Hello everyone : New Member : sad self story

[M4sti]

Hello everyone, my name is M4sti for you,  and i am coming from Greece. i am 27 years old. 

 

The past two years of my life, i am trying as hard as i can to find a path for me. And i decided this is the best site to make a shot at, after long time of investigation and thinking.

I lived all the other years of my life being the ultimate impersonation of nihilism while not being conscious about it the whole time, all resulting from a period of my 15-17 where i had severe depression , panic attacks and extreme psyschosomatic symptoms, resulting from??(Ego blames narcissistic parenting). Some symptoms nature was so physical and real that still to this day i can not believe how the mind had created them without a pathological problem in the backround, i remember one day , after every 3-4 heartbeats, and so with the third or fourth heartbeat i was feeling the blood going through my necks veins with so much density and bulkiness that someone could see the veins are throbbing from 30 metres with naked eye, i put my hand to my chest and no surprise, this was happening because the heart , again, every 3-4 heartbeats, was stopping for maybe even up to 1.2-1.3 seconds and then it was giving a beat so hard that would throw my hand away from it. When this happened i had already visited any doctor possible i already knew the response of me complaining about this stuff is gonna be mockery and anger from my enviroment. I gave up everything, i gave up life completely and my ego was constructed in such a way were nothing was a goal anymore, it was just day in day out, eat, sleep, movies, porn, video games a tone, you get the notion. 

 

I remember this stories every time my Ego's current situation gets cornered , same thing happened when i dropped the university were somehow i endend up with no real intentions , after spending years doing nothing the time had come , and the truth was gonna be revealed, i was not doing anything there , absolutely anything else than satisfying this sick Ego, and letting the familly know would lead to qonsequences that it would not like. Then the insanity unfolded, i created a story, a story to blame everyone else instead of myself, to keep this as short as possible, 1) I concluded that mother is the ultimate narcissist and is ressponsible for me being this way and for my earlier psychosis. 2) As if this was not even enough i started making insane thoughts that all the symptoms were physically imposed by her to me , this is called Mynchausen by Proxy when a caregive intentionally causes harm to the one he is responsible for in order to gain sympathy attention etc. from now on i will speak for both of this thoughts that i have  and why they make appeal  to me(2nd) and absolutely certainty for first. 

1)Before it all spontaneously happened i was actually fearless, the roles were reversed, mother was worrying about my health, and i was making fun of her, the thought that something can happen to me never ever crossed my mind.

2)This syndrome is way more common among narcissists.And people who were neglected by their own parents, for the first, no i am not clinical psychologist and this test needs two years, but i bet everything, if the best doctor came out and said she is not, he does not have aproxximately an infinite amount of information i do have on her through my life. For the second part , she told me the story of my grandies neglecting (exact word ) her... she failed suicide 2 times by extremely luck , for some reasons she only trusted that to me and nobody else knows. 

3) First day of the events, look now some insane coinsidences, i was not allowed for no reason to sleep at the bottom house(and repeatedly) (every other time it was no problem).

Started feeling unease, tried to communicate her from my bed to the other room where she was in, it was 30 past midnight,she was awake, i did not know what was happening to me i was feeling very weird, my heart was beating very fast, a bit of sweat, and an alteration of aweress which is hard to describe presicely. She guessed it, tachycardia, said yes, she told my father, after a while i started having spasms in my whole body and i went to the hospital, did all the checks and everything was fine. 

4) Meets the bahaviour of the incentive. All the time, every time she got first talk to the doctors, sided the doctors, spoke for my symptoms for me instead of me, "nah he is prolly feeling this and not describing it well" "he is just a bit tired and nervous", by changing the tone of the voice down 5 notch softer(PSYCHOPATH)(does this all the time even now when she has to change from personal (to us,familly)  to social(everybody else). Was on the phone with every single friend of her for hours, talking about how poor little thing is having a mental break down, and how hard it is to care for him and what she was going through, in front of me, who was supposed to be going through nothing.. , to me it looked like she was looking for this, for everyone to tell her how hard this is, she was chasing it, no way was focusing on the problem itself. 

 

5) Physicality of symptoms as i explained before, after all of this i had tachykardia for the rest of my life, but wait a minute, there is a huge difference, there was something extremely mechanical in the first few times, specially the second and the third, it was looking purely mechanical, i was litterally not feeling bad or anything, i would feel my heart beating like crazy without feeling anxious, and i would change position in the bed to maybe make it stop as it was something trivial( was told was fine after first time in hospital). 

 

6) History of early childhood, poor boy , seeing it from my point of view now i can see more clearly  ,i was under a 22 year old woman who tried to kill herself just 5 years ago.Guess she was in no position to raise a child,not to talk about emotional stability. 

    1) So what do i have here that makes my mind go wild, i remember having nightmares with my own mother, i dont know if i was even 3-4 years old, this dream felt like reality, it had a vivid feeling it was lucid , some guys broke  into our house, and they came to kill her, and they did, then her spirit came over the place i was normally sleeping but feeling awake, and told me that this happened because of me, that it is my fault. And i felt like shit.

   2) This one is beyond crazy , beyond, what i know for sure is that my mother was sitting in the living room discussing with her friend and i entered the place, and i said something , i said the word that means slut , i am very young there still, 4 years maybe, but i have another vivid memory, this all came to me when i was trying meditation for first time and self-hypnosis, i originally had forgotten about this incident at all , something told me that she set it up, as a memory, her spelling in my ears while i was playing with some toys, that when *** comes to the house, come and say "slut". It ended up with me getting a slap so hard its impossible to forget, the other woman was stunished, she said are you fucking crazy how you hit the child like that, my mother said, well you dont know what he said, he called me a slut, i left the room, but if i am not sure of  the memory of her putting the words to me, i remember super clearly that i had no clue of what happened and why, as if i did absolutely nothing to deserve that , and not knowing the value of the word. 

 

3) I was sleeping in the same bed with her, i was having a bad dream that i do not remember, and what i did was, i grabbed her hair and started pulling her violently (not conscious of reason) , she woke up in shock and asked what the fuck i was doing, i said i thought it was brother, 3 years younger, which for some reason i thought until my adolescense it was perfectly fine to hit him at every chanse until we grew a lot older , you see i was already a devil. 

 

4) 3 incidents of hallucinations that are extremely hard to explain their causes. 2 of them when i was 7-8. It was all starting with a fever , then my head was in pain, mother did put me in bed, i was not conscious that i  was human by that time , i was hearing airplanes and bombs , radio playing some weird incoherent speech,  but all this sounds were not normal the sound field was altered heavily, making it look impossible to distinguish sources of sounds with sound itself, it was like sound as a sensation was covering the 90% of the awerness, the visual field was messed up as well, the ceiling was half ceiling half sky sometimes random objects will fly trhough that space , there where black  colors like objects constantly changing their position and size by vibrating violently all over the place,  covering the whole 3d visual field, meaning that i could see 15 of them between me and what it seemed to be ceiling.Yes of course mother was aware of that, and when i told her if there was war on the Tv i just remember a small laugh and asking me why i ask that then nothing.  The other one i dont remember when it was, maybe close days by,  maybe same day even. I was again at the bed , consiousness was extremely altered than normal and than the previous incident, the state of this concsiousness is just undesrcibable, but i have an event , i tried to reach the door, i was feeling that i had to go for toilet, but something crazy happened, when i walked throuth the carpet, i got stuck, i was moving my feet to walk, but it seemed like there was no floor, or the carpet was slipping infinitely below my feet, like this joke you see in comics where somebody is staying in the same place because instead of him moving forward the carpet beneath his feet is taking the motion. and it lasted  for one minute or so,  i  also noticed while  i was stucked in the same place, with my altered consciousness and awerness that my movements were mental projections, and that my body was actually still the whole time like by purpose, so i was seeing 2 hands, and 2 other legs that were emerging from the body and were  trying to move and one other body that was still, and i started to run, and the legs and hands were going faster and faster but they were not the hands and legs of the "real body i guess?"  they had no control, the real body was staying there like it was frozen and nobody was inside it to do something., but there was no visual distinction between the extensions,  they were looking exactly the same, even though everything was lookingextremely different than normal already. I fell down , i got up and finally opened the door and felt like i was inside the body and in control again, went back to sleep because...there is nothing else possible to do in this state i guess and then i cant remember what happened next. 

 

The last one i was older,like 10,   i was at school and i had a crazy headache, i asked permission to leave but got denied, when i went for house after some hours i dropped to my bed feeling sick, i was dreaming about video games, i woke up and had double vission, and dizziness, my mother was on the floor, that stance where you use the wall to keep your back up and your legs straight on the floor, she told me where i was going, i said toilet but she got triggered imidiately, i was seeing everything double, when i tried to get back to the bed i lost consciousness completely, i woke up lying on the couch, and my mom was calling my father to rush home because i collapsed, and stayed this way for 5 minutes, she said my eyes rolled back and stayed open for a while , showing completely white, what is crazy here is that when i woke up, i was feeling like i could go for football just for fun or do anything , no scared, no bad mood, not anxious , nothing, i was saying to her to calm down and that i am fine. Everything just magically dissapeared somehow and i was completely healthy from not being able to speak coherently. 



5) This woman has shown psychotic behaviour that if she was to be played by an actor the actor would suicide faster than Ledger. i guess you should have guessed by now that she was extremely physical when we were younger, i remember her stinging my brother with her hand while cringing her teeth like a total psycho  and i got scared not for him but she could break her own teeth for real, like she was drawing energy from his pain,  one time it felt like she became another self, a self that was 5 years old and for like 10 seconds the act was unconceivable to my mind, it was litterally what happened  , what the hell was this there was no reaction possible to do, our familly is a madhouse in denial, we meet all the criteria for the narcissistic familly, the father is just her pawn, he is just absent and not enganging with anything ,unless she says something must happen, then  he just bends to her will like he is not even a real person. + a tone but this already got huge. 

 

 

 When i got interested, like 3 years ago to investigate this again , and snapped out of my filthy pleasure cycle.  I just said, ok i can see, maybe all that happened is because of our relationship, and the way she treated me, all the dissonanse , the injustice, the feeling why the hell is this happening, this is not how familly is supposed to be, all the projection she does on me, blaming my character etc, i said ok i understand , i just need a plan to escape all of this now and do something for me, and forgive, but when i thought of the case of the intention, i lost my mind completely, everything came to surface, i had done nothing for myself, no studies no self investment no work not skills, ultimately nothing, and my mind started believing it , i believed that there was intention from her by medicince or what the hell, and i went blank, for first time i realized how suicide was possible, i thought there is no way someone can suicide in almost under any circumstanse, but my feet like they were seperate for me, they wanted to move for the balcony, i could not believe , it was the hardest urge to resists ever, i went out for a walk , the next days were horrible. 

 

No matter what is the truth of this story, no matter who is ressponsible. This is the place where i finally found some peace, channels like Leo's , Teal Swan, the term meditation and getting some knowledge around it by itself, Alan Watts, i would have been done for completely, because no matter what is truth after all, i would never see it like this, i would have lost the game completely, for me it is sure that my Ego is the devil, thats the last thing i would have thought by myself, basically i would never seperate myself from it, thats more important i think, because in the end i was already bashing my Ego but through the perspective of the Ego. It feels like my mission is to kill my potential in every way possible or even myself, even if "others" tried i only helped them. That is the best description of my reality at this moment, there is no better languange possible to use, a languange that atheists and most people do not use to describe reality very often. By the way the tone of this writting, has not big emotional invenstement in it even if it looks like so, i describe everything as if i am seeing it from third person perspective now. It is more a matter of wondering, contemplation, what does it all mean, so i can use it only for benefit in the future, it is just a story that i can get aware of its meaning , and if i get aware of it i will just move on, and live at now. But there is really nobody to discuss this with. There is this bitterness, the kid had potential, like real potential, i was writting sentences at 3 years old, i was reading , i trolled my father intentionally , i went in front of him and read the newspaper backwards without mumbling a bit and he started running like crazy screaming. They told me i was a genius, not smart, they said i was special, i was years ahead of my peers and i should skip classes. But the virus was already there, and it was growing and growing under my awerness. Now i feel like a low consciousness abomination in comparrison to what i should have been by now, i feel my IQ is 1/10 of what could have been , my life experiences my skills everything.

 

 

I tried to make something happen, i had an idea , i started playing Poker with the dream of making it big, and doing the great escape, and maybe even a comeback later, that was it, if i can make this, i can use the money to study something i like, or live a life the way that i like by being independent, but through that mind state and psychology i was in , compined with how hard of a sport it is , the time and mental invenstment it needs for mastery, let alone the money that i do not have. It is a miracle how it did not destroy me even further, i was into it, it was another addiction, i stopped video games that made me tilt and go monkey and replaced it with Poker. All and all i made about 10.000$. Which i spend on survival needs and rent. So there is only one work to do, and that is self-invenstment, and it looks like this is what this forum is about.Even with my limited knowledge as a newbie i  have experienced how the mind can change in a profound way , when i follow my simple  meditation for a week or so, 1 hour per day, i am already something else and completely changed, i feel calmer, less neurotic,maybe  it makes sense that if you are in the bottom it could be beginers gains. 

 

I have a programm and a plan, involving a lots of work. Fixing my sleep schedule, fitness, health, studying about spirituality, working on spirituality, studying poker, working on poker, pretty much same goes for everything and lot more. Any advice would be helpfull,ir you can ask anything you like.  I would like to see what you think of all of this and what is your interpetantion  

 

[Gili Trawangan]

I gotta be honest with you, this was too long and I didn't read all of it. But around your age I had a lot of physical symptoms that had been created by the mind, I had real diseases that doctors couldn't make sense of and they gradually went away as I worked on my psychology.

As far as your family issues go, I think you need to grieve. That means going into the memories and actually feeling what your child-self felt. When I was able to do this through a technique called EFT (and others) I sobbed like a little kid and understood what that child had gone through. After that, there was only relief, no more blaming of my family. The emotions get trapped in the body and need to come out somehow.

Finally, don't demonize the ego, it's there for a reason and it is what allows you to experience this life, both the good and the bad.

[M4sti]

@Gili Trawangan Thank you for your reply.

 

 I think that naturally i tried to do something similar with you but by instict and not with a technique,maybe the reason i did not get the results i wanted. 

I did not mean to demonize it completely, but rather demonized the demonized part of it in me, if that makes sense.