The Giving Tree

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows His videos are top notch and I appreciate that he lives in a climate very similar to mine. I did believe the myth that touching a poisonous mushroom was risky, so I'm glad to be rid of that fear. Some of those myths are pretty strange. 

 His video is the one I trusted enough to identify the chanterelles. I found some yesterday at my parent's place. I'm not sure I'll venture out to identify many more. I once bought a huge load manure for my garden and it was full of what i believe are magic mushrooms. Cows ARE holy! 

Gave up my vision of a peaceful clean home and simple life and the hunt for a puppy is ON. Wish Shin was still here. 

Edited September 30, 2019 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

I once bought a huge load manure for my garden and it was full of what i believe are magic mushrooms. Cows ARE holy!

When I read about this some months ago I almost couldn’t believe it haha. Hope not to come across any pastures or I’d probably be too tempted not to go digging around in the shit  

 

[mandyjw]

@Zigzag Idiot I enjoyed the documentary, I used to talk on my cell phone a lot more often and it actually felt like it was hurting me. I assumed I was an insane hypochondriac, but who knows. I was really interested when they started talking about the pineal gland and the cells in the eyes. I'm also fascinated by what sunlight has to do with this. 

I feel really distracted when I'm in my house, and I'm not sure if it's because it's always a chaotic mess and I work from home and I can't relax or maybe it's because of all the electromagnetic interference and electronics.

This spring and summer spending time outside has become almost compulsion like for me. I just responded in a thread about depression. It seems like the more conscious on becomes or the more conscious they are born the more sensitive they are to things.  In recent years I got really interested in blue zones and wanted to figure out some way to move to one.

I HATE vehicles. I love driving but I hate what they've done to our lives. Walking and having a community of walking is so important for happiness. Just being able to bump into people and have spontaneous short conversations is fundamental to happiness. I HATE the fact that families are so segregated and that we raise our kids in isolation. I hate the fact that we eat alone. Of course everyone overeats! When I had meals at my parents house I never overate because conversation was rich. Now at home I often try to get that same satisfaction from food. We are told that if we feel lonely we aren't independent enough. It's fucking bullshit. We were meant to live as a tribe and live in close connection with nature. We live in the worst sort of dark ages in so many ways. 

Sorry for the rant, that's been on my mind a lot lately. Ok, for years. 

@DrewNows Cow manure is black gold. Smells like springtime. This year I used different compost in my garden and it wasn't a good idea. Just a warning though, psilocybin, I believe, is very dangerous to try to identify yourself. Even if you were completely sure of yourself the next hurdle would be proper dosage. 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 1, 2019 by mandyjw

[jbram2002]

Conversation has tried and failed to stop me from overeating many times.

[Zigzag Idiot]

@jbram2002  Have you tried typing yourself according to the Enneagram of personality. Contained in this system is what's called the idea of 'chief feature'.  This can give someone a place to start from in dealing with things of this nature. 

Apart from endocrine (essence) types which are fixed and unchangable, The attributes of personality are said to be not as fixed and thus changeable. Something we can have the actual capacity to do something about. I can empathize. I struggle often at times with escape into comfort food for dissociation from reality.

[mandyjw]

I want to copy Peter Ralston's facial expressions and use them randomly throughout my videos. #goals

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 3, 2019 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

4 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I want to copy Peter Ralston's facial expressions and use them randomly throughout my videos. #goals

 yes!

i hope you watch more of his vids and share your mimicry #entertainment

 

Loved this video. Deep talk, i feel others, just like us, deserve to experience both the "good" and the "bad" because this helps them grow (notice it's always in their power how they receive experiences), did you see this post of mine? Ill share for if you haven't.

I think empaths operate from an empty cup relationship with the world like an energy vamp. Getting out of your head letting Intelligence move you is a beautiful place to operate in. Excellent advice, i think emotional boundaries are highly important the more sensitive we get. 

 

Edited October 3, 2019 by DrewNows

[Zigzag Idiot]

@DrewNows I agree.

Great insights and rich undertone @mandyjw 

The beginning of your talk reminded me of

 

 

 

 

[DrewNows]

On 10/2/2019 at 11:09 AM, jbram2002 said:

Conversation has tried and failed to stop me from overeating many times.

Care to expand on this? Lifestyle changes can be a bitch when approached in the wrong way, unfortunately the wrong way is often the most logical way to we learn how to pursue change 

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows Thank you! Making the video and contemplation after and how I'm speaking to myself in addition to reading this thread 

triggered something and re-framed my intentions.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you! That book looks AMAZING. I saved it in my amazon cart. 

This morning during meditation I started crying and that continued off and on throughout the day. I'm not sure if it was triggered by what I mentioned previously, not that triggers matter I guess.

A week or two ago I looked at the flyer ads at the grocery store and saw an ad for "Jackabee" puppies. That's one of the last combinations of breeds (jack russel and beagle) that I want. It really stuck in my mind though. Later I had a dream about going to their house. The feelings that were involved in the dream really affected me and the next day I was looking for puppies and saw a listing for some Vizsla cross puppies. I've been hoping to rescue a dog or get a mixed breed puppy but nothing seemed right and no opportunities came up. I knew when I saw them that THAT was what I wanted. I thought that it was just an accidental litter and spent all night not sleeping great and trying to figure out how I could make the trip to get one. But when I googled the phone number the next morning I found out that the seller ran a puppy mill and sold imported puppies from God knows where. But I had clarified my desire. I found a caring Vizsla breeder closer to home with puppies expected mid-month and sent in an application and deposit. I told my Mom about it, thinking she would think I was irresponsible for wanting to take on the responsibility. Instead she was very happy about it. When I talked to my husband about it he said that he was just waiting for me to be ready to get a dog and didn't want to pressure me to take on another responsibility. I realized how irresponsible and flaky and afraid of commitment I've been since this spring, and how loving and patient everyone has been with me and cried about that. 

  Today the breeder let me know that she accepted our application and we are second in line for a male pup. I cried when I got her message. Fingers crossed everything goes well. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Yesterday I worked really hard to clean the house and get ready for my son's birthday party. SO much work for two hours of complete chaos in my home.  I took a break to go for a run. I went on my usual route and had an impulse to go the opposite direction. I'm not sure why but many of my impulses don't really feel good when I receive them. They feel a lot like they did as an 11 year old when I had OCD. They feel like a demand coming from a teacher, and I know I have to listen. I assume this is because of my ego resistance or sense of separation. I turned around thought I would go to Pomroy's. There was a strange vehicle on the road and instead I ran by the river. There were a few crows that nagged and played with me.  I stopped and a huge gorgeous heron was sitting in the middle of the river. I watched as it gracefully flew away. I knew that I was meant to go to Pomroy's anyway. I went there and didn't look for anything. Not for an apple, blackberries or mushrooms to eat, not for a sign. I just went there and felt good. On the platform/pyramid, there are three spruce trees growing, strangely as if they were planted on each corner. One on corner the roots have such wonderful character, this is the tree that you can climb. If you climb it in the wind it feels like you're one with the tree and you can feel the ever-so-subtle vibration of the tree swaying in the wind. Someone had dug a hole metal detecting on the platform and barely bothered to throw the sod back over it. Yesterday I went to the smallest spruce and touched it with both hands, closed my eyes and kissed it. When I opened my eyes I saw that where I kissed it was red paint, old graffiti art almost all worn away with time. How lovingly mother nature takes disrespect. 

Last night as I was falling asleep I had a lucid dream, describing and translating it perverts it but I am not above that kind of thing.  I was God and I was trying to figure out how to have a good time and stop being so lonely being me. So I split myself into a group of kids running around laughing with each other and getting into fights, completely oblivious that their separation was an illusion. Then I knew that if one of the kids stopped running around and watched the others, that they would realize the illusion. Then I knew that by excluding himself from the action, he would remain separate. Only when he rejoined the others with his realization be complete. I saw the perfection of forgetting and realizing. I saw the perfection of the back and forth.

Today was a blur of throwing a 7 year old's birthday party busyness. After I went for a run to shake off the stress of it. I didn't go far and was told "turn around".

11 year old me loved the number 3, thought the colors red and white were incredibly symbolic to Christ, and had a Buddhist sewing teacher who taught her that she could be an artist. 11 year old me ran and took running very seriously and when she ran she sometimes got obsessive compulsive impulses. One more lap, they'd say, then again ONE more lap. 11 year old me wanted to WIN a race so badly. That Fall 11 year old me, tiny for her age and shorter than the rest of the girls, won the first race of the season. I remember where it was, on the Indian Reservation, along the ocean. Before every single race, my mom packed me an apple and I ate an apple before every race. That tradition continued into highschool. 

I turned around and was lead to going up a road I never have run down. My Buddhist sewing teacher when i was 11 recently posted on facebook a huge harvest of quince. I was really curious and wanted to try some. As I went to run up the road I saw beautiful pears growing along the little park where I found the monarch butterflies, then caterpillars all through impulse to go there. This park is where a school house once stood and was turned into a little park, that no one ever goes to. When I went back I picked the pears and realized they were quince. 

https://www.thekitchn.com/quince-tough-fall-fruit-with-a-secret-reward-ingredient-intelligence-73041

When I got back I got another impulse, to go visit Rocky. The old apple tree I buried him under has the deepest red apples. I usually make applesauce out of them but I didn't this year. I sat over his grave and cried and lots of thoughts about not being the best pet owner and wishing I'd been more conscious throughout his life came up.  I was told that the only death I was mourning was my own. Then I noticed an enormous spruce tree right there, its roots with as much character as the one on Pomroy's platform pyramid. 

I never noticed birds before and I never liked spruce trees. I didn't know what quince were. Nature itself is truly our own creation and it's creating us.  

I just completed a very odd impulse train. I was thinking about the death of a cross country runner at a race I ran, 16 years ago. He collapsed off the trail and died and they ran my race and another before they even found him. I was going to go into the odd connections there but there's no use trying to explain it. Anyway the guy who I believe awakened Pomroy is from the city where that happened and I've been thinking about going there and researching him off and on all summer. So I googled him and an article compared him with Johnny Appleseed. So in researching Johnny Appleseed I found a mention of this book.

https://www.amazon.com/Red-Garden-Alice-Hoffman-ebook/dp/B004J4WL6O/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+red+garden&qid=1570407013&sr=8-1

[mandyjw]

I notice that having strange insights are good for finding food. It's evolutionary helpful, you see. 

I noticed that my balance of embrace life and refrain is very tied to the seasons. I'm sure that to many I appear to be all about the tantric/embrace everything path of desire type. I am, but I am not. I appear that way in reaction to most of the other's imbalances here. It has nothing to do with me whatsoever.

I woke up with nature around me this spring and the current time of year will have its own affect. 

Edited October 7, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

"You are running around this planet as cooperative components to one another. Not to do bad things to each other and not to teach each other lessons, but to sift through the data to put things in your vortex to which you inner being is already aligned so that you can experience the joy of alignment." Abraham Hicks

Edited October 11, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

My God, MY GOD suffering is a choice. 

That was what was left in the text box here from a couple days ago. It's a message I needed to see now. 

I seem to have hit a wall of frustration. In fact, what's really fucking frustrating is that the wall is imaginary. If there was a wall, I'd know where I was. 

"Oh my God, I hit a wall! What shall I do now? Perhaps I can climb over it, go around it, maybe I can dig UNDER it?"

Nope. There's no wall. I just feels like there's a wall. 

It's like Terrence McKenna said about telling people about how this magical sand helped scrub the stuck stuff off the pots and pans, so he took someone to show and it failed to work and they looked at him like they felt sorry for him. 

I want to settle on something. I don't want to be groundless. I want to know the right advice to give, I want to know the right course of action, I want to have values and morals to live by. 

I enjoyed building the sandcastle, I enjoyed the feeling of sand slipping through my fingers. I enjoyed watching the tide come in and wash it all away.

Now it's just really fucking cold, standing here on the beach all alone in the cold autumn wind. Time to pack up and go home.

Don't mind my drama, it's also just imaginary with no meaning whatsoever behind it. 

 

Edited October 14, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

My mom bought my kids glowsticks a long time ago and my daughters was a butterfly wand, and she liked it so much that we kept it even though it no longer glows. A few nights ago my kids fought over the wand and my son kept pointing at me and saying "dead!" and my daughter would take it and say "alive!" and I would play dead or spring back to life on command each time. Eventually they got so wound up that they started smacking me over the head with the wand and going back and forth so fast that I no longer knew if I was supposed to be playing dead or alive. 

Last night my daughter found my son's wolf winter hat and wore it over her head like a mask and pretended to be a wolf. I was tired and the simplistic eyes freaked me out the realization of symbolism and reality as a collapsing duality hit me and I saw the mask as real. Then she took her mask off and I realized that our faces are just masks. I remember the quote from Moby Dick that Pretom had said, when he told me in a PM to "strike through the masks."

"Hark ye yet again,—the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event—in the living act, the undoubted deed—there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there’s naught beyond." Moby Dick

And there's my wall. 

 

Edited October 15, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Robert Frost

“This is your world
You’re the creator
Find freedom on this canvas
Believe, that you can do it,
‘Cuz you can do it.
You can do it.”
― Bob Ross

"And in your world you put as many or as few trees as you want. It's up to you, totally and completely up to you." Bob Ross

 

Edited October 15, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Love is the negation that can't be negated. 

Lately I've struggled with feeling unloved, the same feeling as hitting the wall. This morning I was trying to contemplate my way through the feelings. I was first thinking about masks, and I was ready to get up, and my little girl woke up and I brought her into our bed and settled down again until she fell back asleep so I could get up myself. She almost always takes a stuffed animal with her but this morning, she had one thing, a mask my sister just gave her Monday. 

A couple days ago, we went on a trip with the kids and the drive home was long. I've always been as I'm able, completely honest with my husband. I talked about the sensations in my forehead and the awakening and he made a comment that "I got through it", as if to him it was a psychotic break or some kind. I don't think this is what he meant, but that fear that it was a psychotic break, that I am crazy triggered me to face that wall. Why else can't I tell the story without feeling crazy? Then he said his quote that he's said so many times that it annoys me "Assume everything you know to be true is false" and told me to apply it to my beliefs about love, and the beliefs that Leo speaks about with love being everything. Ooooohh that hurt. THAT belief did not want to go. It's funny, I used to use the password truthlove for everything unimportant ever since we were teenagers and he would use the password idontknow. 

So this morning I was contemplating, not thinking about what my husband said but trying to figure out why I felt unloved. It struck me that they idea of love coming from outside myself was a complete lie, and that only I could love myself. This realization really hurts when you are facing a wall. It is the negation of love. 

We think of love as something we give and receive but truly it's not. You tune in and lose yourself or you tune out and see the masks and face the wall. Even that differentiation, tuned in and tuned out, can be negated. Love is the negation itself that can't be negated. 

 

 

 

Edited October 16, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Of course, if only I can love myself, who am I? If love cannot be given or received how can there be a giver or a receiver at all? 

 

[DrewNows]

This one reminds me a lot of you and what you share 

Love is allowing