How do I self actualize in a Totalitarian household?

[Peter124]

I want to self-actualize myself yet in my house with my parents, I feel pressured to lie about my identity and hide my true opinions, feelings and lifestyle from them. 

I love 80's rock,try to practice spirituality sometimes and sometimes see the world through a non-dual lense 

Yet, through this progression, I'm always pulled back to egoism, lying, scheming, manipulation, anger, sweating, cursing, negativity, sometimes breaking things and/or punching myself out of anger, and extreme anxiety, boredom, unsatisfaction and fear.

Because of the fact that my parents are so demanding that we live and breath strict right wing conservative Christian values, and act like dictators in that, 

Bags and rooms are sometimes searched for weed and threatened to be kicked out if found out. 

Never allowed to voice my own opinions, thaughts on things or voice disagreement. 

1. Freedom of speech is banned 

2. There is NO freedom of religion or freedom from discrimination based on religion

3. Protection from unwarranted search and seizure 

4. Freedom of belief or world view 

5. Right to Criticize or peacefully protest

You are always pressed and searched before we go out anywhere, 

Where we're going, how long we'll be out, what time we'll be home, what in my pockets, what did I buy? 

It's just so frustrating! 

And I always feel suffocated and like I have to lie. And also, sometimes I do wonder if I am a bi-sexial guy and if I could experiment.

That's obviously not something I can talk about either considering I'd probably be kicked out for just asking. 

And lastly, I feel too ashamed and guilty to even meditate or be spiritual because I sometimes feel like I'm just spitting on the face of spirituality through all my lying scheming manipulating swearing cursing and letting my anger get to me at times. 

The reason I put this in the self actualization column and not family situation is that I want advice for how I can effectively be me and self actualize while still not having to worry about my parents kick me out. 

Because I'm fairly sure if that happens, my entire life will be over as in, I may any hope for a good future, end up homeless not wanting to be taken in by my  friends for too long or maybe, maybe... 

Be so devastated I'd commit physical suicide. 

[CreamCat]

You take freedom and rights for granted. They won't be automatically given to you.

Edited June 26, 2019 by CreamCat

[Natasha]

@Peter124 A path of self-actualization is a lone hero's endeavor. Leo even made videos about it (linking below).

As you start on this path, expect to be misunderstood, criticized, shunned, and seen as weird by less conscious people.

Don't be discouraged, though, you are not alone. You've found the right place to connect with like-minded people who will understand, support, and cheer you on your journey.

 Hugs

 

[Truth Addict]

22 minutes ago, CreamCat said:

You take freedom and rights for granted. They won't be automatically given to you.

You have no idea how his life situation actually is, and neither do I. But please respect that.

I take your comment as an insight you got lately, or something you're struggling with.

@Peter124

Hang in there. I know how hard it is, but it will inevitably pass.

I find meditation to be the best way to find inner peace and stillness. From there, I ground myself, think, and act. Everything becomes much easier and clearer when you're in the flow of the moment. The point is, meditate as much as possible (out in nature if possible).

To me, my journey wasn't about expressing my thoughts or living a certain lifestyle. Actually, when I dropped that, my life got way better.

Also, try to work on building a foundation for a good future, baby-step it, no need for rushing. Learn a skill, develop a hobby, possibly an art, maybe find some job.

Psychedelics are a red line for you right now. Forget about them completely for now.

Of course, these are all just my ideas and suggestions. I don't actually know what your life situation is like. Use your own wisdom.

Best of luck!

[hamedsf]

I totally understand you...

with lower emotions you're doing the self-sabotage and self-sabotage is also a kind of an action which is in opposition with the direction of self-actualization! 

try to do things more passive-aggressively or be manipulative towards your family members in a very softer manner. try to push them little by little everytime softly not being angry toward them or...

and then ultimately, think about moving away from there and try to learn things to make you independent financially or psychologically. ( I know it's way hard to start to think about it but start the process anyway )

self-actualize yourself in this tight situation, you know psychological growth happens right in the harsh moments.  

 

Edited June 26, 2019 by hamedsf