Reflection - Mastery Discipline Life Purpose

[ValiantSalvatore]

So, nothing worked I keep feeling comfort when I do not have wnough sleep I wont wake up beides my cortisol Spikes for some reason people bring to loud etc. 

I am u sure if I should get out of the appartement earlier, when I use my Phone in the morning I also stay awake when I watch a Video or even type this. 

This is the longest Phase of lazyness I had without feeling depressed, yet I feel the burden to do smth. Like I am guilty towards myself to do smth. 

I want to Explorer These emotions with Meditation. 

 

My dream today Was weird it was about bei g a double agent in a demon/spirit World mostly playing out in the human releam and I was actuqlly a 7 year old kid with a friend who could change his age. 

So I was working for a a police type Company. My Boss did not seen to know (female Boss) that the Spiritual World exist and I some body stole a tracking device from ne, because I was about to visit a large tournement in the spirit World. 

 

IT was odd to many time lapses 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Okay, so I wrote down a PLAN !

Now, I will follow that plan and ask questions this time !

I will see if I can run for 30 minutes without a break on the treadmill, endurance is by far my biggest weakness. Yet, i can run 5k with breaks in 31-36 minutes. I just run automatically a bit faster because I am tall and have longer legs etc. i dont know any technique.

So, I am hyped !! The hot showers work. I will write down my evening routine to get to bed and will make a habit tracker again. The point is 100% commitment what does that mean. When I fail I get back up and try again, if I failed the first day I was for sure not 100% commited. 

So, keep re-committing. I schedule also a study session. I will try to write a report, also with meditation. That will be fairly soon. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Okay, now I talked with the guy that I wanted to talk with and basically all sensory experiences are doorways, which will allow me to enter stream-entry, so when I produce to much effort let go etc. 

All the stuff Leo talks about, the important thing is that I want to be careful and that I even get some therapy maybe, yet I talked with a therapist once he said everything is fine, people keep telling me that so I dont know. 

There are surely some hidden issues, that are going to unfold in relationship especially in the commitment part that are more behavioural. I felt a bit embarrased asking the questions, also my accent becomes very strong when speaking to native english speakers besides brits. I dont know why, so I sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is a bit odd, yet its fear speaking and I want to do things correctly, because I am a bit neurotic about this. 

Otherwise, I do think I am doing very well ? Yet, he could not give me the answer that I was seeking besides that these experiences are doorways and that people behave weirdly around me. Its like they actually get to some form of Green, because I am the embodiment of multiculturalism, especially when talking english etc. 

Yet, some just dont give a fk, so they cleanse that vibe and whats left is orange/yellow at best. 

Anyway. I will play 1 game and then go to the gym and run and then work on the report.

I only did 25 minutes of meditation today, so no full hour. The warm shower worked, and otherwise I dont know why people get so angry with me sometimes. I felt the facilitator that I spoke with felt angry, while I feel this weird energy again in my solar plexus. Maybe its my brain signaling higher status etc. Since it actually keeps track of that. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

It happend I went to the gym. 

I ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill and feel elevated and concentrated. I can't go to the building where I usually study, so I have to write the internship report here. This is what I wanted to do today, so I will do it ideally for an hour and finish the rest tomorrow, I already started somewhere, sometime. 

Otherwise, I will eat something now and I am 2h above my schedule. I did not take it that seriously, and it's fine to not do everything perfectly, I can try to do a to-do list on my whiteboard, since I saw that with a few other guys who use it, so I have a daily to-do + time blocked for activities.

I did not think that the 12 week freeletics programm would train my endurance so much, I felt I could easily run further up to 45 mins and above even. I covered a distance of 4,8km. So, I will try to run with 10 km/h ?? Next time to hit 5k within 30 minutes, that is a relatively good time. I am physically above most people..... the point is your brain recognizes that because its part of status. So, I generally dont feel much competiton, yet people always want to compete with me. I like friendly competition, yet not I am murder you stage red people.

Otherwise, I feel I am gettint out of my rut, I actually took my full stack of nootropics today. I never know if they work, yet sometimes I feel they do. It depends, I feel coffee is more effective in boosting me. So, I can test around more in the future, yet right now I am out of this productivity, optimization hype, and its more about meaningful networks and systems, that may sound odd. Yet, I would appreciate a social circle. 


So, today was successful to get back, I hope by the end of the week I am fully back and more importantly I start to care less about my egoic needs and wants, it's similar to a node in a network communicating with other beings, and or some void creature going about life. 

What else ?

- To do list on whiteboard
- new habit grid
- Watch a podcast about sleep today.
- take hot showers everyday before bed.
- oh yes baby, I am doing a cold shower grid, this started everything for me when I was in China, I was in a horrible position, yet this is where I started PD, let's see how fast in can make click, if I can run for 30 minutes without any problems whatsoever. 

Or do 1h20 freeletics... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I want to try this and focus on one pattern for one month. 


Template:

Today I will focus on my pattern of

I am grateful for

3 traits of future self 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on my pattern of avoiding discomfort. 

Why am I avoiding discomfort ? I often think I am hurting myself and that I need to practice self-acceptance instead of accepting the part that wants to experiences discomfort in order to grow. I often find this daunting ?

Where do I experience discomfort ? When I wake up I want to stay in bed, when I go to the gym and run I want to stop, when I meditate I want to stop because I cant sit in a lotus. When I feel the pain of my scar during running I want to stop and want to be comforted. 

When I want to start working I rather want to be comforted by distraction instead of facing discomfort this often happens when there is no set routine, or some greater will, that planned something beforehand. 

I will watch this pattern throughout the day. 


I am grateful for having a journal.
I am grateful for youtube.
Iam grateful for my training habit and that I can run for a longer time
I am grateful for Leos blog and his videos there.
I am grateful for my professor and the internship being lenient.

3 traits of my future self

Perseverance
Love
Strength
 

[ValiantSalvatore]

OKay, I am 25 minutes into writting my report. I write relatively fast, so time flies by yet sometimes I am just unsure how detailed I am supposed to do it and then I have to ask etc. 

It bothers me a bit, I received my key from the internship I lent it to the new intern because he does not have one yet, otherwise some old patterns start to re-emerge which I enjoy a bit to much so I have to do shadow work and stay non-judgemental. 

What else ? 

I am making tee now, and I will study for 50 minutes, then head to the gym and study again afterwards. 

What do I want to do to wake up early ?

I was not able to wake up early because I gave into comfort again even though I went to sleep relatively early. Tody my alarm clock arrived lets see if this works, also I have to eat some meat ? Otherwise I have an iron deficiency, I will take one supplement that I have to see if it is maybe caused by iron levels, yet the iron amount is way way to much. So, i receive dirraeah most of the time. 

Tell me the human body is not complicated. 

I meditated for 1h. 

 

Edited October 10, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am done mostly with the report, I will need another hour to review and add some stuff most likely even two and check the format of what they want, this is the nr.1 reason why I dislike orderliness, its not progressive. Its just structure. Its important, yet I dont like it it does not feel like work and is rather boring, I certainly dont get a lot of joy out of this with "2" percentile in oderliness, my surrounding does not look like a bum quiet normal, I am just not very oderly by nature, therefore I can work longer and harder and be more efficient. 

I know that, yet lists and all of this stuff is pure hell. Like PHP. PHP is the devil. Its important yet I dont like it that much. I will go to the gym now and I have to hurry up otherwise I will not be able to study in a different room. I stayed at home and made myself some tea, that works, but to get started its better to get out of the house. 

I just want to move, the internet is crappy, since all students use it. I am not buying a new internet connection for 1 semester and the foreigners above me are loud. While even drug taking Germans are more quite, the chats in the chat room are as ignorant as saying. I eat children for lunch. While denying the obvious. A classic ? I dont know its annoying dealing with elitiesm in Europe, especially also people who want to improve. Maybe this is a side effect. 

I still like the advice from the audiobook have more than 5 friends and you are out of the cult creation zone. I approximately have 2-7 not counting in casual meet and greets. So, I am definitely not out of the cult zone and for me it starts with this eltiesm crap, that is horrible and I am prone to do this. Because I am rather an outsider. etc. 
 

[ValiantSalvatore]

So, I am back from the gym. I will plan and structure my day differently, so I stop working around 17:00 this is usually where I get to hungry to work. So, I try to get everything done before that, the problem is still food. I am not sure how to solve this. Besides buying apples, yet all of this has to become a habit and apples are not even the best.

So, again today I ran for 20 minutes and 15 minutes of this weird walking thing that is cardio, because there is only one treadmill NOT DREADMILL LOL !

So, I will wake up at 06:15 shower, meditate, eat and start my work day outside. I will finish the report tomorrow morning and schedule the day, I wont schedule mini tasks, but will put them on my to-do list for today, that I will refresh each morning. 

So, that is that. Otherwise. 

I am getting back on track, I did not do any shadow work. When I start working at 08 am with 1h break and generally every 1h 10 min break. I will be able to work for 8h out of which 1h20 would consist of breaks. Yet, I can continously work on a problem. 

I will test this, my new go to bed routine will just be a hot shower. My alarm clock is set and in 2h30 I have to go to bed. I will not use the flux app for now because the app is buggy on my laptop. 

Lets see if this structure works for now. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I love these mixes, I just had an idea to use different mixes during different times of the day. 

So, for instance I would listen to smth like this close to the end of work and in the morning I will experiment something more releaxed.
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on my pattern of

Discomfort again this morning I took the comfortable route instead of facing discomfort and waking up early, even with the alarm clock and testing for iron deficiency, I stayed up till 1.11 and made the mistake to put the alarm clock in eye sight, so I was unconsciously blocked to sleep very well. I do a lot of things that contribtue to good sleep, meditatio, journaling, exercise, bluelight filters on phone and laptop, I installed one yesterday again, hot shower before bed. Now nothing seems to work very much, there seems to be a thing called CBT-I which helps with people who have insomnia which is you cant sleep or fall asleep for a long period of time 1h for instance, I have this since I can remember I am more nocturnal I never got out of this habit since I was a teen very much. Besides when I have to, yet out of my own volition, it's rather difficult. If I have to go to work at 09:00am no problem there, even when I am sleep deeprived since this is about survival, yet when it is not about survival. I want to experience comfort and my tolerance for discomfort is very low. 

Not sure what to do I went to bed at 23:11 my goal was 22:30 so I was happy with that. Yet, I was opting for comfort again by going to bed later than planned. 

I am grateful for having a lot of time..
I am grateful for being able to run at the gym with only one treadmill
I am grateful for rainy weather and how introverted everything seems
I am grateful for still doing work even with insomnia
I am grateful for my computer 

3 traits of future self 

Being able to experience discomfort more easily
Consistency
Humour 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on my pattern of 

Discomfort as I said for a month, at least this "task" does not require anything from me, I just been very lazy and avoided anything that could include discomfort, or the slightest amount of discomfort, not consciously, its more of a habit which is not optimal. So, I didn't do anything today tried to stay awake allnight yesterday and stayed up till 09am or so till I decided I am going to sleep for 4h just to be on the save side, I am quite tired and will most likely go to bed soon. Will most likely wake up around 09 am as usual when I am not having a backlash and I am having a normal schedule for instance school, work, uni or even travel etc. 

I am grateful for having time.
I am grateful for meditation to be effective
I am grateful for my 7 month training in the gym
i am thankful for my health
I am thankful that nobody scolds me

3 traits of future self

Creating a distraction free enviroment
Performance driven / process driven
Able to block distractions fully

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I focused on my pattern of discomfort. 

I am definitely facing discomfort when I am having a normal schedule, it's inevitable to not face it because life is not linear. At the sametime since i structure my day currently and just doing basically projects, I am on my own like I would start a business. So, this is a bit weird the free time is there but actually it's not of course it's not as time invested as opening up a business, yet the structure is similar. I am on my own having to deal with my own project. So how did I focus on discomfort today ? Only a tiny bit I called my mom which is not really discomfort for me, rather vice-versa and talked to her, so that could be considered discomfort. I read for an hour yesterday and generally took care of household taks that I dread doing. 

Otherwise I feel the "discomfort" of the general slump or rut I've been in is gone. My arm is still not fully healed, so I will check back with the doctor on thursday in case it is not better. What else ? The new video what made me feel discomfort there ? I felt definitely some forms of discomfort while listening small and larger triggers, yet they were mostly about me not putting in work and taking things lightly I wanted to do the sedona method in october. Now I started this, I generally feel nobody cares so this mindset is just not helpful in  anyway. So, I use that as an excuse and this generally makes me feel discomforting. Literally.

So, I know I feel more comfort when I take care of work, yet sometimes I get so whiny ? In a sense that I obstruct myself from progress of any sort. I could have ran etc. Yet, I generally did not experience much success, so this feeling of being incompetent or a looser and the idea of that, is some stage orange aspect, that I can't get rid of somehow. I did shadow work, I generally do not do it, simply because I figure my journal format is not the same as when I started. I don't like my current physical journal and I am using this, so let alone this thought let's me feel discomfort. 

What else today ? My meditation session was clean, yesterday the alarm clock that I bought was distracting I noticed that time is generally not a good way or to advanced or not focused to be exposed to it. So, I feel I am out of the rut, and will be able to put in work tomorrow morning, I will definitely go to the gym to deal with the feeling of discomfort, which is also frustration and anger of not moving forward, I hate this loop of progress plateau void, and then dealing with the basics again. I am feeling discomfort or writting something personal. 

So, that is fine that I have awarness around it, yet I would like to make progress with it. This format of a journal will be interesting to see if it will work out. 

I am thankful for time
I am thankful for my mom
I am thankful for the internet
I am thankful for beautiful weather
I am thankful for good food. 

3 traits of future-self

less neurotic
rock-solid
emotionally less turbulent

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I will focus on the pattern of discomfort:

I did not take a cold shower the excuse that I am making is that the showerhead is not comfortable enough, I can easily circumvent that by just buying a more comfortable one. I could do that yet, I currently have fear around the topic of money. It's fine and good to know I can just order it. The day today is very beautiful, so I will most likely be comforted by that alone. Usually when I face discomfort I work harder than usual. So, this is also good to know I made my bed this morning as I usually do when I just want to get started because I went with the stupid JP hype and bought his audiobook 12 rules for life, but it was not that interesting more like a constant pep talk and story telling of lessons which I did enjoy, yet somehow these principels just seem ridiculous. Yet, he is right and I took some lessons from the book. Otherwise, I will meditate now for 1h and give back the key for the internship and then have breakfast. I am just going to wake up with the sun turning down the shutters makes me sleep for 10h+. I woke up so naturally today and I enjoy this feeling of sleepy impermanence when the sun wakes me up, I don't get why to darken the room is so important. 

What else ? Discomfort definitely when processed consciously like what I am feeling and doing right now dissolves into flow or impermanence. 

I am thankful today for the sun
I am thankful today for the hot shower in the morning
I am thankful today that I feel relaxed and rested in the morning
I am thankful today that it's not to cold.
I am thankful today for the feeling of positive impermanence

3 traits of future-self

Consistency
Orderliness
Proactive

[ValiantSalvatore]

I don't know if this is a sneaky trick but this video has a new thubmnail ?
 

I am definitely doing a bit better, I am mainly frustrated by the actions that I am taking and somehow I can't deal very well with my emotions, I do think I can, I often think I can deal with stress better than others, yet in terms of being a leader. It's difficult when my "performance" is impacted and therefore impacts my credibility, I mean I check names etc. From various companies and I just get the feeling I can get socially ahead with the right social enviroment, or I can thrive in their and make friends pretty quickly and within 1 or 2 years push ahead. At least that is what I make up in my mind. The point currently is this feeling of disappointment in me.

I dont think contemplating any sort of thing is neccessary for me without Leos format to dive deeper. Or I could continue doing this and also get deeper, yet I may want to apply to sedona method. I heard so much adivce now it's more about embodiment even if I don't know what I want to embody. I have my core values as a guide line. Even before the LP, let alone because of one book. 

So, I know why again. The point is I am not doing anything against is. My entire doing revolves around comfort. I will order a different showerhead now today. I fixed the problem I had with my online banking because the bank that I am using or it using me blah. Is ...

Introduced a new app that I have to use now in order to confirm my logins etc. and I somehow had to many verification slots that I could use. I messed up smth. yet it was way to random because it worked the whole time before and even with the initial setup. 

So, I will oder a new shower head and contemplate generally what elements I am missing about survival. So, there will be a more or less random entry. As usual instead of only following the format above. I will most likely go to the doctor on thursday to check for my arm again. It hurts now when I stretch it out and I don't know why, I just want to make sure the inflammation is gone. Because I am suffering from lack of gym time tremendously. 

My structure currently does not work at all. I try to adhere to too much techniques ? All I need fundamentally is a schedule a pen a time blocks and then execute it, it's not anymore difficult for me. I could read upon projects etc again, what to avoid, what to do, yet I also learn very well by doing. 

I miss new things about personality, I don't seem to gain any insights about it anymore and the fascination of it stopped mostly, I like it yet there is no hype. I just miss the gym for my own hype and inspiration. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Will write the post a bit later, I woke up earlier today..

[ValiantSalvatore]

Okay, I had to deactive the timer on my laptop.

Today I focused on my pattern of discomfort. 

I definitely noticed this morning that I had to face discomfort that was sort of inevitable, therefore I just woke up early.  I am writting now in class, I definitely do not dislike sitting here I just dislike the unconsciouness of the average ape. It's annoying that I have to deal with them in some sort even when I intentionally isolate myself this time. Sure I could sit next to someone etc. yet this costs energy or gives me weird ups and downs currently. So, I rather avoid that. 

I am thankful that I don't have to deal with idiots.
I am thankful that I can just relax in class and code. 
I am thankful to receive help. 
I am thankful that I am not interested sometimes to talk to people.
I am thankful that nobody knows where I am from

3 traits of future self

Autonomous
Financially Independent
Ignoring stupid talk

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I watched a video about dopamine that semi-randomly popped up. I want to do a nofap challenge for 30 days or so again or just keep masturbation to once a week, because it messes with dopamine to much. I was curious about hormonal effects and dopamine is one main drive for motivation. TBH I forgot how that was part of the most succesful epsiode I had during my life... and I just did not do it because I was operated on my knee and was not really thinking about anything like this and used this time also IIRC for the funny exercise from Leo how to become more humerous. 

So, I will test that and see this time how much exercise impacts my motivation the point is I become so horny after 7 days or so with exercise that I just stop or I feel I am on overdrive or I feel like a freaking bull, yet the testosterone spike stops after 7 days or so. So, I may maintain this longer and see how long I can focus on LP. 

So, besides that. Exercise is also great to combat the horniness or my sexual drive, but I don't want to hide how I feel things currently. I will try to go for a 40 min run today and most likely check in with the doctor on thursdays. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

So, I am cooking right now some spagehtti with spinach (whole grain) even though this is not optimal for sleep. Apparently a high carb diet is bad for sleep and eating fatty stuff before sleep is helpful to fall asleep. 

Otherwise, I ran today approx 6km on the treadmill if someone would have told me that I can do it so easily, I would tell them they are retarded. Although I broke the treadmiill again for a short time because I bumped up the speed to much and it produces a shortcut. Which gave me the opportunity to talk to a cute girl because she was concerned that I broke the only treadmill in this piss poor gym. 

So, of course the gym is okay, yet you can't say the gym has good equipment or highy quality equipment it even has not enough of the most basic equipment for the large amount of people wanting to train. So sometimes it's overcrowded inside. 

I listend to an audiobook while on the treadmill this time only on 1.25x speed and again it get to technical at one point. So, what I can recall is that when a mother holds her child the head or skulp of the child releases pheromones which produces oxytocin through the olfactory tract. Also that estrogen ensure the womens survival let's say for sd's stage on stage beige and directs the conduct towards a more harmonies social intercourse which protects her and her child, sure this is a "bromide" yet I don't think many equate it with estrogen. 

Otherwise it talked how dopamine plays a role in somethings, as well as beta endorphine and that runners especially marathon runners can become addicted to it and become vulnerable to dieseas after a marathon because of the release of beta endrophine. I hope this is correct. 

I finished the structure of how I can construct my "theisis" because they also want this format for the internship the prof is a bit pedantic about this this is the postive, negative part about him also that he is a bit of a rebel, so sometimes he is quite unorthodox. 

Hm...

I can't recall otherwise much from the audibobook I tried to use meditation techniques while running and I mainly focused on feel out and as usual hear in. I have so much mental talk, I could talk also to a camera on hours, yet with this amount of stupidity that I am talking I would only create dogma. Horseshit, Hilter Po Po and other apologetical stuff defending my own true dogma. 

There are some micro interactions that I still do not quite understand I certainly see focusing on the small picture now is more important than focusing on the big picture. As so often I tend to overlook this, or obsess about it. 

Anyway that is about it I think my food is almost done. 

[Ferdi Le]

Hey man,

very nice journal. Gave me some inspiration for how to journal myself.

 

What are you studying btw?