100µg of LSD | Kundalini, Nonduality, Fear and TaiChi

[FractalFlux]

Long story short:
The ultimate nature is playful 

I am eternal
I am timeless

I delight in my own creation

Short story long:
Hello friends

It has been a while 

Nine months have passed since I fried my ass off with 200µg of LSD last Septemeber.
After a lot of integration and working on myself in everyday life I found myself in a good spot to drop some acid again.
Once more tripping all alone; no tripsitter, no safety nets. This time at an isolated place in a nature reserve where I am currently working   but with half the dose – 100µg of LSD. I was worried the acid might have lost some of it’s potency due to being stored at room temperature for over a year now, but these worries were unjustified

In comparison to my last trip:
Less visuals, less sacred geometry. No Kechari Mudra this time ;-)
Deeper, more raw energetic kundalini stuff + some surprises
More Death | more Non-Dual | more Love !

 

So here’s what happened:
18:00pm : I drop the tab,  read “The teachings of Don Juan” and listened to the fabulous “Leylines” Album by Aes Dana.

~18:45pm: Can't read anymore, I start dancing. Dancing is great way in & out of the trip. Strong desire to be more aware of my body. Exploring energy moving through the shoulders and neck – I should straighten up my posture! Only slight patterns and visuals at this point, but my mind is already going places..

After some dancing I come to a dead end, gently drop to the floor, arms out to the sides, and watch myself die. I seem to somehow have  skipped the comeup and directly went from "barely any effect" to "full blow trip"! Tingling at the base of the spine, light in my head.
Here the unspeakable territory of yogic states begins. 
This is what I saw

Dry analysis is ego, Light shines through in emotions

This life is my offering to you, Shiva

Angels and demons guard the same door
Ravenous energies moving up the spine
With pleasure I kiss shut deaths eye

How does a self self-terminate?
In the end there is nothing you do, you just give in to what was your deepest desire all along – you surrender and explode in ecstasy!

There was no-Self to begin with!
 

 

 

Oh dear Lord! Self-awareness kicks back in, but the meditator within me doesn’t want the endless orgasm to end – “I can last longer!” – so he keeps the body unmoving and goes for some more rounds on the strange-loop of (non)existence.

I arise from my ecstatic slumber.
I get up and go the bathroom, pulled by strings beyond my control, and face myself in the mirror. Hard to explain what happened there. 
I see myself as I am, with all my tensions and imperfections.
My face morphs through various beings, from angelic benevolent rabbits to demonic shapeshifting lizards. From time to time my reflection disappears comepletely, leaving just the empty bathroom.
I take off my clothes, look at my body. Imperfect by flawless design. 
Divine, tempting!
I watch myself transform into a woman – androgynous mastermind 
Goddamn shapeshifters! ;-)

I walk back to the living room and sit down on the floor, meditation posture.
I vividly experience “energetic blockages” in the right side of my body, specifically in the right abdomen slightly above the navel. Left is conscious, right is unconscious. I had been increasingly aware of several “dysfunctions” on the right side of my body over the last months, now it all was very clear. The root of the energetic distortion lies deep within the right side of the pelvis, hard to explain. This is my karma, this is the work I have to do!
For the first time I connect this to the appendectomy I had 10 years ago. I repressed the entire procedure! I let the memories surface with as much love and awareness as possible. Funny to look at it from the nondual perspective;

I cut out a party of myself
Because it would have killed me
Interesting

 

That was the first part of the trip, the peak; Surrendering, experiencing some esoteric/mystic/ occult/ecstatic far far out stuff you can’t talk about without being tackled from left and right, merging with the Absolute, reentering into karmic existence and clearing out some baggage on the way. Lovely.

The second part of the trip was all about embodiment of nondual consciousness and how I fail at doing that. Huge lesson.
Here's what happened:

I stand up as God, as Myself.
I look out of the window; flawless nature, the sun is setting.
I gaze into the sun. Aligning the small ego self with the big Godself.
Merging with love, drowning in love

Infinite Pleasure,
Infinite Love,
Infinite Death,
Infinite Anything

 

 

Hey, babe… I’m the sun

 

 

I love it all so much; I want to go outside, I want to be with my creation!

 

Egoic fear starts surfacing. I know I am all alone out here in nature, but it could be possible for some coworkers to come by. They can’t see me like this, walking through the garden, all ego-less!?
Inner conflict.
The same resistance you feel when for the first time engaging someone you truly love; fear of how it will turn out, fear of the unknown. But an irresistible urge to do so anyways. You have to trust, and step forward with love!

I put on some shorts (huge mistake! :D) and made my way outside. 
Why did I even lock the door? 
Was I afraid someone would come by, rob, rape and murder me? 
I just kicked in my own front door and shot myself in the head! (with Love) Nothing to be afraid of now, hahaha

It feels good to be outside
But there are still old patterns, memories…

God would have just walked off into the wilderness

I turned right and slowly, consciously, step by step approached the garden and with it my synchronicity moment of the year, a funny little allegory about psychedelics and God-Consciousness;
God-Me walks into his garden and sees a rabbit, feasting and nibbling on the tasty, fresh and young strawberries God-Me had planet just a week ago. Gotcha!
God-Me stands still and intensely focuses his piercing gaze on the God-Rabbit.
The rabbit abruptly stops eating, crouches and contracts in fear.
God-Me loosens his tight gaze, squats down, extends his hand and mentally says “It’s okay you little rascal, come here, I want to love you!”
The rabbit runs away.
What a shame, I just wanted to love it.
I sit down and reflect. If I really am myself, the rabbit, the strawberries and the garden, what does this mean? 
No time to reflect. I hear the sound of an approaching car - coworkers incoming!!
They can’t see me like this, sitting in the garden all ego-less! With fear I contract and run back into the house.
I am the rabbit!

I want it to happen without drugs, that’s the only excuse I have

Fear is the basic mechanism of separation; fear of Death, fear of Love, fear of Self

Back inside, back inside my egoic safe space.
I realize there was no car approaching at all. I just imagined it.
What a shame, I could have just loved it.
 

Too much of this love kills me

 

Inside I sit in meditation and contemplate what just happened. I realize I have to give it another try, I have to come out of hiding.
In addition to the shorts I put on a shirt and again venture outside. Now I feel more comfortable about being outside. I have to slowly adjust myself to these new levels of consciousness. So much energy in the system. I sit in meditation.

Again I hear the sound of a car approaching. Same old fear, wanting to run inside.
But NO! I am creating this! And I choose to create out of Love, not out of fear! 
I sit still. No coworkers.

 

So much energy!! I get up and spontaneously do some impromptu Tai-Chi / Kung-Fu / Martial Arts. So that’s what that stuff is all about!
Most of it must have looked uncoordinated and weird – my first real training session!
Some of those movements however…
If you really focus, intensely zone in…

Mind&Matter moving together

This is how God creates! Directly – effortless will

I TaiChi-myself into a fascinating realization:
Who cares about a few mosquito bites…
I am a motherucking MACHINE ELF! The intelligence that guides the separation, the code that runs the divine operating system! 

Eternally recreating myself…

 

My heart bursts open, it feels so good to be back, I missed myself so much!
Like a father, like a mother, like a son, like a daughter, like a brother, like a sister, like a teacher, like a friend, like a lover

“I love you!”
       Is that really true?
“Sure babe, I’d tell you anything. I AM you!”
 

Not much happened after that, I was just awake for 6 more hours. I meditated in the house, again naked but wrapped in a blanket, exploring visions of myself as a Sage, bathing in this new awareness. Dealing with the aftermath of chemically induced kundalini, trying to get the energy out of the system…
Then I fell asleep at around 6:00am


Takeaways from the trip:
Love! A call to authenticity and spontaneity! I already am on that path, just gotta keep on walking… The destination is radical but it is worth it! (+there is no other option lol)
Getting more grounded in the body! More Yoga, maybe start doing TaiChi.

 

There were two more paragraphs I wanted to write.
One about how I failed my own Zen Koan challenge (realized the answer but didn’t act it out).
The other about Love only being perceived when there is something to be loved.
But I don’t know how to express that without starting nonduality-wars ;-)
So I’ll just leave it at that.

 

Here’s a goodie for you to chew on:

I am that
I (1)
create the Two (and remain in between) 

Did you get it? 

 

 

Love you all!

Edited July 1, 2019 by FractalFlux
typo

[Nahm]

@FractalFlux Awesome. Thanks for taking the time. I think there might be something to the naked solo trip. A vulnerability perhaps, which seems to play a role. I hear you on the one creating the two. The simplicity is just insane isn’t it? 

“The ultimate nature is playful” . So very happy for you to realize that profound insight. 

[OBEler]

@FractalFlux Wooah...I have tears in my eyes, did not trip one year after my last lsd trip.  Took 200 microgram , Setting was not good I was not in nature but in house 

 just want your experience...what do you do regulary for spiritual practices?

 

[Leo Gura]

Good work, God-rabbit, LOL.

 

[FractalFlux]

@Nahm Insanity is a good keyword :):
@OBEler get your basics right before tripping again! Leo talks about this a lot. Take care of your body (body is mind!), and trust that "ordinary reality" is the same as "God-reality". But don't just believe that it is true, act like it is true! (Because, you know, it is )
I do daily Kriya Yoga + I seem to have an inclination towards consciously exposing myself to darkness / shadow stuff from time to time while nonetheless staying focused on Love/Light/Truth and all that other hippie mumbo jumbo  apart from that idk, I have always been drawn to this stuff naturally
@Leo Gura Cheers!

Edited July 1, 2019 by FractalFlux