Huge Depressions As Consciousness Work Continues

[Guest username]

After my first seeing, I feel as if the ego has come back stronger. I have had bouts of more intense suffering than I can ever recall; every past trauma seems fresh. Is this unusual? I ended up taking a few days off of meditation and at one point thought of giving up, but I am going to keep pushing if it kills me. In someways this has been more liberating than anything I have ever done, but there are certain times where it just feels like its all for nothing and I am wasting away, making excuses for not pursuing resources or pleasure. Could anyone help me understand what I am experiencing?

Edited December 18, 2016 by ElenaO
The author asked for an edit.

[Azrael]

Had the same thing after an initial seeing back in November 2015. After 3 weeks of complete silence, joy and being identified with pure knowing, I had 2-3 months of complete horrors. That's normal, just go on. You'll learn to live with that on the way + if you had this a few times it looses power and you'll just relax into it either way. If you really learn to manage this, it can be a quick way into deeper realizations.

@Ayla wrote a beautiful post about the topic:

 

[Huz]

17 minutes ago, Arik said:

Had the same thing after an initial seeing back in November 2015. After 3 weeks of complete silence, joy and being identified with pure knowing, I had 2-3 months of complete horrors. That's normal, just go on. You'll learn to live with that on the way + if you had this a few times it looses power and you'll just relax into it either way. If you really learn to manage this, it can be a quick way into deeper realizations.

@Ayla wrote a beautiful post about the topic:

 

which post is it called? its not loading for me?

 

[Azrael]

Just now, Huz88 said:

which post is it called? its not loading for me?

http://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/2328-mind-attacks-after-initial-seeing

[WelcometoReality]

@username Like @Arik said it is common that ego will attack to try to gain back control. Also these past traumas that is resurfacing is ego falling away. There might be past experiences that you thought was resolved that is resurfacing, ego has a way to really hide these things. As these things come up notice how they are stored as tensions in the body. Usually in various parts of the belly. As you focus awareness on these parts the tension is loosening and they resurface as emotions and thoughts.

It can be quite overwhelming but stay as awareness. It will stop once it's run its course.

[Huz]

@Arik did you monkey mind amplify after you started do nothing? So say after your mediation, during the day you were experiencing the monkey mind in more intensity? 

[Azrael]

5 hours ago, Huz88 said:

@Arik did you monkey mind amplify after you started do nothing? So say after your mediation, during the day you were experiencing the monkey mind in more intensity? 

Yes, in some phases this happened. During the meditation and / or after. But it's not as linear as that. For me it is/was very cyclic. In the first year of doing this I had several phases of real brutal monkey mind, deepest fears coming up etc. I had times in which I was completely convinced that I'm mentally ill and that this is probably going to stay, just because of the intense purging of shit out of my system. I'm very lucky that I didn't give up and that I pushed it even harder. Right now, I'm experiencing the fruits of this work. But this takes time and I will have at least a few more very brutal phases in front of me. But you learn to manage them on the way. Just go on. It's all progress.