Starting family on older age

[StarStruck]

I’m 30 and in my culture I have maxed out being single and not having a family. The answer is I shouldn’t care what other people think. And I don’t but my choice to start a family and my life purpose go hand in hand.

What are my options? I have two. I have the option to chose to get a 9-5 job in accountancy which I hate, get my life straight like finding a apartment, find a gf and be fully plugged into the matrix. The other option is do what I think I want: learning programming, start a business which would give me time/money to go full throttle on actualization. Second option is risky because I don’t know if I’m capable of creating a side business to finance my journey to learn a new craft (programming) and give me time to go full throttle on actualization. 

I have actually enough money to be independent for 4 years which would give me enough times to get a bachelor in programming. I actually thought myself programming but I discovered they want a diploma. Costs of a bachelor is 2k euro per year here. No insane costs like in the US.  Other option would to go lone gun, not get a degree and build a programming portfolio to get into a traineeship or something. 

The replies I will get to this thread I can already predict. To go for 9-5 accountancy job I hate is craziness... but how do I address the part of my inner self who is going full ape shit right now? I can deal with family members who ostracize me. How do I deal with my insecurity? I want to start a family one day. I can easily postpone it and because I’m not female I don’t have to worry about my biological clock either. It is probably because I don’t want to fail. 

[Cepzeu]

Ask yourself what you would want your life to be like when you're 50/60 and work back from there.

[Arcangelo]

Do both, but instead of a 9 to 5 get a 9 to 3 and work 2-4 hours a day on your own thing whatever it is. At least that's what i am doing.

May i ask why do you want a family? Why do you want more responsibilities? Why do you want to limit your self to eat vanilla ice cream (sex with the same woman) for the rest of your life?

Makes no sense to me. Maybe you were brainwashed by your culture into thinking that you want a family?

Peace.

 

Edited June 15, 2019 by Arcangelo
you

[StarStruck]

1 hour ago, Arcangelo said:

Do both, but instead of a 9 to 5 get a 9 to 3 and work 2-4 hours a day on your own thing whatever it is. At least that's what i am doing.

May i ask why do you want a family? Why do you want more responsibilities? Why do you want to limit your self to eat vanilla ice cream (sex with the same woman) for the rest of your life?

Makes no sense to me. Maybe you were brainwashed by your culture into thinking that you want a family?

Peace.

 

God created out of love. I want that too. And having a family/baby is one of that. 

[Moreira]

"I’m 30 and in my culture I have maxed out being single and not having a family." >The lion doesnt care what sheeps say.

Either way, what happens in your "culture" when a 35 yo guy gets widower, or his wife divorce him, doesnt have the right, the oportinuty to make a new family at 35? Why?

[ExodiaGearCEO]

It sound like you still care how people are judging you that you don’t have kids in your 30s. Honestly, it’s okay to have kids in your 40s. Honestly, having a kid and a wife can actually be stressing because you won’t have time to build your foundation. Have a family and kids won’t make you happy until you are really happy how your life is. Build your core foundation first then getting married and having kids is fine! But I mean it’s your life. Do what you like.

[StarStruck]

7 hours ago, Moreira said:

"I’m 30 and in my culture I have maxed out being single and not having a family." >The lion doesnt care what sheeps say.

Either way, what happens in your "culture" when a 35 yo guy gets widower, or his wife divorce him, doesnt have the right, the oportinuty to make a new family at 35? Why?

I already admitted that this thoughts i have been having are irrational. This thread me asking how to deal with this inner critic. Just ignore the inner critic and plow through? @ExodiaGearCEO

[Emerald]

Do you actually want a family... or do you want to avoid social disapproval? This is really the question to hone in on.

Really tune into your emotions here, because it seems to me that you're negatively motivated instead of positively motivated.

So, the horse that's positively motivated is moving in the direction of a stick and carrot. The horse wants the carrot, and so the horse walks without resistance toward the carrot.

The horse that's negatively motivated is also walking, but he walks because he's trying to avoid the whip.

So, are you following the carrot or simply trying to avoid the whip?

If it's the latter, then I recommend not having a family until the family is the carrot. And also accepting that family may never be the carrot.

So, the question is... what's your carrot? What really inspires you?

Once you find that, follow that golden carrot wherever it goes. And this will help you find the stream and flow with it.

 

[StarStruck]

1 hour ago, Emerald said:

Do you actually want a family... or do you want to avoid social disapproval? This is really the question to hone in on.

Really tune into your emotions here, because it seems to me that you're negatively motivated instead of positively motivated.

So, the horse that's positively motivated is moving in the direction of a stick and carrot. The horse wants the carrot, and so the horse walks without resistance toward the carrot.

The horse that's negatively motivated is also walking, but he walks because he's trying to avoid the whip.

So, are you following the carrot or simply trying to avoid the whip?

If it's the latter, then I recommend not having a family until the family is the carrot. And also accepting that family may never be the carrot.

So, the question is... what's your carrot? What really inspires you?

Once you find that, follow that golden carrot wherever it goes. And this will help you find the stream and flow with it.

 

Thanks a trillion.  I never saw it like that. The carrot or whip analogy made me understand everything. Perhaps I should go into therapy about this but I wonder if the therapist would have given the same insights you have given me. Perhaps yes and perhaps no but this is definitely a subject I need to talk about. It is huge obstacle for my enlightenment. I took mushrooms today (first time in a year)  and all the suppressed hit me hard. It is weird that I never talked about this or never written about it but actually it is not weird because prior to me taking mushrooms these “issues” didn’t exist. I only got the smell of the issue and that probably made me create this thread. I’m facing a major inner demon which I didn’t know existed and mushrooms made me understand that.

In the past I tried to talk about these topics and somehow I don’t continue doing that because the inner demon didn’t reveal himself (now I can actually see the inner demon). If I don’t talk about it I will be stuck in this stage of “enlightenment”(darkness) forever. 

I mean I’m not 70 or 80 and not married and not have kids but it feels like that. Especially now I’m on mushrooms. I’m 30 so I have enough time to think about major life decisions. It is actually good that I’m becoming aware of it at age 30 instead of age 80. I will definitely take mushrooms once a week from now on. It unleashed so many suppressed emotions. I mean is it weird that I started such a thread when I have many suppressed emotions about it?

Edited June 15, 2019 by StarStruck

[Elisabeth]

@StarStruck I was wondering where you're from. I thought: maybe some conservative area in eastern Europe. Then I looked. Location ... NL, Netherlands??? One of the more liberal of western countries?

In that case I think you might benefit a lot from changing your social circle. Move to a bigger city. Do go to university. Do get an IT job. Do speak to entrepreneurs. (You could start slowly by joining a facebook group for freelancers or something. )

I say this, because there must be people not so far away from you who are totally ok with a guy being single at 35. IT guys who had less luck with girls. Scientists, who have had to change jobs and countries a few time. Career-focused entrepreneurs. Liberal city communities (who tend to be a little more lgbtq+, polyamory, kink etc. friendly, and generally pro-choice when it comes to crafting your own relationships). All these people will help you normalize what you're feeling and desiring. 

Or maybe you are in touch with peers of yours who also don't quite conform to the norms of the previous generation, you just don't speak much to them. 

Also, I see your dilemma between "getting a job and a family", and "switching to a career in programming" as a false one. Why don't you get a girlfriend while you are doing your degree or starting your business? You do need to develop a strong relationship with her before you have kids, and that will also take 2-3 years, so why not date seriously? (It's ok if you don't want to, just pointing that out.)

As for inner work, you could try writing down all the thoughts/beliefs that are telling you to comform (to your family's wishes), and question each of them. Perhaps that helps a little. 

Edited June 15, 2019 by Elisabeth

[StarStruck]

@Elisabeth  My grand parents / parents are immigrants. They are liberal but even liberal parents can wish their children to have a serious relationship, get married and get children.

Perhaps somebody from actualized org who has read spiral dynamics is above this and can see that having kids is not the end all of things but I’m sure big chunk of liberals on the world think having babies is important. Otherwise their breed and their ideology will be extinct in at most three generations.  

I think I know where you are getting at. I have to look into why I want a girlfriend who I can marry and have kids. And the answer is this: escaping loneliness. To make my parents happy. But if I look deeper into it to see what i want? I want a wife and children one day to share life. We are humans and we have social needs. And social needs aren’t that different than needing food and water. 

Edited June 15, 2019 by StarStruck

[Elisabeth]

15 hours ago, StarStruck said:

@Elisabeth  My grand parents / parents are immigrants. They are liberal but even liberal parents can wish their children to have a serious relationship, get married and get children.

Perhaps somebody from actualized org who has read spiral dynamics is above this and can see that having kids is not the end all of things but I’m sure big chunk of liberals on the world think having babies is important. Otherwise their breed and their ideology will be extinct in at most three generations.  

I think I know where you are getting at. I have to look into why I want a girlfriend who I can marry and have kids. And the answer is this: escaping loneliness. To make my parents happy. But if I look deeper into it to see what i want? I want a wife and children one day to share life. We are humans and we have social needs. And social needs aren’t that different than needing food and water. 

I agree. Btw., I'm also 30 and childless. And sure, even liberal parents want grandchildren. The point was, you can balance their pressure with voices who remind you that you do have time and it's ok to take it. 

It's good that you're getting down to your authentic motivation. 

[StarStruck]

@Elisabeth thanks. It must be harder for females, if they want family/children one day, since they have a biological clock. I think  I have to weigh the options. If I’m going to rush it I will be unhappy. That is for sure. 

[Elisabeth]

 

 

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1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

@Elisabeth thanks. It must be harder for females, if they want family/children one day, since they have a biological clock.

Yeah, and the career break tends to be more substantial.

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I think I have to weigh the options. If I’m going to rush it I will be unhappy. That is for sure. 

Same story here.