I've realized i'm pursuing spirituality partly for very selfish reasons

[GroovyGuru]

The last couple videos that Leo has posted have been huge. The one about survival and the one about relativity were absolutely mind blowing and perhaps two of his very best videos in my opinion. I've begun noticing how everything that is done, every action that is taken and every emotion and thought present in both myself and other people boil down to the need to preserve the ego and sense of self. I have been examining why it is that I'm even pursuing spirituality and why it is one of my biggest interests in life. There are definitely some genuine reasons I am interested in this work. I can sort of intuit that the only thing in life I can be certain of is that I am certain of nothing, and that there lies a very deep truth that can be realized that will shatter all suffering and attachments to this illusion I have created. However, there are also many selfish and egoic reasons that drive me to continue this pursuit. I'm a bit ashamed and embarrassed but I think it is important to realize these things. 

For example, I have this image of myself being a 20 year old man who possess knowledge and wisdom that the vast majority of people don't even know exists. I feel like having these awakening experiences and beginning to tap into the Absolute will give me a sort of image unlike any other person my age and will make me stand out and seem unique, and this sounds very nice to my ego. Also, I feel like beginning to awaken to the ultimate truth will result in the dissolving of all of my fears, anxieties, and worries, which of course is very selfish in itself. A specific example would be the fear I have about what I'm going to do with my life, as the degree I am soon going to earn is of little interest to me and will not lead anywhere that matches my values and what I appreciate and love most in life. I feel that pursuing spirituality will resolve these issues I have, however I am also aware that upon actually having awakening experiences, there will no longer be a self to try to protect and preserve. 

How should I go about pursuing spirituality after realizing my selfish reasons for pursuing it in the first place? Perhaps the answers I seek can only be understood after having some awakening/non-dual experiences, of which I have had none to this point. This is my main goal as of now, is to actually have a direct experience. I felt I have came close several times when mediating after smoking weed, which I have found to be MUCH more intense than sober meditation.

Anyways, Thank you for anyone who bothered to read and respond.

[Inliytened1]

Yes your ego will come in and want to twist enlightenment for it's own deluded needs simply to move you away from ever discovering Truth.

The simplest answer is to be in a state of not knowing.  When mediating simply try to be present and free of thought.  Notice thoughts will appear but just let them go and bring awareness back on awareness itself.

This will allow you to connect with Being - the formless.  

For me the path was to start with self inquiry that allowed me to become conscious that i was consciousness.  But i did the do nothing no mind meditation as well and still do.  That's all i do these days.

If egoic selfish thoughts come in go meta and dismiss them.  Then move on.  Keep the mind open and do not be triggered by your own ego.

 

[cetus]

@GroovyGuru That's the purpose of the ego. The moth is drawn to the flame.

[Chi_]

I can relate very much to all your points. I got into spirituality for the wrong reasons and only recently have I realized the selfish reasons I originally had going into spirituality. I thought if I get enlightened all my personal issues will be resolved and I will be a realized person among all my friends and family. It is funny thinking about it now. What I thought was Enlightenment is not it and never will be as you can't ever think about it.

 

One tip I can give you to make your ego more humble and dissolve a bit is to do a volunteering service. I highly recommend it. Selfless giving will put others wellbeing in front of your own and it will definitely calm your ego down. Do you know the Isha Foundation? They have many opportunities to volunteer for many spiritual activities(mainly yoga) 

Edited June 21, 2019 by Chi_

[passerby]

yeah man i'm the same too. also a big reason was I wanted to know whats gonna happen to me and my family when we die, and obviously you wanna think your gonna have this big realization that its "all gonna be alright bro" lol which will just make the rest of your life easier in immeasurable ways y'know  

[Chi_]

@passerby Yeah exactly. It's very tricky because eventhough actually nothing may matter in the end, we can't use it as an excuse until we reach that level of consciousness becauce we will always suffer until we get to that level, regardless whether suffering is an illusion or not becauce for whoever not enlightened suffering may seem very real. 

So I think like @winterknightsays here a lot we got a lot of emotional issues to deal with first before seeking for deep spirituality and it might be hard to admit it in the beginning becauce your ego will want to pursue enlightenment instead of digging into your emotional and mental history becauce that will be more painful and tedious. He recommends Psychoanalysis or Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy for many seekers and I gave it a try and I can see promising progress as it is quite underrated of how powerful it can be. I know a friend who completely transformed himself into something else after psychoanalysis. You get to understand why you do what you do in a very deep manner and that helps to progress in your spiritual journey for sure. 

[hamedsf]

well, almost every body has gone in the path of consciousness practices for the sake of their needs in life! I have my personal reasons for being here and perusing higher consciousness.  

to be free of suffering, anguish, pain, and bring more joy, and be brave and courageous. and doing the work for preserving Ego isn't bad at all,  again it's the game of your ego that brings up all of those negative narratives against itself.

do the damn work and don't pay attention why and for whom you're doing it! at the end of the day, serving the ego with the by product of enlightenment isn't that negative! 

Edited June 21, 2019 by hamedsf

[Inliytened1]

No you guys don't.  You just need to Be.  Free of thought and it can happen.

God doesn't care about your problems.

[Saarah]

@GroovyGuru Once you start to feel the ways you're attached to ego, it's a case of purifying your desires until you genuinely want to shift focus onto relaxing into truth rather than running to survival. Maybe focus on that journey before the actual journey, once the genuine desire is there the hard part is sorted and you can lift-off into what needs to be done, discipline effortlessly flows from what one's biggest curiosities and wants are.