Suffering, Awakening, Love, Enlightenment - My Story In A Nutshell

[pluto]

I was reading the last few comments of this topic "If You Want True Love, Stop Doing This One Thing"(Dating, Relationships, Sexuality) section started by Natasha and it triggered me to open up and write and release some of my story which ended up being very long so i thought it would be more appropriate to create my own topic. I suggest you watch the video and read the rest of the comments to better understand to how was this writing in reply to and created from.

Sorry my account seems to be blocked from posting pictures or links for some reason but this is the video that was posted in the topic.

I feel into this trap myself, possibly one of my greatest dips from the true path thus far. I realized soon after, possibly several months in, that this person is no longer the same person but has fallen out of "being" and back into "character mode" which i foresaw that this was not going to be harmonious for either of us unless we align as one again. I was deeply saddened by this realization because through meeting this person (at 21 years of age) i had finally learned the lesson i was missing in my spiritual development and finally had a true friend in my life which reminded me how to love in a way i had never loved ever since i was a young child when living with my mother and her loving family only, as my father was introduced later in my life at about age 5 in which was violent and abusive and completely robbed me of my childhood and my mother of her sanity and freedom. She also shutdown completely from her naturally loving nature from the constant abuse which lead me alone to the streets as i grew older.

Ever since i was 13 till age 18 i spent most of my time in the streets because my parents were always fighting and i never felt home or safe there. Even though where we lived was a poor and dangerous neighborhood, i found other friends and families which reminded me of something i couldn't quite put my finger on during those times but even then, i never truly had a true friend, i was constantly moving from house to house, friends to friends, family to family, school to school because everywhere i went i saw abuse, was abused and bullied most of the time.

I did go to school and live with my parents in general but it was usually just to go home to sleep and escape in the morning when i had nowhere else to go. School was also the same abuse and bullying everyday because i was one of the only few people not originally from the area so i was targeted my whole life for being different, weird and always had unorthodox ideas and talents no one really agreed with so as i grew more and more of my natural abilities and talents i had subconsciously shutdown more and more of my true self just to feel more home, to feel more love, to feel the need to fit in somewhere.

I basically lived on the streets most of the time during "school hours" with other friends who also had trouble with schooling and in all those years i only had one true friend who also struggled just as much as i did but he was always away because he was in a similar situation so he would frequently take trips between his house and his grandparents and uncles to escape the abuse at home or at school or the streets.

When he was not around, i was usually with a few others who were only there to abuse and lure me into paths i didn't really agree with but it was always better than going home to screaming, shouting, fighting, knives, broken household ect... that trauma was more than being bullied and beat up on the streets and forced into gangs and fights. At least there i felt some connection with others who were on a similar boat, home was like living with two dark shadows that hated each other.

Police were always around, a few towns away but they rarely felt welcome or safe to come to our neighborhood either, they were the most hated. Eventually they too grew power and eventually in the later years started to become more and more effective and things calmed down as families realized they could actually help them from their abusive situations, so over time more trust was gained and community grew.

Nevertheless, at age 17 after i got expelled from school for being absent too much and i had an awakening, it was only me, mother and sister at the time, father was in jail and later lived elsewhere and something was happening within me, i was spending more time at home and i was reading books, practicing things, healing the body, meditating, fasting and feeling safer and more myself than ever. I had learned more in 2 - 3 years being mostly with myself than all 10 - 12 years of schooling but don't get me wrong, i did enjoy school at the start, i was always top of my classes but they bore me to death, the method of teaching did not agree with my natural intelligence at all, this is also part why i was called weird and outcast from school and both teachers and students abused me because they thought, i thought, i was special when in reality i was just a damaged soul, a lost child who simply saw things differently than the accepted norm. I had an Osho-like rebellious nature about the whole system we live in not just school.

It was too easy, it was to primitive, too inefficient and restrictive for a child's imaginative mind, i felt as i was being controlled to learn but only to a certain point, when it came to truly learn and express my naturally abilities, i was shut down by this educational system which did not agree with my ways in which led me more and more away from school and instead i followed what made me feel happy because then i would truly feel i am experiencing life how its meant to be, i was given the freedom to explore, meet new people, learn new things not be forced into a time schedule and shocked in and out of my natural flow.

Long story short, Near the peak of my Awakening i met this wonderful being and fell in love, she was the best friend and clarity and comfort i had always been looking for in my life. She was exactly like me, weird, different, imaginative, creative and loved to do things that no one else did and she also had a similar path after i got to know her better but since i met her it felt like i already knew her all my life, i just did not see her until i was ready. This completely accelerated my awakening far beyond anything i had ever imagined, "love" was the missing link and i finally felt like home. I could barely remember but it connected me to part of myself and my life back when i was 0 - 5 years old before we moved to this country and met my father and lived where he lived.

I had become whole again, i was fully embodied in the child-like, infinitely intelligent energy and expressing myself fully, i was no longer in the same world, in the same frequency, in the same dimension, i was flowing like a dandelion seed, trusting the wind and natural flow of creation to take it where it needs to be. I saw past/present/future merge into one and all my so called "disorders" that the doctors and psychiatric/psychologists gave me vanished into nothingness, i was no longer the same person entirely. I had become the "true self", the self i was before the world got its hands on me and love was the answer and the cure to all life's problems and illusions.

I had realized i was always Enlightened but never "truly" present to notice it, as we all are. Now, as i started to foresee this disharmoniousness between i and the only person that i could completely be myself around and not be judged and finally found love that set me free, i was blinded by the illusion that the other person is the reason and was needed to be completely myself. We were both seeing eye to eye at one point, this was heaven for me, liberation, freedom but as i mentioned earlier, my best friend had suddenly ejected from "being" into "character mode" once again, fear was lingering through dimensions just waiting for me to fall back into its illusion as it anticipated very well.

I tried my absolute best, for years and years, my heart and soul to do everything we could possibly do to make things harmonious once again because to me, initially, everything had become so pure, so simple, so effortless, i was ready to run away and bloom with our lives, but she was always one foot in one foot out when it came to these kind of decisions which left me confused, how could she not see what i was seeing ever so clearly, we bloomed together?

If only we had masters, guides, teachers, parents that actually taught us about this inevitable possibility so we could of foreseen a higher-view(so to speak) and let go much sooner rather than hold on and continuously forgive and forget and wind up as damaged and lost as we began.

This is why i have made a promise to myself to never be in a relationship or at least, have children until both parties are fully embodied into the natural state and live in oneness, harmony, understanding with one another and life is trusted in equal frequency and one with nature and creative flow. That if one is ready to travel and run away and bloom, the other is equally as ready and flow as one.

I would never want my offspring to experience what we experienced and fall into the same traps and endless loops of suffering, i want them to be born into the life they deserve to be born in because if we were all truly present and embodied in our natural states/selves, we would all live in loving harmony as one collective consciousness. I want to raise the children that our parents never had the knowledge, wisdom and understanding to do so because they too had no guides, no masters, no teachers of light, love and truth of how to be fully and embody the natural self in which is why i will always forgive them for they are just as young and immature as we were.

This is why parents need to be very wise and observe their children because they just come from source, they are still "pure". It is not that parents need to teach the children, its actually the other way around, parents just need to guide and offer a helping hand and introduction to this world but the children are already enlightened, in reality, our offspring are here to remind and teach us of what we have forgotten. Not the other way around. We have no right to teach them and implant beliefs in them unless we too are one with source and our natural selves.

Thank you for reading a small part of my story, in a nutshell, My Unconditional love to you all.

??

 

 

 

Edited July 4, 2019 by pluto

[DrewNows]

Wait so what happened with your girl? 

Good read this was ? 

in parenting it’s so easy to fall into the knowledge trap out of fear so we block our intuition 

[Natasha]

@pluto Thank you so much for sharing your story. Made me tear up reading it, you endured a lot. 

There are good lessons and wisdom for others to learn here. Staying true to one's path takes a lot of courage and is not always easy.

Much love to you 

[pluto]

@DrewNows We finally decided to completely let go and part ways a about a year ago, it was the only way i could love her unconditionally/eternally because being with her, who she was now, was preventing me from truly being myself. Its a sad story but that's what true love is i guess, always wanting whats best for one another even if it doesn't include ourselves in the picture.

One of my biggest challenges for letting go was of her feeling i had abandoned her like her father and i never wanted her to feel that way and at the same time i never wanted to lose the best friend i been looking for my whole life but sadly she eventually no longer saw eye to eye with me but i was still seeing clearly and embodied in my truth but she had somehow ditched the spiritual path and her true self/nature because the "relationship" was not working in the way she expected it to be anymore. She wanted to be and feel like everyone else in society, romance, ideologies, beliefs, expectations, attachments and how relationships are projected in movies and in society which was fine at the start but it started to prevent me from being my true self and it did not feel like true love and i could no longer be this way because i had awoken to my true being, i could only be myself and what she was expecting of me was going against my true nature so i also felt betrayed by this because she provided the words i needed but never followed up with the actions when it was time to act and move forward in life.

I told her from the start and until the last time we talked, you are and were perfect for me, i never would ask for anything more than just being yourself as through you just being yourself when we met, i also found my true self and i would of happily created a family and spent the rest of my life with you but because our relationship was no longer harmonious and instead chaotic, what was the point? we have tried over and over again, thousands of times. The universe is obviously telling us a very important lesson we are ignoring. If it can't be harmonious then there is no point to have children, to create a family, to move forward.

I opened up completely and i was left in the dirt countless times when i needed her the most and those sacred times i shattered into a million pieces because i was always there for her but when the tables were turned she never showed up when i needed her the most and when she did show up when i was already broken, i could literally feel an energy blockage in my heart chakra when she was open and was expecting me to open up in return, as much as i tried, a higher power was preventing me and i started to realize i was no longer in-tune with my true self, my higher self, but i do not blame her, i blame myself for being blinded by attachment and fear and not trusting my higher self long ago when it spoke to me very clearly and i ignored it. I care deeply for everywhere, i never want them to suffer how i suffered.

I never wanted to hurt her and i just wished she could see what i foresaw as early as i did so she could understand why it had to end and why i could no longer be like everyone else, i thought she was hit with the same truth because her words were always there but her actions showed me that i was mistaken I eventually re-realized we met for a lesson not a lifetime and i realized the more we held on, the more blind we became with and to each other and almost completely shutdown from our natural selves.

I haven't talked to her in several months but it seems we are both happy and she is finally starting to understand why we had to end our relationship and i am now gradually embodying my true path once again and i believe she is too. If anything, I have no regrets, it only made me so much wiser.

The thing i miss the most is my best friend, my spiritual soul mate and i always wanted to remain friends but somehow she did not agree with this and completely ditched her true self, her spiritual path because the relationship did not work and she had become a completely different person, i could barely recognize who she was near the end.

This for me was the saddest part but at the end of the day no one is worth more than your own inner-peace. They will eventually understand in their own way. We must learn to trust the universe again and move on. All is well.

@Natasha Most welcome, brings a tear to my eye as well rereading it. Thank you as well for that topic <3

 

Edited July 4, 2019 by pluto

[DrewNows]

@pluto wow nice sequel short story  (jokes) 

it's hard to imagine any relationship could be perfect all the time and to not have challenges, but i guess growing apart is always possible. Im curious if at any point you two constantly helped each other grow at the human level. It doesn't seem like you wish to embrace your humanness anymore, or maybe im wrong. Did you see integration to be a big part of your life after awakening? For me it's been hugely necessary with deep seeded traumas. Conditional loves and romance, creative expression, i still think there's value here, particularly for integration 

[zeroISinfinity]

[Aakash]

I’m sorry to tell you but you demonise things way too much. Your enlightened cognition of things is heartwarming but it’s full of delusion. The issue is, you are not identified with it and so it does not bother you. 

You are a human as much as you are god, and humans get things wrong by design, because it is impossible to encapsulate reality with your mind. 

You learn from mistakes, so perfecting yourself first will not garuntee that your relationships will work out. Could you date any person in the world, this is what you must ask yourself as an enlightened person. Your perspective of needing someone else to be enlightened is a projection within yourself. 

It is actually dysfunctional, to harming degrees. Every human is amazing, still no perspective is 100% correct. You should not want to the person to be anything else than they are. To implement the need to change in a person is to be unsatisfied with yourself or more accurately to be unaccepting of the diversity of god. 

To think your enlightened is a mistake. An enlightened being has no self, therefore has no form. Ideology is form, non duality and enlightenment is identify. The issue here is you do not understand what awareness is and so you have fell into the trap of being stuck in a non dual ideological state. 

The issue is that illusory is illusory and not absolutely real to you. 

This is the truth about being enlightened and being in a relationship. Sadhguru has a beard to play the part, not because he likes it. 

This is what it means to be completely selfless. 

Edited July 4, 2019 by Aakash

[pluto]

@DrewNows  I apologize, i did not intend to write so much, its just happening on its own, i guess i am releasing something.

Oh sure we did, this was a 6 - 7 year on and off relationship written in short, there's so much that occurred i would need to write a book to explain it properly. I was also going through many other things in my life during this time-frame, the first year or two we delved fully into the human experience and grew a lot but after a while i was just ignoring my true self and true path, i was suffering on the inside because i knew better and i was ignoring it and choosing to live otherwise because i was too focused on helping her and everyone else see the magic i was experiencing because i was like a newly born child, in excitement and wonder, i finally felt alive for the first time in 20 years of darkness and hell but what i didn't know was you play with light too much you end up burning/blinding yourself. This is why i always say, plant seeds, move on or you'll burn/blind yourself.

I have this issue myself, i get addicted to spreading truth, love and wisdom with others because i see it ever so clearly but then you tend to fall off practice and get caught up in your own delusion and its no longer true sight but a memory.

Which leads my to Rumi's Divine Quote: Silence is the only true language of god, all else is poor translation. So maybe i should be quiet for good? believe me, i try.. but this fire of truth burns within me, sometimes it just spills out because its overflowing

In these last decade or so I have written over 100 thousand comments, essays, self-healing guides, spiritual downloads ect.. all over the internet and different forums and i am proud of myself because for the most part, many have benefited and thanked me personally for helping changed their lives and that too me makes my heart and soul smile more than anything else and brings feelings of joy beyond anything i can express verbally.

Nowadays i am much more wiser and limiting use of technology and speaking out too much in general unless i absolutely feel i have to share something. So i am always keeping up the spiritual practice (to the best of my ability), whether is spending time in nature, yoga, meditating, reading books, fasting, dancing, gardening, singing, sound healing, chanting and just being loving, kind and compassionate and showing an attitude of gratitude for all life's blessings because this is my true state, in this i am in 24/7 spiritual practice and mindful with all that i do.

Now i wouldn't say i am a Jesus or a Buddha but i have had access to that level of pure presence, that unconditionally loving nature, that total awareness of oneness at all times for a while on a few occasions, especially when i opened up completely to love and it pops up every now and then just to remind me its always there in the absolute NOW but i feel i have chosen a particular path for greater refinement reasons that when i experience what i need to experience and finally decide to align completely, there is nothing in this world that will hold me back and there will be no going back this time.

I have this "knowing" within me, i just do not "see" it as clearly as i once did and i believe that was my choice to begin with so i must trust it.

Our greatest advice we give to others arise from the mistakes we have made and the words we give to others are usually most helpful to ourselves.

Again, i apologize for the essay, its just flowing out of me and i completely understand if you did not read, someone else may and just expressing myself even without a response helps Thank you for your presence <3

Edited July 5, 2019 by pluto

[pluto]

@Aakash

Yes i see this now, i agree, i was completely blinded by my own light but i was like a new born child, i had no masters, no guides, no one to teach me or warn me of this inevitable phenomenon or whatever you wanna call it. I forgive myself for this as equally i do others who i have unintentionally hurt or harmed.

That's the thing, i did not want her to be anyone else but herself, she was with me as one but then she randomly stopped being herself, she agreed with everything i said vice versa, we were flowing as one, everything was beautiful and in harmony and all the words were there in harmony with one another as it seemed ever so clearly that we both had a similar path with one another but when it was time to put those words into good use, when it was time to act, she bailed every time and that confused me on so many levels, how could one behave as if they truly being themselves and yet not be?

I know i got too caught up with her and everyone else and almost completely lost myself in the process, for this I apologize.

I guess i have forgotten what awareness is then

Thank you, Forgive me.

 

 

 

Edited July 5, 2019 by pluto

[Aakash]

@pluto you did well without a teacher, I would have picked the same decisions you made. Nonetheless, we are all perfect. And that includes you at this current time and back in your past at every moment. ?. I’m sure you will meet someone else and have a better relationship with them!

[pluto]

@Aakash I know friend, thank you for reminding me and i guess i have to stop believing i am still healing from it all and embrace the fully healed state instead in which i currently am, like you say, but maybe not as present in awareness to fully realize it. Indeed, although i may have a completely different need or look for relationships of that magnitude nowadays, Inner-peace is all that matters.

As of right now, in this moment, i feel, even if i never have another relationship like that(how it bloomed in the beginning) ever again, i will truly be okay. As of right now, i feel generally at peace, maybe not in divine bliss and pure unconditional love at all times, but that is okay, i accept this peace as my natural state.

Makes me giggle, If i didn't open up the way i did about this situation and you didn't respond with those words you did in response, this realization possibly would of never occurred as clearly as i see it now.

Gratitude ??

Edited July 5, 2019 by pluto

[Aakash]

5 minutes ago, pluto said:

Inner-peace is all that matters.

Protecting inner peace is not possible. You must learn to be okay with any scenario. People thinking you’ve lost it, people not liking you, all of it. Inner peace comes when you can act or be in any contracted state of consciousness and still be fine with it. It is not to defend a position. 

If you need to heal, then heal. Glossing over it with paint is not the solution. It is apart of your ego dying and I know your enlightened. But instead of seeing it as illusory in nature, see it as real and that it’s fine! To be in pain and suffering. Then do what you must do to let it go. 

But is being alone what you want out of life ? Sure you may be in peace, that’s always good but realistically you only have one life lol. 

Its cool bro , I got over a break up like a year and a bit ago and it was tough because when you accept all the responsibility for it, well it takes a while to heal. 

[pluto]

[Natasha]

@Aakash I parted ways with my then fiancee after I woke too. We were both Christians and had been together for 3 years sharing a home and making plans to get married.

After my awakening I knew I would not be able to continue to keep up with the old paradigm any longer. I shared my new insights with him and he rejected them saying it's from the devil. He also told friends and family about how I'd left Jesus and asked them to pray for my salvation, etc. He laid out very clearly - I either return to church or it's over. I didn't return to church. 

This spiritual path is not for the faint of heart. It's often about choosing Truth over all other. At the end of the day it's really about being true to yourself, yourself as BEING, it's about peace that transcends ALL understanding/mind, and unconditional love for all.

 

[DrewNows]

@pluto Thanks for sharing so much more  (By the way i only tease about the length, it is to be appreciated) 

You have no idea how much i resonate with your words. There's been an ego backlash ive been experiencing and it was resistance growing out of proportion, ended with a bike crash and the inner critic coming out in full force to play with my emotions. 

i felt inclined to carry on with my past but ill let it go today. Thanks again, your words bring my comfort in a painful time 

[Aakash]

@Natasha yes I agree, maybe I am spreading my own projections of an enlightened lifestyle. There has been a recent development which has caused me to stop the journey. Ofcourse I don’t mind. But I get you 100% , there will always be an incling to go further and isolate yourself at all cost. 

In one of Leo’s blog videos. It’s said to be existential loneliness, this is exactly the term that applies to any of us, who seek the need to be in non dual form or in a state of constant bliss and love. It is the inability to accept your duality form, reboot into your form as real. And be detached from any of the infinity emotions or cognitive states/ non dual. 

I can only presume this is what causes us to march forward towards god at all costs. It’s the fact we only have one life and it must be NOW. 

I have a whole lifetime of existential lonliness to look forward to. Still it is perfect. 

Edited July 5, 2019 by Aakash

[pluto]

I agree with you all and most welcome @DrewNows this has helped me equally in return. I guess that just it, once you "KNOW" who you are, you can't really live otherwise unless you want to suffer endlessly. You can't really be anyone else anymore once you know your truth.

At times i thought what if this is also another belief system i have bought it into but i find myself over and over again realizing this same truth that once you "know" there is no going back, there is no more pretending, because YOU KNOW better. The most challenging thing about this is sometimes we don't always "see" what we "know" as clearly, or are we pretending we don't?

Hopefully i worded this right

Bless you all <3

Edited July 5, 2019 by pluto

[Aakash]

16 minutes ago, pluto said:

The most challenging thing about this is sometimes we don't always "see" what we "know" as clearly, or are we pretending we don't?

No I’m telling you, you’ve got it backwards. The world is real, it’s not an illusion. Your inability to function in it is a inherit problem associated with reaching non dual enlightenment. Hence the reason you can’t see it as real. The absolute truth is, you are god. You are everything and nothing. 

The issue with non duality is, it assumes there was ever a human being with an ego which was suffering. This is itself an assumption. 

You are god. Take responsibility for being god and re-realise. That there is only truth. An illusion is both an illusion to seperate self and real to true self. 

Non dual Enlightened beings are highly dysfunctional because they see things as illusion to bypass their issues. Well those that aren’t moderators on this forum. In my opinion. Leo has picked some good mods. Even if they aren’t aware of what I’m saying here 

Edited July 5, 2019 by Aakash

[zeroISinfinity]

3 hours ago, Natasha said:

@Aakash I parted ways with my then fiancee after I woke too. We were both Christians and had been together for 3 years sharing a home and making plans to get married.

After my awakening I knew I would not be able to continue to keep up with the old paradigm any longer. I shared my new insights with him and he rejected them saying it's from the devil. He also told friends and family about how I'd left Jesus and asked them to pray for my salvation, etc. He laid out very clearly - I either return to church or it's over. I didn't return to church. 

This spiritual path is not for the faint of heart. It's often about choosing Truth over all other. At the end of the day it's really about being true to yourself, yourself as BEING, it's about peace that transcends ALL understanding/mind, and unconditional love for all.

 

Yeah that is very much close to my path. Was really Good honest selfless highly emphatic person before taking the path. Was so fed up with bs everywhere and had gut feeling something is missing.What really got me here is listening to my intuition Whatever cost might be. From highly materialistic scientific nihilistic sceptical mind to Uncoditionally loving Being. 

Was so worth it no matter relative egoic cost for Truth. It was all perfect. 

But yes it is difficult, had to face and transcend all of my devilish ways. 

It is not about mind it is all about heart. 

 

[Natasha]

5 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

It is not about mind it is all about heart.

The power to heal the world in a nutshell