Why do I have an underlying feelings of resentment towards my brother?

[kindayellow]

Okay so to provide some context, he's my older brother by 3 years, (I'm 18 he's 21) lived together our entire lives other than when he was in University but has since returned in June 2018. I've not had an especially traumatic family life, no big dramas or scandals. Just seems to me like a multitude of different smaller events or themes throughout my life that have resulted in this resentment for my brother.

I do not wish to hate him, which is why I'm making this post, I think it'll also do good to type things out and self reflect and come up with some of my own insights.

As little kids, I think of my relationship with him to be fairly normal by my own standards, usual periods of arguing and play fighting, and the normal younger brother attitude of me wanting to be better than my older brother and to become my own person. But as time went on I found the norms of relationships to wear down on me. I remember being 10 years old and after him doing something to annoy me, I broke down crying and yelled to my parents about something along the lines of not being able to cope with how much he annoyed/frustrate me. There were no major things he would do, as in like big events, but just a lot of small things, 99% of which I don't remember. Some of them included him putting his arm on my head when taking a family photo, him stealing the TV remote when I was watching TV, having to come with him and my mum to guitar lessons most days after school for an hour and wait patiently, dunking me underwater in the pool, things like that. And as he was 3 years older than me, he was much smarter than I was and I felt like he was always right about everything and I tried to prove him wrong on things at any given moment. So much so that I still remember him being wrong about what gender Foxy Loxy was. So I essentially seeked validation that I was also a competent human being. When I was between the ages of 11-13, I was starting high school, I remember him being told to walk with me on the first day to show me where school was but he just walked way far ahead of me instead of walking with me. At this age I started to feel incredibly insecure. I never wanted my family to find out I listened to music, because as a kid I wasn't interested and I wanted to maintain that self image. And it actually wasn't until I was 16 my family knew about my music taste. And I guess I should add that I definitely don't blame him for my insecurities, that was also my parents and people at school, I was afraid of everyone's opinions of me or the stuff I was into, not just my brother's.

I'm aware I said at the start of this post there were no major events, but there were 2-3 that came to mind that happened within the last year or so. When Lil Peep passed away of a drug overdose, I wasn't a fan of him at the time, I grew to like his music, but looking back at what he said about him at the time really hurt my feelings. He said something along the lines of him being a 'fucking idiot' or something like that. He's into heavy metal and has a classic superiority complex that everything he likes is the best and things other people like or that are mainstream are for brain dead idiots with no taste. So he shits on hip hop as thats my musical taste. But the biggest thing was when XXXTentacion passed away in June last year, I mourned for months over his death, and i made a collage of his pictures and had it as my desktop wallpaper, he saw it and asked who it was, at that moment, I chose not to say anything, and feed into a likely insult towards him when I was mourning over him. He then suggested some name like "Lil Blue Hair" or shit like that in an overbearingly condescending voice, and in an effort to once again maybe prove him wrong, I said his name as he was leaving the room after me beforehand not saying anything. On his way up the stairs he said "Oh that dickhead that died". It infuriated me but I just managed to remain calm at that time. Maybe a week later I was watching a video of the memorial held outside Adam22's store, and I was watching it in the living room with the door shut, purposely so I could deter anyone interrupting me. And he came in whilst I was watching the video, stood there for a while watching. He then started mocking what was happening in the video, at the point he came in I was already teary eyed a little. And I just calmly told him he should go out the room and leave me alone, but he continued to mock him. I then just broke and forcefully pushed him out the room, swearing at him etc. He then continued to make more hurtful comments about him and stuff he's read online about him. It was the first time I had been properly furious in a long while and knew things would only escalate further if I didn't leave. So I left the house for a while, and we had a family talk once my parents were home about what happened, and we "made-up" but I didn't. For the time he stands by the things he's said about him I just cannot have a relationship with him. The anger I felt was partly over how much I was defending X, but just a lot of built up anger I had purely towards him as a person. 

So I credit that event alone to some of the resentment I have towards him, but I felt like I've had these bitter feelings towards him long before that. But as far as I know we had a normal relationship growing up. But it just feels like I'm missing something, or there's some natural primitive thing wired into my brain that just has all these negative feelings towards him. I really don't know, I'd appreciate anyone's advice about why I might feel the way I feel. I don't need a good relationship, and I'm good with just avoiding him, but at the same time I have a lot of negative feelings suppressed that I feel need to be resolved.

[Chives99]

youre coming of age now and are seeking your own life and independence and are still stuck in the same situation as you were growing up, i think deep down you may feel jealous as he is living is life away at university. I know this because my housemates both gotten relationships and that became their life and ive got pushed to the sidelines, its never the little things; that is the underlying problem but what it reminds you of. That you aren't able to live your own life, meet new people and express yourself. I moved away for six form college at 18 to york and again at 21 for university in middlesbrough. the best thing i ever did as their was no life for me in the countryside, my sister getting on and living life also annoyed me , my mind didnt want to admit that so i pretended it was things like leaving hair in the sink that was annoying me. I'm so glad my parents pushed me each time to go and do these things as I didnt want to leave my comfort zone, because ive grown in magnitudes and everyone noticed even after just a month or two of being away.

That was 2014 and im 22 now, which was the time I first discovered actualised.org. Poofed into my life when I  was the most lost, rather convenient.

Edited June 10, 2019 by Chives99

[Pallero]

It sounds like you resent your brother because you don't feel loved or accepted by him. Even more than that, it sounds like you feel bullied, abandoned and mocked by him. So. That would make anyone resentful. Did he ever care about how those events made you feel?

[kindayellow]

@Pallero @Chives99 I definitely feel no love from him, and I currently feel no love for him myself although I wouldn't mind improving our relationship, and yes I guess, I wouldn't say he bullies me now, but I guess in the past there was some non physical bullying going on maybe. And no, no remorse whatsoever for how those events made me feel, and even if I did bring it up to him, I doubt he'd care, he has a tendency to say sorry because he feels that's the right thing to say but doesn't actually mean it.

[Hellspeed]

You dont love him enough, energetically speaking. Maybe you think you can love with words and actions or the brain.

There is only 1 type of love in the end.

[Pallero]

On 12.6.2019 at 0:31 AM, kindayellow said:

@Pallero @Chives99 I definitely feel no love from him, and I currently feel no love for him myself although I wouldn't mind improving our relationship, and yes I guess, I wouldn't say he bullies me now, but I guess in the past there was some non physical bullying going on maybe. And no, no remorse whatsoever for how those events made me feel, and even if I did bring it up to him, I doubt he'd care, he has a tendency to say sorry because he feels that's the right thing to say but doesn't actually mean it.

You can't live with someone who you have this sort of unsafe relationship with. You do live with him, don't you?

[kindayellow]

@Pallero i do live with him yes, luckily he plans to move out within the next 12 months.

We both do a pretty good job of staying out each other's way. Although he plays guitar a lot and he does it loudly, which is annoying. Another thing is that he does 5% of the housework even though he's at home the most, but makes excuses about why he's so busy and can't just do his part to help out when me, my mum and dad all work full time and he only works part time

[Chives99]

@kindayellow that hate for him is really just hate for yourself, if you didnt feel like you were separate from the rest of the world, what would their be to hate??