What lies beyond the fringe of the woods?

[tom rAy]

meditation - done
5 min concentration practice - done (from now on it's a part of my daily meditation routine)

I tried to sleep a bit more after, lied in hypnagogic state for a while, then was thinking about life, and suddenly after some conclusions that my life situations are much better then I thought I bust into long and load  uncontrollable laughs. I was  laughing  for like 10 minutes and without much of a reason. It was an awesome piece of self-amusement

I clearly see now that I need to normalize my sleep pattern cause now it's all backwards. So I'm taking this task for the next week 

Edited July 15, 2019 by tom rAy

[tom rAy]

Workout in gym -done
5 min concentration - done
1 hr meditation - done

going to bed  at 6 am. That's progress

[tom rAy]

Going to bed  earlier when you are not sleepy some days makes me to feel slightly miserable  and hence think miserable thoughts. Feeling like I just can't let go and accept being with myself and let myself being in piece. But diving in this feeling may give insights. 
The other night I've realized that I still care to much about thoughts and opinions and feelings  of others. Especially relatives and people I know well. I want to be mindful of that  from now.

Yesterday I did 1 hr of meditation and 5 mins of concentration. Concentration practice with the right object feels powerful.
 Despite the fact that I went to bed at 5 am, still couldn't fall asleep for few hours and woke up 5 30 pm.  

[tom rAy]

One of the recent realization was that social connections are very powerful for achieving things and developing, it's very useful to seek out new social interaction and find people who you could work together on something or exchange value. Other people often can do some thing better then you, when you do other things better, I often experienced benefits of it. 

Today I was  very neurotic for a while. Especially when I finally started to work with commitment and motivation and one hour in the audio interface lets me down and stops working. Me trying to fixing it doesn't work, even reloading the laptop that always helped now didn't work, so it really triggered some frustration and anger within me so much that I threw a cup full of tea all the way to the other end of my room. And then picked it up and smashed that glass cup into the floor. And that's me who haven't really had any problems with that sort of emotions since I was a kid or I thought I haven't, turns out I don't know very much about how to handle it.
My eating wasn't great also, all I ate throughout the day was basically bread and cottage cheese. And I wasn't a bread eater just before 2 weeks ago. So I want to make my diet more beneficial by sticking to those two rules from now:
- not eating bread more then once a day, 
- not drinking coffee more then once a day.

Last night and the night before I noticed that I can easily relax my whole body deeply when I lie on my back. Use to do it deliberately when I was practicing autogenic training and other relaxation techniques in the past. But haven't done it this deep in a long while. Now it like appeared on itself. 

Meditated 1 hr. Going to do concentration before sleep.

[tom rAy]

I need to create powerful and positive daily routine. Especially around my work.
Block time seems to be a right technique for this. 

So I'll try for the next 7 days working on my record for two 90-minutes blocks throughout a day, everyday. Focused and without distractions.
Another piece of routine I want to implement now is going to bed before 1 a m any day.

I need to improve my diet more also and make some easy routine out of eating and cooking. 

Found myself watching and re-watching  a lot of basic self-help videos. This is exactly what I need  now when I'm in the right mindset to start implementing the useful techniques right away. 

Meditated today for 1 hr when I woke up. Was one of the hardest meditations of this month, couldn't sit properly still and wanted to stop.
Going to do concentration before sleep again.
 

[tom rAy]

Concentration for 5 min, meditation for an hour - done, after waking up.
2 90-minutes blocks of work - done. I see from it how little I can do in 3 hours, and I could work more. So I'm adding the third block for this week. It's better to finish first two of them before noon.
Somehow I also managed to play a video game for 8 hours straight this morning. 
 

[tom rAy]

Had a lucid dream today. Expected it to happen after that much gaming.
I tried to meditate in this dream. Sat there with my eyes open, but some force started moving me up and down in the air, so I couldn't be still.
I remember having intention to enjoy the dream without trying to change anything. Also met Putin the, was asking him about his life, like what would he do if he didn't work as  a president. 

The meditation this morning was very different. I did my 5 minutes of concentration and started my 1 hour meditation when I woke up. The technique was active detachment (releasing thoughts when I notice them). Halfway through my state changed. I wasn't thinking anymore. I mean I still had some thoughts passing by but it didn't feel like I was thinking them, they were coming and going somewhere on periphery like distant sounds. At the same time I had feeling of pressure in the front part of my head, above my left eyebrow. 

Completed three  90-minutes blocks of work throughout the day. First two were in the morning and were more productive I think, then the last one in the evening. 

Worked out in the gym.    

[tom rAy]

waking up early (4 am) - done
concentration (10 min) + meditation (50 min) - done
three 90-min blocks of work - done + an hour of not so focused work of backing up the files
 

[tom rAy]

Today is the 30th day of my journaling and the 32nd day of daily 1-hour meditation. 
Now I can say that my life is really changing. I finally acquired  a sense of going somewhere, and I acquired a vision of what I want to create with my life, at least short-term (1 or 2 years). It feels like the downward spiral has turned up. I'm more mindful of my thoughts and emotions better understanding their nature and how they affect me and each other. Though I went through some side effects   and release of strong emotions, now I feel happier then before, not experiencing the negativity that I had before, so my depression is dissolving. Another important change is that  I'm getting  more disciplined. I've started to build a healthy routine for myself.  And the vision gives motivation.

I made some plans in the beginning of the month but the only things that I followed through were meditation and posting in the journal. Regarding the rest of the plan, I've changed it. Now when I've got a vision I should plan the things I do towards actualizing it.  

For the next 2 weeks I'm going to keep meditating every morning (10 minutes of concentration + 50 minutes of active detachment) and journalling  and working as much as it is sustainable for me. Then I'm going to leave for a summer trip.
I should write about my vision and strategy here later to cement it. 

Now about today. Today I was slacking off. 
Meditated as before after waking up, worked out in gym, but worked on my project only for two hour, for the rest of the day doing mindless things and drinking coffee. But it's alright today, it's  expected, I'm changing my life a lot after all.

[tom rAy]

Weirdly reducing the meditation time made it harder to meditate all the way through, I think I'll stick with one hour.
Still struggling to work for 4,5 focused  hours, can't do it on some days. And I still need energy to cook and clean and workout etc.
Though scheduled work  has already given me some flushes of creativity.