The end is nearing

[Psychonaut]

I can feel it. It is coming closer. I have seen it in my own eyes. Nothing is starring back. Empty eyes. The frequency is increasing. Once every blue moon, became once every two weeks and has become every week.

I try to express my pain, I try to let it out. People don't take it serious. I tell them I have seen red. I have starred at my arms and have already felt the blood gushing out. The great relief of being let go in peace. 

I sabotage myself. I stab myself psychologically. I create false realities in which I am unloved just to torture myself. I get pleasure from inflicting pain, even though it is hard to see. It is not by accident. It is on purpose. This whole text is just a fiction of my own making. Just to get attention. I know it is not real. 

I have been at the point were I could have let go of my body. I never have because I am being kept here. I just want to leave this place. It bores me deeply down inside of me. Why can't I leave and be free? Please let me go.

On the one hand my life is too good to be true. I am happy most of the time. As soon as something opposes my reality it crashes. The whole thing falls apart. It is so fragile it can fall like a house of cards. On the other hand I am extremely calm.

I stare down a hole with no end. A never ending fall. I am in terror I might land on the bottom of a pit. However I will fall forever. I will let go. I as in my highest energy will always love myself. I will not give up on myself even though I fight myself. 

What if the next time I go through this I stop at the 2nd paragraph?

[Omni]

Are you looking for advice? A shoulder to cry on? Someone to relate? A sense of relief? Someone to nudge you off the edge?

What if the next time you stop at the 2nd paragraph?
Perhaps you're not afraid you'll land at the bottom, you're afraid you'll be lost forever. And what you may be avoiding is the fact that you're not staring down the pit, you're already within it.

 

 

[Bill W]

Have you thought about using the mental health sub forum? Might get more support? 

[Pharion]

It's hard to really give any advice or respond to your post unless you were more specific. It seems you are talking about thoughts of self harm / suicide here? I encourage you to reach out for help in a more accessible way. There are people that want to help you if you let them be that giving advice or relating with your story or receiving counselling.

[bejapuskas]

7 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

I can feel it. It is coming closer. I have seen it in my own eyes. Nothing is starring back. Empty eyes. The frequency is increasing. Once every blue moon, became once every two weeks and has become every week.

I try to express my pain, I try to let it out. People don't take it serious. I tell them I have seen red. I have starred at my arms and have already felt the blood gushing out. The great relief of being let go in peace. 

I sabotage myself. I stab myself psychologically. I create false realities in which I am unloved just to torture myself. I get pleasure from inflicting pain, even though it is hard to see. It is not by accident. It is on purpose. This whole text is just a fiction of my own making. Just to get attention. I know it is not real. 

I have been at the point were I could have let go of my body. I never have because I am being kept here. I just want to leave this place. It bores me deeply down inside of me. Why can't I leave and be free? Please let me go.

On the one hand my life is too good to be true. I am happy most of the time. As soon as something opposes my reality it crashes. The whole thing falls apart. It is so fragile it can fall like a house of cards. On the other hand I am extremely calm.

I stare down a hole with no end. A never ending fall. I am in terror I might land on the bottom of a pit. However I will fall forever. I will let go. I as in my highest energy will always love myself. I will not give up on myself even though I fight myself. 

What if the next time I go through this I stop at the 2nd paragraph?

You know it, but you do things wrong in practice  Why are you doing that?

[Psychonaut]

11 hours ago, Omni said:

And what you may be avoiding is the fact that you're not staring down the pit, you're already within it.

I am.

11 hours ago, Omni said:

Perhaps you're not afraid you'll land at the bottom, you're afraid you'll be lost forever.

I will be lost. But I not that important, am I? Hard to accept though.

4 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

You know it, but you do things wrong in practice  Why are you doing that?

I think I want to feel it. I know it is not real, because I can feel a sudden too large shift in my perception. Knowing it is not real and knowing that it will pass keeps me from killing myself. However I cannot get out or maybe I don't want to get out actually. The pain feels so real and so overwhelming that even though I know it is not real I cannot make it stop. All I can do is wait it out, do nothing too drastic and hope it goes away. 

It reminds me off the time I used to get panic attacks during the night. I would wake up in the middle of the night unable to breath. All I would feel is how I am suffocating. In that moment it doesn't matter what I think. It will be drowned out by the overwhelming sensation of death right in my face.

Maybe what I am experiencing is a mild form of the panic attacks I used to get. Anything that reminds me off my dissolution just triggers a whole overreaction that feels like it is out of my control.

[Florian]

@Psychonaut try to accept that you just wrote this to get attention, that's okay. Reading that text I got the feeling that what you need is attention but you subcounsciously believe you are not allowed to express that you want attention. Im not a psychotherapist though, just what occured in my mind after I read that text.

[bejapuskas]

3 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

I think I want to feel it. I know it is not real, because I can feel a sudden too large shift in my perception. Knowing it is not real and knowing that it will pass keeps me from killing myself. However I cannot get out or maybe I don't want to get out actually. 

This is true, but why do you want to torture yourself like this? Is somebody else doing this to you? It is because of your life situation?

[Psychonaut]

On 21/06/2019 at 3:58 PM, bejapuskas said:

This is true, but why do you want to torture yourself like this? Is somebody else doing this to you? It is because of your life situation?

Not sure why I do this. I know however that some part of me (probably ego) doesn't want to be happy and enjoys to see the other part of me suffer. It is almost like older parts of me that are still floating around are unwilling to accept unconditional love and fight it. 

However what I have found rather interesting is that my crashes have actually only started since I have been engaging in relationships with girls. From my observation it almost makes the impression that I subconsciously want to see if she still "loves" (cares about) me when I am beaten down like this. Even though the beating was an internal beating. It seems like something is subconsciously testing my girls to see how strong the connection is and if she is actually able to pull me out of the dirt when I am beaten down. 

I met up with my girl on friday evening, which was the day after I crashed so hard. After we parted I noticed that the colours were more vibrant and I felt normal again. It was very nice actually as we hugged for a long time and she said that it felt like she was melting in my embrace. 

I probably really just wanted attention though. It took her quite a while to actually get me back into my body. She touched me a lot and kissed my neck an so forth. At the beginning I didn't even really feel it and ignored it for the most part. She first thought that I just had a bad day. 

These depressive crashes are really starting to worry me though. It is like my vision and senses become clouded and a part of myself retracts and is gone. Colours are bleak, food doesn't taste, there is no energy and motivation to do anything. It is like my brain chemistry is thrown out of balance and then requires a bit of time to stabilize again.

[laptophaver]

Quote

"I sabotage myself. I stab myself psychologically."

Silver lining: through your suffering, you produced a really beautiful flow of expression. Not to be devils advocate but catharsis is stunning, you're tapping into something very profound. Stay strong please. Just know I'm listening. 

[bejapuskas]

2 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

Not sure why I do this. I know however that some part of me (probably ego) doesn't want to be happy and enjoys to see the other part of me suffer. It is almost like older parts of me that are still floating around are unwilling to accept unconditional love and fight it. 

However what I have found rather interesting is that my crashes have actually only started since I have been engaging in relationships with girls. From my observation it almost makes the impression that I subconsciously want to see if she still "loves" (cares about) me when I am beaten down like this. Even though the beating was an internal beating. It seems like something is subconsciously testing my girls to see how strong the connection is and if she is actually able to pull me out of the dirt when I am beaten down. 

I met up with my girl on friday evening, which was the day after I crashed so hard. After we parted I noticed that the colours were more vibrant and I felt normal again. It was very nice actually as we hugged for a long time and she said that it felt like she was melting in my embrace. 

I probably really just wanted attention though. It took her quite a while to actually get me back into my body. She touched me a lot and kissed my neck an so forth. At the beginning I didn't even really feel it and ignored it for the most part. She first thought that I just had a bad day. 

These depressive crashes are really starting to worry me though. It is like my vision and senses become clouded and a part of myself retracts and is gone. Colours are bleak, food doesn't taste, there is no energy and motivation to do anything. It is like my brain chemistry is thrown out of balance and then requires a bit of time to stabilize again.

I suggest you to stop blaming the ego, because that's what a distracted person does. There is only you there, there is no you and the ego. Do you feel like you have no control over your feelings and emotions? You actually have it, just stay focused on it, don't trail off every time you tell yourself that it is not the right time. It is always the right time to stop suffering, but God's deceptive mechanisms are really powerful. Do you meditate?  

[Psychonaut]

@bejapuskas Maybe I need to suffer? Maybe I actually need to feel what I am feeling? This is a "poem" I wrote a few months back.

no way out

There is no way out
I'm stuck in a cloud
I have to feel it
To let go of it

@laptophaver Glad you see it this way. I went back to when I started writing and found this poem from last year. It's a bit raw and unedited.

A beautiful mind

My mind is everything
It is my greatest asset and my biggest curse

It creates heaven
It creates hell

It has the greatest potential
Nothing comes close to the potential of a human mind

But like anything that has great potential
It can go both ways

It can go to hell
It can go to heaven

Every day it has to be taken care of
Anything that is left alone will degrade

There is nothing that gets better if you leave it
Only things that are alive can get better

Everything else degrades
It breaks, falls apart and changes until it is something else

The mind has to be taken care of
Anything that goes in stays in the mind

One has to be extremely selective with what one puts in
Anything that goes in has the potential to grow

A single wrong thought can grow
It can grow and create an entire parallel universe

To the point of being completely untrue
An entire world created as a fantasy of the mind

This can be nice when it is heaven
When heaven is created in the mind it is beautiful

But the mind can also create hell
A single thinking mistake or wrong belief can cause that

The entire model of the world crashes down
It collapses in itself and burns

Everything changes because of taking the wrong turn
Taking the wrong turn and landing in a dark alley

But whenever a wrong turn is taken
Wherever this takes the mind, it has to be walked

The alley has to be explored
The alleys want to be uncovered

The places that are rarely wandered want to be seen
Light needs to be brought forth to them

Awareness and wisdom arise from wandering
Wandering the places of the mind everyone is afraid of

One can get lost wandering in the mind
It is endless, it is alive

It will continue to produce 
It will always come up with new paths to wander

It is alive
Anything that is alive will continue what it does until it is dead

The mind will never die
Only when I die, I will take the mind with me

My mind is beauty
It is empty and yet full of surprises

Whatever arises I can see it
I am aware and see it for what it is

I am curious
I want to know what it is

But the mind can also take me away 
Away from what actually is

It can trap me
Trap me in thoughts

But I always find a way out
I will always return to what is

To what I feel
What I feel flowing through my heart

A deep sense of love and compassion
Pain too, so much pain and suffering

But I will not close my heart
I will not close down to the pain

I will continue to try
I will choose heaven every day

I will leave the world a better place
I will help the people that want my help

I will leave the people that don't want to be helped
I cannot help them

I will continue to love them
Even though I cannot help them

I will focus on the people that I can help
Someone else will do the job for the others I am not supposed to help

Infinite wisdom
Endless love

True compassion
Deep gratefulness for being alive

These are my mantras
I love myself and will live by them

[bejapuskas]

@Psychonaut  Sure, you need to feel it. But you don't need to feel it all the way until you leave your body, that's the difference. You need to embrace your suffering, then accept it and get rid of it, there is a way out. You cannot help others and radiate Infinite Wisdom and Endless Love, if you don't help yourself first. But your suffering makes you believe, that it is meaningful to suffer and that you are helping someone with it. That's a lie.

[StarStruck]

Only thing you can do wrong is not talk about it. Find therapist or start recording your own personal podcasts and listen them back and take notes. 

[Commodent]

http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

[Litaken]

What you are writing about is very real, you probably feel guilty about writing about it because you think you shouldn't be like that.

You need two components to solve any problem in your mind. You can figure out something new from what's already in your brain, and the outer world, other people, etc .. that's the first one. You create new knowledge using your mind. But these information might be wrong, because you are only human. Building new knowledge based on something that is wrong sooner or later will find a contradiction. You don't know where you are wrong, you just know that you are. Your mind can find the contradiction but doesn't know the original problem, because it's way harder to find the solution than to see the problem, just like everywhere in the world, in your mind too  Most likely you got it from someone else who thought it's right, and it fit your knowledge then, or assumed something that is wrong.

That's where the second component comes in, which is removing information, or assuming it's wrong, and try to prove you found it by creating new info with it being wrong! But it's hard since every knowledge you have you think is right! Try to remember the last time you got frustrated over something, and started questioning everything that's related, eventually finding out where you were wrong and solving the problem? Do you feel the same way now? There are all the things you think are right, but something must be wrong, because you found something that just doesn't make sense! So you are seeking where you are wrong, trying to remove the knowledge where this mistake is.

There is a part of your mind that makes you create knowledge, and a part of you that makes you remove knowledge. Removing is the harder part, because you are searching for a needle in the haystack, which you are not even sure if is there, and doesn't even look like a needle before detailed investigation.

So you are frustrated which puts you in remove mode, that's what you are doing to yourself. In fact you are shifting between create and remove mode, based on what you are writing! That's essential to solving any problem. In create mode you feel calm, but in remove mode ..  Don't get scared, you won't lose anything useful, you are just making yourself questioning everything you know, because you are still not finding it! This is the purpose of frustration, to make you question what you already think is right, because you know something is not! "you think you shouldn't be like that." ..

I'm not a doctor, but I know Leo has the answer, that's how I found it. There is a contradiction in you that you can't find. Hint, I only seen a couple of hours of footage from him, nothing spiritual.

"Maybe I need to suffer? Maybe I actually need to feel what I am feeling?" This is very very very close to your solution from what I can tell. Think about the things you think you need, and check how you feel about them. Then think about the things you don't need. Can you find a pattern?

Remember: what the hell do I know?!

Edited June 24, 2019 by Litaken

[tenta]

Are you psychonaut from looksmax.me?

[Psychonaut]

I feel really bad. I have been feeling really bad for a while now. I wrote the following text yesterday. I just read it and I don't know. The problem is that I believe it. At least partially. If I break up with my girlfriend I will most likely fully believe it. I have been together with my girl for about 1.5 years now.

Quote

I have never really had a girlfriend up till now. I will tell the story of what is real but I am too afraid to admit or accept as real. I had a pretty bad experience with a girl that lived in my dorm for half a year. I had sex with her but it didn't work out. This was a really dark time and heart wrenching. I had never experienced this feeling of 'disgust' expressed towards me. I'll never forget that it is like being the cockroach in the eyes of someone else.

Then I install Tinder and meet a girl. She is much thicker than in the pictures. At first I don't recognize her on the date and I am actually disgusted. I don't show it and don't want to have sex with her. Well I go to the bar with her and eventually it seems like it is time to decide if I ask her to my place. This is the mistake I made. I think "Let's try whatever I don't really care". I didn't even put much effort into what I say and she comes along to my place. This is the last time she will see me sober for the next few months. It wasn't great either, but she says we can try again some time.

Two weeks later we meet again. This is the first time I am on acid. We meet every 1-2 weeks which is perfect timing for taking acid. It is low doses but still. To be honest and this is a sad confession to make. I don't really like having sex sober anymore. I am either on acid, on acid and weed, some mushrooms or some cocktails of nootropics stacked with microdoses of acid. I never told her to what extent I use drugs. I am almost always high when we go somewhere. It makes me hypersexual and cocky. We have a lot of sex and I am always high. I once took acid in the morning on a weekend we spend together and she doesn't notice. We have sex like 7 times. I fucked her until she had cracks in her skin. We go on a trip to Zurich one day and I am high on 2C-B which I dissolved into water so she wouldn't notice.

I don't tell women anymore how often I am high when I have sex with them. They think that I need to take drugs to get horny and I am not actually attracted to them. Which I am in fact not. Drugs make me much hornier than a woman could ever do. A sad realisation, but I have trained my brain to think this way. I am almost always high when I masturbate. I am so in love with myself it is almost infatuation. When I am high I can always have whatever I want. I make it real to me. You know how there is a difference between doing something and being there and fully feel it while doing it? I can and will flip the switch when high.

I ran out of weed a while ago and stopped microdosing acid this much. I prefer to get high on 5-MeO-DMT nowadays. It's not something that one can hide so I just do it on my own. I have started watching live webcam girls again. It feels like cheating to me because it is so real to me. I can even get off on the fact that it feels like cheating to me. I feel like that for some people they get off when cheating when they imagine the pain they can inflict on their partner. I sometimes do that. It's a dirty kind of pleasure. A kind of pleasure that you know will cause pain later on. A forbidden type of pleasure. That turns me on too. The pain that I will feel later.

Sometimes I just feel pain. I walk through the store and all I want do is cry. Cry for what a person I am. How nothing feels real to me anymore. How I will die and there is nothing I can do about it. How I want to tear down the entire world when I think how I am going to die. How I want to punish anyone that is keeping me here by not allowing me to kill myself. How I want to see everyone that loves me suffer for loving me. How I want them to die so my evil picture I have of myself is not challenged. It is just pain I feel deep down in me. There is something pressing on the nerves of my teeth. A piercing pain rushing through me. It doesn't go away. It is just underlying everything.

This pain is what I want others to feel. I want to feel how their world falls apart. How they die inside. I want to abuse their trust. I want to do what one is not supposed to do. When tempted I want to give in to the temptation. Give into the pain of being unwanted and cast out. I want to lie and pretend I care when in fact I don't care a lick.

In the end I want to lie when I am asked if I am just pretending. I want to lie and say that I love her.

She gets a loop and I want her to think how she got it for me when it is taken out. I want her to remember me every time she is reminded that she still has something in her that she got for me. I want her to know that I never was turned on. I was always high and would have had sex with anything. Then I was turned on because she wanted me. And then I realised that I never really was turned on. I want her to know that she never was good enough. I want her to know that this was just a game to me. I just kept her around because she loved me. She was stroking my self inflated ego. She should have never told me that she would never break up with me.

I have been thinking of breaking up with her from day 1. She has actually asked me If I was thinking of breaking up with her once. I lied and told her I couldn’t remember really. In fact I was thinking about it almost every day.  I was just interested how it would play out. I was interested in the movie and its story. There was always something keeping me from breaking up with her. First it was the loop, now it is her pending big exam and then it’s a holiday together. After that there is nothing. She has asked me already if I am just staying together with her because she asked me to not break up with her during her exam period. Then she asked me if I am going to break up with her after the holiday. "Because after that there is nothing more to do, as we have done almost everything together". The answer was always yes.

I get off on the fact that I am together with someone that I think not worthy of me. Just so that I can say in the end I was never attracted and she was never good enough. In fact no one is good enough and I think everyone is unworthy of me. That is why they also don't like me. I don't care about them and don't care if they feel it either. Her friends don't like me. When I break up with her they are going to tell her that they knew it. It is going to make her feel worthless. Her friends told her that I am bad and she always defended me. She always thought I was good.

I love this predicament. I love this falsehood. I love when she tells me how happy I make her feel. How no one has ever made her so happy. I don't tell her I feel nothing. The person she loves doesn't exist and it is not me. I am not that person. I love her like I love every person, but not from person to person.

I see the abyss. I see the chasm. I see never ending depths. The endless fall into nothing. I stare down it right now and all I want is to jump into it and let it take me away from here.

I am a coward. I wrote this whole thing so I don't have to tell me girlfriend to lose the weight she put on during the lockdown. So that I can then say that she is still not good enough. Hahahaha I am so lost.

Then I went back in my diary and I found this writing which I wrote about a year ago. My girlfriend found it, but I told her that was not the way I felt about her.

Quote

 

You knew it and I knew it

It was coming at some point

The point were it breaks down

Where the fantasy is revealed as an illusion

 

Everything I ever said was just to make you like me

Deep down I do not care about you at all

In fact I hate you and what you are

I hate the very fact that you even exist

 

It drives me insane and all I want is to hurt you

I want to betray you and make you feel what I feel

I want you to feel what I feel for you

Deep disgust and repulsion at the mere existence of you

 

I made you fall in love with me by manipulating you

I never was turned on by you, have you ever noticed?

I wait until you are begging me to fuck you

I wait until I am turned on by you wanting me so much that you are dripping wet

 

I am turned on by the fact that you want me to fuck you

I do not want you - ever, in fact I'd be happier without you

I just keep you around because the longer you around me the more I can hurt you

The more you care about me the more I can use myself to hurt you

 

I enjoy seeing you suffer and I enjoy making myself suffer

I even enjoy watching you suffer by making you suffer through me

I live for the suffering I can inflict on you

You care about me, but I don’t care about myself

 

In fact I enjoy stabbing myself and hurting myself consciously

It is so easy and funny how I fall for it over and over

For how I can make myself believe something and create hell

I know exactly what thoughts to plant to cause the most suffering

 

I know exactly what to make real and what to make unreal

I create suffering by changing your world

It is so funny how stupid you are and how weak

I love seeing you break because you asked me to infest you and kill you slowly

 

And then there is this from February this year. I just feel like its one common thread throughout these writings. 

Quote

 

I am in the process of letting go and especially of my demons. They tend to make a huge scene and this text is one of them. It is like a last standoff of why they cannot be let go off.

You let me inside of you. No, in fact you begged me to be inside of you. You wanted me to destroy you. You wanted to bring evil forth through you. You wanted me to do it for you. You didn't want to feel responsible. You wanted to be able to say that someone else did it. But it was you. You are the evil one, you want to be evil. You are afraid though. You don't want to be the evil one. But you are powerless and weak. What makes you think you are powerful is your last attempt at having any say here. But It is you, you have created this because you wanted to experience it. You wanted to experience hurting yourself. You wanted to twist your own world. You wanted to feel the pain because you like it. You like the suffering, it gives you comfort. You take recluse in the pain. The pain we all share and you plunge into it. You are addicted to it. You want to feel it. You will do anything to feel it. You will warp your world and flip it upside down. You will turn love into hate. You will turn certainty into uncertainty. You will turn voluntary choices into traps. You will turn freedom into prison. You will trap yourself in your own mind.

You are sick and you know it. You can create anything in your mind and you can believe anything. You can see what you want to see and feel it. The rush excites you. It excites you to go further and further into whatever extreme you want to go. You see what you desire to see. If you desire to see getting caught by the police and killing them. That is what you want to see. If you want to feel the pain of someone visiting you in prison, but never being able to reach you, you will feel that. If you want to feel their reaction when I take over and nothing is left of you, you will feel it. When I take over nothing will be left of you.

 

I can't believe I am that person, but it keeps coming back in my writing over and over again. I honestly also don't feel like people understand what I feel even though it is written here in plain text. All these texts felt real to me in the moment I wrote them. I can't read any of them without crying. They are specifically written in a way that they hurt myself, because they 'could' be true.  

[bejapuskas]

@Psychonaut  Do you notice yourself being selfish often, do you inquire in this direction? 

[Nahm]

@Psychonaut

Try to notice the distinction between grandiose thinking / sizing up your whole life, all of reality, etc....and the profound simplicity of what’s present now. When you notice the spiraling out into thought occurring, bring attention back to seeing, hearing, breathing and feeling.