Be Alone Or To Hang Out With "toxic People"?

[bracov]

Hello everyone,
I am new to this forum. I have been watching Leo videos for a while, and I decided to register here :-)

My question is - Do you think that it's better to be alone, or to have different-minded friends?

I am almost 18, and I will finish high-school within 2 months. I am living in a small village, and the kids in my school are from many different small villages in the same area. So, after school, you have to hang out with the kids in your village. The problem is, the I have around 4-6 "good friends" which I know from childhood, but I don't like them very much. They are different-minded. One of them is a stupid person (I am not just saying, he has some real problems), One of them is always angry and screaming at people who doesn't agree with what he has to say, One of them is just annoying, and the list continue... I am not just complaining; I have other friends from other villages which I like. But if you don't have a car you can't meet them.

With this situation, what would you do? Would you hang out with them less? Is it better to be alone than to hang out with toxic/ different minded people?

[ChimpBrain]

If they don't add positively to your life then spend less (or no) time with them. You hear about monks reaching enlightenment by living in solitude in a cave for a decade, not by spending their lives in the company of dumb, annoying, angry people who drag them down to their level.

 

I'm in the same boat to some extent, although I'm guessing I have it a little better than you based on your description of your situation.

[bracov]

@ChimpBrain Thank you for your reply.
The thing is - I am feeling lonely when I'm not busy. I can read a book for a few hours, maybe to watch a T.V show but in the end, I am feeling lonely. In the weekends I am alone in the house as well, with no family (My parents are divorced, so my brothers go to my Father's house, and my Mom goes to her Boyfriend).

Edited April 28, 2016 by bracov

[Nathalie]

@bracovI don't think that one have to follow a general rule that says if that.. than that..

Reading your words it seems to me, it's better you still meet the guys arround you, you can surely enjoy their presence without letting them drag you down, right? Maybe, you can try to see them as a mirror, reflecting the parts of yourself that you ignore or can't accept, you can observe what happens in you, while interacting with your friends.. (it's what I use to do when I feel challenged)

In my point of view it isn't that important what they do or say, until a certain point, but much more what you make of it..

Of course I don't want to estimate and I either can't  know at which level of consciousness you are.. But maybe you have enough awareness in you so you can appreciate their company by looking at them more than judging them.. And even personally develop thanks to them?

[QandC]

@bracov Sometimes it nice to return back to the lower realms to be honest, because it makes you reflect on how far you've come 

[clytaemnestra]

That's was my question also. I had many, many people around me, I was hanging out with them like all day all night. Then, I decided to do something useful in my life, although it's summer. I went to summer school once, next summer I was in France with orchestra, the next one I was in Russia volunteering for 6 weeks. Unpaid. There are soooo many things I learnt at those trips. When I came home, all of my so-called friends were the same, doing same activities for years, and when I told them I went and worked unpaid with kids in Ru and that it changed my life, they've told me that I'm fool, because it's better not to do anything, than to do something and not being paid.

I've lost contact with them and I found my way spending my vacations. That's just my experience. Now, I have one female friend whom I trust, and nobody else. But in the end, I had only her before, others were just to hang out with somebody, nothing else.

 

Edited April 28, 2016 by clytaemnestra

[ChimpBrain]

2 hours ago, bracov said:

@ChimpBrain Thank you for your reply.
The thing is - I am feeling lonely when I'm not busy. I can read a book for a few hours, maybe to watch a T.V show but in the end, I am feeling lonely. In the weekends I am alone in the house as well, with no family (My parents are divorced, so my brothers go to my Father's house, and my Mom goes to her Boyfriend).

Sometimes the best thing for us in the long run is to take the hard path, not the easy one.

I don't have any advice for you on how to fill your time because I'm not familiar with you're environment. I only know that if I had just started my journey of self improvement, and realized that all of my "friends" were going to hamper my progress in that regard, that I would spend less and less time with them as I got further along the path.

[Corte]

Neither being alone or being with your friends is the answer. Sure, you shouldn't spend all of your time submerged in negativity, but there is probably a lot you can learn from them. A way that you can go a little deeper within yourself is to try to remain completely aware of the situation you're in, the people you're around, and realize the bliss of the moment. I think a good balance between solitude and socializing (no matter who it is) is necessary, as with anything. It's almost like two realties at once. Your inner reality where you are content and aware with everything happening around you and open to new experience, and the outer reality of your environment where your oblivious friends are playing in. 

I find that when I categorize people as negative, I'm cutting myself off from experience that I need. Keep in mind, I say negative as in people who aren't aware as you, or have bad mental habits. If they are engaging in illegal or detrimental acts, by all means stay far away. 

I too have no friends who I consider aware, but that has no effect on my own awareness. I continue to grow myself regardless of the people around me. I know it may be impossible with some people, but maybe suggest doing something with your friends like spending time in nature, or slowly introduce them to subjects (psychological, spiritual, scientific etc.) that might help them to get on the same path as you. 

[Azrael]

9 hours ago, Quizzer said:

@bracov Sometimes it nice to return back to the lower realms to be honest, because it makes you reflect on how far you've come 

Wisdom to my ears. Also, if you really realized structures and behaviors of your psyche you can help people that are not so far - not by directly teaching to them - but by making them realize certain things. That's one of the most pleasurable things to do, because you look like a magician to them and you know for yourself that you really got it down. Because if you can make somebody realize something out of blue by phrasing it in a certain way and using some brains twists, you really had to understand it first.

[bracov]

@Arik

20 hours ago, MartineF said:

@bracovI don't think that one have to follow a general rule that says if that.. than that..

Reading your words it seems to me, it's better you still meet the guys arround you, you can surely enjoy their presence without letting them drag you down, right? Maybe, you can try to see them as a mirror, reflecting the parts of yourself that you ignore or can't accept, you can observe what happens in you, while interacting with your friends.. (it's what I use to do when I feel challenged)

In my point of view it isn't that important what they do or say, until a certain point, but much more what you make of it..

Of course I don't want to estimate and I either can't  know at which level of consciousness you are.. But maybe you have enough awareness in you so you can appreciate their company by looking at them more than judging them.. And even personally develop thanks to them?

 

 

20 hours ago, Quizzer said:

@bracov Sometimes it nice to return back to the lower realms to be honest, because it makes you reflect on how far you've come 

 

19 hours ago, clytaemnestra said:

That's was my question also. I had many, many people around me, I was hanging out with them like all day all night. Then, I decided to do something useful in my life, although it's summer. I went to summer school once, next summer I was in France with orchestra, the next one I was in Russia volunteering for 6 weeks. Unpaid. There are soooo many things I learnt at those trips. When I came home, all of my so-called friends were the same, doing same activities for years, and when I told them I went and worked unpaid with kids in Ru and that it changed my life, they've told me that I'm fool, because it's better not to do anything, than to do something and not being paid.

I've lost contact with them and I found my way spending my vacations. That's just my experience. Now, I have one female friend whom I trust, and nobody else. But in the end, I had only her before, others were just to hang out with somebody, nothing else.

 

 

 

19 hours ago, ChimpBrain said:

Sometimes the best thing for us in the long run is to take the hard path, not the easy one.

I don't have any advice for you on how to fill your time because I'm not familiar with you're environment. I only know that if I had just started my journey of self improvement, and realized that all of my "friends" were going to hamper my progress in that regard, that I would spend less and less time with them as I got further along the path.

 

 

16 hours ago, Corte said:

Neither being alone or being with your friends is the answer. Sure, you shouldn't spend all of your time submerged in negativity, but there is probably a lot you can learn from them. A way that you can go a little deeper within yourself is to try to remain completely aware of the situation you're in, the people you're around, and realize the bliss of the moment. I think a good balance between solitude and socializing (no matter who it is) is necessary, as with anything. It's almost like two realties at once. Your inner reality where you are content and aware with everything happening around you and open to new experience, and the outer reality of your environment where your oblivious friends are playing in. 

I find that when I categorize people as negative, I'm cutting myself off from experience that I need. Keep in mind, I say negative as in people who aren't aware as you, or have bad mental habits. If they are engaging in illegal or detrimental acts, by all means stay far away. 

I too have no friends who I consider aware, but that has no effect on my own awareness. I continue to grow myself regardless of the people around me. I know it may be impossible with some people, but maybe suggest doing something with your friends like spending time in nature, or slowly introduce them to subjects (psychological, spiritual, scientific etc.) that might help them to get on the same path as you. 

 

 

10 hours ago, Arik said:

Wisdom to my ears. Also, if you really realized structures and behaviors of your psyche you can help people that are not so far - not by directly teaching to them - but by making them realize certain things. That's one of the most pleasurable things to do, because you look like a magician to them and you know for yourself that you really got it down. Because if you can make somebody realize something out of blue by phrasing it in a certain way and using some brains twists, you really had to understand it first.

 

Thanks, friends. I decided to hang out with them less.

Now the other problem is - How to be alone?

I am alone in the house most of the weekends, and sometimes I am feeling like I am getting crazy. How can I be alone & happy? How can I influence my mind to like the loneliness?

[Isle of View]

23 hours ago, bracov said:

With this situation, what would you do? Would you hang out with them less? Is it better to be alone than to hang out with toxic/ different minded people?

Get a job for vacations and you're good to go.

Maybe even a job in a bigger city, so you are in a different location, see some places and earn some money on top of it.

 

Kind regards, 
Chris

 

[QandC]

@bracov Don't stay inside. Connect with nature instead 

[Azrael]

1 hour ago, bracov said:

How can I influence my mind to like the loneliness?

Find something you are deeply passionate about. Something that brings you really in flow and is worth putting 10,000 hours in to become a master of it. For me it's definitely programming - or solving complex problems in a algorithmically manner - and meditation. If I am ever lonely, what I'm kind of never because I love the silence, I return to these two passions of mine that light up my heart poetically speaking or get me working pragmatically speaking.

You get the drill here. Find something that is worth doing with your time.

[bracov]

29 minutes ago, Isle of View said:

Get a job for vacations and you're good to go.

Maybe even a job in a bigger city, so you are in a different location, see some places and earn some money on top of it.

 

Kind regards, 
Chris

 

 

I already have a few jobs, I am working almost every day for a short time. 

27 minutes ago, Quizzer said:

@bracov Don't stay inside. Connect with nature instead 

What does it mean to connect with nature?

[clytaemnestra]

1 hour ago, bracov said:

How to be alone?

You don't have to be. Apply for some volunteering exchange or something like that. That worked for me. Or to volunteer at some festivals. Summer school maybe.

Also, join some clubs, like sports or music, I don't know, maybe you'll find there people who prefer doing something useful in their leisure time.

[QandC]

@bracov You go out.. you feel the grass, you connect to the source. What else can I tell you man

[bracov]

20 hours ago, clytaemnestra said:

You don't have to be. Apply for some volunteering exchange or something like that. That worked for me. Or to volunteer at some festivals. Summer school maybe.

Also, join some clubs, like sports or music, I don't know, maybe you'll find there people who prefer doing something useful in their leisure time.

 

 

I don't see a point to try to join those kinds of things because within a few months I am joining the army (in my country it's a must to serve in the military for a particular time, by law), and I will meet new friends over there for sure, and probably good people. I am looking for practical pieces of advice about beeing alone when I am not with the friends in my village.

20 hours ago, Quizzer said:

@bracov You go out.. you feel the grass, you connect to the source. What else can I tell you man

Thank you for your advice.

Edited April 30, 2016 by bracov

[Nathalie]

21 hours ago, bracov said:

What does it mean to connect with nature?

For me it means to become aware of the nature, to acknoledge and apreciate it, by using all your senses. I hope, it doesn't seem to naif but everything you enjoy becomes a kind of friend.

Maybe you've already realized how whole you feel when you have the possibility to love ? In nature you can love everything with no risk to be challenged or disappointed

You can give it a try and listen to the birds, the water, smell the flowers, particulary in the evening after a hot day.. or the fresh cut gras, look at the sky and how the clouds move, feel the sun and the wind on your skin and the groud under your feed.. Of course you can't do it all at once, it would be to much, just be alert when you go out..

You of course also can meditate in the nature or/and make a subject of it..

But it only my point of view..

45 minutes ago, bracov said:

I am looking for practical pieces of advice about beeing alone when I am not with the friends in my village.

Maybe it's already answered with all you can do in nature?

If I were you, I would make a list of all the things I would like to do, playing an instrument? making more sport? reading books ? Learn new things ?

But why are you so afraid of being alone? Is it because of what you thing about it ? Maybe it's not so bad after all just to face it ? Maybe it's also a good opportunity to meditate about it ?

 

[John]

I have a few solitary activities that help me. I use a foam roller and intense stretching while listening to podcasts that are over an hour long at least. I can recommend a few if you want.

Buying Leo's life purpose course has given me a sort of friend when I am lonely. Because no one else around me gets it yet, or I am not yet in a place to express it to them... You don't have to buy it but go back and dig through his old stuff, practice the advice, start making your own little personal development projects..

Movies are brilliant in my opinion. Many of the greats are not just for switching off.. They have great characters etc, you might relate to.

They are just a few suggestions man. I really resonated with this post because I am in the same boat!

[bracov]

24 minutes ago, MartineF said:

For me it means to become aware of the nature, to acknoledge and apreciate it, by using all your senses. I hope, it doesn't seem to naif but everything you enjoy becomes a kind of friend.

Maybe you've already realized how whole you feel when you have the possibility to love ? In nature you can love everything with no risk to be challenged or disappointed

You can give it a try and listen to the birds, the water, smell the flowers, particulary in the evening after a hot day.. or the fresh cut gras, look at the sky and how the clouds move, feel the sun and the wind on your skin and the groud under your feed.. Of course you can't do it all at once, it would be to much, just be alert when you go out..

You of course also can meditate in the nature or/and make a subject of it..

But it only my point of view..

Maybe it's already answered with all you can do in nature?

If I were you, I would make a list of all the things I would like to do, playing an instrument? making more sport? reading books ? Learn new things ?

But why are you so afraid of being alone? Is it because of what you thing about it ? Maybe it's not so bad after all just to face it ? Maybe it's also a good opportunity to meditate about it ?

 

 

Thank you for your advice. I am not afraid to be alone. But - when I am alone for long hours, I am starting to feel bad, similar feeling like driving for long hours without breaks... if you understand what I mean. It's a bad feeling that makes you feel like a crazy. I am feeling un-fresh like I need something to fresh my mind.

11 minutes ago, John said:

I have a few solitary activities that help me. I use a foam roller and intense stretching while listening to podcasts that are over an hour long at least. I can recommend a few if you want.

Buying Leo's life purpose course has given me a sort of friend when I am lonely. Because no one else around me gets it yet, or I am not yet in a place to express it to them... You don't have to buy it but go back and dig through his old stuff, practice the advice, start making your own little personal development projects..

Movies are brilliant in my opinion. Many of the greats are not just for switching off.. They have great characters etc, you might relate to.

They are just a few suggestions man. I really resonated with this post because I am in the same boat!

 

Thank you so much!