In love with two different girls

[VictorB02]

I have been hesitant to share this on the forum but my conclusions I come too just aren't satisfying. I really need help. With that being said, let me tell you a little of my situation.

Around 4 years ago I fell in love with (lets call her Amanda). Amanda and I have been together ever since I was 15 (I am now 19). We love each other deeply and are very deeply connected. She can talk with me about anything, even personal development and spirituality. And we always push each other to be better. We do just about everything together as far as lifting weights, meditating, going to get groceries, and even her moving into my parents home with me. 

Just last week Amanda left to go to Washington D.C. to sell door to door to try to make some money. We both decided to take a break from our relationship as this is a great time for solitude and growth. We decided when she comes back we will get an apartment together and rekindle our relationship. I wish it was that easy but here is the kicker:

Around 3 days ago I hung out with the only other girl (lets call her Kylie) that I have ever really had a connection and relationship with. When I hung out with Kylie it was very clear: I love this woman. The same feelings of love I feel towards Kylie are the same I feel towards Amanda. But what makes this hard is that Kylie is new to me, I have never know anything other than the 4 year relationship with Amanda that I have been in since a freshman in high school. So being with Kylie is exciting, exhilarating, and makes me feel alive... the problem obviously is that I cannot have both.

I have tired multiple days to take time and just contemplate what I truly want, but I can't seem to go anywhere - the only answer I can come up with is "I simply want and love them both" but this is obviously not realistic and just the ego trying to attach and control everything... anyways, I would love to hear the forums advice on this one. 

Thank you all

 

[Pilgrim]

It's pretty common to fall in love with other people while being in a relationship. It happened to many friends of mine, they developed strong crushes towards other girls/guys and have already been in relationships. This is totally natural, there are other interesting people on the planet - other than your current partner.

However, as you mentioned.. of course the new person is more exciting to you. You know what you have with your girlfriend (on break).. relationships roughly consist of 4 stages: attraction, connection, investment and compatibility. You seem to have all four components with "Amanda", with "Kylie" you seem to have attraction and connection.. investment is hard to tell, it means the level of commitment both of you are willing to put into the relationship. It means if the other person is loyal to you and wants to build a future with you. The 4th sage usually only shows with time, in order to live in a serious relationship with someone you need a certain amount of similarity and your lifestyles have to match, otherwise you will have a lot of problems in everyday life.

Usually falling in love and developing a crush is still pretty superficial. You don't fully know the other person yet and it almost always involves a certain amount of idealisation. When you're falling in love, your hormones are going crazy and your basically "on drugs". This feeling is amazing, but it also clouds your judgment.. it's seeing through the typical rose coloured glasses. Maybe "Kylie" is a true love as well, but only time will tell. A guy friend of mine told me once: "You have to observe your feelings carefully, and oftentimes the crush goes away with time. If not, you have to make a decision". 

So, if I were in your position, I wouldn't force myself to make a decision right now. You are not in a relationship at the moment, you can take your time to see how things evolve. But keep in mind that developing a strong connection with someone is not a sure sign that you can also live in a happy relationship with them. Other factors count in as well. And in the early times of developing feelings for someone, you usually don't know the person well enough to have a rounded image of them. Usually we are projecting all kinds of things onto them.. and only later we can see the flaws, that we couldn't see in the beginning. Take your time. This happens to many people.  

[universe]

Your love is very partial. Focus on your feeling of love and expand it to everything around you.

If you do that you will see that there is no problem.

 

If you want a solution to your imaginary problem. Id say enjoy your time with both. Dont tell them about the other. See how things evolve.

Maybe you fall deeply in love with the new girl and live happily ever after. Or you both dont connect so much / drama / fight / life happens and you get back with your "ex". Could also be that in a few month both relationships come to an end.

[studentofthegame]

After 4 years with Amanda and this connection you describe, it might be time to commit. that means you make the conscious decision to commit to moving in with her and being unavailable to other women. of course, you'll find other women attractive, but you observe that feeling and don't feed it. commitment doesn't come without sacrifice.

then again, you are 19. pretty young. maybe you're not ready for a big commitment.

good luck mate.

[flowboy]

19 hours ago, VictorB02 said:

the only answer I can come up with is "I simply want and love them both" but this is obviously not realistic and just the ego trying to attach and control everything... anyways, I would love to hear the forums advice on this one. 

Or maybe your believing that you can not have them both is your ego not wanting to face the uncomfortable truth that you are polyamorous.

How are you so certain that you can't? Have you discussed your feelings honestly with both partners?

Is it them setting the restrictions, or is it you?

[VictorB02]

@Pilgrim such a well thought-out and meaningful reply.

Thank you very much. It means a lot to me

[VictorB02]

@universe @studentofthegame thank you both very much

[VictorB02]

@flowboy great point and perspective, thank you