Becoming Outcome Independent

[courageouslittleone]

Hello everyone! I'm new here and this is my first time posting. Hopefully this is the correct section to post this in.

 

I struggle with being too dependent on outcome. Lately I have been having plans getting canceled last minute and I noticed I am having this roller coaster ride of emotions...from excited anticipating the plans to disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration when they got canceled. One thing I'm starting to do, which I think is good, is actually *feeling* the emotions after I find out plans got canceled, instead of just suppressing them and pretending I was ok or it wasn't a big deal. It would be nice to get to the point where I don't flip out if plans get canceled, though.

 

What has been helpful to you with becoming more outcome independent? 

[ChimpBrain]

I'm new to this whole thing too, but reading about stoicism has helped me in this regard. Specifically Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and A Guide to the Good Life- the Ancient Art of Stoic Joy. Both are books recommended by Leo.

[Nathalie]

7 hours ago, courageouslittleone said:

One thing I'm starting to do, which I think is good, is actually *feeling* the emotions after I find out plans got canceled, instead of just suppressing

I think already have made a great leap.. and if you stay in touch with your feeling and possibly discover them through meditation and observing while living your everyday life, you will surely learn a lot about yourself and accept all your emotions as a wonderful part of you.

So you would be leaded automatically to where you don't flip out anymore because you will (or already are?) able to recognize and acknoledge what arises and therefore to handle it kindly

I could also recommend you this video from Matt kahn

 

[courageouslittleone]

Thank you for sharing the video. I found it helpful. 

[Philip]

On 4/27/2016 at 6:29 PM, courageouslittleone said:

Lately I have been having plans getting canceled last minute and I noticed I am having this roller coaster ride of emotions...

@courageouslittleone I've made some good progress those last two years at becoming more outcome independent. One really important thing I've noticed is that this roller coaster ride was ALSO PART of the "outcome" you were trying to be "independent" of. It was just another event that happened to you, as much as your plans getting canceled or anything else.

But when you feel into your emotions without judging them on a regular basis for long enough, they start to become more neutral and less personal. It's almost like someone else is having the emotions for you. It's weird how pleasant life can get when you don't really feel stuck inside your own emotions anymore. It's quite liberating, let me tell you.

But how will you get to this point? Personally, my two main tools were research and observation.

By research, I mean I've studied how the human mind works. I basically learned that all my emotions, even though they seemed to be founded in logical and rightful indignation, were actually caused by my childish, manipulative and pathetic subconscious mind. That helped a lot. I started taking myself less seriously in a way. And if you don't know see what I mean by that, just surf wikipedia until you do

And by observation, I mean I've studied how MY OWN mind is working. I started revealing the depths and nastiness of my subconscious thoughts and desires. I discovered how each event that pisses me off is only pissing me off because it's showing one of my weaknesses or insecurities. I've also learned to hear all the bullshit my inner voice says. And if you don't know see what I mean by that, just go ahead and meditate until you do

[Joseph Maynor]

I think I'm getting to this place now.

[Visitor]

On 4/28/2016 at 8:29 AM, courageouslittleone said:

I struggle with being too dependent on outcome. ... I am having this roller coaster ride of emotions...from excited anticipating the plans to disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration when they got canceled...

What has been helpful to you with becoming more outcome independent? 

What causes these emotions of tension is the fear of not coping with your lost investment of things not going your way.

What I do when things don't go my way:

1. Realize that I had created an investment, for my self-esteem (ego-energy). I created a situation that if the outcome manifests to my plans, then I will be validated. I will get what will make me feel okay, worthy, blessed, right, loved,...
2. Because of the lost investment, and validation due, my self-esteem feels threatened. Plus, not having a Plan B (coping strategy) in place, I feel exposed and vulnerable (to possible negative judgment).
3. Now is the time to let go of the situation. I know that I need to accept it. If i do not accept it, I will continue to struggle with it until I do. What helps me to accept the situation? I have a few self-talk cliches such as: "It was not meant to be at this time". This usually means I was not properly prepared, because the definition of good luck is when preparation meets opportunity. Another cliche is: "I am still okay without the outcome". This usually reminds me that deep down I really do not need anything to be okay, because I am already okay, but have forgotten that.
4. Now is the time to accept what I already have, because that is the situation I am in without my planned outcome. For some reason I wanted better, more, of something different than I am in. So I need to be honest and ask myself what it is that I cannot accept. Once I see what it is, it is time to either change it if I can, or accept it. Altered attitudes works very well for most unaccepted circumstances.

Edited July 15, 2017 by Visitor

[Damir Elezi]

What helps me in such situations is the realization that outcome does not matter. I mean, literally, nobody gives a fuck, everything I achieve or don't achieve will be forgotten. After we are dead, we will not have anything out of it any more. This sounds pretty pessimistic but it keeps my mind on the fact that it's pointless to do stuff only for the outcome. What matters is if you generally feel good doing that activity. You will not love an activity every day and every time, but ask yourself if it generally increases your well-being and brings you joy. If it does, do the thing for the activity itself. This way, the outcome will not affect you in any way, since you don't even care. 

I, for example, am a rapper. When I'm writing and recording stuff I often notice that I don't like the thing I produced, it doesn't fit my expectations a.s.o. Can be pretty frustrating. But when I remind myself that I make rap music mainly because I like doing it, I don't even care any more because I can always start over. Do the thing for its own sake. This is the best way to develop discipline.

[Arkandeus]

35 minutes ago, Damir Elezi said:

What helps me in such situations is the realization that outcome does not matter. I mean, literally, nobody gives a fuck, everything I achieve or don't achieve will be forgotten. After we are dead, we will not have anything out of it any more. This sounds pretty pessimistic but it keeps my mind on the fact that it's pointless to do stuff only for the outcome. What matters is if you generally feel good doing that activity. You will not love an activity every day and every time, but ask yourself if it generally increases your well-being and brings you joy. If it does, do the thing for the activity itself. This way, the outcome will not affect you in any way, since you don't even care. 

I, for example, am a rapper. When I'm writing and recording stuff I often notice that I don't like the thing I produced, it doesn't fit my expectations a.s.o. Can be pretty frustrating. But when I remind myself that I make rap music mainly because I like doing it, I don't even care any more because I can always start over. Do the thing for its own sake. This is the best way to develop discipline.

great mindset, peace