Ego inflation? My story and important mention on Enlightenment

[yellowschnee]

Hi,

 

in this post I want to tell a little bit of my story.

 

When I was 7 years old I falsely accused the boyfriend of my mother of rape. He then got 7 years in prison because of that and me and my 5-6 year old brother who were previously living with my mother were put into care families.

My mother was not allowed to find us and after she somehow got the address of the care family we were living in and came there, we were taken to another one. That happened after like 9 months. I didn't live in the same family as my brother anymore and 2,5 years after that I ran away from them because I was tired of doing all the work they had given to me.

This lead to an endless circle of changes in the places I lived in. I ended up changing it like 20 times and finally ended up in kind of an own assisted living flat in the age of 16.

I started following Leo at that time around.  Mostly the changes occurred due to unethical behavior from my side like stealing, lying or such. I used to do a lot of that.

With 17 I got the opportunity to go to the canary islands for 3 months were I graduated from school. It's the lowest graduation available here in Germany. Even though I tried to continue school for another year it didn't lead to a further graduation for the reasons following. 

With 17/18 years I got my very own flat. All that change of family doesn't seem as bad now as I have made so many diverse and good experiences there. 

I did quite a bit of personal development progressively throughout that time. 

First I did the basic stuff like pickup, how to not care about what other people think of you, emotional development and so on. I read quite a few books. It was not important to me how much money I spent on them.

I watched every single of Leo's new videos at some point and a good chunk of his old videos.

It was always a little bit difficult for me to take notes. A few times I wrote down every single word Leo said in a video. I just couldn't focus on the most important stuff because all of it seemed important.

When Leo brought out his first video about enlightenment I immediately resonated with what he said. 

He talked about meditation before that and I was introduced to some kinds of meditation and to buddhism. At that time there was someone arising called Rali aka 'Naked Reality'. I watched every single one of his videos. I started doing some psychedelics; LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, n,n-dmt and cannabis. I always did it with some intention like spiritual progression.

During that I learned meditation by Yuttadhammo Bhikku. Walking meditation and sitting meditation. 

I did that regularly for over a year. Then it hit me. In a time in which I happened to do a lot of psychedelics and meditation I finally wrote a letter to my mom which I hadn't seen for more than 10 years. It took me more that 24 hours to write. During that whole time I took no break. And while I was doing it I felt more and more that I was enlightened. I began the letter with the phrase 'I don't know what to write but just write down the truth'.

Writing down the truth about what happened in my childhood felt like finding the Truth with a capital 'T'

Some extraordinary stuff also happened then: I was having visions of times in my childhood where I might have died but came back for some reason.

It was like the universe was downloading stuff into my head, just like I have heard someone say on the internet. When I finished the letter I thought that I was fully enlightened and thought that everything was possible.

I went to school without having slept and told everyone in the classroom that I loved them and really meant it. I was openly talking about some student about drugs and my opinions about it. 

I told my teachers about enlightenment and they thought I was crazy. They put me into a room and called an ambulance which ultimately lead to a 9 week psychiatric hospital stay. With the struggle of explaining the psychiatrists that I was enlightened, trying to talk like Osho I got diagnosed with psychosis and later with Schizophrenia. I was pumped up with various neuroleptics and other psychiatric substances at high doses. That was the worst experience I ever had in my life. 

My body and mind reacted so badly to it I can't imagine a worse torture method. Not even my worst enemies I would wish that kind of treatment. 

I decide to go vegan after the initial stay at the psychiatry 2,5 years ago which I am still. During that time I was hospitalized over and over again. In fact I have spent a sub total of over a year in psychiatric hospitals.

I successfully completed a 10 day vipassana course by Goenka somewhere in between it. I kept the practice of 2 hours a day for like 2-3 months but got re hospitalized again and couldn´t continue meditating due to the heavy 'medication'.

Right now I managed to come off all psychiatric substances but I'm far from well. Spiritually I'm pretty down because I don't have the courage to meditate. I was told it's not good to meditate with a 'mental disorder' like that and I took it like that. I definitely want to build a strong spiritual and concentration practice in the future thought. That's very important to me. I'm pretty much on Netflix and YouTube all day and barely have any discipline. 

I'm also tempted to do stupid things like drugs. I'm aware I should stay away from psychedelics at least for the next few years but it's just so tempting to just go into that 'spiritual realm'. 

I did some pot, mostly cbd but also thc and some very low doses of mdma and lsd in the last 6 months. I don't think I used it in the right way.

 

I feel like I'm stuck and that my life is going nowhere right now. I don't skate as much anymore which was my big passion. Right before I was hospitalized the first time for 'psychosis' I  rolled my ankle - this disabled me to some point in terms of skateboarding. And after all my experience with the so called 'mental illness' was more like a spiritual emergence to me.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Nahm]

Get your ass on the board. 

 

 

Come, come, whoever you are,

Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving,

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Even if you have broken your vows a thousand times

It doesn't matter

Come, come yet again, come

Rumi

 

Above all these worldly things, you are Loved Yellowschnee. You are worthy, and deserving.

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

Wow!

[Mu_]

On 7/3/2019 at 4:16 AM, yellowschnee said:

Hi,

 

in this post I want to tell a little bit of my story.

 

When I was 7 years old I falsely accused the boyfriend of my mother of rape. He then got 7 years in prison because of that and me and my 5-6 year old brother who were previously living with my mother were put into care families.

My mother was not allowed to find us and after she somehow got the address of the care family we were living in and came there, we were taken to another one. That happened after like 9 months. I didn't live in the same family as my brother anymore and 2,5 years after that I ran away from them because I was tired of doing all the work they had given to me.

This lead to an endless circle of changes in the places I lived in. I ended up changing it like 20 times and finally ended up in kind of an own assisted living flat in the age of 16.

I started following Leo at that time around.  Mostly the changes occurred due to unethical behavior from my side like stealing, lying or such. I used to do a lot of that.

With 17 I got the opportunity to go to the canary islands for 3 months were I graduated from school. It's the lowest graduation available here in Germany. Even though I tried to continue school for another year it didn't lead to a further graduation for the reasons following. 

With 17/18 years I got my very own flat. All that change of family doesn't seem as bad now as I have made so many diverse and good experiences there. 

I did quite a bit of personal development progressively throughout that time. 

First I did the basic stuff like pickup, how to not care about what other people think of you, emotional development and so on. I read quite a few books. It was not important to me how much money I spent on them.

I watched every single of Leo's new videos at some point and a good chunk of his old videos.

It was always a little bit difficult for me to take notes. A few times I wrote down every single word Leo said in a video. I just couldn't focus on the most important stuff because all of it seemed important.

When Leo brought out his first video about enlightenment I immediately resonated with what he said. 

He talked about meditation before that and I was introduced to some kinds of meditation and to buddhism. At that time there was someone arising called Rali aka 'Naked Reality'. I watched every single one of his videos. I started doing some psychedelics; LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, n,n-dmt and cannabis. I always did it with some intention like spiritual progression.

During that I learned meditation by Yuttadhammo Bhikku. Walking meditation and sitting meditation. 

I did that regularly for over a year. Then it hit me. In a time in which I happened to do a lot of psychedelics and meditation I finally wrote a letter to my mom which I hadn't seen for more than 10 years. It took me more that 24 hours to write. During that whole time I took no break. And while I was doing it I felt more and more that I was enlightened. I began the letter with the phrase 'I don't know what to write but just write down the truth'.

Writing down the truth about what happened in my childhood felt like finding the Truth with a capital 'T'

Some extraordinary stuff also happened then: I was having visions of times in my childhood where I might have died but came back for some reason.

It was like the universe was downloading stuff into my head, just like I have heard someone say on the internet. When I finished the letter I thought that I was fully enlightened and thought that everything was possible.

I went to school without having slept and told everyone in the classroom that I loved them and really meant it. I was openly talking about some student about drugs and my opinions about it. 

I told my teachers about enlightenment and they thought I was crazy. They put me into a room and called an ambulance which ultimately lead to a 9 week psychiatric hospital stay. With the struggle of explaining the psychiatrists that I was enlightened, trying to talk like Osho I got diagnosed with psychosis and later with Schizophrenia. I was pumped up with various neuroleptics and other psychiatric substances at high doses. That was the worst experience I ever had in my life. 

My body and mind reacted so badly to it I can't imagine a worse torture method. Not even my worst enemies I would wish that kind of treatment. 

I decide to go vegan after the initial stay at the psychiatry 2,5 years ago which I am still. During that time I was hospitalized over and over again. In fact I have spent a sub total of over a year in psychiatric hospitals.

I successfully completed a 10 day vipassana course by Goenka somewhere in between it. I kept the practice of 2 hours a day for like 2-3 months but got re hospitalized again and couldn´t continue meditating due to the heavy 'medication'.

Right now I managed to come off all psychiatric substances but I'm far from well. Spiritually I'm pretty down because I don't have the courage to meditate. I was told it's not good to meditate with a 'mental disorder' like that and I took it like that. I definitely want to build a strong spiritual and concentration practice in the future thought. That's very important to me. I'm pretty much on Netflix and YouTube all day and barely have any discipline. 

I'm also tempted to do stupid things like drugs. I'm aware I should stay away from psychedelics at least for the next few years but it's just so tempting to just go into that 'spiritual realm'. 

I did some pot, mostly cbd but also thc and some very low doses of mdma and lsd in the last 6 months. I don't think I used it in the right way.

 

I feel like I'm stuck and that my life is going nowhere right now. I don't skate as much anymore which was my big passion. Right before I was hospitalized the first time for 'psychosis' I  rolled my ankle - this disabled me to some point in terms of skateboarding. And after all my experience with the so called 'mental illness' was more like a spiritual emergence to me.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What ever happened with the false accusation?  Did you admit to this and what transpired?

[yellowschnee]

@Mu_ Yes I admitted it. It's still in the checking.

They sent me a letter in which they requested me to come to a court psychologist in order to get the trueness of what I said confirmed. I didn't go there yet.

 

I'm a little bit reluctant about it because of the stigma and everything that has to do with my psychiatric diagnoses. I got diagnosed not very long after I made the statement. Hell, those diagnoses are even written in the police computers.

The guy would get 25€ compensation per day of his 7 year sentence. That amounts to 63.865€. I wonder if they put me into the psychiatric hospitals because of the money.

Edited July 10, 2019 by yellowschnee
missing stuff

[bejapuskas]

@yellowschnee  Whoa I did something very similar here, but fortunately I wasn't hospitalized, sounds awful man.

[yellowschnee]

@bejapuskas What did you do?

[bejapuskas]

@yellowschnee  Told many people about my feelings of love for everything and also how love actually is everything and many more things like that... But I only told it to some people, some of them were quite questionable to tell this to though... Didn't think it was risky, I don't do that anymore. I also only told it to one teacher who many kids trust, so that's probably why it didn't come up to the surface. But still many of the people I told it to think I am weird and stopped talking to me. I really learned a lot by doing it.

[Chi_]

It takes some balls to share your story with everyone here! But that's really good. 

 

From what I see, it seems like there is quite a bit of emotional work that you have to work though. Specially from your childhood and teenage years. A lot of us might think that we are emotionalless and very stoic but that's because we are hiding away a lot of that subconsciously.

This might explain why you felt like you were getting enlightened as you were writing the letter to your mom. It might have been one of the first times you sat down and seriously wrote down all the stuff that happened and that probably brought up some hidden emotions and you were free and therefore "enlightened". Ofcourse I'm just speculating here but it is probably not an actual enlightenment experience per say.

 

So I think you should start doing some work to dissolve all the emotional trauma that you have. Keep your meditation practices going along as usual but focus on healing. At first you might not want to do it becauce that means going through a lot of hurt. But you have to in order to be better version of yourself. There are many methods. I will list down a few here

 

1) Osho Dynamic Meditation (You can Google and find a studio nearby who offers this) 

2) Shamanic Breathing (Just watch the video by Leo) 

3) Shadow Work (There are many YouTube videos for this but a good book is Shadow Dance by David Richo) 

4) Go into Psychoanalysis (Find a Psychoanalyst nearby and go into therapy. These are powerful sessions where they can really dig into your unconscious mind and find where all the wounds lie. Note that this is very different from your normal talk therapy) 

5) Look into EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) 

 

 

If you even pick a few of the above and invest atleast a year into this, I am sure you will come out of the other side as a completely different person  I think the Osho Dynamic meditation, psychoanalysis and shamanic breathing might be the best out the list.

Edited July 11, 2019 by Chi_

[yellowschnee]

@Chi_Yeah you might be right about the enlightenment thing. There were a lot of factors at that time. The things that you recommend look quite promising, I might look into some of it. I actually met a former student of Osho a few years back. His name is Soham (Samarpan) and he gives similar talks as Osho did. He mostly does Satsangs. 

I stopped meditating for quite a long time since my last stay at the psychiatric hospitals.

Getting back into it right now. I figured I'd do Vipassana by Goenka. It's said that this technique would induce depersonalization states quite often though. But there is an old Chinese saying: 'Danger or opportunity?'  My main issue right now is the constant engaging in the media; mostly YouTube.

[yellowschnee]

Gotta choose between Goenka and Yuttadhammo Bhikku. The other meditation tec that I practiced for a substantial amount of time is with labeling the things happening in the present moment: abdomen is rising; say in the mind 'rising', abdomen is falling; say in the mind 'falling'. When walking saying in the mind 'stepping right', 'stepping left'. And observing the states of mind: When anger arises saying in the mind 'angry, angry', when being happy saying in the mind 'happy, happy'.

 

Vipassana by Goenka consists of 3 practices (Anapana, Vipassana and Metta) Vipassana is feeling the sensations on the body from the top of the head to the tip of the toes while staying equanimous, Anapana is observing the breath in the broad triangular area at the tip of the nose. Metta being the blissful practice of loving kindness 'may all beings be free, may all beings be happy'.

 

Edited July 12, 2019 by yellowschnee
missing stuff

[Chi_]

@yellowschnee Glad you found it helpful. 

I see that you have great interest in trying out Vipassana. It is a great spiritual technique for reaching higher levels of consciousness for sure. But having said that, in my experience, Vipassana could take a long time to work on you and also takes a long portion of the day (2 hours). Therefore I changed to Yoga for the moment. Not the western yoga but real authentic yoga. I highly recommend you watch the video called "Importance of Real Yoga" by Leo. A good reason to try it out in my opinion is becauce it yields results much faster than traditional meditation and even vipassana in my experience.

 

A good program to start with if you are interested is Inner Engineering. They currently don't have any upcoming programs in Germany but I think they will have one before the end of the year or atleast beginning of next year. 

Edited July 12, 2019 by Chi_