The Giving Tree

[mandyjw]

THE LEFT, the left, the left! I couldn't feel the heart on the right, the path of Ramaji and Ramana Maraharshi, they are ass backwards to the path of grace. The stomach pain, all the strange chronic pain I've had is on the left, the uncentered light I saw, always to the left. There are TWO paths, two energies.

Lightning strikes down, rain falls down. It rains on mother earth and the seed grows up toward the light, blossoms and bears fruit. 

[mandyjw]

When you really miss someone and it feels like they want nothing to do with you, the ego wants to turn the strength of love around and it twists itself inside out and becomes hate. Where else can it go but turn inward? There is another to receive the love, but there is no other to hate, so hate destroys. The only way through is to surrender, go into the sensation and feel the burning fire of it. It's not love, it's not hate, it's just hot burning energy. Coincidentally, that's the same way women are coached to deal with labor pains. 

The story isn't finished yet. 

 

Edited August 11, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Our desire for love and inclusion COULD be blamed for the arising of hate and loneliness. Rid yourself of the desire to be loved and included and you'll become whole and independent. This fatal thinking is the what I suspect to be the highest position of the ego. The last boss? 

There is no inner peace, love and inclusion without the outer. Sure, you're the screen the movie plays on. But you can't turn the movie off for good. Every morning you wake up and the damn thing turns on by itself! It has no off switch. It feels a lot better to not be so absorbed in a horror film when you know that it all just plays on a screen. A lot of us in this work decide to dull ourselves to the horror scenes, so that they no longer affect us and we no longer care for the characters in the movie. We learn to laugh as we watch heads roll. 

It never occurred to us to change the fucking channel. 

[mandyjw]

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Yesterday I went out for a run in between thunderstorms. I ended up at the cemetery so I went in. I love the old trees, the fact that that's where my mystical experiences started and all the Easter eggs of names and dates and poetry. Poems about death and the afterlife, masonic symbols, what better place to study and feel oneness than an old cemetery? When I left Pomroy's grave the moss on the steps was wet from the rain and I slipped bad. It was one of those near disaster kind of falls, the narrow sharp stone steps would have done a lot of damage but I somehow swung my arms back and caught myself on the higher steps. "What do you so badly want me to see?" I went back and saw some new crow feathers in the huge stone bird baths. To my surprise the bases of the black feathers were white. 

Last night I had symbolic dream downloads again. I dreamed of the infinity sign. I saw that it was two interconnected paths, The grail path and the Hero's journey. The two as one sign keeps showing itself over and over again in things I find or see significance in.

Then in the dream the infinity sign was turned on its side and spun until it went from 2D to 3D and it became a donut and I remembered it from Leo's strange loop video and how there is no inner nor outer but it's a vortex on itself. Then the donut became a tunnel and I saw the ring I so often see when I close my eyes but this time it became a tunnel then a  starburst.

Today was a really difficult day. My son told me twice that he dreamed of moths that breathed fire. I ended up being led by crows back to the cemetery and there was a white moth on the stone covering Dr. Pomroy. The crows cawed and flew over me the whole time. On the way back one stood over me on a power line crossing the road and stared over something. It was a half eaten apple. 

 

Edited August 13, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

The night before last I went to historical society presentation on Dr. Pomroy. As I walked in my old music teacher from gradeschool who didn't recognize me, asked if I was going to the presentation. I said yes and he said "Dr. Pomroy lives again." An older man remembered the aftermath of the fire well, and stories from it. He said that no matter what they did, they couldn't get water up there and ended up pumping it from below. Funny that he had a Rebekah at the Well statue and fountain. He owned another farm called "Red Gate Farm", maybe where he grew up. There's a beautiful photo of it, him and his wife are on the lawn and standing in the gate are Eva Eye and Thomas Eye, his niece and nephew who he took in.

Last night I did my third walk at night under a full moon and went all the way to visit Pomroy's grave. It wasn't as scary to be in the cemetery at night as I had imagined but it was still an adrenaline rush. I laid down in front of his monument and looked up at the stars. In my vision was the monument reaching to the sky and the branches of the trees across hanging down with the star flecked sky in between. There's nothing left really, no spirits to haunt, but a beautiful place full of nature and energy, created in the moment in consciousness of it. I began to tap into those feelings, that haven't come from my own experiences. I was pulled out from them by the insight, "It's your life." I left him an acorn that had fallen from the oldest tree on his property and forgotten about in my pocket. I felt the warmth of the granite stone that covers his grave, carved to point upwards like a pyramid. As my hands were on the stone something thrashed loudly underneath the stone. A snake? I went back down the steps with my heart still pounding and a sense of peace. This experience was nothing, like all the rest have been. 

 

Edited August 16, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

[mandyjw]

Living up to the title of my journal is a challenge. Can't we just skip ahead to the part where the boy wakes up and becomes a man? It hasn't been written yet you say? 

[mandyjw]

Chanterelles were growing all over Dr.Pomroy's so I couldn't resist and spent almost an hour researching making sure I knew what they were. They are an easier one to identify because if you mess up you get really sick but there aren't any poison ones you can mistake them for. I told my friend I ate wild mushrooms and she said "You know, EVERYTHING is edible... once."

 I have always really believed in the magic of spirit of place, eating local and foraging, now more so than ever. 

There's synchronicity on the origin of the name Chanterelle, after having learned about the Grail Path to enlightenment. The generic name Cantharellus is derived from the Latin word cantharus (initially from the Greek ‘kantharos’) meaning a drinking vessel (generally with handles), a bowl or a chalice. 

I just now found a bunch of mushroom art on facebook and am inspired. I also found this quote.

"The little girl just could not sleep because her thoughts were way too deep, her mind had gone out for a stroll and fallen down the rabbit hole." ~ Lewis Caroll

I woke up with a lot of energy today and there was a lightning storm early this morning. 

I went for a walk in the woods with my dad and my direwolf rescued blue doberman that I had to give to my parents when I had kids, and we found this strange ghostly looking mushroom and he said "There, I created that!" We talk about manifesting reality a lot. 

I finished The Secret of the Golden Flower. It's one of those short but challenging and profound books you know you'll want to reread and refer to a lot. It's incredibly well balanced between falling into nihilism, demonizing thought and getting lost in creation. 

I'm reading Jesus' Wedding by Mischa V Alyea. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I'm hoping I can move on with my life. 

[mandyjw]

Oh... shit. It was my own power I was scared of the whole time. There's no me, so it's not mine. I found Leo because I've always had uncontrollable passion, fury, anger, I wanted to learn how to deal with my anger. I remember specifically that Leo said he never had that problem in the video. Yet his advice really helped and I got hooked on his videos, so much so that I even tolerated the pick up stuff which bothered me. That was beginning the path to opening to Grace, masculine logical understanding. 

Years before I was driving home a lonely two hour drive on rural roads and someone passed me in a very rude manner and I got furious about it. 70 miles up the road I found the remains of his car on the side of the road all burned up. I always wondered about the power of my misplaced intentions. 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

 

[Truth Addict]

10 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Years before I was driving home a lonely two hour drive on rural roads and someone passed me in a very rude manner and I got furious about it. 70 miles up the road I found the remains of his car on the side of the road all burned up. I always wondered about the power of my misplaced intentions. 

I should be more careful around you ?

[mandyjw]

@Truth Addict It's ok, I'm free of my angry outbursts. For now. 

[jbram2002]

(now they're all directed at me instead, so you're safe)

[mandyjw]

@jbram2002 Sometimes I let my unconditional love be blocked with conditions. 

 

[SilentTears]

@mandyjw The grail path came in the mail today! I’m excited to read and I would love to tell you what I think about it if you are interested. When you explained the book it really stuck out to me so I thought I would give it a shot 

Also, I apologize if you find it inappropriate of me commenting on your journal. >.>

[mandyjw]

I would LOVE to hear your thoughts about it. I appreciate comments on my journal so feel free to come here to chat anytime!