The Giving Tree

[Zigzag Idiot]

Leo Gura 4-24-1985  

4 +2+4+1+9+8+5  = 33    3+3 = 6

Leo has a 33/6 Life Lesson number.  33 is the Christ Vibration number.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

8 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Please don't do that to me. I have a life, you know?

Ha!

yeah,  that was intentional.

[mandyjw]

@Zigzag Idiot Love it. I used to love the number 3 as a child. Hated 6. I have a REALLY fun zip code number. 

I love this song from the Osho documentary. 

 

[hariseldon74]

@mandyjw oh I hope you are ok!!  I hope it's not Lyme

[Truth Addict]

@mandyjw Please stop laughing out of the blue! Your laughter is contagious ??

[mandyjw]

@Truth Addict That's the BEST kind! 

 

 

[mandyjw]

You feel disconnected. It's your fault you're disconnected, because there's no you. What the fuck? Where is the love in that? 

There's something, He says. And if you don't believe me here's a tree loaded with fruit and you never made a choice to eat from it, and halfway through picking off the fruits and eating them you realize what you've done. 

Nothing is inherent in something. In other words, nothing is none of your fucking business. The more you try to grasp something the more you come to know nothing. 

I hate this rural cut off from all opportunity area, what kind of idiotic ambitionless person wants to live here? I hate cities worse. I hate people and I detest their ambitions. It's a love/hate relationship, and I'd rather not deal with it at all. My lonely life is a consolation prize. At least the percentage of nature to utter bullshit is much more favorable in the middle of nowhere. We have designed towns, cities and communities based on a sense of separateness and a worship of materialism. We've turned paradise into a concrete jungle of hell. 

Where is the grace? Whatever happened to consent God, I didn't fucking ask to be born, to be born here, to be born me, and you say I did. You say I'm you and if I accept that I have no one left to blame. What impossible, maddening situation is this? You created someone to answer to, you created duality out of nonduality, now answer me God, where is the grace, where is the love? There IS something. There IS an I. Settle up you lying piece of shit. 

 

[DrewNows]

isn’t it....Ironic, don’t you think?   

 

 

[mandyjw]

Ramaji's 1000 has a few different possible effects on me. It exhausts me, pisses me off or I feel such synchronicity with it. Maybe those are just all the possible reactions I can have to life in general.  I'm taking my time with it. 

I had the realization that I feel like since I'm not properly integrated, which is a concept, that I can't be any good to anyone, because I still keep forgetting that I am not an i. I just had a spectacular conversation with my parents. I had in a text conversation with Dad a week ago in which I tried to get him to stop thinking that identifying as an atheist would help him heal his deep disappointment and disillusionment with his Christian past. I thought I got too bold when I said "I can't wait until you go through your Christian revival stage." 

It started with him talking about how he talks to spiders. He always has made friends with the spiders in their bathroom and he was telling one how to build its web so that he wouldn't have to disturb it when he grabs his toothbrush.  Mom overheard him talking to the spider about how it should build its web and the next day, it did just as he suggested. I told him that yes, it's real, it's meaningful and that's what faith means.

Right now he has a miserable job, hauling pavement in a dumptruck with no air conditioning so he has LOTS of time to think. He said that it annoyed him that I said that about the revival stage, that he couldn't stop thinking about it and kept thinking of verses and how they still had meaning and I fully explained in stages how my awakening happened and the kill Buddha when you meet him meaning. I confessed about the grins on my face at the funerals I had to attend at the time and how the verses took on a new meaning and everything resolved in a full circle way. I can tell that they both deeply desire to have a resolution to Christianity, as I did but didn't understand. After Mom said, "If I had known this conversation would have happened I would have recorded it because it would have gotten thousands of views on youtube." 

 I told her that you might think that sometimes but in reality, no one really cares. 

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows Great synchronicity, Alanis Morissette is the singer I've probably hated the most for the longest amount of time.  I appreciate her now though, thank you. 

That reminds me of the other song I've HATED all my life. Oh life.  Not only the things you passionately love but passionately hate are the most powerful pointers. 

Lyrics

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down, into my core
Where I've become so numb, without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there, and lead it, back, home

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to life
Bring me to life

Frozen inside, without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are my life
Among the dead

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Don't let me die here
Bring, me, to, life

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to life
Bring me to life
Bring me to life

[DrewNows]

@mandyjw that’s excellent ?

I really like bring me to life, always had since I first heard it.

My mom sort of has the opposite personality of you so makes sense why you despise Morissette and she’s a big fan, naturally I learned to fancy it  

[hariseldon74]

On 7/13/2019 at 8:29 PM, mandyjw said:

You feel disconnected. It's your fault you're disconnected, because there's no you. What the fuck? Where is the love in that? 

There's something, He says. And if you don't believe me here's a tree loaded with fruit and you never made a choice to eat from it, and halfway through picking off the fruits and eating them you realize what you've done. 

Nothing is inherent in something. In other words, nothing is none of your fucking business. The more you try to grasp something the more you come to know nothing. 

I hate this rural cut off from all opportunity area, what kind of idiotic ambitionless person wants to live here? I hate cities worse. I hate people and I detest their ambitions. It's a love/hate relationship, and I'd rather not deal with it at all. My lonely life is a consolation prize. At least the percentage of nature to utter bullshit is much more favorable in the middle of nowhere. We have designed towns, cities and communities based on a sense of separateness and a worship of materialism. We've turned paradise into a concrete jungle of hell. 

Where is the grace? Whatever happened to consent God, I didn't fucking ask to be born, to be born here, to be born me, and you say I did. You say I'm you and if I accept that I have no one left to blame. What impossible, maddening situation is this? You created someone to answer to, you created duality out of nonduality, now answer me God, where is the grace, where is the love? There IS something. There IS an I. Settle up you lying piece of shit. 

 

@mandyjw

On 7/13/2019 at 8:29 PM, mandyjw said:

You feel disconnected. It's your fault you're disconnected, because there's no you. What the fuck? Where is the love in that? 

There's something, He says. And if you don't believe me here's a tree loaded with fruit and you never made a choice to eat from it, and halfway through picking off the fruits and eating them you realize what you've done. 

Nothing is inherent in something. In other words, nothing is none of your fucking business. The more you try to grasp something the more you come to know nothing. 

I hate this rural cut off from all opportunity area, what kind of idiotic ambitionless person wants to live here? I hate cities worse. I hate people and I detest their ambitions. It's a love/hate relationship, and I'd rather not deal with it at all. My lonely life is a consolation prize. At least the percentage of nature to utter bullshit is much more favorable in the middle of nowhere. We have designed towns, cities and communities based on a sense of separateness and a worship of materialism. We've turned paradise into a concrete jungle of hell. 

Where is the grace? Whatever happened to consent God, I didn't fucking ask to be born, to be born here, to be born me, and you say I did. You say I'm you and if I accept that I have no one left to blame. What impossible, maddening situation is this? You created someone to answer to, you created duality out of nonduality, now answer me God, where is the grace, where is the love? There IS something. There IS an I. Settle up you lying piece of shit. 

 

It's time like this I just love the moon in silence.  Breath it in.  Remember it's temporary how we are feeling. It's so hard to see such materialism and waste but we need the time to contemplate to see the world's beauty

 

Pic from tonight

[mandyjw]

@Marc Schinkel I haven't listened to that one enough. Thanks.

@hariseldon74 YES! I got outside for a walk last night and there was a thunderstorm off in the distance, God's rays through the clouds and then lightning. It was a great show. 

I'm getting a better look at what causes my hermit tendencies. Like everything it has a light side and a dark side. Understanding the behavior helps to let it go and stop letting it define (limit) "you". Sometimes we have to experience consciously the pattern to understand it. Of course at its root is the I thought, the I thought that automatically creates the other, believes that it (ego) will be more spiritual and at peace if the other is avoided. We want hard and fast rules to things. "The guru shouldn't speak so much." "Silence is holy." "It's better to not get involved or make waves." All these things are trying to find ground in groundlessness. When you give yourself (to God), you don't know what you'll do or say next but you know the place it will come from. 

Edited July 15, 2019 by mandyjw

[hariseldon74]

@mandyjw,   have you ever heard of Akiane.  I don't know why I'm drawn to her artwork, but for some reason when things don't make sense I listen to her talk and things make more sense to me. She is what I would consider an earth angel.   

What I love about her is like because of how she grew up she almost comes at things with a childlike beauty and almost as if she is taken away from the world in some ways to a safe place to display her artwork.  It's like almost all of her rough spots are not even there anymore and she is displaying it all.  Yes it might be partly how she markets her artwork, but whenever I listen to her and see her painting I feel peace.  That's how it feels to me sometimes in nature.  Yes nature is definitely so harsh and so soft at the same time both times.  I don't know why but I feel like we have so many harsh things in the world and they are always running around in our heads and I guess Akiane is a bit of a sanctuary of a person so calm and relaxed what it would be like enlightened in just peace.

If you don't have time for the 10 minutes I recommend starting at minute 6:30

 

 

[mandyjw]

@hariseldon74 Wow, no I hadn't heard of her before, I'll check out her channel. 

 

 

[Truth Addict]

@mandyjw

Awesome video Mandy! I have noticed many changes, including getting the lovely tan skin!

Your style is becoming more grounded and mature, I like that. It's apparent in your posts here on the forum as well.

What practices have you been doing lately if you don't mind answering?

Oh, and the silent gaps are always on point!

[mandyjw]

@Truth Addict Thank you! I'm meditating first thing in the morning for a half hour. Besides that I try to be aware throughout the day and am bringing in a lot more body awareness than before. Leading up to my awakening I noticed that I was getting very non-reactive and that my depressive moods were getting more and more infrequent. The awakening completely threw me through a loop. An experience of no self causes ego backlash at first. When I think of ego backlash I usually think of anger, a depressive and nihilist state but this ego backlash was more complicated and complex than just that especially when bliss states are mixed in, ugh!  It took months for my mind to slow back down again. I'm getting back to that "state" (nonstate?) I was trying so hard for before the awakening. At the same time I'm careful not to let my mind and ego define that "state" like it did before and try to dictate what it should look like. 

[Truth Addict]

@mandyjw

Very nice! ??

I'm so glad for you. And I'm excited to see how your path will unfold as you keep sharing it with us as well.

Looking forward for more.

For now, here's a little gift for you, expressing my gratitude for knowing you:

??

Edited July 17, 2019 by Truth Addict

[mandyjw]

@Truth Addict 

I'm excited to see how our path will unfold as well. 

I love the gift, you know me well. 

 

[mandyjw]

Feeling a lot of disconnection between "others" and "self". Not in a conflict way, but feeling unfulfilled and disconnected from myself. I want to interact but I feel like anything I say to anyone else is unnecessary, maybe from ego and yet I am for now unable to connect in deeper ways.