll allow myself to have my iphone near me often because I think I've trained my brain to fall asleep listening to audiobooks in the past year, which isn't the best thing to do but I've accepted it at the moment. Or I'll read a book, imagine a story in my head like I'm making up a movie, or walk around/dance to music if I have too much energy. 

[Raphael]

1 hour ago, Myioko said:

Fear of not being able to fall asleep.

Haha. I had this too. I have been afraid of not sleeping in the past which created unnecessary thoughts about not sleeping which caused me to not sleep properly lol.

1 hour ago, Myioko said:

I'll allow myself to have my iphone near me often because I think I've trained my brain to fall asleep listening to audiobooks in the past year, which isn't the best thing to do but I've accepted it at the moment. Or I'll read a book, imagine a story in my head like I'm making up a movie, or walk around/dance to music if I have too much energy. 

I personally have to be very careful about my information intake especially before going to bed. I know that if I consume too much information, my mind will start to get crazy.

Edited October 17, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Where I Am, How I Feel

I have been reflecting a bit about where I am in life and if I should assess myself using models or not. I noticed some residues from the past that are corrupting my view but also some trues that I have been experiencing:

• I have much more difficulty assessing myself using models compared to before. This is a feeling that has been increasing since a few months now.
• I found myself living more between the paradox of knowing and not knowing.
• In recent days, I have been experiencing a bit more states of being a complete observer. I have been much more aware of my actions, thoughts, and emotions.
• I have been experiencing more clarity of mind.
• I had a sleepless night recently where I experienced what I think we can call an ego-death experience. It wasn't the first time that I experienced that, but it's always the same thing when it happens. What happens is that I feel that I'm losing my ego but it feels extremely scary and when it happen I reassure myself by repeating my identity like this: "Ok. It's Ok. I'm Raphael, I was born on March 27, 1997. I exist, I exist.". When these moments happen, Raphael feels more and more illusory and it's very frightening to experience. I choose to let go only one time in the past and I experienced no-mind for a few minutes and felt very light.
• I have some stage Blue shadows related to organization and discipline.
• I feel some stage Orange shadows within me that originates from a toxic phase that I had when I was 20 - mid 21. I have some unresolved traumas here.
• Some parts of me feel very developed, some essential parts feel under-developed.
• There's a part of me that feels retarded.

About Assessing Myself and Being at a Level of Personal Development

I noticed a pattern within me: when I have an insecurity about something I always have a denial and projection phase followed by a phase where I put myself as being above others which end up by admitting to myself that I'm actually below.

This pattern appeared recently when I was reading posts about psychological models on this forum. These three phases happened:

1. I denied myself.
2. I made some posts where I claimed that I was transcending models and knowledge. A tiny side of me does feel that way, but most of my psyche is far away from being there.
3. I'm currently admitting that I'm not as advanced as I portrait myself and that I have issues.

If I'm honest with myself, I felt a pretty huge insecurity when reading these posts where people were assessing themselves. It's pretty ironic that after people use these models to assets themselves I make a post to explain that I'm having more and more difficulties using models and that a part of me is transcending knowledge.

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I can relate with many of these stages except the most advanced ones (Turquoise, The Unitive) but I feel less than before that I have a certain center of gravity. I feel a bit everywhere.

...

What does a model really mean in the end? Isn't it just a set of information that backed by a web of information feels like it means something? If in a language, words define other words, which then define other words, which then define other words... then a model doesn't mean anything. Assuming that all knowledge is imperfect, the question "Why should I trust a model?" is arising, however, at the same time, I'm conscious that models are useful and are helping me grow because in the relative context I'm a human being who use tools just like other human beings.

...

I feel more and more that the map is not the territory. I feel that I am in the middle of the paradox that the map is not the territory but is useful anyway. Things feel a bit chaotic and uncertain even though I can use imperfect models to orient myself.

...

No matter how much I assess myself, it will always be incorrect, infinitely distant from who I am, and not represent me.

Anyone with a minimum of intelligence is conscious of that and they are many intelligent people on this forum. I perfectly knew that but regurgitated obvious truths that Leo already mentioned in his videos. My ego felt insecure.

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Rejecting models can come from below and come from above. From below the ego is trying to convince itself that it is better and doesn't need models. From above, it is a recognition that models are useful but limited and shouldn't be taken too seriously.

...

I feel that my ego is trying to trick me. He wants to show himself as being above models by dismissing how useful models can be.

This is coming from below because I felt it. I felt some fear while reading these threads, I felt a sense of competition within me. I wanted to put myself as above because these posts triggered my insecurities.

I am not transcending models and knowledge, it's quite the opposite actually: I am not using models properly and I am not consuming and applying knowledge properly. I consumed a lot of knowledge since the last 6 years mostly from Leo, but haven't enough walk the talk. I haven't been taking properly calibrated actions. I tried to show myself as being better than others on this forum by mostly staying in the journal section and creating "practical" journals. Now... things aren't black and white here because I did take actions and grew and these journals reveal that... but I'm ashamed of one particular journal: Let's get practical #2: Deep Work & Organization . I created this journal for two reasons: 1) I was mentally unstable and had to track myself to not spiral down in despair. 2) An ego in expiration, more precisely a stage Orange neurotic ego who wanted to brag as he was exhausting himself. I didn't work properly on improving my organization and discipline, I just pushed through things like a mule without a proper organization system.

Here's the main distasteful truth that I am admitting to myself: my approach to personal development lack structure, organization, planning, and seriousness which is why I'm currently taking some coaching to improve all that. I haven't planned and prioritized properly my personal growth and I feel some deep shame because of that. I could have grown much faster if I had a proper structure and was more conscientious. Some people have told me in the past that I was a very organized, conscientious, and disciplined person, and yes I had some periods like that, however, this is far away from how I have been most of my life where I had to be serious. Most of this is just an image. I'm alone most of the time, the part of me that people see is a very tiny part of who I am. I'm a very private person and my private life is very chaotic, much more chaotic than I can appear to be.

I did personal development in a neurotic way for years. I had issues in my mind and if I would think about them I would try to fix them, if wouldn't think about them I wouldn't fix them. I lacked a serious organization, I didn't use models and knowledge properly, I have been neurotic. I lacked intention and direction and therefore got much lower results than I would have got if I did that.

The advantage of a chaotic life is that it makes someone very creative, original, and surprising. The disadvantage is that basic practical goals and long-term goals become difficult to attain. I would already have a successful business that would generate more than 10000 $ / month if I was more conscientious. I would have already fixed my issues regarding dating if I was more conscientious. I would have already been much more comfortable with people if I was more conscientious and accepted to follow my intuition. I would also have much better confidence, self-esteem, assertiveness, and boundaries if my approach to personal development was more conscientious.

I'm not as advanced as I thought and it hurts my ego. I might be at Yellow intellectually, but some essential elements at Red, Blue, Orange, and Green have to be worked on. There's a part of me who feels retarded... like... really retarded. This is why I feel dumb and smart at the same time. I feel smart because I know that I have all the capacities inside me and because when I start to do things everything gets fixed very quickly. I feel dumb because I lacked organization, planning, because I didn't prioritized properly, didn't track myself properly, and didn't do things more seriously.

But it's never too late and I'm currently improving all that.

About My Stage Blue and Stage Orange Shadows

Let's go back years and years ago when I was between 17 - 22.

During these years I taped into multiple ego development stages:

• The Achiever: I seriously taped into the Achiever two times in the past. I taped into it when I was 17 - 18 which allowed me to graduate as the top student, then taped into it when I was 20 - 21 where it went toxic and where I almost killed myself.
• The Pluralist: I've always been a bit in the pluralist because I was exposed to multiple cultures pretty early but I went deeper into it around mid 18 when I had an existential crisis, started to question everything and entered a nihilist phase.
• The Pluralist: I've always been a bit in the pluralist because I was exposed to multiple cultures pretty early but I went deeper into it around mid 18 when I had an existential crisis, started to question everything, and entered a nihilist phase.

After my nihilist phase around mid 18 - mid 19, I wanted to sort my life out and started to work on the base: stage Blue and stage Orange. I started to become much more concerned about organization, discipline, and productivity... and I encountered a lot of resistance from my external environment + I had some traumas related to work because of my dad.

When I was 20, I had an internship in the UK for a few months so I was living there and... shared the same house with 7 other guys. We were all living together because of a lack of resources. I remember that I was the only guy who was trying to sort his life... but got shamed for it. I was shamed for being organized, disciplined, for taking care of my health, for not letting myself "live life". It was a bit painful to deal with but at the same time, I refused to listen to the other guys because these guys were disasters: they weren't taking their internship seriously, they had completely irregular schedules, they weren't taking care of their health and were eating garbage food, and they were spending a lot of their free time playing video games (I'm not saying that's wrong but if someone spends most of his/her free time like this, this is an issue). I grew a lot from this experience but I had a bitter taste in my mouth.

After that, I entered the job market and encountered resistance again. I got made fun of for being disciplined and for being organized especially because the culture around me isn't that much organized compared to the culture in Europe or North America or some Asian countries (China, Japan, etc.). People criticized me for being on time, for being too much work-oriented, some people told me things like: "Why do things have to be so much clean, so much organized?". They were a bit of truth in these criticisms to be honest because I was a bit too much in the extreme. I became very perfectionistic around 20 - 21 and picked on small insignificant details and was critical of others. I had a pretty low self-esteem, these criticisms hurt me and I reacted against them by being even more perfectionistic. I got very strong reactions from one particular manager where this manager was himself one of the most disciplined, organized, perfectionist, and stubborn person that I met. I hated this guy because of how close-minded he was and I hated him as I hated myself and because of that developed some shadows related to organization and discipline. During this period I was also dealing with traumas related to my dad. My dad was always obsessed with work but in a neurotic disorganized way, he criticized me enormously for not working as hard as him. I knew that he was working dumb, but even if I knew that I absorbed a bit of his neuroticism and become obsessed with work to a point where the trauma exploded as panic attacks. A lot of this work trauma got released during this period, but I still have some of it into me. After this phase, I basically become disgusted by notions such as discipline and organization and became a complete disorganized mess, but then started to switch to a healthier place.

I often time asked myself in the past if something was wrong with me for doing what I was doing, if something was wrong for being organized, disciplined, for taking care of my health, for not drinking alcohol nor smoking, for meditating, for trying to sort out my life, for trying to find my purpose. I felt that way because nobody of my age was doing this around me (and it's still the same thing now), I felt like an alien. After a point where I hesitated a lot, I wanted to experience what it was like to be like other guys: I became a light asshole and started to not care about anybody and throw out anger and bitterness and was disrespectful of authority especially when an authority wouldn't agree with me... and it didn't go well because nobody likes assholes. Being an asshole is useful in some situations, but living life entirely like this doesn't work.

So was I wrong for doing what I was doing and trying to sort out the basics of life? No. No, I wasn't wrong for being organized. No, I wasn't wrong for being disciplined. No, I wasn't wrong for taking my health seriously. However, I did take things too much to the extreme and did judge people who weren't like me and I think that it explained why I experienced so much resistance. This is also why I exploded when I was 21 and got traumatized by aspects of stage Blue and Orange: organization, discipline, work, productivity, etc. Because of that my integration of these lower stages isn't complete and I have to go back to them.

This is what I'm doing now. I recently started to build an organization system using Notion and honestly, it was pretty easy, I just procrastinated my entire life before doing it. In just a few hours I created a healthily organization system that works for me. Same thing for my work ethic, I'm currently developing a much better work ethic and starting to work in a much more conscientious way, in a way that is much more balanced and much smarter.

To help my recovery from work traumas, I recently choose to change my priorities regarding healing: I was working on body-image issues, but I'm going to prioritize work-related traumas now. This is the basic, by sorting out my work-related traumas I will be able to have a much healthier relationship with work and it will be easier for me to fix my issues.

Things take time for me, things take time, but I'm getting there. I'm doing the best that I can.

So Where Am I ?

From the Spiral Dynamics lens my higher self is at Yellow with even some very tiny elements of Turquoise and from the 9 Stages of Ego Development lens my higher self is at The Strategist with a few tiny elements of The Construct Aware.

What to improve from a Spiral Dynamics perspective:

• Red: I have work to do on assertiveness and taking faster actions.
• Blue & Orange: I'm currently improving my organization and this is already working much better for me, I will continue doing tweaks here and there in the future. I'm getting to a healthier place regarding my relationship with work. I still have to work on my discipline. I'm currently doing some research on how to plan better, strategize and make action plans. I think I will be able to get to a healthy place here before the end of this year because I already have been very productive and organized at some periods of my life. I just have to clear my work-related traumas, tap back into it and refine it so that it is healthy. I also have to let go of the part of me who wants to compete with others.
• Green: I have to work on being more open and vulnerable, take time to listen more to people, emphasize more with them, give support. I have to work on my relationships and being a bit more people-oriented. I also have work to do when it comes to dating, attracting women, and creating an intimate relationship.
• Yellow: My intellect is there but when I'll integrate much better the previous stages, I'll get deeper and deeper into it.

I have a lot of hesitation to put myself at a center of gravity. In a sense I can say that I'm Yellow because I have a long-term vision, see things from different perspectives, try to be as objective as possible (even though my biases may take over) but at the same time I have things to solidify at previous stages. In another sense I can say that I'm Green because I do some meditation, breathwork, and healing work (even though I'm still a newbie when it comes to healing) but at the same time I didn't think that much about climate change in recent years because of life circumstances. In business, I can put myself at Orange/Green, but I still have difficulties putting myself at a center of gravity and I think the reason behind that is because I have things to solidify at Red/Blue/Orange/Green. When everything will be solidified, I'll put myself at mostly Yellow because this is what Yellow is. Solid Yellow is the integration of all previous stages so that at any time an individual can activate a "mode" and adapt depending on the situation + it's about have complex non-biased thinking, knowing how to create meaning, and much more.

What to improve from a 9 Stages of Ego Development perspective:

• Conformist: I have some progress to care less about what people think of me.
• Expert: I have a bit of progress to do on doing the right thing. I may have some tiny shadows here when it comes to accepting other people's ways of doing things. I have some feeling of competitiveness to let go here.
• Achiever: I currently have to tap again into it because of business necessities. I have to learn to trust people better when it comes to getting things done. I have to learn to let go of this small feeling of wanting to do things fast and achieving enough.
• Pluralist: I'm a bit of a dreamer many times, so it needs to be improved. I currently have to self-analyze myself more to heal my traumas. I also have some inner conflicts many times.
• Strategist: I have progress to do when it comes to emphasizing with others, tolerating their difficulties, and helping others grow. I have to "walk to talk" more.

Again, I also have difficulties putting myself at a center of gravity for the same reasons that I expressed with Spiral Dynamics. In a sense I can say that I am at the Strategist because I'm making a lot of changes and strategizing for a long-term vision. I have an overall view of the things that I need to work on at lower stages and I know some steps that I will have to take in the future. I'm conscious of the complexity that it entails and for that I'm currently changing my life system. I can see through the layers of thoughts and emotions, and I'm developing better and better emotional mastery. However, I have things to solidify from other stages so things aren't that easy.

I think that I experienced some shame when I saw people assessing themselves because I still haven't fully integrated lower SD stages or lower Ego Development Stages, but this is normal actually. It's very rare to be solid Yellow or to be a solid Strategist, most of the time even if someone is at Yellow or at The Strategist he/she will still not be perfect and have things that can be improved by taping into lower stages.

Edited October 17, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

It can be a bit dehumanizing to label people as Red, Blue, Orange, or Green.

[Raphael]

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I'm 50 years old and I hope that my wisdom might help someone, even just one person and it will be worth it. You are young now and it feels like being part of a group or being "popular" is important. You think that if you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend you have failed. I urge you to spend your lonely years, your single years getting to know the most important person you will ever meet.....yourself. You will live with yourself forever and If you take the time to perfect who you are, to love who you are then you will be rich in ways others cant dream of for the rest of your life. In time after you have perfected who you are and you gain a certain quiet wisdom about life and your soul, you will attract others, you will be seen, you will not be invisible. Do not give up! use every day as a gift to sharpen the sword that is your soul, to become a master of your own life. Good luck young ones...be calm, patient and resolute in all you do and you will own what will be your world.

 

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At 39 years old I am learning the most valuable thing in life is being good to myself. Loving myself and being accepting of myself. Being comfortable in my own skin. Know that you are loved simply because you love yourself. Finding someone is such a beautiful experience but its even better when they are sharing not creating or molding you. Take time to travel outside of your comfort zone ( safely) take a few mins to just stop look inhale and release... Enjoy this journey , your journey.

These Youtube comments are coming at the right time and are exactly what I needed. Read them here.

[Raphael]

About Having A Quality Education

• Having a quality education is under appreciated.
• The meaning of a quality education is difficult to grasp.
• What someone has to do to have a quality education is unexpected and difficult to envision.
• Having a quality education requires luck, intuition, massive experience, massive knowledge, and atypical life circumstances.

[Raphael]

I don't know how I'm doing this, but shit is currently happening in my life.

[Raphael]

2022 is going to be busy, very busy.

I thought about going to a therapist to help me sort some issues, but I don't know if I'll get enough time. Also, my previous experiences with therapists weren't that great. I have a bias that tells me that it's impossible to find a high-quality therapist where I live, but I know that this is inaccurate. Maybe I'll try online therapy... but I'm not sure cause it's always better to be with someone in the same room to get emotional support.

Edited October 18, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Fucked Skin Color Ideals and Beauty Standards

• My white mom told my brown aunt that she would like to be brown like her.
• My brown aunt told my white mom that she would like to be white like her.
• When my dad married my mom, some people were jealous of him because he married a white woman.
• When I was spending time in France in the past, many people told me that they didn't like their white skin but wanted to be black.
• When I was spending time in France in the past, some people admired the beauty of my brown skin sister. Someone even told her that she should be a model and compete for Miss France. However, she randomly got called a bitch one day while walking in the street.
• Some white girls admired the beauty of my brown sister.
• The parents of one of my sister's friends told her to use skin whitening products to have a lighter skin. This is quite ironic considering the fact that my sister has always been admired for her colored beauty.
• When I was in France, some people labeled me as Black, Indian, or Middle Eastern and made fun of me. I often got questioned on my origins, many people there asked me "What are your origins?". I also got some subtle racism from some white people.
• When I started to work in my native country, the first thing that some people did before even knowing me was to label me white. I can get questioned in my native country on my origins and made fun of too in the past. I got labeled as a white rich person where I was just average in the past. I got some racism from people of color too.
• Growing up, I got highly criticized, insulted, and morally bullied by guys (and some girls too) for being skinny, but now many girls find me physically attractive. I also had guys been jealous of me in the past because of my body and guys implying that I should get a lot of girls because of my physical appearance.

I personally live in between worlds and I think that it has been one of the key reasons why I never formed a strong identity. I always knew that something wasn't right there. People always projected a lot on me and I couldn't explain to them how wrong they were because of how much attached most of them are to a culture. I became highly observant and skeptical very early and tried to be as careful as I could be in order to keep an overview of how things interrelate together. This has been one of the main reasons of my personal growth.

Moral of the story:

• The best attitude is to not take these things too personally.
• When we will all be 80 years old grandpas and grandmas, we won't care anyway and we will laugh at how insecure we were when we were younger.
• It's still important to spread awareness on these issues and talk about them so that: 1) we create better functioning societies. 2) we improve the interconnection of cultures and improve our global unity. 3) we improve our mental health. 4) we spread love and become more loving to each other no matter our differences

Edited October 19, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Shit is happening. Shit is happening. I can see the big picture, I have an overview of everything. The pieces of the puzzle are starting to assemble. Everything is getting together, I can see it happening.

2022 is going to be my year.

[Raphael]

My shit is going to get together. It's going to happen as usual in a record time and at the last minute. At least 80% is going to be sorted out in just 1 year time. LOOOOOOOOOL.

[Raphael]

Making the Good Choice Between Two Good Choices

I recently got two really good part-time offers from two different people. The offers have identical conditions: I will work in a company 3 days per week and will be earning more money than I was earning when I was working 35+ hours per week in a company two years ago.

Here are the specificities of the offers:

• Offer 1: This offer is from someone who found me on the internet, he notably saw my profile on Upwork which gave him some reassurance. What he liked about my profile aside from the fact that I have the technical skills that he needs is that I am a bi-national person who speaks perfect French. Because of that I can do some presentations and have clear communication with the rest of the team in France. The project is related to Green energy and is the propriety of a big French energy company. I asked him if I would have the opportunity to learn more about Green energy aside from just doing some technical work on the app because that's what attracted me to this offer. He responded yes and told me that he learned stuff on wind turbines and solar power while doing his job. Aside from that, I didn't find anything particular about the application, it was a typical ugly management software like I worked on in the past.
• Offer 2: This one is from a childhood friend, I know him since I was at least 6 years old... and he is a very successful and highly inspiring person. He went to some of the best universities on the planet. He studied in Paris and also had an opportunity to study in the US where he spent some time at Standford. He also had the opportunity to go to Silicon Valley, meet inspiring people there and I suppose meet with some tech giants too. He was supposed to continue in the US, but Covid changed his plans... Anyway, now he is here and he has his own small tech startup with two part-time employees, and he has contracts with powerful organizations in the country including the government and the national airline. His vision is to create a big tech company that will produce SAAS apps of the same caliber that are produced in Silicon Valley contrary to other local companies that are offshore companies. A company like this can generate significant amount of money that can be invested to boost the development of the country and this is one of his objectives. What's funny about his vision is that I had a very similar vision ~5 years ago, but my vision has changed a lot since that. He will be the one that will implement this vision where my vision is broader and will integrate his vision. I'm currently putting him at advanced stage Orange/Green, he might even have a few Yellow traits but I highly doubt that he knows about the crazy stuff that we talk about on this forum. From what I saw so far, he probably still lives in the materialistic paradigm and believes in science and rationality but as long as it's healthy I consider that it's fine. I thought about introducing him to actualized.org but I won't because it would cause him an existential crisis that would make his success collapse and he is (like me) in a phase of life where we both need success. What's great with this friend is that we highly resonate together, we have similar thought processes, and similar ideas in domains where we relate.

After I got the two offers, I had to make a choice and this choice has been pretty quick. Considering the fact that I can get quick and easy access to the knowledge and methodology that is used by some of the most innovative companies on the planet and on top of that I can:

• Spend time with an inspiring person that I know since I was a kid and that I genuinely appreciate.
• Meet new people that I can resonate with.
• Build a social circle.
• Have the opportunity to meet more inspiring people.
• Get a good pay while at the same time having time to work on my project.
• Get help in my work and help in my life.
• Become much more professional in business and learn how to generate a significant amount of money to get completely financially independent and fuel my life purpose.

... I'm taking the opportunity to get back in touch with this friend and build a deeper relationship with him. If there is one relationship and one person who can help me be on track in life and achieve my dreams, it's this one.

Now... all of this is great but I still need to continue the healing and deconditioning/reconditioning work that I'm doing so that I don't have a backslash and don't get dragged back into hell as it happened previously. Doing this healing work is one of the most critical things to continue doing.

A lot of things are currently changing in my life and this is incredible.

[Raphael]

Even though this opportunity is great, my interest in tech has been getting down and getting down since the past 5 years. Tech isn't what interest me the most but I need it in some way to get to my life purpose.

What really interest me the most is interconnecting the globe, understanding how everything interconnects together: countries, cultures, ecosystems, technology, politics, science, religion, philosophy, spirituality, etc.

[Raphael]

The Puzzle Is Assembling

Everything is currently getting together in my life at the same time. The pieces of the puzzle are assembling and I can see it happening.

[Raphael]

@Raphael Honor yourself, do what's best for you.

[Raphael]

I have been emotionally dumb most of my life. Opening up, sharing my vulnerabilities and struggles has always been the most difficult thing for me.