Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

I have the capacity to solve any problem in the universe. I know that because this is what happens when I set an intention and do it, this is what happens when I trust myself and trust my intuition. Everything becomes effortless when I trust myself.

[Raphael]

I'm basically afraid of my power and my potential. I deeply know that I can transform myself and transform the world by setting an intention and starting doing it.

Edited October 3, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I'm a bit like a walking paradox. I feel paradoxical, my brain functions in a paradoxical way, and my thoughts are paradoxical.

[Raphael]

I feel that I can grow enormously by sharing high quality thoughts on this forum about issues that I have some familiarity with. I can get enormous value by going deep and giving very specific advises that clicks in someone's mind. Also, by helping people, I'm basically helping myself and growing.

I'll try to do a bit of that when I'll have some empty time.

Edited October 4, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Being a winner is all about attitude. Someone can have nothing in life and struggle enormously but still be a winner.

[Raphael]

For as long as I can remember I always felt weird. I feel like I was born weird.

I've just contemplated the following question: "What is wrong with me?". The answer that came to my mind is: "Nothing. I just convinced myself that something was wrong with me".

Edited October 4, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

23 minutes ago, Raphael said:

For as long as I can remember I always felt weird. I feel like I was born weird.

I've just contemplated the following question: "What is wrong with me?". The answer that came to my mind is: "Nothing. I just convinced myself that something was wrong with me".

I don't know what is happening, but after I had this insight I felt like my brain exploded. Something feels weird currently, like really weird.

[Raphael]

Ok. Things are getting back to normal.

This insight felt like a system shock. I literally felt it in my brain, especially in the left hemisphere. It felt like some parts of my brain were rearranging themselves and bleeding at the same time to handle this insight. My left arm also felt a bit numb at a moment.

Things are fine now.

[Raphael]

Yep, I'm not weird. I'm normal in my own way just like everyone is normal in their own ways.

[Raphael]

Anytime that I talk to someone, I just talk to myself. Any advice that I give is an advice that I give to myself which is why giving advice can be so powerful. By taking the time to think through stuff and giving quality advice, I'm helping myself and progressing in life if I then take actions of course.

[Raphael]

Many life purposes are about helping people that we wouldn't like to live with.

[Raphael]

We all gonna die in the end, and this is Ok.

[Raphael]

I'm Fine

After the realization that I had a screwed self-image, the realization that I wasn't weird but convinced myself that I was weird where I'm normal, here's now the realization that I'm fine.

Yep, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I lived my entire life thinking that something was wrong with me, but I'm fine, I'm fine. I just have strengths and weaknesses like everyone. My strengths might be a bit uncommon and unnoticeable many times which is why I can appear weird. On the outside I'm like the most normal person ever, I'm so normal that it's abnormal, so normal that's it's weird. But in the end, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Overall, I'm fine. I make enough money to sustain myself independently. I can work from anywhere on the planet as the only requirements that I have are a computer and a quality internet connection. I made some changes to my diet in the last two months and it solved the issues that I had. I've been finally finding a proper organization for myself so that my life can be healthily structured. I can be social with people who have a minimum of openmindedness. And I know overall the direction that I want my life to take for at least the next 5 years.

So... what is wrong with me? Nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. I'm perfectly normal in my own way, I'm perfectly fine.

I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine.

[Raphael]

Please... stop building things around me... my ears are dead... uuuh...

Edited October 9, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

There's still a bit of stage orange ego inside me. I noticed that there is still a part of me who wants to show himself and compete a bit.

[Raphael]

I still have a bit of difficulties when it comes to emotions, when it comes to giving emotional support to people and connecting with people. I can make some mistakes, create some misunderstanding, and weird social situations.

[Raphael]

Using The Actualized.org Forum For Maximum Personal Growth

I think that I under rated the value that I can get from participating consciously on this forum. I spent most of my time here journaling and reading the conversations and grew a lot from that. There is value into that but partipating consciously is another thing because it demands efforts.

I can improve many things by participating here like:

• Humour: I can crack some funny jokes that makes everyone laugh.
• Flirting: I can train my flirting skills, but I think that I won't do it that much because this is not a dating website and because I don't know how Leo and the moderation will react to that.
• Intellect and Intuition: I can write some high quality answers on challenging ideas. I can give multiperspectival Tier-2 solutions and develop my mind by doing that.
• Emotional support, compassion, empathy, agreableness, openness: I can give emotional support to people when they are going through difficult situations. I will be able to make more emotional connections like that and improve my emotional mastery.
• Assertiveness: this one is going to be a bit limited as assertivess is much better developed IRL, but I can still get some value in being assertive through written communication.

Now the limitation of doing this is that most interactions that I have with people here are only written communication so there will always be some distance between me and others. However, I still think that I can gain valuable experience and develop a lot while doing that. Also, the advantage with written communication is that I can go back to my posts, self-reflect and find ways to improve. When it comes to improving anything in life, I noticed that asking myself the question: "What can I improve?" will make my the quality of my thoughts improve. From this question I can try to find new ways of doing things, open myself to new information and experiences, and accelate the thought maturation process.

[Raphael]

I'm very complex and paradoxical, it's very difficult to figure me out.

Edited October 9, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I basically procrastinated life. It's often when the fire starts to burn and when I feel a sense of urgency that things happen for me. As usual, things are going that way:

Procrastination -> Procrastination (getting closer to the deadline) -> Procrastination (getting very close to the deadline) -> Procrastination (almost crossed the deadline) -> EXPLOSIVE SPIKE OF ENERGY WHERE I FIX EVERYTHING IN A RECORD TIME, GET BETTER RESULTS THAN 90% OF PEOPLE AND GET AHEAD IN LIFE

Lol.

[Raphael]

I'm Great

After the realization that I had a screwed self-image, the realization that I wasn't weird but convinced myself that I was weird where I'm normal, the realization that I was fine, here's now the realization that I'm great.

For how long am I going to deny it? For how long am I going to hide myself from myself? When will I finally accept to recognize it? I think that it's time, yeah, it's time.

Since I was a kid people labeled me as been highly intelligent. I wasn't exceptional at school most of the time but even if I wasn't exceptional people and teachers labeled me as being highly intelligent. Some people labeled me smart by barely knowing me and some people labeled me smart just by looking at my face. I had many experiences like this in my life:

• When I was maybe 13, I was eating at the school cafeteria and some girls came eating at the same table and labeled me smart. They said things like: "It's obvious that he is smart. He looks smart."
• When I was at a gym, a guy came to me and asked me: "You... you are good at school?". Well... no... I wasn't that good, but I think that he saw something else inside me, something that I didn't dare to recognize in me.
• When I was working in a company an older worker was basically afraid of me and told me: "You are intelligent you! Yeah, yeah... you can do this because you are intelligent."
• During my first Skype call with a client, the first thing that he told me before any courtesy was: "You look smart..."
• I have been taking some coaching recently and my coach told me: "You are very intelligent.". In my mind I was like: "Uh? What did he tell me that. I'm just working through my issues."

A few years ago when I was seeing a psychologist my sister told me that I should ask her to give me an IQ test. I ask why and she responded: "Because you look like the typical genius who is awkward and doesn't have friends.". I refused because the limitations of the IQ test were obvious to me. However, during one of the sessions with this psychologist, she shared the same thought with me and labeled me as highly intelligent. Besides that and even though I expressed some thoughts and emotions, I wasn't feeling that much comfortable with this psychologist. I was feeling a lot of closemindedness and was analyzing her during the sessions, I was able to see through her limitations and biases.

When I was 5 years old, I was sitting at a table with two friends, and one friend showed one of her hands and said: "This is my right hand". The other friend who was on the other side of the table disagreed and said: "No, this is not right, this is right" while showing her right hand. As they started to debate, I decided to intervene to solve the situation and said: "Hey, look. Yes, this is right and if you go to her place it will still be right. The difference is that we aren't in the same position, we aren't on the same side of the table but you are both showing your right hand.". I don't think that I was exceptional here, in fact, the teacher explained this previously so the difference is that I just remembered the lesson and applied it. I probably didn't have any thoughts about it when I was 5 years old but I may have intuited that this was the basis of all misunderstanding, all debates, and all conflicts in the world: two sides speaking about the same thing but being unable to understand that it is the same thing because of differences of perspectives. Two sides mirroring themselves without being conscious of it. As two kids who both have the same right hand but are unable to see it, we are all the same in the end but cannot see it because of life circumstances and different perspectives. I often found myself being the person in the middle, the person who observes people debating then comes after to explain each other perspectives. This is the oldest memory that I have where I felt ahead, I was 5 years old.

Some people from this forum told me that they were impressed by me and were admiring me... but I always saw myself as dumb. Ok, not just dumb to be honest, but also smart. This is the deep paradox that I cultivate within me: I feel incredibly dumb and incredibly smart at the same time. This is a weird feeling, but this is how I am.

I didn't know how to handle this feeling inside me while growing up. I didn't have the emotional maturity and I also have been impeached by life circumstances. I hidden my power, I have been afraid of it because I didn't know what to do about it. I think that it's time to recognize it, accept it, and use it.

I am an extremely aware, extremely intuitive, and extremely intelligent person. This is why I can't relate with most people, this is why I always felt disconnected from people of my age, this is why I always felt weird, and this is why I can easily turn any of my weaknesses into a strength. Yeah, I can improve anything that I want and solve any possible problem because I am designed to handle complexity. This is what motivates me.

Yeah, I am extremely aware, extremely intuitive, and extremely intelligent.

Edited October 12, 2021 by Raphael