Beautifully Yet Disgustingly Lost

[gian]

Hello, my name is Gian and I am a 27 year old male currently living in Cleveland, Ohio. I have been absorbing material from Actualized.org and other self development YouTube channels for several years now and it has all helped me become a much stronger version of myself and aided in a new perception of my life. 

My current situation: I have my BA in Psychology and received my MBA last May (2015). I am currently working in retail in the health & wellness industry and doing some freelance social media marketing work. I know what my main passions are in life (music, health, wellness, nutrition, fitness) and am getting a better idea about what areas to look into for a better "career" but I still find myself mentally stuck.

My background: I am an only child from a middle class family. My parents were very loving towards me but they had a very bad relationship and I witnessed almost constant emotional abuse between them the majority of my life. My father was also disabled which that, on top of other personality traits have effected me in more ways I would like to admit.  I had a good social life but struggled with anxiety, major depression, extreme self hatred, and suicidal thoughts throughout my teens and into my early 20's. I am honestly surprised I accomplished all that I have in life with such negative ways of seeing myself and the world. I have had a good number of relationships (serious and casual) with various women throughout my life but I always push them away and distance myself because of my underlying insecurities and feelings of worthlessness that still exist (although others see me as very confident and positive)

Since around 2013 I have been watching various personal development channels on Youtube and they have all helped me a great deal. I would not know where I would be today without them. However, life is always one big emotional roller coaster that I have been able to control more and more, but it still hinders me a great deal. This last summer was a big awakening for me when I ruined a potential relationship with an absolutely amazing woman because of my distance and perceived lack of interest. On the inside I felt worthless and inferior, and outwardly I projected interest in only sex, and more of a "friends with benefits" mentality.

I really began to realize the extent of my self sabotage not only with relationships, but with my own life as well. I have always felt "different" then the average person (or my perception of the "average person") and I feel I was somehow using that mindset in the most negative way and it lead to my further indecisiveness and lack of action. Although these personal development videos and information are great, I have let myself get stuck into consuming them and consuming them without much action.

For the past several months, I have been (semi) consistently meditating, visualizing, writing affirmations, nofap, etc. I know I am going in the right direction, but I still find myself wasting time regarding my new job search, constantly comparing myself to others, paralyzed by anxiety and negative thinking (conspiracy theories, the well being of my parents, what others think of me, etc). It's like I go for a few weeks with great productivity and ambition, then others (like now) I feel very depressed, drained, and hopeless.

Sometimes I feel like "I am in a great spot I am 27, just got my MBA, I am very intelligent and have so many opportunities and goals I want to accomplish...the world is at my fingertips." 

Other times I feel like "I am 27, I don't even have a good paying job yet, I cant decide what to do, I am immature and should be so much more successful right now, I cannot hold a relationship, I am constantly worried about the well being of my family, what's the point anyway the entire world is collapsing before all of our eyes, I am a failure."

I feel like I am an intelligent, fit, attractive, and passionate man and understand my own psyche as well as the world around me, the reason for my hangups, abstract concepts, etc....But, I just don't know where I am or what to do at times. I feel bad for even posting this self loathing mess of run-on sentences because I am so lucky to have everything I have and should be constantly filled with gratitude. I have come such a long way mentally, but some days I feel like I really haven't come far at all.

If you have read all of this, I sincerely thank you. I know this is somewhat of a long jumbled mess about someone you don't even know, but being able to express my current feelings to a positive community like this is so amazing.

I guess all I am asking for is some feedback, personal experiences, and/or advice.

Thank you so much and I am very excited that this forum has been created and get involved in future discussions.

-Gian-

[Ayla]

Always start from where you are. Longing and striving only make things worse.

Judging yourself wouldn't help either. You know how a mosquito always bites you in the worst place? That's how our personal challenges are. What I mean is that, for each one of us, his/her personal problems are the most demanding. So you see your own challenges. OK 

Like I said, just start from where you are now and decide what it is you want. Then take one baby step forward. Then the next...

Here's some photos for you!

 

[Leo Gura]

You're walking the path now (or crawling on it) so let that be okay. It takes a few years of consistent effort for the fruits to ripen.

At your age -- basically all of the 20's -- you are in a struggle to find your identity and establish your financial independence. You are still just learning how the real world works and it's difficult and scary. Just keep in mind that this is a normal phase of human development. We all go through it. (Some of course better than others.)

Focus on finding your life purpose. It will ground you and give you some solace. Keep building good habits, trusting that it will all pay off in the next 5 to 10 years.

[JustYou]

I am on the same rollercoaster,one day all my life is great for me and with certainty leads to a greater future the  next day i am no good enought and nothing around me is good enought.That which have helped me a lot is to see from different perspectives the "bad days",for example to see them as opportunities to step back and reevaluate my doings and habits or as opportunities to just relax and love my self without expetations from me to behave  a certain way or to feel good.If i see the world and my life as meaningless or bad or wheatever ITS OK deep inside i know thats not true for me but i dont fight against my negative persectives, i allow them, see them better and learn whatever i can about me from them.

To see "bad days" as not that bad have helped me a lot. Also another thing that have helped me is to stay with my bad feelings and become better at feeling them.Our "bad" feelings and thoughts aren t bad inherently and by invite them and know them  better "bad days"  become soother and soother for me.

Edited February 8, 2016 by JustYou

[gian]

23 hours ago, Ayla said:

Always start from where you are. Longing and striving only make things worse.

Judging yourself wouldn't help either. You know how a mosquito always bites you in the worst place? That's how our personal challenges are. What I mean is that, for each one of us, his/her personal problems are the most demanding. So you see your own challenges. OK 

Like I said, just start from where you are now and decide what it is you want. Then take one baby step forward. Then the next...

Here's some photos for you!

 

@Aylathank you so much for the response! 

[gian]

@Leo Gura Thank you so much, Leo. I feel like I am getting a better idea of my life purpose from your videos and other resources I've checked out and work I have done. Right now my passions lie in health, wellness, and nutrition and educating others about it. And how nutrition and lifestyle choices can improve life dramatically. I currently have a retail position in this area, but am stuck in taking it to the next level as I have an MBA and not a nutrition degree (even though I feel very confident in my knowledge on the subject). I am looking into corporate wellness jobs and related areas, but I find myself losing motivation thinking Ill just get stuck in something I won't enjoy (also from not getting any replies back)

 

But I know I need to step out of my comfort zone and my fear is getting in the way. I have already turned down a few good paying positions in sales because I knew my heart would not be in it and I would be "selling out"

 

I feel like all I am doing is making excuses and I know I am responsible for where I am in life right now. I know I am going in the right direction I just feel like I am never enough nor am I ever doing enough  (when most of those around me think I work too much)

 

Anyway, thank you for the positive words and I know I will find my path in time.

[gian]

@JustYou thank you! This is a very good perspective to have regarding "bad" days, emotions, etc. I really need to focus on that mindset more frequently. 

 

Much appreciated.

[Dhana Choko]

Your childhood has many similar elements as mine. I feel as well that self-development and spirituality has "saved" me but I am also in quite a similar place in my life, I also have a degree in Bsc in Psychology but where I live one need's to have a Masters' Degree to be a psychologist, so I am a bit stuck as well. I am studying to try to get into a university to do Masters but we will see how it goes

Well, that turned out to be a bit of a story about my life, but I guess what I am trying to say that there are many people in a similar spot and I guess it is just a part of life to sometimes experience times where you think nothing is happening and it is not going as fast or as great or as amazing as one would hope. Still one day when we both look behind our lives, I am sure we can be proud of the time we used to educate ourselves and do work with ourselves. I am sure it will lead into amazing things for both of us. Good luck. <3

[gian]

@Dhana Choko Thank you very much for the uplifting words. I know many people like ourselves are going through similar situations and to hear directly from another that they are feeling the same means so much. 

 

I really do have a deep down feeling that things will work out, it is just a matter of bringing it to my conscious state and living with that vibration more and more each day. 

 

Best of luck to you as well!