My capacity of intimacy decreases while that of love increases.

[CreamCat]

By love, I mean acceptance and growth. I accept and love more than I used to. Yet, I do not feel or express intimacy. In the past, I used to be able to express intimacy. I have come to accept lack of intimacy a long time ago.

I must have done personal development wrong.

[Pallero]

Well, what do you mean by intimacy? Love and intimacy go hand in hand and you can't really gain one without gaining the other. Complete acceptance requires complete intimacy.

[flume]

@CreamCat You’re not alone feeling that way. 
The same thing happened to me when I started meditating. 

I wouldn’t say you’re doing something wrong if you’re ultimately feeling more connected to people.
And you do, don’t you?
I remember I started to feel equal openness to everyone, like some sort of field where everything/one is equally welcome.
I had a hard time ‘ranking’ people or having any preference at all.
All was fine.
It’s difficult to describe but maybe you’re experiencing the same thing.

 

The question is: Does it feel bad? 
You’re not obliged to be intimate all the time.
(At least physically, or do you mean something else like not being able to open up to people?)

There’s a good chance you’re just establishing some base ground for accepting and acknowledging all people equally.
From this new vantage point, a lot of new and good things can happen.
So maybe you’re doing things just the right way:-) 

[CreamCat]

9 hours ago, flume said:

I wouldn’t say you’re doing something wrong if you’re ultimately feeling more connected to people.
And you do, don’t you?

I feel more connected in an abstract sense. More specifically, I feel more connected in the sense that I do not reject people.

9 hours ago, flume said:

You’re not obliged to be intimate all the time.
(At least physically, or do you mean something else like not being able to open up to people?)

I don't feel intimacy physically and emotionally. Perhaps, that's because I spend most of my time in my cave. Being isolated is not healthy.

Edited June 21, 2019 by CreamCat

[flume]

@CreamCat 
I think I can relate. You’re becoming the observer in relationship to everything in your life.
I think intimacy entails that you have something you want to share with people.
There’s an exchange happening, we’re all mirroring each other all the time so we can define ourselves.
But you’re just becoming empty.

You don’t feel connected because your ‘self’ is taken out of the game and it’s all just happening.
You’re becoming a tool of God.

Being isolated can be healthy but it's you who has to feel that difference.
Maybe you need it to foster something great. In that case, give yourself some time and try not to judge yourself.
Eventually, you’re gonna feel pulled to get out there and give something back.
Because on the long term you don’t want to keep yourself cut off from others.
By what you’re going through you’re actually gonna be of great help for the people around you. Your acceptance means that you have no (or little) selfish reactivity or agenda. You’re gonna be able to see projections much more clearly and know where to help.

[CreamCat]

41 minutes ago, flume said:

Your acceptance means that you have no (or little) selfish reactivity or agenda.

My acceptance is far from being unconditional. I still have a lot of selfish agenda. I just have a little less of it than I used to, but I can still feel the little difference. Only god is capable of unconditional love. I'm not. I see threats, and I feel the need to protect myself from threats.

By the way, are you a woman? Judging by your profile picture, you seem to be, but you don't write like most women that I've encountered in my life. You could be a man who uses a female profile picture. My profile picture on youtube used to be a cute anime girl.

Perhaps, I'm wasting too much time on this forum. I may try not visiting this forum for a while.

Edited June 25, 2019 by CreamCat

[flume]

18 minutes ago, CreamCat said:

I just have a little less of it than I used to, but I can still feel the little difference.

Good! Keep going, it's a life long practice. 

22 minutes ago, CreamCat said:

By the way, are you a woman? Judging by your profile picture, you seem to be, but you don't write like most women that I've encountered in my life. You could be a man who uses a female profile picture. 

Hahaha well thank god that's obvious! Not sure if offended or delighted by this remark
Now I'm curious though, what's so man-like about my writing? 

[CreamCat]

2 hours ago, flume said:

Now I'm curious though, what's so man-like about my writing?

• I may have developed prejudices by meeting a lot of weakly developed women.
  • Usually, weakly developed men and weakly developed women write in distinctive styles. I can distinguish them by style.
• There are distinctively female writing styles, but I cannot clearly define them. I know them when I read them.
  • Your writing style is neither female or macho. It feels neutral.

Edited June 25, 2019 by CreamCat

[flume]

@CreamCat Careful not to judge people by their writing style though. A well structured and thought through text might just as well be a neurotic/ controlling pattern... *cough*  I actually admire people that can just write down the first thing that comes to their mind without explaining themselves much.