Anger at my father

[EvilAngel]

My father is, according to most people who know him, a "lovely guy". He talks in such a "pleasant" manner - extremely measured and calm. He rarely talks about anyone else in a negative light. He will be extremely self-deprecating, yet lavishes others with praise. 

He's the kind of person who will walk down the street slowly, with a smile on his face whilst everyone else is harried and miserable. He is moved to tears often by nature and art. He rarely takes anything personally and will laugh heartily at himself. He is  gregarious, warm, friendly and humble. He takes a stance on most news stories involving people who have been treated unfairly. He seems to have infinite reserves of empathy for everyone. He is deeply spiritual. He is intelligent and skilled at most things he puts his mind to. He is also popular and handsome. 

Yes. A lovely guy. But that's not the whole story. 

When my mother was pregnant with me he dragged her outside and threw her to the ground. My mother used to tell me that he hit her on numerous occasions. I remember him smacking me as a child, and I have a suspicion that he sexually abused me at a time in my childhood when I would be likely to forget. 

I have no proof of this sexual abuse however, but it would explain the extreme difficulties I've had throughout my life, including incarceration in psychiatric institutions for many years. Yet, my mental health really started to improve when I was put in a unit on the opposite coast of the country from my father. After spending a significant time period away from my mother and him I actually started to feel happy. They couldn't visit me anywhere near as often as they had been able to when I was an inpatient at a unit local to them. Although my father took a stance against the whole psychiatric system, essentially acting as my saviour from the 'evils of psychiatry' I found this ironic considering that I was starting to think that he and my mother had most likely been the original cause of my mental health issues. 

My parents traumatised me. Then when I grew up and began reacting (with emotional outbursts etc.) to their past abuse of me, they seemingly couldn't understand (because nothing bad was happening in the 'here and now'), and labeled me as "crazy", which was simply adding to the abuse. 

I've followed Daniel Mackler on YouTube and also read a book of his. He has helped give me a perspective on my situation. He says that there's no need to forgive your parents and that confrontation is the way forward. 

It seems like my parents' abuse and control of me is the biggest factor in my mental illness. It's not a coincidence that my mental health significantly improved when my mother died 5 years ago. 

I currently live in the same city as my father. He triggers me all the time, so I'm wondering if I should just go no contact with him. Maybe even move to somewhere far away from him again. 

 

[Commodent]

If he triggers you it seems like it would be wise to get some space, regardless of whether he acts abusively towards you to this day. Do you enjoy his presence? If not, you have no obligation to keep in contact with him. You could give him a heads-up beforehand, so that he has some idea of what's going on and won't try to contact you needlessly. It's not a fun decision to make, but you should do what feels right to you.

It sounds to me like you would also enjoy the works of Pete Walker.

[Ibn Sina]

The reality is that - Parents are also not perfect. In Hinduism, Vedanta culture Parents are compared to the  gods. The idea is promoted in epics like Mahabharat ,all the scenes about the Pandavas respecting their mother , hindus moral stories etc 

The reality is that parents are  also just like any people, they too have flaws, they may have any set of characteristics ranging from kind to cruel, peaceful to violent, 

And if you feel anger towards your father because of the things he did, then just know that it is normal. 
Sometimes parents can be stupid, they can do stuff that will hamper their child , and the child may have to fight against their parents, and do what is best  for them, and after you get into a good position only then your parents might realize that they were wrong. 

Like Paulo Coelho's parents made their son go to the lunatic asylum. They forced him to become a lawyer which he didn't want to be. But despite all that he did what his soul yearned, went against his parents, and guess what? His parents were wrong and things went good for him.

So if you are feeling anger against your father, it's okay.

I will say that the eastern culture and society which puts parents at a very position is very unjust, and wrong. It has this wrong. Reality does not work that way. 

Edited June 17, 2019 by Ibn Sina

[DivineSoda]

That sounds like a pretty rough childhood, and it's definitely a mind fuck when the very people who abuse you act like they don't know why you're so distressed and then label you as crazy. It's unclear how conscious/aware your parents were of all this at the time, but I would bet there was some level of psychological manipulation going on, most likely done as a self-protection for them, rather than to further torment you. 

But nevertheless, here you are all these years later, still suffering the consequences. 

First of all, know that you are not crazy.. obviously. You just had a fucked up past that has conditioned the mind you're trapped in. Having said that, here is a difficult pill to swallow: the expiration date for blaming your parents as the source of your suffering has passed. They may still be the original architects of the fuckery, but what exists in this moment is all within you and is completely separate from them. Which means that the solution is also within you. 

So like @Commodent said, you have no obligation to keep in contact with him. However, simply creating a physical distance from your father and tactically severing contact with him may not be enough. I think a higher quality solution exists. I'm not one to say exactly what that is, but for example it would be immensely helpful if you found a way to fully express your emotions/feelings about this. Your trauma is like an energy that has a home somewhere within your being, and the only way you can set it free is to give it a voice and allow it to fully flow through and beyond you. 

You mentioned this guy Mackler claims there is no need to forgive your parents and that confrontation is the way forward. Well in regards to forgiveness, the reason it's often suggested is because it is a process that alleviates all the negative feelings that are fucking you up inside (resentment, anger, shame, regret, etc, etc). You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you. Without forgiveness, you're still a slave to your past. So you must find ways to garner some perspective/compassion towards your parents (like @Ibn Sina suggested) so that you can experience deep freedom/peace from your past. 

In regards to Mackler saying that confrontation is the way forward.. well if you believe that, then you are not going to accomplish this by merely cutting contact. You need to first give this energy an outlet to express itself, and that is what confrontation is about (although I prefer a different language). 

So that would be talking directly to your father and fully expressing your truth without any need for validation or acknowledgement from him (because you may not get it). Just ask for uninterrupted space to say whatever the fuck you want, and when you are complete, you can then explore next steps (Ex: cutting contact). If you don't like this idea, or feel you aren't ready for it, you could alternatively try talking with others about it (friends, therapist, etc) or even writing a letter to your father (whether you send it or not). 

Anyway that's all I got for now. Good luck to you and feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about it. 

[Commodent]

4 hours ago, DivineSoda said:

Without forgiveness, you're still a slave to your past. Well in regards to forgiveness, the reason it's often suggested is because it is a process that alleviates all the negative feelings that are fucking you up inside

This is in many ways true, but many people seem to act like forgiveness is simply a conscious choice you have to make, an idea. Sure, certain beliefs might block forgiveness from coming through, but at the same time forgiveness is still just a feeling that might come and go just like any other feeling. You can tell yourself that you forgive them and find all the reasons why they became the way they are, but that is still just ideas if you're deep down still angry at what your parents did to you. So the way I see it, focus on processing that anger. Forgiveness is not a process, it's the potential byproduct of working through those painful emotions. Some people were so severely abused they might never forgive.

[Pallero]

Oh my God, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that!

On 16.6.2019 at 11:13 PM, EvilAngel said:

I currently live in the same city as my father. He triggers me all the time, so I'm wondering if I should just go no contact with him. Maybe even move to somewhere far away from him again.

From my perspective it looks like it would be best for you to move away, yes. At least until you are ready to face him, which may never happen. Moving away is just the first step. The physical distance may be necessary in order for you to even start to heal from your past. If you are too close to him, you can't relax enough to heal.

[Nahm]

@EvilAngel It’s about you. 

[CuteCornDog]

Daniel Mackler is a good person to watch on YouTube. I've followed him for about five years now.