The Lonely Route

[QandC]

Background story: I run a business named Conscious Motivations focusing on improving the life for people, giving them motivation and insights. I have done this in the form of coaching which for me and clients have been very effective.

My real passion is writing books on the subject of philosophy and psychology, holding lectures and connecting with people wanting to improve themselves. I have a strong passion for perspective-thinking as well.

One of the major goals of my life is to find an objective Truth, or even if there is not one, trying to reconcile subjective Truths, to understand every perspective. By being able to adapt to any perspective and see Truth in each one, being able do adapt it to certain circumstances I believe that we can find peace an solve conflicts in the world. Teaching people about these subjects is also important because I believe that ever problem comes from the ego. If people can become more aware of their dogmatic beliefs and their close-mindedness then they can start working on this to become better.

I have lived in Seoul, South Korea for a while now coaching people and training Judo. I came here first back in 2017 for vacation, first time traveling alone (I was 20 so I'm 22 now) and realised a country like this needs personal development. The ideas I came with here (westernised ideas of self-help) kind of clashed with their way of thinking in hierarchies. I was fascinated by this and wanted to continue coming here. I saw it as an escape from my life in Sweden where I held a baggage of identity. Over here in Seoul I could be anyone I wanted to be, only focusing on my purpose and perhaps developing myself.

Purpose for this blog/journal: 

• Sharing ideas and insights I have from my daily life.

• Going deeper within my purpose and making it more real. Taking abstract ideas/feelings/urges and manifesting something concrete and tangible.

• Sharing theory, concepts and growth of my consciousness as well as growth in my martial art of Judo (second-degree black belt)

Projects I'm currently working on:

• Writing 2 books: 

The Conversion (understanding the mechanics of growth and how to make lasting change) –> I explain different historical events objectively as well as adding psychological and philosophical theories and ideas to understand how growth truly happens, both externally and internally. I also add a perspective from Spiral Dynamics on top of this. I'm still figuring out the heart of the book and what it can become, working on the first chapter currently.

Be Your Own Coach (how to guide yourself through the struggles of life) –> I take ideas of philosophy, psychology and what I've learnt through becoming a life coach and clients I've had (as well for my own struggles) to create a sort of "game"-book. This is basically a book where the reader follows a character who has to go through different problems and solve them for himself using different philosophical ideas and psychological concepts. Starting out is a very basic, primitive way of solving problems, reacting in emotions etc. and ignoring the problem/wanting to only solve the surface. However the reader has to play along with this so that the level of understanding can be increased chapter by chapter. As a sort of game where in the end the reader is fully "developed", think if ot as levels.

• YouTube channel:

I haven't put a lot of focus, ever, on my YouTube channel. It was intentionally only used for clients I had but I decided to make it public. I want to grow it so I can share my message. The only problem is I'm not good with online marketing. I've always been a face-to-face person/salesman (I have a lot of experience in the sales field, this is how I got clients in the first place)

• Website: 

I am working on my website, the design, the infrastructure, and I want to create a sort of "blog" or "forum" where I show my teachings and ideas. 

• Understanding eastern philosophy, spirituality and making it practical in my life. I also want to become enlightened but after all the intellectual knowledge I've gathered around it, I don't know what to do with it. It's almost as if I've come to the conclusion that there is nowhere to go and nothing to do. I meditate every single day and I've had a few enlightenment experiences, as well with magic mushrooms, but it's not a priority. I love my ego too much to give it up. But I'm a master at contemplation (lol, you see the ego?) and it feels as if I will bite my own tail some day up until self-realisation. But I'm actually not foolish to think that's how it's gonna work. I'm just lazy. 

• Practicing public speaking (Toastmasters + others). I love public speaking, and I'm really good at it as well. I've done lectures at schools in Sweden explaining personal development before and that's something I want to start with again, and I think mastering public speaking can be a great idea so I attend Toastmasters every week here in Seoul. I will also start doing that in Sweden so I don't lose momentum! 

Main struggles/problems currently:

• My own limiting beliefs and ego, always wanting control, manipulative, great at cheating systems, ego-centric, too emotional when someone questions my beliefs and my work. I want to transcend this.

• I do not have a university education, I'm "self-educated" but somehow I find that as being a negative thing. It also feels as if I hold a judgement to myself about that and from other people. I really wanted to see how far I could go without an education and I'm very happy with my results so far. I've been accepted to prestigious universities but always declined because I did not feel ready. Also my interests are so broad and I have troubles choosing specifically what I want. Since I already make quite a lot of money for my age it feels as if it would be lowering for me to start studying. I've always held a grudge against universities since I do not think they allow free-thinking, but I've realised I cannot judge what I do not truly know. So I do have an urge to start studying, the only problem is what specifically. I think I might take one more year to truly find out. But I do WANT it and I now see the value in it, the true value.

• Aligning my life in South Korea and Sweden. I recently got my own place in Sweden, and it feels as if I could focus even more on my business and improving myself if I just live there. Before I saw Korea as an escape from Sweden but the longer I've stayed here the more I realise that I love Sweden and want to be there too. My financial status has to go "up" so to speak if I want to be able to switch more often between Korea and Sweden. I do not want to be tied to any specific place. I feel freedom is having option to choose whenever, and however. I'm going back to Sweden by the end of July again, honestly looking forward to it. Korea is just a bunch of memories for me by now.

• Am I teaching philosophy/psychology/spirituality/whatever? What am I really doing? I don't like definitions that much. I believe that if something can improve a persons life whether or not it is "proven" or just a "concept" or not from an "authority figure" – it STILL has VALUE. This is how I value, not a title or a label or a scientific model. I know these are truly important and that's why I am working on it as much as I can and also want to get deeper in my knowledge of what I am passionate about. The basic problem is I don't know what this can lead to, but that might not be a problem just me needing control.

• Losing interest in 1-on-1 coaching, which is how I've made a living the last 2 years along with another job. I only wanting to write and make videos from now on, this requires a new marketing strategy, perhaps another job to make money.

• Search for approval/always thinking in terms of value/perfectionist. I always look to be perfect, trouble letting go at times, and I always wonder what is actually valuable in society, who matters etc.

• Biological clock is totally f*cked up. I basically live in jet-lag land. I am motivated during the night and I feel manic during the night as well. So I'm always afraid to sleep because when I wake up I have no motivation/I feel depressed and I sometimes do not know what to do. I have tried all types of morning routines etc but I don't know what to do anymore. I've had this struggle for over a year now. It's not affecting my work, it's affecting my rhythm and I want to switch it. I'll try to figure out how...

 

So if you are interested in my journey and want to see where this can lead to, please follow! I am excited to start. Even if I don't have a single follower of this journal or reader I will update it because I see it as a way for me to keep my sanity, and seeing progress. I have experiences of journaling before and I made tons of growth. But I thought, why not start sharing it too? :-) 

PS: The reason I call this "The Lonely Route" is because I started my personal development/purpose journey back in 2016 by this route near duck lake close to my childhood home in Sweden. Since then I've visited there every Sunday contemplating about life, talking to myself/practicing coaching etc. It sort of became my church. I have now realised wherever I go I always walk the Lonely Route, and so do you, so does everyone. No matter how you feel or what happens in your life, the ducks will always be there, so peaceful and calm. That's how I aspire to be.

stay Conscious!

 

Edited June 19, 2019 by QandC

[QandC]

20/6:

• Stayed up all night listening to Sam Harris podcasts and watching philosophical and religious debates from scientists/spiritual people. I find it kinda funny how they spend so much energy arguing clearly not seeing it’s all relative. Geez, just open your eyes instead and look at what’s real. Right here, now. How can we improve This instead of arguing?

• Continued writing the conversion. I’m writing about the story of The Buddha, Saddharta. I write about historical/mythical stories and all of my other stories were based on living under shitty circunstances wanting something better, but this one takes the opposite route going from a kushy lifestyle wanting nothing. Funny contrast.

• Meditation today was annoying since my RLS was annoying me. I think I might have restless leg syndrome. My bones starts crawling and itching and there’s a compulsion to move them, I cannot fight it. So I decided to do repetitive movements with them and it calmed me down. Also I was meditating and being aware while doing it. Don’t know, is it ruining my meditation or is it possible? I like to believe meditation is just about being aware, no matter what you do still or not.

• Kind of worried about my speech tonight at Toastmasters. I wrote a 7-minute speech but haven’t practiced cus’ I dont like memorizing sentences, I think it’s a waste of time. I read the script a few times, memorize keywords and then improvise from there mostly. Or else I become too robotic. I’m inspired by the speeches from Osho, it feels so spontaneous and it has so much life to it

• Coaching session with a friend, just practice, was my turn to get coached this time. We actually connected through this forum and have since then for almost a year talked every 1-2 weeks coaching each other. Really effective.

• Sleep deprived practicing the speech a little, not too much

• Held the speech, went great and spontaneous

• Watched some scientific videos on consciousness combined with spirituality. I don’t understans why there always has to be a sort of war between the two. Even when you combine the two it’s not convincing. I guess experience is the only thing worth while, this cannot be intellectual knowledge. Time to pass out...

[QandC]

Alright so today was nice, got to sleep finally and woke up at a reasonable time, so my schedule is kind of re-set. Hope it can last too. I won't be doing too much work tonight or too late into the night hopefully unless I get tempted.

I did some writing during the day on Be Your Own Coach. I'm done with the second chapter, Choice, which is a part of the segment CONFUSION. Won't reveal too much but Choice is basically when you make the choice of solving a problem. Only problem is that it's a part of Confusion, since most problems first are solved irrationally, based on impulsive emotion.

When I do writing I try to keep it to an hour MAXIMUM. Because if I go above that my creativity drops. It takes around 5-10 minutes for me to really get started and then it just goes up and up. Then I peak around 55 minutes to 1 hour and that's when I stop and write down ideas/questions for next day of writing. I find that the most effective. My strategy when I write is this:

• –> Follow chapter/segment-purpose of which I've written before even starting, so I follow a red line.
• –> Write in my script, every time I have further ideas (I always think ahead of myself I write it down in the document below what I'm currently writing.
• –> If I realise a pattern of how I'm writing or have questions/cool ideas for future chapters or the purpose/symbolism of the book and come up with a more understanding of what the book is about I write it down in another document, basically called "Ideas"
• –> After I'm done writing I go to my Key-note document where I keep the entire structure for the book like a mindmap and check what I'm done with and if I know further what it's gonna look like I add sections into it.
• –> Lastly what I do is to write in my Writing-Diary, basically my thoughts of what I did and so on, feelings about writing that specific day etc. I got this idea from a Swedish author I follow. It's a great way to keep track of your thought process when writing and to improve your creativity and writing/infrastructure of writing.

I did my meditation today as well like usual. I do it in the morning. The RLS was way more calm today luckily.

Watched a video about skepticism to science. I've lately gotten very interested in questioning science. Not through dogmatism or any religious beliefs, but rather through a very rational sense. This video might interest some people:

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 6/19/2019 at 4:33 PM, QandC said:

I do not have a university education, I'm "self-educated"

We have commonalities. I have zero hours of university education. An interest in psychology. I enjoy listening to Sheldrake.

Welcome to the forum!

[QandC]

Woke up today early after ~4h of sleep. Sometimes I just wake up extremely refreshed for some reason, and kinda fuzzy/happy but I know then later during the day I'll be extremely tired anyways.

Meditated and continued writing on B.Y.O.C. Found an interesting article about a social experiment where people are making choices and that kind of defines their personality types. They are supposed to choose between Door #1 and Door #2. Door 1 is leading to an exit, where you just continue your day as usual, and Door 2 is leading to an unknown place. People who choose door 1 are more safety-minded apparently and want to be more secure about knowing, not taking any risk. People who choose door 2 are a bit more adventurous perhaps.

I wrote about this experiment in my section of "Choice" in the book. It's good to have some experiments too it makes the book more colourful in a way. It's important to actually mention the source though so it doesn't seem like your own idea. I have been thinking about that with own ideas/using other peoples ideas and so on... where do we actually draw the line of what is our idea and what is someone else's? In my opinion I think none of our ideas are ours. Everything we are and learn and say and think and do comes from external happenings in the past, right? I don't think we have free will in that case. Like Descartes said "I think therefore I am", but really isn't it more like "I am, therefore I think"? Because You being starts first and then you think  based on everything you've been through. All of our ideas are coming from other people. Just like our language isn't ours uniquely, it comes from everyone around us, and so must our ideas? That's just my opinion... but probably not mine originally, lol!

Anyways, which door would you choose?

(https://www.theverge.com/ad/16217980/the-choice-social-experiment-in-making-decisions)

[QandC]

Regular day, nothing special. I might not update this journal every single day, perhaps every other day or if something out of the ordinary happens. But to be honest, any day should be just as special as the other one. There are always many insights which can come, and there is always something new to be learned right?

Saw this video today, I like watching Richard Dawkins "confronting" people outside of his paradigm. Somehow I want to agree more with Richard but I also know about relativism. If something works for someone and that person is helping others in their own way, what's the problem really? What is this urge to "prove" everything? Isn't proof also just another paradigm? I think it might be.

 

[QandC]

Anotha' day, anotha' dolla'. No not really, but kind of. 

I moved to a different place today in Seoul. Whenever I live in Korea I switch apartment each month in order to not get too comfortable. Every time I move I "reset" my mind in a way it seems. Kind of occupied my day along with an external problem I faced. 

A question I keep asking myself is. How do we value problems? What is a greater problem than something else? Is it all relative? Is it about emotions or logic reasoning? 

[QandC]

Fighting heat

So right now in Korea it's extremely warm, and it's almost an obligation to have AirCondition installed. I move around every month through Airbnb because I don't like staying at one place for too long, but boy do I wish I'd stay this time. The new apartment I moved into has no aircondition, the place is basically not possible to live in. I'll have to be here for around 25 days before Sweden again. However, there is something I've noticed with this, which is that even though it's an absolute hell living inside of here, it makes me do shit.

Seriously, it leaves me no time to rest and procrastinate, because all I want to do is to escape from the house so my meditation sessions are more focused and all my other routines gets done perfectly in the morning. Also the only place for me to work is at a Starbucks nearby with AC and so when I sit there the only purpose is to work. 6 hours straight with a lunch break, and I finish around 2 pm. and have the rest of the day off. At my old place I just spread out the work during the day and it didn't really allow me to use any rest of the day to "live" other than when I went to judo practice. I guess destiny is teaching me a lesson right now. Sometimes the external forces us to take a certain action wether we want to or not. This time it might be for my own benefit. We always have to look at the positive side of things, I always do it through the law of polarity, which is that if something bad happens there is always an equal amount of goodness in the situation somewhere. 

Always difficult to break comfort zone though, but I know in the end it always becomes my new comfort zone and it will be fine.

Cheers. 

Edited June 25, 2019 by QandC

[QandC]

Headache from hell

Yesterday for some reason I got an extreme headache out of this world. Something I've never experienced before. I then got a fever and a stomach ache, I was in my bed for over 12 hours and I felt like I was literally dying. It was one of the most painful physical sensations I've ever been through. Along with the heat in my house, it was pure torture. I didn't have the motivation to go outside either until the night after to buy some stuff to eat. 

In a situation like this it's quite interesting to see how the mind reacts. Suddenly it becomes so grateful for just being at a normal state of health, and it becomes very compassionate towards everything as well, that's how I felt.

Luckily now I've gotten a bit better, about to install AC in my house as well, but damn... that day was f*cking horrible. 

[QandC]

It's okay to slack sometimes...

I'm starting to feel better, almost like a human being again lol. These 2 last days were horrible, seriously. It throws all consciousness work and personal development out the window. Survival is the primary objective when sick like that and there's nothing to be ashamed of. A lesson to be learned is that we need to appreciate our health even more. I hope I can learn a lot from this experience and start to appreciate being at a neutral. I haven't skipped a day of meditation for almost 2 years now but yesterday I didn't even find the motivation to meditate, that tells me something was seriously wrong. But you know what? That's okay.  No one is there to judge me but myself. There isn't some written rule in the universe telling me I have to. I think I did the greatest meditation trying to appreciate a normal healthy life while shivering in my bed for 4 hours hallucinating.

I wonder how an enlightened person is when really sick, do they suffer as much? Or do they separate themselves from it, not judging it etc...? 

[QandC]

Storing insights

How do insights work? Why are they so relative? Is an insight emotional or logical?

I think an insight is both logical and emotional. It's the combination of the two which creates the insight. Let's say you're in a certain state. A vulnerable state where all you think about is your own survival and suddenly you feel very grateful about life – you realise how important everything in your life is. But then after you go out of this state and return to your normal well-being, you might have the insight intellectually because you wrote it down somewhere, but the actual feeling is gone. You cannot appreciate your life as much as you did in that weak state of mind simply because you have reset your standard. I call this the Concept of Standards. It means we adapt ourselves to everything very fast. Everything becomes a new standard. That's why it's so difficult to compare happiness based on external factors.

How do we actually store them then? Is there a way to go about experiencing an insight you've 'forgotten' emotionally? Perhaps it's all relative and we should accept this. Trying to cling to both ideas as well as emotions is only a cause of suffering. Just like comparing two world-views is from each perspective. I guess we need to find certain trigger points which could activate the insights. What could you do to put yourself in that state of mind again? That could lead to the insight. Unless it will physically hurt you, I think it's an idea worth while investigating. What do you think?

[QandC]

Telepathic Dreams

The transition from being awake to dreaming is starting to freak me out. Lately I've had really strange dreams and yesterday when transitioning to sleep I started to have dreams where it felt like I could communicate with someone through my mind. I could hear what the person was thinking and feeling as if we were the same person. Without control I sat up and said "I can control you even when I sleep" out loud, fully aware but still no control. Really bizarre experience...

 

[QandC]

Deep talks

I've always found it so much easier to have deep conversations with women. I don't really know why, but I think it's because they are sometimes more empathetic, compassionate and better listeners. Many people say women talk more than men but I get the feeling that they are actually better listeners. They seem more openminded and seem to understand me better. I guess I've always connected better with women than men, and I somehow always reveal more about me to them than I've ever done with a man. One girl in particular right now who I can talk about anything with, every time I'm with her we can talk for hours feeling like 5 minutes, and it feels like I've cleansed my entire mind. Like a therapeutical talk session, it's also the same for her. A relationship where both people can open themselves up 100% and accepting each other is the best type of relationship, and then you can define it however you want. I've never been a fan of labels. What you create with another person is what matters, not what you call it. 

[QandC]

The Joy of Writing

I don't think I've ever really addressed to myself how much I enjoy writing. Whenever I write it feels like I enter a different state of consciousness where I lose myself and enter just pure creative happiness. It's a feeling so difficult to explain, but I feel like I'm in my essence. Same when I do Judo. I mostly think the real happiness comes from losing Myself.

[QandC]

Could this be love?

Something myself have wondered about lately...

 

[QandC]

How Do We Communicate?

I've always wondered what the best way of communication is. For me, it feels as if the more I am myself, the more people have something against me. It almost feels as if my ego is too big and tries to take too much space in a social environment. It's as if I always have to be the center of attention, even though this is never my (at least conscious) intention. I think it might be something subconscious from my childhood, but still, in my conscious mind I never try to seek attention. I always just express myself the way that I want with opinions etc. without filtering. If this is an effect from meditation I do not know, but I do not see anything wrong with it. Why does one have to filter to adapt? This has been a fear of mine, to start filtering because of my earlier years where I always filtered and could never express myself... but still to be an effective communicator, we have to be able to see the other perspective as well.

I'm gonna try and sh*t up more in social settings etc., be more of a listener and accept what people say, try to see their point of view instead of always giving my input to the situation. Perhaps I need to let go of control. Counterintuitively that's how we gain more control.

[QandC]

Routine really makes results

Lately in my work and hobbies etc. I've noticed that the subconscious routine we install for ourselves is what will create results. However there is a certain limit to how much result it can create for us. I think that we should never stop trying to switch, adapt and compromise our routines for the benefits we  are seeking. If we stop changing everything will stagnate. This is a very orange-stage thinking to "Always be growing", but think about it, we have to handle ourselves in our everyday life as well. There is something we can learn from every stage. What it truly means to grow is ultimately expanding out of growth with the realisation of leaving the ego etc but before then, let's try to make the best out of our external life too? 

[QandC]

Stop the dominance of people

In an argument with a special person I realized the greater core of my ego always trying to dominate others and make them submissive. I realized this lies in the value I see in always being above someone else. The argument basically worked like a therapy session and both me and the person came to a great understanding of each other. Took 6 hours but man was it necessary and healthy...

[QandC]

Life is psychedelic

Last days I've made a greater connection with my gf, coming closer is a bit like losing yourself more and more. It feels good not caring about yourself all the time but about someone else. However, might this also just be an egoic thing? As if I'm caring for some possession rather than another human being, unconditionally? I'm trying to understand. I know overwhelming emotions are not good for us like Osho said once, emotions can blind man just like alcohol, we can become drunk with emotions which leaves us lost and confused. I feel like I have it under control though. Rationality is always a good grounding.

One thing I've realized lately is that life is very psychedelic. I've tried many psychedelics before and had cool experiences. It feels like you really see how beautiful and amazing life is when you take psychedelics. But I always wondered, why can I not see that when I'm in my "normal state of mind"? Why can we not enjoy life and the depth of it when sober? However lately I've taken a closer look at life and if you really look closely, life is truly amazing. The fact that I can even experience all of this is awesome. The colours, people, sounds, everything... everything is a part of reality and reality is amazing. It does not even need to be psychedelic, it just is what it is and if you cannot see the beauty of that, you are missing what life is truly about.

[QandC]

Feeling of Guilt

Today I did my Toastmasters speech about emotions. Specifically controlling emotions and gaining awareness around them instead of being overwhelmed by them. All good.

Anyways, what I wanted to write about today is Guilt. I have experienced feeling a lot of guilt in my life. I don't know where it comes from, maybe stupid things I did in my childhood. Those feelings still linger and come back from time to time. Especially if I don't do what I promised myself to do. Or especially if I break someone's expectation about me, it's the worst feeling. Also in being in a relationship I can sometimes feel guilt if I feel as if I'm being a bad influence or going stuff which are not productive and "conscious". I get the urge of immediately wanting to take a shower and clean the entire house. I feel physically relieved afterwards, for example if I did something which I consider bad I stuff myself with vitamin pills and vegetables and then start vacuum cleaning the house, cleaning out my closet and taking a shower. Afterwards I feel a bit healed again and can "start over". This is an extremely toxic feeling, does not come often and I do not really suffer from it that much but it is still there and something I have to start working on soon...