Relapsed again, starting to lose hope

[illia]

I've been on this on this actualized journey for the past 2 years and I've grown so much as an individual. My sense of others has improved, my confidence has grown so much, I've been meditating for the past year and a half, I've even been on a 10-day vipassana course.

I'm writing this because I have a food addiction. When things get tough I run away from my problems into food and Youtube. When I fall into the pit, nothing else matters. I will abandon my diet plan, I won't go to the gym, if I have an exam in school, I won't study for it, I'll ignore my friends calls. It's like I put myself into a bubble in which I feel comfortable and I don't let any responsibilities in.

I'm writing this as I've relapsed again today. Honestly I can't see what else am I to do. I'm aware that presence during times of hardship is my answer, but it's like a battle is going inside of me. One part of me is losing hope and the other part is being mindful of the first part.

It's easy for me to say now that I will try harder the next time but I've told myself this for too many times. When the addiction hits I feel like I have no control over myself and the only left thing for me to do is to relapse.

Another thing that I've noticed is that if I'm in the company of other people I won't become self destructive, only when I am alone, will I fall off the wagon. An easy solution would be to find myself a group of people with whom I would be surrounded 24/7, but I feel like I would just mask the problem with that.

I don't know, I guess I just need others people view on this. 

[Moreira]

This is something i've noticed. When you are very disciplined, the day you fall you fall BIG. I'm on diet all year long, but the day I eat unhealthy food (ice-cream, chinese-japanese, pizza, I eat excessively to the point I almost get ill. maybe somebody into psychology could give us a why.

[Jkris]

@illia Problems,Hardships self destructive pattern.

So tell about what kind of problems,hardships you are unable to face.Thats where the solution to be found.

[Truth Addict]

• Start Journaling: video, audio, writing.
• Change your lifestyle. Make some big changes in your life if possible. That will make you feel refreshed and ready to change.
• Surrender to your addictions. Why not? And just be more aware of them.
• Meditate and contemplate.
• Sit down and have a looooong conversation with the addictions you have. Ask them questions, find out what they want, keep notes, don't hate them, don't try to force change, but rather try to understand the root issues. This might take you hours, but it's totally worth it.
• Don't get frustrated if you backslide sometimes, nobody's perfect, we all make mistakes. Acknowledge your mistakes, love yourself for working hard, and move on.

Just some ideas for you. Good luck!

[Gili Trawangan]

If it's really bad, consider a twelve step programme. Step 1 is to admit that you are powerless over the addiction. Which is true, you just have to recognize it and accept it. The whole programme is very spiritual, so it is in line with the path you are on already. They also highlight that connection is the antidote to addiction, which is something you've already realized.

[DrewNows]

@illia @Moreira Read this it might help shine some light on your addictive behavior and whether it may be emotional. Read the psychologist's message under the pics

 

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

Bitten Jonsson has some good stuff on sugar addiction.

[Rebec]

The cave you fear to enter, holds the treasure you seek. The cure for pain, is in the pain. The slower you go, the faster you get there.

Some questions;

What payoff am I getting out of this positionality? What gratification, pleasure and satisfaction gives this position which I am stuck in?

By making a problem of the addiction taking over and you resisting this, you make yourself the victim of your own behavior.

I am victim because...

Justifications why I can't change, why it's impossible, why it's not my fault.

Identify why it's seems to be an external problem.

Identify why the problem is actually an internal problem, find the constrast between the internal and external problem.

How I am creating the obstical?

What am I avoiding by creating this obstical?

What must I believe to be a victim?

Only mind-fullness of a deep rooted belief, won't make it go away. Find the root cause , solve it and the external behavior will follow.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@illia As one of the queens of backsliding... I feel like a bit of a hypocrite answering this... that said, maybe that will make my insights helpful (tricks I've likely learned from Leo/ PD):

1. Picture both "options": youtube & food indulgence, vs, focus/passion/dedication. Now, what does each path look like 1 month in the future, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc...?

2. Leave youtube momentarily for any nature, even a house plant, focus on it until you are completely absorbed in it's beauty, grateful for it's existence/ entirely present/ until you are one, then... imagine it's growth in sunlight with fresh pure water... imagine it's growth with only blue computer light (youtube) and growing in a pot filled with trash instead of soil (too much food/ wrong food)

3. Set up new fun habits for a limited time each day, and integrate the responsibilities...

you can come up with more tricks yourself I'm sure... but just do it... or life can eventually crumble

Edited July 1, 2019 by Epiphany_Inspired

[Surfingthewave]

What is the root cause of your addiction? For example you describe when things 'get tough' you relapse, run away from problems and loose hope. This is life on the path my friend, the push and pull between light and dark. Continue your inner work and you'll not only discover more light and love you could have ever imagined but that you, are the light. 

Edited July 2, 2019 by Surfingthewave

[Autumn]

I know a lot of people would give you shit for comparing food addiction to other addictions. But I want to say as addict (heroin), I really do understand what you're saying. It doesn't matter whether giving up means saying fuck it to your diet (which you know would help you health-wise) or whether giving up means saying fuck it to your sobriety (which you also know would help you health-wise).

All I can say is to keep on keeping-on, and when you fall (as fucking cliche as it sounds) just get back up.

Edited July 2, 2019 by Autumn

[Jj13]

I would take a relapse as a sign of progress. Ego backlash means you have transcended your old self and it pulls you back. 

Use that opportunity to love yourself unconditionally. It can be a tremendous learning experience.

Good luck man