Rocking Back And Forth

[Rilles]

When I was a kid I used to sit on my bed and rock back and forth while also tilting my neck backwards... I could sit like this for hours... It was very pleasurable... Im surprised my parents didnt take me to a doctor because I mustve looked completetly insane... Does anyone know why I did this?? was I soothing some trauma or something??

thanks

[Natasha]

12 minutes ago, Rilles said:

was I soothing some trauma or something??

Could be that or you did it as a distraction from facing boredom of just being.

[Rilles]

6 hours ago, laptophaver said:

@Rilles

When you were doing this behavior, would anybody offer any affection or attention to help you through the habit?

Nope. They would just tease me sometimes (in a friendly way) or just ignore me and let me do it. I would sit behind my brother while he was playing computer games and do it. 

It could have been a sign of neglected physical stimulation or affection, so your body responded to the lack of stimuli to soothe any internal responses from the environment (or lack thereof). 

Ok I see... I dont think I lacked physical touch or anything but I will ponder this... thanks!

You would know if certain experiences were traumatic, however depending on your household, I'm not sure where you're emotional-set point was established, or how much trauma your body is used to enduring (rocking back and forth is a form of stimming, or self soothing to keep you from lashing out at things outside of you). 

Thats what Ive been thinking... It didnt even occur to me how unusual this behaviour was until just a year ago, then I realized Ive must have been doing it for some good reason...

Do you notice if you still do any forms of self stimulation?

Not that I know of... What exactly counts as stimming?

(disclaimer: I'm not diagnosing you in this response, but this channel might be useful for anybody displaying subconscious idiosyncrasies) Self soothing is nothing to be ashamed of, you're just doing your best. I hope this channel can help you discover your strengths. 

 

 

 

[Rilles]

57 minutes ago, laptophaver said:

@Rilles 

Thats what Ive been thinking... It didnt even occur to me how unusual this behaviour was until just a year ago, then I realized Ive must have been doing it for some good reason...

As a kid I would press my fingers against each other to apply pressure to the bed of the nail. I didn't think my nails were going to fall off my fingers, but somehow it was soothing for me to feel that pressure for a sense of security. 
I would also sit on a hard wood floor, and using my hands I would spin my self for kicks and giggles. Other times, I would just stand in the middle of the room and just start spinning until I felt dizzy, I thought that was fun. Or i would just move my head (sort of like how Stevie wonder moves his head when he plays music, no offense) back and forth until, again, I felt dizzy.

I did a lot of my stimming to let my body feel the velocity. As an adult, the stimming is more useful and obvious when I'm stressed. For example, I'll rub the sides of my head incessantly. Or I rub my thumbs against the inside of my palms, or I'll lightly scratch around my forearms with the backs of my nails.

I dont do much stimming anymore, maybe because I always keep busy with something... I used to twist my hair alot when I felt excited but I dont do that anymore.

Funny since we started talking about this... I remember I had a childhood friend who used to wave his arms like a bird when he was excited or rub his hands like Mr Burns all the time. He might have had some trauma because his parents were divorced and his mother looked like a junkie (no offence to her).

Quote

I've come to appreciate it all as various forms of self love. It does require a lack of care of how others perceive this behavior, but I totally understand how daunting that may seem for people who grew up thinking it was abnormal or strange. Your perception of your behavior is discretely interwoven with what you were taught by your family members. It can be hard when you do not feel seen in your home.

This one hit me... might have to think about that one more... Im the youngest brother of 5... Attention on me please! ?

It might not be as unusual as we think. I hope this helps

Youre absolutely right. Society likes to define whats normal and abnormal in a rather arbitrary fashion. 

 

 

 

[Rilles]

25 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

I used to do this a lot as a kid, too.  For hours and hours until my early teens.  It started when I was locked in a windowless room as a child and I found that it stopped my terror and eventually became a crutch.

That sounds horrifying... Hope youre feeling better today.??❤️

It is called rhythmic movement disorder.  It is caused when your body is not getting the right stimulation from the outside world.  Were you abused or neglected?

Constant fights and abusive punishments in my family, my father was and has always been a dictator. Might share the whole story in my Shadow Journal someday.

 

[Rilles]

28 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

@Rilles It was in interesting period in my life for sure, but I don't find the dark as much now that I am an adult - back to you - that would certainly cause a disorder like this.  Children need to be touched and held kindly; to feel safe, and rocking creates this artificially.  Baby monkeys will do this too if they are abused by a parent or deprived of the right type of stimulation.

I was treated wonderfully by my mom but Ive always felt repelled by my dad...Like i dont want to be near him... I dont think hes ever hugged me... I dont really want him to either.  

Im not gonna overdiagnose myself but Im entertaining alot of ideas now... Theres something there

[Rilles]

51 minutes ago, laptophaver said:

@Rilles Maybe you can learn about your dad's past trauma through your mom, and that could help heal the connection between you two?

Ive tried but... Mom doesnt know that much either... and sometimes shes reluctant to too much rumination... I will try more... I wish my grandpa was still alive... Then I could talk to him... maybe. I think Grandpa and my Father had a pretty stormy relationship. 

Once you can understand why he pushed you away (or why he was avoidant in general), it could help you forgive him and forgive yourself, or it could help you understand more deeply that you did nothing wrong.

Yeah. Its hard sometimes though because my subconscious emotions overrides everything and I become angry and sad... I can only forgive when Im ready... Will keep trying.

Sorry if this came across intrusive, you don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with. No rush, you aren't your dad's therapist either, but I'm sure the love is there. 
 

Absolutely not. I appreciate all the help I can get. ??

However, you deserve to love yourself first. Your life matters. You deserve to learn about your own abundance on your terms. 

Yeah, Im gonna work on creating healthy boundaries first of all. 

Note: I noticed a trend where the youngest sibling is more sensitive (to environmental stimulus) than their other family members. If you haven't seen "haunting of hill house", this dynamic is depicted very well. It could resonate with your experience. 

Wow! Really! Thats so cool! I will have to research that! I am definitely more sensitive in general than most of my older brothers thats for sure. 

Btw a shadow journal is a great idea, you're very strong and proactive already

Just gotta keep striving. ? Thanks.

 

[Nahm]

@Rilles You rock dude. Plain as day. 

[Rilles]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Rilles You rock dude. Plain as day. 

 

1 hour ago, laptophaver said:

@Nahm yes ma'am @Rilles  is a rockstar

rockin n rollin bebby

[Nahm]

@laptophaver lol! Nice one. 

[Rilles]

6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@laptophaver lol! Nice one. 

Wam bam thank you nahm!

[Matt8800]

On 6/28/2019 at 1:25 PM, Rilles said:

When I was a kid I used to sit on my bed and rock back and forth while also tilting my neck backwards... I could sit like this for hours... It was very pleasurable... Im surprised my parents didnt take me to a doctor because I mustve looked completetly insane... Does anyone know why I did this?? was I soothing some trauma or something??

thanks

@Rilles In the occult, you can raise a lot of energy this way if you combine with hyperventilating. It can also create a powerful mystical experience. 

Maybe you were an occultist/mystic in a previous life

[Zigzag Idiot]

Athletic horses who are kept in a Stall for too long will start to have episodes of rocking side to side.

[Luna]

oh my god i can't fall asleep if i don't rock myself back and forth i thought i was the only one

[Rilles]

10 hours ago, Matt8800 said:

@Rilles In the occult, you can raise a lot of energy this way if you combine with hyperventilating. It can also create a powerful mystical experience. 

Maybe you were an occultist/mystic in a previous life

Hhaha that sounds amazing... Maybe that was my early way of meditating

4 hours ago, Luna said:

oh my god i can't fall asleep if i don't rock myself back and forth i thought i was the only one

Yep, after about an hour I used to get pretty sleepy