This is it

[sunny33]

Good day my fellow companions, 

first of all I wish everyone of you the best. I simply want to share my story and maybe get some help on the way.

Everything started in the summer 2017. After 4 days of an awesome festival in Germany near Leipzig called Highfield I was throughout and also after in a constant euphoria like never before. I drank the whole day and also smoked cannabis. After the festival we we had another little fest in my hometown. At the last days when me and my friends started to philosophize and talking about mysticism etc.

So all of this started my journey and switched my whole life arround. I got a strong psychosis probably though a lot of changes in my life and a lot of happening in a really short + different states of consciousness (drunk + stoned). I also did coke once. So I moved the summer to vienna and my first psychosis + mania started.

Long story short. I got severe shift in consciousnes in a psychotic stage. I got really extroverted and felt like god. In conclosion I was 4 times in the psychatrie were I never got the help I really needed because I am 100% sure that this was infect spiritual awakening.

I got into mathematics, mysticism, physics, math, religion etc. it was also like my subconsciouss mind opened and it felt like I was lucid dreaming in a wake state. Thats the only thing how I can describe it. But with this shift a lot of changed. So did my ego, because I got really deluded in some ways because what I did not understand was that I touched something that was greater than me and my ego mind claimed it. So I did some really stupid things.

There were also stages of non dualism when my mind was really empty and I became aware of my subconsciouss projections and the most impressive ones were also that I understood that I was in a dream. I had phases were I understood that the ego doesn't exist and its imagination because my mind creates the reality.

Time is a construct and everythings happens now. When I was in my lucid state I wasn`t sure anymore if I was even myself (body, ego) or the the person I was talking to. Really strange things happened, like someone gave me 300 Euros for a picture I drew for him (I tried to be an artist). I got really hooked with the number 3 and 33. But the real shit is this all happened without searching the internet or looking in books. Deep down I knew I wasn't sick but it was something bigger. Synchronizities happened and a lot of stuff what would really take a long time. After all that I started to become interested to what happened to me. What was this shift? I started searching the internet for anwers and got good help: Infinite waters, actualized.org, sadghuru, eckart tolle, third eye, pineal gland, c. g. jung, rupert spira, joe dispenza; alan watts, albert einstein.

There are a lot of questions now about synchronizites, projections, consciousness, dreaming and so on. A lot of mind stuff.

I realized (thank god) that I am not my mind and the I is simply a creation of the mind. The question Who am I? I am really helped a lot, but now I am at a point where I really don't know what to do. And this probably my own ego being afraid because I had glimpses of nondualism. Sometimes a shift in my mind happens especially when I am drunk or on weed again. I lose the self of I and I am consciouss that I am all that there is when I am in a bar or something. Its like a profound feeling I know the other person even though we never met. Really hard to describe.

On time when I walked in a bar in the after hours I had the exact same feeling and I couldn't hold back because I felt like everything I looked at and it was simply beautiful I started crying and a sweet girl just hugged me. So profound beautiful.

When I am the now everything looks also way clearer and more profound. I really can not see individuals anymore like I used. "Oh, look at this stranger, what an asshole drinking beer right in front of me"

 

In some way I want a instruction handbook to make the best out of this illusion/dream because I really like it. It's beautiful. But I also have struggles because when I had a non dual conversation and it felt like he was thinking what I was thinking and it was all so smooth but I didn't even think and all was coherent.

When I had those lucid conversations I had some really deep insights and I really felt them when the other told me for example: "You have to let go" or "Your personal story is not that important" or we when I was aware I was all the others arround me they said "Hey man, we still like to talk and have a conversation". When I am lucid it really feels like a dream, I feel so free and empowered and more loving.

There is also a problem because of my experience and having these strange conversations in the now with I think "myself" (when it feels like the other person is you and everything arround you is also you) it is strange when I am meeting my family or old friends of the because I somehow understand past and future doesn't exist and I really don't know. Such a mindfuck. Like is my mother even my mother? This feels so shit because when I am in my ego and I look of pictures of the past it fucks with my mind and heart. Really strange...

 

Do you guys think I am deluded? Or do you had similiar experiences? Have you guys advice for me? Thank you very much if you read all of this <3

[Ninie]

I can relate to every word you say. My spontaneous awakening also started with a psychosis (it was SSRI induced, but whatever) without any pre-knowledge about spirituality, nonduality or anything. And it happened 2017 as well, by the way. I was also deluded and did a bunch of stupid things and thought of myself as a god and a messiah, but still I know that experience was IT. The state was a genuine awakening. If only I had someone to guide me then and help me differentiate what was true about my state and what was illusory and ego-driven.

Eventually I got "cured" but anti-psychotic medication and eventually it all faded away, my ego got constructed back and after some time my previous mental illnesses got back as well. Though to this day I strive back to getting back to the same state, this time consciously and knowingly. And seeing the truth and then losing it pretty much hurts.

But ok, no more about me.. What I would advice you is not to lose that remnant of a nondual stage that you are experiencing, even from time to time. Continue research about awakening/spirituality/nondualism, watch leo's videos, and try not to cling to the previous "experiences", although they may have been marvelous and life-changing, and I believe they were. The state you once spontaneously reached needs to be worked on, integrated in everyday life, or else the ego will soon take all the strength back, as it did in my case. Try to remain in a real reality as much as you can and do not chase after "mystical" experiences. Synchronicities and everything are real, but that's not the main point of realising the Self.

Youtube videos and spiritual books could be a great guide for you. Also you can message me in case of any questions.

Best of luck <3

[MrDmitriiV]

@sunny33 Don't dwell high in the clouds without proper wings.

Many actualized.org newbies completely neglect the foundational work, without which you'll get lost.

[sunny33]

Thank you very much my friends. I can totally relate about the ego driven spiritual messiah! I actually know what to do and this is meditation and self contemplation + mindfulness. Not clinging to the experiences and to the past is also a really great advice. Thank you very much. Thank god I know that I am not my thoughts. I just let them pass and don't react to them because the mind is a trickster. I don't know if realising the self or enlightenment is my goal. I wont set goals. I will live and do my stuff without attachment and let things flow.

Don't dwell high in the clouds without proper wings is a really good quote. I came to near and burned haha

As sadghuru said, what really is true. Everyone can tell you anything but it doesn't matter if you believe it or not. Someone can tell you they are god like leo and someone else can tell you that their experiencing three lifetimes one at the time. As long as it's not in your experience you can only believe. But experience is key in life. I am grateful for all that is happening.

 

But I wont clinge to any spiritual teacher or guru. I think life itself is your guru if you don't try to control it, but what do I know :))

3 hours ago, Ninie said:

But ok, no more about me.. What I would advice you is not to lose that remnant of a nondual stage that you are experiencing, even from time to time.

My whole perspective changed. I don't really see indivduals anymore when I am in the bus or on the street. It's like my whole vision for the world is different. This is neither good or bad. Life just is. I became way more appreciative for everything. Trees, birds, rain, the geometrys in waves, or a simple reflection in a window. Life is beautiful!

[Nahm]

Wow, awesome share. Like MrD mentioned, a foundation is likely to prove to be quite important. Diet, psychology, theory, practices, a vision, etc, namely in continuing to go deeper within. 

8 hours ago, sunny33 said:

This feels so shit because when I am in my ego and I look of pictures of the past it fucks with my mind and heart.

Consider reinterpreting that as realizing the limits or barriers you’ve placed on Love. I hear you, but imo it’s not the pictures, mind or heart. It’s the “I’m in my ego” thought...usually followed by the mixing of thought & sensation & time, making a story that doesn’t feel good, because it isn’t true. It arises in a protective manor. 

A thought can’t think, and a sensation can’t feel. Thought is distinguishable from sensation. Dial into sensations, let the thoughts go. Label the sensation and point to the location of it in the body - understanding as a visceral connection / release will arise. Notice how thought story ‘trys’ to weave someone else into it, and or a past or future story, and notice how initially upon labeling the sensation, thought makes a hijack attempt, such as ‘resentment for something Bob did’. What is the sensation itself though, without the past + Bob?  Not going to say it’ll be easy, but the emotional intelligence factor is cumulative. 

 

7 hours ago, sunny33 said:

There is also a problem because of my experience and having these strange conversations in the now with I think "myself" (when it feels like the other person is you and everything arround you is also you) it is strange when I am meeting my family or old friends of the because I somehow understand past and future doesn't exist and I really don't know.

No problems in not knowing, just be amazed in the miracle. Wanting to know, thinking a thought is known, those can be problematic with regards to recreating ‘a knower’.

 

Just an idea for you, but maybe record yourself describing all of this. That way you aren’t tempted to ‘leave the now’ memory wise, or feel so much like you need to figure things out. You might be less drawn to past / future / self thought stories knowing you can listen to your recording anytime. If you do that, please share down the road.  (The experience, not the recording)

Life is Beautiful indeed!

 

[sunny33]

Thank you Nahm, this is really helpful. I will give my best to stay in the now without letting my mind tell me storys and hijack me in the past or future. Letting go or stiop wanting to know and understand and really enjoy the miracle of life is probably the way

 

 

Taank you

[tedens]

@sunny33 Life is a joy in itself.