Something wants to come out

[Buba]

I notice weird sensations which as if are visiting my chest, belly and balls subsequently. It is like tickling. As if something wants to come out. I relax and let it come out, but it does not. It is like sneezing feeling which comes, but you cant do that, you just feel like sneezing, but it just does not come out. So as this sensation did not come out, I decided to bring it out with force. I stretched my body several times, but it did not come out. They are not that unpleasant, I just want them to come out. When I meditate after several minutes an energy wants to climb in my body. From the base of my spine it comes to my belly, then chest and stops there. It becomes more painful and it becomes difficult to be in the now and observe the breath. Still I do my best, to just observe the breath. It becomes so painful, as if it will finally come out and there will be a huge relief, but it does not. What is it? Should I do something else besides meditation? I really want it to come out.

These sensations are not that strange to me. Because I had them when I was a kid. I would stretch myself many times to bring them out. As if it is electricity accumulated in my body.

[Nahm]

@Buba Recontextualize in language of sensation, feeling & emotion, rather than body parts, energy, electricity. Seems you might be depersonalizing what is quite intimate and personal, thus preventing the release and understanding. 

[seeking_brilliance]

@Buba might want to find an energy reader or reiki healer who can help you decide if you have any blockages

[Buba]

17 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Buba Recontextualize in language of sensation, feeling & emotion, rather than body parts, energy, electricity. Seems you might be depersonalizing what is quite intimate and personal, thus preventing the release and understanding. 

Feelings: pain, itchiness, tingling, heart seems to explode, as if a volcano will erupt.

17 hours ago, seeking_brilliance said:

@Buba might want to find an energy reader or reiki healer who can help you decide if you have any blockages

There is no energy reader or reiki healer in my country. I definitely have emotional blockages.

[Nahm]

@Buba If those are the sensations, what are the emotions?

[Buba]

2 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Buba If those are the sensations, what are the emotions?

I feel restless. I want to move. I want to cry. Last year a guy from India guided us to do something similar to shamanic breath, and this feeling came during the process. Something wanted to come out, which had got stuck there for a long time. I was on the edge of crying.

[Nahm]

@Buba So cry. The tears are a gift.

[Buba]

4 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Buba So cry. The tears are a gift.

I relax in order to let the tears come, but they dont, even if they come, they come very little. 

[Nahm]

@Buba What is wanted?  What is loved?  What is lost?

[Buba]

Happiness, contentment, life without a feeling that I have a mission, completeness - is wanted, loved and lost.

[Nahm]

@Buba

What is it you honestly think you need, to be happy, and complete?

When you have that, or become that....

How did it complete you?

How did it make you happy?

How are you different now, than when you have or become, that ?

[Buba]

Although I experienced existential crisis, sadness and etc, I was always happy and complete in the background. After the incident in April 2006 (I mentioned in the post above) that completeness and happiness went away. I want that back and my brain tells me in order to get that back I should do certain things (now it is: fight with 2 strong guys and fuck 2 beautiful girls). In the beginning of the last year when I had Dark Night for several weeks, these missions disappeared and new mission emerged: to get enlightened. I was so happy that those 2 missions disappeared and I did not feel like to do them. But could not be fully happy because, new mission (I have to get enlightened) also made me feel incomplete.

[Buba]

Meditation is so difficult for me because of this energy. It does not come out and it makes me restless. I sweat, it is very painful. I exert a lot of effort not to stop meditation. And in ordinary life I cannot focus on anything or sit calm because of this energy. I thought it happens to everybody.