Marijuana and spirituality - need some help

[Ninie]

Hello. I've smoked the plant for only 10 times or so, not more. It hasn't ever been a tool to relax, sit back and enjoy for me, on the opposite - always hyperactivating my psyche, expanding my consciousness and bringing all the shit on the surface - or exaggerating what's already in there, idk?

Last time I smoked three days ago and I'm still very confused and anxious. The experience was like this: I became aware of all energetic blockages and stuffed pain/energy in my body parts, I was clearly feeling how each emotion was creating a feeling in my body and then consequently expressing itself in my resting muscular tension -  the way I feel myself. I became aware of the origin of the heaviness on my chest and throat and those nervous coughs that I have. I saw how much I was acting, how big was the need to be liked, approved and praised by other people, and how I was saying the things I didn't actually want to say. And MOST IMPORTANTLY the narrative constantly going on in my mind - I don't know if weed just made it clearer for me to see or actually strengthened it - but I have this constant commentary going on in my head, like my mind is writing a mental journal of what's going on, and then writing a mental journal about how it's writing a mental journal about what's going on, and so on.. always compulsively describing everything rather than just experiencing things and letting them go. (to the point that it's one of the things I take my ocd/depression medication for). And on this last time I clearly saw how it was connected to the ego's desire to preserve itself, to survive. Constantly writing the story of the illusory self, to retell it to somebody, to create the illusion that you are not alone in your experiences. Also I saw how stopping this narrative and just being in the present moment, experiencing the present moment by yourself ceased the tension in my chest/brain/everything, and other, greater energies got activated, but this thing was huge and very overwhelming, like taking the most important last step of surrender. And the mind, this bastard wanted to take part in this too - it wanted even to control the process of surrender - but the thing is, you can't surrender and also be in the control of the surrendering process - that which my mind is so afraid of, letting go of control and also letting go of thinking about letting go of control : ) so pretty much I acknowledged that this constant narrative=illusion of having control, illusion of 'knowing and recording what's happening inside me'.

The thing is, those boxes aren't closing back even on the third day and it has become little pathological - I'm anxious as fuck and can't concentrate on anything cause it's like I'm losing control of what's going on and then I panic. Instead of accepting all the above-mentioned and just letting go more, the mind keeps overanalyzing everything and expresses it in very disturbing emotions. The only relief is sleep and I sleep excessively (might be the physiological effect of  cannabis) I might have to take benzos again, like I had after my previous cannabis 'trips', but I really don't want to. I did meditation/yoga/chanting this morning, but made me feel even messier and weird somehow.

Also, my psychologist has told before that all this is just some mind noise created but extra energy which I don't manage to spare in a sexual or any other way. I agree with this, but also this thoughts and conclusions seem to have some truth in them.

I'm really alone inside all of this. What should I do now and what should I do generally ?(like, is smoking cannabis and opening all the curtains of the mind gonna be good for me? do I escape all this or dive in more deeply?). 

Any advice is needed, except repeating all the mainstream stuff that we already know here. 

 

[Anton_Pierre]

@Ninie You shouldn't be smoking cannabis, it can put you into your lower self and make the intellect blunt, which requires a lot of re-sharpining. It can have some good experiences the first few times but no more.

[Natasha]

@Ninie I heard pot doesn't activate the right receptors for consciousness work.

[Anton_Pierre]

@Natasha It does, but it's dims down in effectiveness over time and you are left intellectually incompetent. 

It's an addictice substance also and because it puts you into your lower self (lizard brain) you can truly see you are not the mind or body, however you need to do a lot of breathwork to get out of that place of fear.

And you need to never be tempted by it again. All people who smoke weed say it's not addictive, but they are lying to themselves.

However, overcoming strong addictions can be beneficial in spiritual growth as you won't have desires for subtle addictions e.g. porn, junk food, procrastination etc etc.

But, you need to be able to overcome subtle addictions first, you can't be addicted to chocolate bars and porn and expect to play with drugs.

Edited June 26, 2019 by Anton_Pierre

[Ninie]

@Anton_Pierre The only reason I smoked cannabis this time was that I felt completely blocked and depressed and I wanted something to 'open up', and I knew it would to that. But it opened up not in a calming and and relaxing euphoric way, but rather in an anxiously eye-opening way (I knew that too). And I don't even know anymore to trust what I'm thinking and feeling or just to consider them as hallucinatory 'cannabis effects'. 

[Ninie]

I now feel huge energy moving in my body, mostly in my throat/chest, and if for a minute I manage to stop thinking/judging/analyzing and surrender, than it's sweet and healing. But this doesn't last and the mind uses this energy to generate more and more obsessive thoughts and then it becomes overwhelmingly disturbing

Edited June 26, 2019 by Ninie

[montecristo]

weed stacked with armodafinil really turbo spools up my ability to generate insights, VERY enjoyable, free flow journaling at it's best. But yes, it's HIGHLY addictive. Depletes dopamine levels and makes you dopamine insensitive = amotivational syndrome.

[Anton_Pierre]

@Ninie It will go away bro, just stay concious of your breathing and focus on self-improvement. If you write down positive goals that won't ruin your life you'll move towards that there will be no worry ;). But stick to positive vibrations, and high conciousness only.

Edited June 26, 2019 by Anton_Pierre

[ajasatya]

When I smoked weed, I just felt retarded and paranoid.

[Ninie]

Thanks for the comments, but you guys are only referring to whether cannabis is good or bad, not the whole story of mine that I've put here. There are more points to be commented on than whether to smoke or not. Anybody??

[Anton_Pierre]

@Ninie Don't worry about the story you constructed for yourself, create a pleasant story, where you overcome your challanges and you do spiritual practices such as breathwork, meditation, cold baths etc to help you face your fears head on. 

[Anton_Pierre]

@Ninie No more pot! Learn about your bliss body also, I feel it will help you.

https://youtu.be/sQminvzRA1I

[Ariesleith]

honestly dont want to read all of it, but I read the first part. There are some really great techniques that I have found that I would like to share for the energetic blockages,. So, i think it would be cool if you tried dummo , which is a really effective yoga coming out of for clearing blockages.  plus this source (link down below) will show you, uh, allot. ty

 

https://selfdefinition.org/tibetan/Garma-C-C-Chang-Six-Yogas-of-Naropa-Teachings-on-Mahamudra.pdf