Reflection - Mastery Discipline Life Purpose

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Ferdi Le  Sure, your welcome !

Something related to CS. It's a bachelor of science yet they combined a lot of stuff in it. It's 60% cs based and 40% media basically. So, both more creative and analytical. I like it, yet I don't like the place where I am studying at. It's quite isolated. 

Edited October 15, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[Ferdi Le]

In which city do you study? I think you mentioned something about being in Germany. Hannover?

 

I live in Berlin btw 

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Ferdi Le lol. That is nice I'll pm you the city. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on my pattern of discomort.

Today is a day where I feel comfort will triumph, let alone because I just feel that way. I will face discomfort later when I will go for a 40 min run this time instead of 35 minutes on the treadmill. So, I will see how discomfort will affect me afterwards and write about it tomorrow. I did waste time today, but woke up relatively early around 10am. Which is pure luxury, but tbh you could bash a gazallion more people than me. Self-acceptance and aceepting this discomforting notion that I perceive in general is better than being a good do nothing moralist. So, I will pass over the sarcasm. So, today it's the reverse. How will comfort impact me postively ? I will meditate in approx. 40 min with the LPP program and either listen to an audiobook or try to meditate with music on the treadmill with some music similar to which I practice last HPP with the special programm. Otherwise, the embarrasing discomfort part today I will leave out. 

I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for going to the gym.
I am grateful for experiencing discomfort and comfort.
I am grateful that I am out of the rut.
I am grateful that I start putting in a lot more work

3 traits of future self 
Hard-working
Savvy
Love of Learning

 

Edited October 16, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Okay I will most likely go to the doctor tomorrow I ran for 40 min today and again it was easier then I thought, yet I killed the treadmill again by stepping accidentially on it to hard apparently. Anyway, I had to plug it in and out and start the machine again. That took me 4-5 minutes, so i don't know how far I ran but approx. 6km +. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on my pattern of discomort.

I was being to comfortable today so far, I did wake up later than usual. Because I was accepting comfort maybe a bit to much, yet today my meditation session showed me it's also needed. So, I don't know this is the first time where I became so stressed out that I stopped the meditation because of stress and this feeling was actually in my chest, either my heart or my solar plexus. This time solar plexus. So, I noticed this thick uncomfortable energy or vein pumping through my body. I woke up and my arm felt fine so I did not go to the doctor 4h later the same problem again, so I will go tomorrow. I know I am making partial excuses, yet I am the infrastructure is so bad, that I EVEN HAVE TO THINk cutting of my arm is more worth then spending 1h finding out which bus takes me to the hospital or walk there FOR TWO HOURS. I hate this place the more autonomous you can be the more survival advantage you have, and I can explain this 1 billion times to my family they are still not capeable of providing the things I need, so I naturally become complacent because I know for americans sake I can do "better". Yet, this is true and not true. Still I can't deny it's harder and that I did not pay attention to the infrastructure that much because I just came from an internship at research institute where I tralved by bike and from China when I started studying... So, to which degree do I want to face discomfort even ? Till it drives me to angry, till it wastes to much time or to the degree neccessary I still dislike this so much. I am happy most of the time, yet this is just annoying to deal with and people telling me anything in that direction makes me so angry that I question their empathy. Seriously. I will continue to work sometimes it's annoying to have a lot of ideas then work them out and then they are either not working or they are and are good. I can't tell. I certainly can face discomfort to a certain threshold, but most of the time I opt for comfort. Because it's the path of least resistance, yet facilitating my enviroment is not really possible my room yes, I can't influence the infrastructure of an entire town. .... 

I am thankful today that I will go to the gym
I am thankful today that I am working on projects
I am thankful today that I am healthy
I am thankful that I can visit doctors
I am thankful that I can experience discomfort mindfully

3 traits of future self 
Outdoors more often
Time management
Consistency

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am cooking some rice pudding now, I went for a 30 min run. The campus outside is having parties all over the dorms, I don't know how, why etc. Yet, there are quite loud. I never saw some people head out of the dorm that just headed out. 

Otherwise I want to reflect about the content in the audiobook that I listend to while running. The author talked about how cortisol influence stress and in general what can be done to stop this. I can't recall the concept that they were talking about. Yet, what it does it that for instance when eating a banana the amount of serotonin it delivers is not transported towards the brain. Because the sertonin is to big to get into it. I can't recall the concept I recall indolent. yet that means pain free when googleing or indifferent to paint. 

So, what else ? Insulin helps to reduce the amount of cortisol in the body, so when eating carbohydrates esepcially the ones with the high glycemic index, the helps to reduce the cortisol levels in the body. That is one reason why people opt for comfort foods. Another thing was when eating you want to increase the serotonin produce in your brain you have to keep out other amino-acides when eating because it apparently has a low priority to be able to access the brain quickly. So, all of the other amino-acids have to be kept at bay in order for tryptophane which is one of the basic elements IIRC !!! ALL OF THIS. of serotonin. The best ratio to achieve this is eating carbohydrates and proteins with a  7:1 ratio, meaning to eat more carbohydrates than protein. This will help to fall asleep a lot faster and because of the increased serotonin available.  Because protein has tryptophane in it.

Anything else I can recall ?? He mentioned weird parts of the brain steady nucleos nucleos but the core of what ? Fking ESTJ explaining everything so efficently, but not explaining the connection and the meta-level. Just the logic of "how" stuff works. One thing I recall is that increased cortisol thanks for the visual ? increase t-helper cells or so which can cause HIV ? Anyway increased cortiosol puts one at risk of receiving diseases. As well as the t-helper cells function like pacman, they apparently wrap around one cell and consume it. 

So, this is what I can recall. There is a bit more left. Yet, it will take sometime before I will remember. One thing was about christians and the holy maria ?? Some symbol or statue that can be worshiped or prayed by and the positive effects of prayer. This is where I stopped. Somehow I remember now the zeigarniceffect. That we remember unfinished tasks better than finished ones. lol

Edited October 18, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on my pattern of discomort.

I woke up early today and got my 1h meditation in. I definitely noticed some habits kicking in when I was ultra or more productive, especially the morning meditation instead of not sleeping very well and doing it during the day, when there are no lectures anymore. So, this is actually comfortable, the inital discomfort that I meet before that was definitely the cold shower, I felt this gott things going and may have caused the nervous system to cooldown. Otherwise, a small level of discomfort is that I started to visualize waking up early or saying a mantra to wake up early. It helped I put my alarm clock even into the bathroom just so I have to walk there and not use my phone to turn off the alarm and experience some level of discomfort before and can take shoer immediately. The cold shower today was also great, I noticed that my positive self-talk I associated and created with the cold shower has vanshied a bit, at least some negative thoughts wanted me to stop this, yet the old positive self-talk I created battled the negative self talk and won at the end so I did a cold shower for approx. 30 seconds to 1 min. Otherwise this gives me confidence to overcome obstacels, especially dealing with any sort of discomfort. The bad part about it is that when I overcome it I rest on my laurels and enjoy the alleviation of discomfort and the feeling of comfort to much. Or no I just stop taking action. I can repeat this cycle over and over again in order to create consistency in overcoming obstacels.

I am thankful for the cold shower today
I am thankful for the mantra before I go to bed
I am thankful for the rice pudding that did not taste all to bad
I am thankful for rain 
I am thankful nobody went crazy yesterday and broke into my appartement or stuff like this


3 traits of future self 
Equates discomfort with overcoming obstacels
Freedom of the complacency cycle
Consistency

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am taking a break for 10 minutes approx. I wanted to contemplate and write a bit what I felt about corruption in general, since I am so isolated I notice it most of the time in myself or in the collective. So, since the party was going on yesterday and I had some disturbing insights into my "foul mouth", which I don't really have. I noticed how common it seems for people to say and feel shut the fuck or or shut up. They were screaming this in German so proudly, yesterday that I think now. How corrupted is their state of consciouness ? I noticed it in myself to any sort of discomfort even on the nano-scale where I just sit and somebody starts to talk friendly with a person and I naturally think "oh shut up".. To phrase is even more friendly. The German sounds way harsher and tbh. I feel my cerebellum. 

So, besides that I don't have a deep understanding of corruption there are a lot of tasks, so I did not use the worksheet from the video I could do it now. Yet, I also like to do it my "own way" or just a without a given structure this time. So, I noticed for instance that I have corrupt beauty standards which is odd, I see myself so highly sometimes, because of the level of women that "offered" themselves to me in the past. That I become not an ass but an asshole. Rarely, yet it's a tendency so I try to play it out in a way where I am such an asshole you can't help but love, since this corruption also has a kernel of truth in it. Otherwise, it's the subconscioues and survival mechanism, my mood and my hormones which are corrupting the higher self from emerging. It's important for me and a lesson that I have to learn right now is not industriouness, but orderliness. Especially in the way I handle my work and my workplace. I tend to think about structure a lot, yet I seem to work best when I can rinse and repeat different ideas that I have forgotten and I can work the one idea that seems to streamline and facilitate the process of creating a work of work. So, I corrupt myself by procrastinating because I don't know the perfect structure. While the better approach would be do it, see what happens, work with it, accept what happens, ask for help if needed and read the required material. So, I can build a structure based on knowledge not on my notions of how things are supposed to play out. Which ... usually would bring more comfort but ok. 

I want to write one oberservation about corruption I've been thinking about it, yet there are not the correct triggers present besides the ones I've been contemplating about in the post above, especially comfort and discomfort for me. 

I actually wrote this in 10 minute this time. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on my pattern of discomort.

Well I certainly did nothing today besides cleaning my room. I took a cold shower that is good today, although I slept a little to late. I tend to be swayed by my emotions a lot towards comfort. The point is I don't even go out of the house. Which is semi-bad depending on what I do at home. So, my arm is still fked I did not go to the doctor but grocery shopping, the way towards the hospital is shorther than I thought I can see it walking down the hill. I want to go on monday, there because my arm is not really getting better. I keep being fooled by my brain wanting to let me experience comfort. Or choosing the path of least resistance  I could re-read some books on the weekend. There is nothing really wrong and I don't have any ideas to make somthing more comfortable I know some stuff that can help. That I can do. Yet, I am not doing it. I underestimate how much I take time for granted. I am messing really hard with my future, that's the negative thought, but ultimately I have to ask me what am I running away from by procrastinating the whole day ? Is it my arm ? No. Is it fear yes 100%. I fear failure so much currently and I didn't notice it, yet I had to think about Leos video about fear. Let alone the title. So, I noticed I fear failure. I also become very motivated in general when I take care of myself so, I will ascribe this towards comfort. Which is gym, cleaning up, shaving etc. I never cared about this, but now it's different. Like basic hyigene of course, yet not savage style cleanliness and orderliness. I feel I want to be a "beast" in ordiliness to some degree. Not to much, yet just so that I feel I can work comfortably on my desk. I feel starting the morning right is key. Sleeping to late is bad. Accepting that I can't get out of the house besides the gym, because there is just nothing to go to which is sort of normal. Yet, I loved going to conveniance stores in China, yet that was like at 2 am or so going to 7 eleven. While I had 0 fear to be stabbed, killed, meeting druged and alcoholized people. I lived very near to a famous street even where there are a lot of restaurants about I think seefood, lobster stuff. I never ate it so far. I went to one restaurant though, but there were millions of people and it was sooo loud when I had a appartment where my window faced this side of the street. :..:.::

So, why am I avoiding discomfort ultimately ? What is this pattern ? It's a pattern of not implementing a pattern ? Feeling bad for trying ? Feeling bad for failure ? Yet, it's more fear and inaction.. Not disabling distractions ? I can try this again and see how it works. Yet, then I feel empty because I have basically no social circle here. Like not at all it's rather difficult living like a hobbit on a hill with other hobbits., yet they don't know each other. They just chill ?? In their appartment the people I am closest to are people at the gym. Yet, I still lack mastery, I lack LP, I lack discipline. I will finish definitely this one audiobook, I bought and re-start with deep work and start reading one of the books recommended in the LP. I read all most all of them or have the audiobook version. Yet, it does not matter when I don't take action on the principles. I also like this one new audiobook I have because it's about the art of learning from a chess master. I enjoy this perspective and story and this is a thought I have which is constantly there. Otherwise, what are actual things that cause to much discomfort and or comfort. So, comfort foods ? I don't buy a lot but sometimes I just indulge, like I buy one or two items. A bag of chips and nutella is what a freaking bought, because I have a sweet tooth ??????????? So, this is okay to some degree. The food I eat generally let's me not feel to lethargic besides when I buy cheap food because of financial reasons. So, in retrospect this does not matter. I care to much about my nutrition. This is actually a thought that my father has implemented into me, which is odd, yet I still cherish this a lot. Mh... I think I am better of reading the books ? No ? Yes and No. I can delete distractions and accept this is just no the time to mess around. 

I don't currently care about keeping track of smth. I wrote an entry in my physical journey sometime this week and it was semi-effective. I wrote a very small habit which I can implement on my whiteboard. So, I will see I want to work with the micro-picture more intensly now. So, I will keep my eyes open for details. I think it's not that complicated, I will just delete all distractions and focus. I will run out of things that are fun. I am not that much of a reader, I wanted to cultivate it, nmh.... So, I can "speed read", yet I don't apply the techniques, so I could have forgotten some principles. Yet, it's more a faster digestion of material I enjoy, this is what I aimed for with comprehension. Otherwise ??? I could look for things that give my comfort that are not distracting that keep me on track and observe how I can create a path of least resistance. I will fail often, simply because I know I don't care enough and I am not really sure what to do about that. I become very intense when I care about smth. Yet, that is most of the time nothing...

I am thankful for the cold shower today
I am thankful for noodle soups.
I am thankful for the memories about china.
I am thankul that I could live once in China and fulfill one of my dreams and milestones
I am thankful for a drive towards mastery


3 traits of future self 
Working smart
less distracted
Aligned with LP

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on my pattern of discomfort.

It is odd, Besides that I feel that I am not putting in any effort into doing something. I also did not meditate yesterday all of the momentum and motivation is gone because of a lack of results as usual. Which I find painful. I don't like this. Even when I learn a lot about persoanlity and such just focusing on discomfort etc. I watched the new episode, it's really for newbies and keeping people up to date. So, I can understand I find it somehow boring and I don't like the degree of arrogance that I have at the sametime, it's fine I don't function that way. I can do shadow work etc. Somehow there is still this discomforting notion of knowing more ? Even if it is in fields nobody cares about or is interested in. I wonder I at least deinstalled the game which causes the most discomfort and watched an epsiode from Leo talking about resistance where it is also explained etc. Yet, I was doing other things on the computer. I do myself no favour being isolated at home etc. I don't have anything inspiring currently and all I have is to much energy that I can't really balance. Yet, there is so much motion. It's annoying at one point to deal with it and to not be understood with it. I definitely reduced distracting comfort. As well as I am aware that being at home can be to comforting to work. There really are no places to be here.... I can't go to a starbucks on saturday and work on a project and move to a different place in 3-4h. I would need to be the ultimative conservativ to be able to pull this off I write this in awarness with the big 5 model. I don't know. I just wish I could at least have someone in my enviroment that pulls me up, instead of is just a tool that I can use to pull me up... Because I tend to try to uplift people, I assume people don't have that amount of energy or simply don't care. This would produce the perfect friction between discomfort and comfort. Like running for 20 minutes and starting to hit momentum or so. Or doing any sort of crossfit. I surrend myself not with the right people because there are no right people here. I want to get out of this enviroment. The best option I have to do smth. is the call the one girl who gave me her number, but has a boyfriend is smart and I can talk to, but it's still somehow boring because she is not conscious but more conscious than others. Go to the students council which is fairly unconscious and I can't deal with this regions unconsciouness this is more time for the collective. Germans don't even get their stage red right. Just go to the fking gym. They get it. Other options is to go back home. OR I HIT up my professor ?????????? Who seems to be the most conscious, as well as demanding. Yet, of course bla bla. So, I might choose a different pattern to dig a bit deeper and see. I don't think this is worth it currently ? 

I am not sure I have dull awarness currently and discoverd some older demons which I am to lazy to confront or they are overriden by higher consciouness and dissolved. Like I said I did not meditate yesterday and I will just meditate now. My life is absolutely not in order and I am not even sure if  I can feel proud about anything else besides the process of smth. that is driven by higher consciouness or when I am in hype - red mode. I don't know. I just don't do what I need to do. Most things are not very fun and the things that are very fun and relaxing like a vacation or so are far far far away. Yet, I am also grieving to much right now. I also can't stand this american voice in my head.

Will not do the postivity exercise because I've read the science behind it sometime ago. No effect = cut back.

3 traits of future self 
Precision
Ordierliness
Driven 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on my pattern of discomfort.

So, now that I elimanted the most distractring and comfort driven activity I keep thinking about work more often, since I automatically associate it with play because of Alan Watts taps.. So, I will observe how I deal with it and write an entry in my physical journal. I don't get why this journal even gets views. 

I am thankful for my physical journal
I am thankful for my intrinsic drive to want to get things done
I am thankful for the amount of energy that I have
I am thankful for meditating with impermanence
I am thankful for awarness

3 traits of future self
Action oriented
Mastery oriented
Not a dabbler 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I focus on my pattern of discomfort.

All in all I am happy how the day went, yet I am behind schedule in terms of when I wanted to give my report etc. I struggle with procrastination and I generally don't feel the need to accomplish anything as long as I don't want it. Or I feel inspired. So, today I learned about discomfort is there is a trick to work around it and I forgot one thing that I remembered, thanks to a video. Counting backwards from 5 to 1 helps to stop apparently the basal ganglia from being activated whatever that part of the brain does and activates the prefrontal cortex, so we are out of a thought loop and can start what we wanted to start and do that for even just 5 minutes. Research apparently showes that 80% of people will keep going and I noticed at the gym today I will keep going. Fear and excitement are one and the same emotion according to the body, sweaty palms, sweet in general, increased heart rate are signs of it when reframing it to excitement I or you become excited and I remember i did this for a couple of test where I wrote good marks. Where I was fearful. Now I was a bit stuck in paralysis of analyzes and what I found out is it is bad to ask why to gain self-awarness according to research I watched a bunch of TED talks and the researcher explained (she) that instead of asking why, one should ask what. For instance for me this would by not why do I experience discomfort, yet what can be done to combat discomfort. Is it cleaning your room. Is it washing the dishes. Is it deleting video games. Is it deleting distractions, keeping away from unconscious enviroments that prompt unconscious behaviours etc. 

Also, from the audiobook I listend today while I was at the gym he explained that just perceiving that you have social support when you are around people will trigger the benefits, so I did this partially because I felt so alone the last couple of weeks that I stuck to comfort mentality video games, a bit of junk food and staying indoors. The gym is vital for my currently even if the treadmill is half broken or I am a cripple running on this treadmill. Today I ran for 38 minutes till the treadmill shut of because I move the band forwards when I step on it and it just shuts down. I ran 6.2km or so during that time or more. Afterwards I ran another kilometer. In 6-7 minutes. 

So, I will ask what instead of why to not be trapped in the self-reflexion house of mirrors and. Write down things that will move me out of the pattern. 


I am thankful today for youtube videos.
I am thankful for one of shinzens facilitators
i am thankful for sleep
I am thankful that I can beat fear with a trick
I am thankful that conscious loops somehow exist

3 traits of future self
Reaping seeds that were sown
Healthy
Achieved a 10k run of the treadmill

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also really enjoy this music genre progressive trance. While working very uplifting or in general. 
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on my pattern of discomfort.
 

I will make an entry in german today, since I don't feel like thinking a lot in english right now. 

Heute war ein eher komischer Tag, ich werde jetzt nicht in Details eingehen und erläutern wieso, weshalb und warum. Stattdessen versuche ich das alles auf einer Metaebene zu betrachten. Was kann ich generell gegen ein Gefühl von Unbehagen oder was man mit dessen assozieren kann tun. Wichtig ist es immer noch ein sauberes Umfeld zu haben. Neben den zweiundzwanzigtausend Synchronizitäten die passieren lebe ich viel zu isoliert. Ich habe mir nicht mal Gedanken darüber gemacht, wie meine Art, des Umgangs mit dem Gefühl von "Unbehaglichkeit" sich auf das Kollektiv auswirkt. Es ist schwierig ich finde momentan alleine keine Lösung und bräuchte soziale Kontakte, jedoch sind Optionen limitiert und ich wäre besser dran nach Hause zu fahren um, dort ein paar Kontakte zu pflegen. Hier ist es ein wahres Ödland was man zu angesiecht bekommt Hügel, Felder, Wald und ein bisschen Stadt und dann wieder das selbe Play. Von daher ist weiß ich noch nicht was ich tun kann ich könnte mir eine App laden um Freunde zu finden und einfach zu chatten. Das wäre eine Möglichkeit die ich noch nicht ausprobiert habe. Jedoch nach vielen online Freundschaften oder Freundschaften die sich maßstäblich eher heutzutage online stattfinden.  Ist es fast nicht wert zu chatten ein Anruf ist tausendmal persönlicher und tut seinen Zweck auch erledigen und zwar viel besser. Ich bin momentan auf Glatteis gelegt mit dem Fortschritt aus dem Muster der Unbehaglichkeit zu entrinnen, ich weiß nicht wie oft ich ca. schon oft das Gesicht gefallen bin. Aber ich mache weiter irgendwie... Ich bin mir heute bewusst geworden das meine Art von Umgang mit unkomfortablen Umständen, Emotionen oder Situationen sogar die Unbewusstheit anderer enthüllen kann. Es ist unglaublich wie die Organisation dieser Hochschule irgendetwas auf die Reihe bekommt und keine wunder das ein Organisationstalent wie ich hier strandet. Es ist wirklich trash. Absolute eine Trash Uni. Ich habe es satt und mein bester Ausweg ist es endlich mit der Arbeit zu beginnen und Sachen vorzeitig zu beenden. Jedoch habe ich so viele Fragen und so viele Zweifele selbste wenn Leute mich ermutigen sehe ich es fast bei keinem anderen und viele tappen im dunkeln bis einer ihrer Freunde mal den Mum hat zu fragen und dies dort weiter propagiert wird. 

Es ist schwierig hier. Ich bin alleine mit fast keiner Familie entweder alle gefühlt halb Tod oder Tod oder in anderen "Ländern". Weihnachtsstimmung wird dieses Jahr mal wieder selbst generiert und Neujahr kann ich auch erst mal schauen wo ich bleibe. Ich bereue es immer noch das ich nicht so mutig bin und die Beziehung eingegangen bin mit der Person mit der ich hätte wachsen können. Ich kann bin auch oft zu ehrlich... Das ist nicht immer gut. Ah btw. keeping it real right ? Ich hab eher Angst das Bewusstsein mich eher Tod sehen will anstatt lebendig. Naja ich bräuchte einfach einmal in meinem Leben eine anständige Untersützung in Person, kein Geld, keine leeren Worte, keine "Liebe", kein gekochtes Essen, keine Ruhe, keine Einsamkeit, kein 0815 Coach. Sondern einfach eine Person die kompetent ist mir die Verhaltensmuster anzutrainieren die ich gerne umsetzen möchte und mich dabei begleitet aber das alles kostet Geld. Ich habe es alleine ca. jetzt 100 mal versucht mein ganzer LP ist momentan auf den Kopf gestellt und es gibt so viele Baustellen, dass ich mich frage wo ist überhaupt oben wo ist unten ? ? ? 

Von daher lass ich es lieber erstmal sein und arbeite weiter. 

Happiness exercise will be dropped today because of what I read about how this stuff works. To often is to bad. 


Traits of future self
Mutig
Zielstrebig
Ereignisorientiert 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I will do a random short reflection. I thought about the reasons on what I can do to finally accomplish my ambitions and goals. I keep breaking them down, I keep thinking about them. I planned about them. I reflect about them. I take partial action. Yet, I stop at one point or I don't even really start. So, even when I want to implement a habit that will get me started to implement the others habits and or just is a basic neccesity that should be included in my schedule. 

I still have some problems. It's not neccesarily what. I know what I want, to some degree. Yet, it is more what can I do and this is constantly where the crux lies for me. Because then I start becoming fearful, discouraged and I drop the activity out of a life pattern of dropping activity and a lot of change. 

So, I can definitely ask to get help in some form of psychotherapy or so about this. I tried cbt, I tried shadow work, I tried journalling, I do mediation, still nothing seems to move me foward to my LP. Besides sitting down and putting in the hours to achieve the goals. When finishing the LP I think I actually had my largest Psychedelic breakthrough as well as I had the worst semester. So, I was not up to a very good start. I think about re-doing it completely, yet it is so crucial right now to finish all of the work and decide. I did not take enough action, because I hate action and I choose discomfort. Yet, that is not the point the point is what I can do about it or what is the reason to do it. Because it generally makes me feel inspired, yet what blocks me is this son of a bitch enviroment and then I keep thinking oh I can't blame the enviroment, yet the infrastructure blocks me and does have an influence it is not blaming it is more acknowliding that it has an influence which hinders me to achieve what I want. 

So, there is no other choice besides to accept it and move to a different place. I really don't like it here even thought I enjoy a lot of my time her leisurely. Yet, it's not an inspiring place and or city and or region. So, for that part moving would be great just to be more inspired to take action on my LP.

Another big part is reading. When I am so lonely reading could help, yet when there are so many "aritficial" social creatures lurking on th net I do think when I don't have a strong reading habit its more natural to gravitate towards using a computer. So, what now ? The books I currenlty have and I can't really afford others are still interesting, yet I feel so stupid explaining everything to others as well as feel bored by the general amount of content that I can talk about and or talk about with others. I love hype and hype feelings, yet I don't know what I can do. Besides saying 5-4-3-2-1 and deactivating the habit loops in my basal ganglia etc. I really would like to talk to some cool scientists and not some guys who live and work for their family and have no personality, only "integrity" and no character. The may play a role, yet they don't have character and or personality most of the time a few do. Yet, there are these weird modern types wo keep saying state of the art. So, it's very appealing to orange, yet nost post-orange. 

I'd rather would listen to Feynman explaining me how a rubberband works instead of attending all of my lectures I had so far. I am somehow a bit doomed here. I don't really know what to do besides this journal is giving me some emotional relieve. There is pratically not really somebody that I can call, my mom is the worst person to call since she has 0 empathy and I feel like an asshole talking to her, I explain so many concepts and she does not implement one. I feel really stupid talking to her sometimes. I don't have a very complex relationship with my mother, yet it's just the connection that is missing that if I am not conscious she is just a mamal robot doing mamal things.... the situation at home though is a bit more complex. Because of my grandma dying. It's annyoing that I have to endure this annoying family. Which does not provide happiness. 

Edited October 24, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on my pattern of discomfort. 

I definitely experienced a ton of discomfort working through the entire night, I was so happy that I took 1h naps and sleeps during that whole time and somehow in a twisted way I enjoy this, yet i did not meditate again. I do think I found the root cause of all of this and it is basically to much comfort. Especially masturbation and staying inside keeps me not focused on grander things and opportunities. I don't have much control and the amount of time I spend indoors is just to much and all I need is a PC and space and night time to get triggered into constant dopamine releases. With no fap I was doing a lot better in life. I remember a lot better. The times where I had an LP before I even had an LP. 

So, now I want to partake in No Nut November as well as do a full 90 day reeboot. I am not sure if i can quit the habit of pornography very well and I would rather inform myself and read about it. From what I saw from my favorite Psychologist so far is that HE recommends that in a healthy relationship statisically there is no porn present. Yet, living out their sex lives is one thing that helps to strengthen the relationship. So, all in all I am more than interested than before In relationships and as a student I somehow don't feel that I need to have the burden of financial independence on me, yet girls my age are so picky and or spoiled sometimes. That they basically produce a lot of fear which does not even hold up the their standard. It's odd. Anyway, this is my take on this so far. 

Also, I am not a hotel going fella. I prefer a cabine, or a somewhat more adventures vacation. The hotel and it's cost should be of minimun concern instead of the opportunities and activities available. I rather live in Tokio for 2 weeks in a not so good appartement and see a lot of the city. When I would like to releax I would go either to a very beautiful location with a beach like Crotia or in general to a more isolated place or even go hiking. I don't like sitting at a hotel eating allday and jumping into the pool with minimum sightseeing and being the average tourist. I'd rather explore also culture and people to the extend possible. 

Anyway got way to sidetracked.


No Exercise

3 traits of future-self
Invests in orderliness time and money
Invest time and money into LP 
Did a 90 day no-fap challenge again.

Edited October 24, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am so tired today and will only make a post with three sentences.

Number one observation about discomfort was that comfort and buying certain products just like the right chair or keyboard can or could boost productivity. I experienced a lot of comfort while facing discomfort helping a friend move to a new location "laughing" about the stupid shit that happend today. To much comfort let's me live in a fantasy land that does not exist. 

No Happy exercise

3 traits of future self
Determined
Couragous
Able to transcend fear in each situation and use it consciously

[ValiantSalvatore]

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I try to write one Post on my Phone since I am outside, I might as well try to enjoy that. 

The pattern of discomfort that I focused upon today. Revealed me the pain and struggle and the ebb and Flow of life naturally, let's you dive into the growth process. Loving the process and making it enjoyable thereof comfortable is one Thing I want to work upon by buying and designing my Environment. 

Like simple things buying a plant, having nice pictures or sculptures inside my appartement. Buying a Laptop that allows me to Code but not neseccearily play games. 

I still love Fall it's one of my favorite season I dislike spring here at least in China it was more lovely. Less driven by Western love Standards and more intune with nature. 

I never considered that intelligence can be a burden before I starte studying I could accomplish way more If I get rid of distractions. Sucess will be the theme of next year this year I will just get my Gym Routine back into order. 

Health is also a topic which I can pay more attention to otherwise I noticed the more I am around knowledgable ppl. I want to learn and grow more it's very uplifiting, life stories, tragedies, the Heros journey and even basic small talk. Like what did you eat today. I love Leos quote I want to read Sri Aurobindos book that I bought from where Wilber has his third Tier terms. From reli of tomorrow. 

I am thankful today for the season fall. 

I am thankful today that I can hang out wiht a friend

I am thankful today that I can hell a friend. 

I am thankful for Meeting New and inspiring people. 

I am thankful for feeling the Feelings I felt in China. I love impermance and I want to conquer fking time on a Spiritual Level. 

 

3 traits of future self. 

Embodyment for love of learning. 

Embodyment of love. 

Embodyment of health. 

 

Let's get it done! People are awesome!