Reflection - Mastery Discipline Life Purpose

[ValiantSalvatore]

Now the different take on the whole thing is that when you meditate for 3 months in a mahasi sayadah retreat you have a 50% chance of reaching stream entry during that time according to ingram in his interview. 

I did not read the book yet, I read a few pages yesterday.

I did my behaviour change meditation yesterday. Yet, I can just apply mindfulness to my behaviour change.


Understanding and emobdiment are truely two different things, I noticed that understanding is great yet I would just build mental castels and I am very good at that. Also again through my practice now it would be good to have a mental castle to reside in and build it from inside out. So, I embody it in real life and day-to-day, month-to-month existence.

Gratitude Journal:

I am thankful for energy
I am thankful for the few friends I have and that they want to do smth with me
I am thankful for being bolder than others
I am thankful for rain and rainy weather
I am thankful for the transient nature of weather


I ordered now these wristband I was a little hesitant and will do a belated report. Yet, if Leo does more of these challenge I can partake. Ill leave my sarcasm aside. 

So, thats that. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I will book now the retreat for the weekend and will make a schedule for the week and weekend to come. 

I clarified every confusion that occured because of the great great university. Yeahiiiiii. 

So, Ill still have to work on toxic sarcasm in some form, I rarely do this I basically only do this in my journal or when I feel very very very very very very toxic which is like once a week, where I be very sarcastic where I cant tell is this toxic or just sarcasm. 

I will additionally do my behaviour change meditation and just implement my structure, I know how it works. To get up early I need to be in bed around 10pm. So I can wake up at 6 or 06:30. Especially with the gym now coming back I want to schedule my time otherwise it will be difficult to reach my goals. I did not work out for now over a week. I dont see or feel much changes because of this, yet last week I only went 3 times or so. Before I went to the doctor.

Also, I will clean my room today and make another set of laundry and get all of my clothes and hang them up. I will do this before i meditate the behaviour change meditation for 30 minutes. 

i have a plan for 6 weeks on my whiteboard for this behaviour change thing. I did want to try the sedona method. Working on my laptop is more productive since I have the time blocker app. 

Now what else ? Today was just a positive day. I wanted to schedule the day the way I enjoy it the most and that is one thing that I certainly want to do. 

I also have to re-apply for the gym this semester. So, I will do that on Monday. I will workout or try to workout on Thursday and Saturday. So, I have two buffer days. 


Besides that. Shit is getting realer and realer. The point is I am still very attached to video games. I am just prone to play out of boredom. I decided to go with a concentration practice of in which ultimately leads to a transcendence of self. 

So, I will do that. 

mhh....


I definitely want to trip, but right now is a bad time. Potentially around christmas when I did some good work in the meanwhile, I will focuse on executing my ideal day. So, I want pack it full with studying all the time and will start tomorrow. 


I will book the retreat now. I checked I did less retreats then I thought I took. I have 3 retreats with shinzen that are 2 days and 2 days at the temple here.  The other retreat was in december last year where I did also the 14 day retreat during the summer. 

So, I actually only have 8 days when I am a bit softer its 10 days. So, I would still have 3 retreats left to got lol !! 

How strategic do I have to be ? This certainly is worse than I thought. The next step would just be to have a lotus posture to sit in for hours. ... 

I would have to do 7 retreats a year this way. Over the weekend. I did think about this once, yet I never wrote it down. Well... its smarter to take a retreat for 14 days then to do the weekend retreats. I assume. .... Still the weekend retreats have impact. Shinzen calls them micro-retreats I forget that sometimes. Micro is definitely not macro. They interleave, but well...

I am not sure if I am unerestimating life and enlightenment.  Is a 1h practice that weak ? I would like to go to a boot camp. I also thought about doing a rohatsu this year, if I can sit in a lotus posture. I can do it without, also anyway. I did not put in a lot of effort writing this text. I presume its pretty unreadable, like my handwritting. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Booked the retreat. Now on to meditation for today. My sleep schedule has been a mess. Since the last retreat, this guy pissed me off so much. (Facilitator)

[ValiantSalvatore]

Currently I am fooling myself so hard. I could name and reason with 1000% reasons I bought an audiobook and listend to it while falling asleep i could not sleep so I listened to a good portion of it. It said nothing new, I felt its still a good book, yet Leos course covered almost everything and some of it I found out on my own through journaling. 

My arm is still not 100 % fit today the 1h meditation session was a pure concentration booster I cant tell if this would be khanika or upcara samadhi.. 

Still I dont quite get why I am fooling myself and just not try out my schedule even if its not perfect. I feel the gym is missing similar to when I was operated on my knee. I am definitely looking forward to the micro-retreat this weekend. The programms are also very intresting. This time working with music as a special programm so I am definitely looking forward to that.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I can go back to the gym now and go for runs without making the bandage reek of sweet.  Otherwise.... I miss my 1h sessions very badly. They define the day for me, maybe that was just the killer after all and I should not have changed the 30 30 min structure. I was definitely not very productive in terms of creating something or just reading etc. I am not sticking to what I say because I feel nobody cares in general, so I can just do what I want and still nobody cares, till I piss them or smth. pisses them into the soup. 

Now when I meditate for 1h, I am on the go. I know that now, it defined my whole day the whole time and I never noticed. I have a wristband now for the challenge from Leo, I will most likely be able to fully go back to the gym in 2 weeks to 1 week. So, I will just go for 30 min runs. On the treadmill. 

I am not sure if I will do it tomorrow, I am not keeping my word. I also did not find any information till now from the audiobook and the 50p. long pdf. 

All I know for now is that even if it still feels dreadful to meditate its the most important thing to get my day started. The audiobook did have some weird gems. For instance the author mentioned having no friends = creating a cult. Not sure why he said that yet people with less friends tend to be prone to that. I notice that sometimes myself since I do not have all that many after taking spirituality a bit more seriously and wanting to talk about it. They just did not give a fk. 

Still, I notice more the pressure for me of the real world, and there is a lot of growth still left to do. The question is rather what do I want to do. I could even do a PHD, as insane as this sounds. Yet, they told us people like this are needed, yet when I hear about corporate cult this becomes appealing. I am definitely bored to death by some tasks at the internship, not that they are not difficult, yet it requires effort and dilligence. 

Well... I will see what will happen after the retreat and now what a single legit 1h session that I did not do for 3-4 weeks only 30 minutes or two 30 minutes sessions can do. I love working, I still feel so bad because I feel I am not competent in programming and the classes I had were not sufficient. I definitely also suffer from lack of social interactions. Yet, ...... I applied for the students council I am in their group, yet I dont like one guy in there and that is enough for me to not visit, same with how I perceive how unconscious they are. I just need a gym a few His and Hellos and I am done with socializing. 

Its odd. I dont know how to work around this besides abusing a family for my introversion and need of social interaction. I say this sarcastically since I dont really value family much, yet I enjoy its benefits and "permanence". For lack of a better word. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

1h before the retreat will start. Nothing much to reflect about besides that I made the right choice to go to university, the stubbornes of most average people is just ridiculous. I prefer travelling. 

Its insane how much people want to perpetuate their narrative me included. Still, I sometimes question how much the average consciouness influences me by being unconscious. 

Lets see how conscious people will influence my via an online micro-retreat. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Now I am in the retreat I did a 2h session now the theme was mind the music so meditating with music. 

Shinzen mentioned a study friends of him had done somehow connected to the dalai lama a study, and they had 14 year old test subjects that meditated to music because it was an incentive to get adolescents to meditate, because they are either bored or do not like to look weird in front of their peers. 

As a general non mastering the core teachings of the buddah informed person. I feel concentrated, yet a lot of monkey mind without much chattering, I had some visual flow at the beginning and then it evaporated mostly into energy and concentration, not the visual flow, yet overall the practice session unfolded in that way. 

Some interesting reports, also from someone... I have to say this for context sake.. is legally blind. 

So, .. much to progressivsm. Anyway, George Carlin humor would fit here. 



From the audiobook I do have some gold nuggets, yet its nothing new ? It's hot showers before sleep are very good because apparently the body temperature drops below average after a hot shower and then the body expends energy to heat up the body again and in general 15-30 minutes it takes then to fall asleep or to be more tired lets say.

Also there is a y-y peptide that when you eat a lot of protein that inhibts the feeling of hunger or obstrcuts it. So, eating a lot of protein hampers the inclination to consume food and carbohydrates are the best energy deliverant. I bet my english has to sound so fking odd. Most english countries are not very secular. 



I forgot the cortisol part. Something with CR, which is important for smth. Anyway, ideally i'll remember. 

Now, Shinzen mentioned the black cassiana which is focus on rest or specifically focus on see rest. So, the grey-scale blank. There is somehow this discussion with cassina practices. I am not sure if I am typing the word correctly, its also very inspiring to listen to shinzen and I definitely feel the drive to learn more. There is also a fire cassina practice were you focus on a candle ? I am not sure Daniel Ingram talks about this, definitely the path of insight and absorption are different. Insight is the classical enlightenment as far as I understand and insights is that what is ? I like Leos blog definition I asked a facilitator and I unfortunately forgot what he said. It was fitting, yet very short. 

Defintions of insight: (Leos blog)

- penetrating mental vision or discernment.

- the sudden act of grasping the inner nature or truth of a situation.

- a deep understanding of a person or thing.


Not sure what else to report, besides that I feel more the quality of a jhanic rest on my hands which I can spread through out the whole body since flow and rest start to feel similar or the energetic quality of rest, shows its flavour in flow. Not a steady point more a steady area that is passed through by a restful energetic veil (barrier). Like chi around the hands, that is restful.

Also, its very early. I hope I can rest my sleep well. Otherwise, 

Edited October 5, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I really enjoy this artist.
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

This video randomly popped up. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

So first day of the retreat is over I meditated in total for 9h that day. I had some weird brain twitches again this time at the neocortex ? I am not sure how large this cortex is it was definitely at the top of my brain, it felt as if a massive shift could occure and that someone would massage a chord inside my brain, that was during my regular practice the do-nothing practice. 

Otherwise, Shinzen told a story why he is mistrustful of NLP because the founder fked and killed a prostutited and used NLP to manipulate at the court. So, that was interesting and one of his students was at the trial. 

Otherwise, the modality blast was very good to learn all techniques besides the pain algorithm, definitely helped me with flavours of concentration. 

I did not ask any questions yet. 

Edited October 6, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I want to write more and think about my current situation especially social life and be a bit more frank and upright about it. 

I struggle with my old friendships and cant seem to let go of them because I lack options I do have a few friends, yet I dont like their life situation. I also dont like how I am at a disadvantage for this type of stuff, let alone because of skin color and country. Its very important for me to meet progressives like Joe Rogan for instance how are also very down to earth. I am tired of this latent weird thinking that I have to endure based on the average consciouness of low consciouness dirt. 

This elitism of europe also tends to piss me off, its annoying and makes people very unappealing and generally lets me feel like I am left out. Yet, this is even more apparent in the internet culture more on this stuff soon.

[ValiantSalvatore]

The retreat is over. I certainly dont think I will become enlightend as a stream-entrer during a weekend retreat, I dont doubt that it can happen, yet generally this approach that I am undertaking is more gradual. 

There was one embarrassing moment where I unmuted myself even though I did not press anything, normally I have to press * and then the number 6 on the phone to unmute myself and speak. Yet, I just clicked on the button and I did not think that it would unmute me tbh neither Shinzens nor Chô did. As far as I understand and know anyway, there was a german girl speaking I could tell because of her accent and something just rubbed me the wrong way and I said I could puke, meaning I could puke listen to her. Because she does not understand her own bias. To be a bit more deeper about this. And ta-da. I was unmuted, after that I just heard muted and I thought wth just happend and went away from the phone I was embarrassed, yet I had to laugh so hard since my intuiton on this is seldom, so seldom wrong. I would lick a DMT-Toad and not become high. 

So, that was embarrssing otherwise two people reacted a bit more positvely now after a short interaction normally people dont greet me, yet one of them did and the other one was quite positive.

Retreat wise still some of the old problems with sitting for longer periods my mind becomes a bit dull and I become tired. Also, not being able to sit in a lotus and having to use a chair is a bit annoying mentally, a burmeese position I cant maintain for to long without moving much and hurting my limbs etc. Because I get to that point and it hurts a lot. So, I afterwards for instance I am not able to walk for 2-5 minutes because my legs hurt, I am not very flexible, yet still very fit. So, this is another ego trigger for me. 


Next, I had a very clear more upacara like "samadhi" experience I was very highly concentrated so that I felt my brain this time not the cerebellum with a lot of flow, yet the prefrontal cortex ? definitely the upper part of my skull near the top. 

So, that was quite intense it felt at one point similar to dying ?? Again... 

And otherwise it was just intense concentration more in the upacara not moment to moment awarness so single pointedness of concentration. 


That is about it not sure what I will reflect about. For this retreat besides that I am still not very familar with more advanced concepts that Daniel Ingram also uses. Such as arising and passing and Shinzens expansion and contratction. I mean I do get it, yet its like "Pustekuchen" the english translation is weird. Meaning fiddlesticks.

So, anyway besides shitty turquoise intuition and wanna be manifestations that I completely do not understand and Id rather have some explanations for this from my family. I am very much inclined to go the the gym again. I constantly hear raven sounds to specific times, that seem way to odd. Similar to my intution detecting peoples failure in sticking to unagreed behavioural conduct. Yet, this is more now observing SD. Its insane how accurate it can be. Especially considering now third tier. Makes a lot more sense about strong intuitives and hatred for the world at least a bit lol. 

I wanted to also write about one of my friend who strives in his LP, since he released his first paper and was invited to speak at the technical university in Munich in front of 200 people. Very normal , but interesting character. Anyway. That is about it for today. I still have a lot of stuff to do and organize. 
 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Now, I will do a short reflection. 

I deleted the video game I play the most on my pc and will apply for the gym today, and ideally go for a run my arm is still not fully healed. I am still amazed how power driven normal people are just to maintain their status quo and their comfort. I noticed in my meditations that my comfort definitely induces dullness and therefore people I figure become generally non-caring. 

Otherwise, the positive meditations are a bit weird. I feel more happy in generall, yet also more vulnerable I seldom fear something besides its a very old fear, like fear of being exposed to the public etc. Yet, I can handle it still very well. So, far I am a bit tired of productivity and the best thing is to act, even though I feel i could burn out at one point. Yet, I am not interested in making this a self-fullfilling prophecy. I will rather like to manifest. I did not watch Leos new video fully about an hour or so in. 

He definitely showed some insights that i had, yet to no where near to his or this level of depth. For instance also channeling that is intersting in hindsight, also that Shinzen mentioned it weirdly in the retreat over the weekend and chuckled weirdly. 

So, what now ? I would like to write about something interesting, I also want to change my profile picture. For new motivation.

Otherwise, I am not sure what to do with other peoples ego. Since, mine is still intact, yet it feels very weird. I am not sure if my training is sufficient or even good. Because of some bad habits such as lookg at the clock while meditating, or not being able to sit in a lotus. So, I try "nano" hits through out the day.

Yet, overall I feel sometimes very sucidal, such as if this does not work why not kill myself, there is no one around me where I feel cares a lot about me and generally steadily creating purpose and drive is not easy. So, this thought pattern scares me sometimes from actually doing it and considering doing it questioning my sanity. Or trusting my more rational voice saying this is because of the stressful circumstance and in general family situation that you are in right now. 

So, there is no need to worry. Yet, the rational and dispassionate side of people is cruel. Its very difficult for me to enjoy survival and to have fun that way when so many are power and ego driven without knowing or acknowledging it and using it for good. Also, i feel that people make internally fun of me I dont know why and I feel quite powerless, besides physically. Overall I whish I could delete a few people completly out of my memory and out of my life. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I cant fully watch the new blog post of Leo, I watched parts of it during my break. 

I am not sure what to reflect about this is more a post out of accountability.

Now, I went to bed very early yesterday and deleted the video game I play the most so I am more inclined to work, because I am bored.

Otherwise, I will apply for my bachelors soon, and hope everything will work out. I sometimes still feel very depressive and just left alone, like I receive no attention at all. Even though I constantly receive it, yet tbh I need a lot of it and the sametime none. Its very odd. One person told me once I have a very high "treshhold" for serotonin and I often for instance just when playing video games receive all the attention without even wanting it. 

I am just quiet and someone has to crack a joke and I have to laugh so hard, or I become so hyped that I start making jokes and all of a sudden all eyes on me, its like they are greedy to see me perform, and that is what I feel in general. Its insane what people sometimes write. Even just in a game. 

Yet, in reality its also a bit similar I often tend to uphold conversations because I value them. So, I keep asking questions or generally apply "How to win friends and infleunce people" in a non-manipulative way. 

Now, I want to invest in my future and dont forget change, maybe Ive been resitent to change, because I was trying to change so much the whole time. Yet, its more of a setback its stupid listening to other people all of the time or even just often. Sometimes I just want to get out do it try, fail and learn. 

Its odd how often it seems for me that I "have" to repeat these lessons in order to create a stable scaffold that I can work with. 


At the sametime, what about mastery ? Did I loose all passion for coding ? Or for learning ? 

I am feel odd, because I still think that I can learn anything and most things and know everything in a sense, yet its not possible I forget so much. Which just prompts me to think about this subject more in terms of "oh its not worth it anyway", why do it ? RIght ? 

So, I am not driven to read since most things are so technical which is very interesting, yet this blosters my ego immensely because I feel superior to others because of some random thing I know that others dont or i feel that others are worthless because they dont know what I know and dont seem to know anything in general. 

Other times I feel knowing or knowledge is so stupid why even accquire it ?  I just do and thats it. 

Yet, I lack an order of importance and priority. Its normal to constantly not like something for ever. Yet, when the passion re-kindles I should not ignore that and follow it. Especially, stay with the subject its similar to Leos LP reading list I read most of the books or have the audio format. The book from Cal Newport so good they cant ignore you is bascially screw passion. You will get adjusted to it and it will grow as a passion.

Now, its similar with my favorite video game, I played it and was utterly destroyed and did not play it anymore because it was just not fun being destoryed so hard, then I got better and sooner or later it rather became an addiction and still is partially. Just because of this strive to become better or of exellence and performance I can see similar tendencies in the gym, not yet with my work though. 


So, thats that. 


Gratitude journal:

I am thankful for my mom.
I am thankful for meditation.
I am thankful for shinzen and the micro-retreat.
I am thankful for kind people who tell me interesting stuff and I can learn.
I am thankful for every kind no matter how small I receive!

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Exactly. Exactly. This guy totally got me. I am contemplating if I shoud buy one of these journals. 

Since, this is not working out. Yet, I want to take some time to remind me why, yet first of all the biggest lie of all time. I will clean my room appropriately. Maybe sarcasm works ?

[ValiantSalvatore]

So, first of all I am bullshitting myself so hard currently, yet at the sametime I really enjoy working. 

The number one problem is have is as so often getting up in the morning, I am way over the time where I would usually go to bed. Yet, I cant surpass this resistance of wow, I wake up work and die. 

So, what did I do today to get out of a rut ?

I cleaned my appartement and my shower, the sink, and cleaned up in general my room. I will prepare my bag and hang up some clothes now that I washed. 

I will download the video game I deleted, and will make a plan, and again prepare my bag to go to the gym. My arm is still not fully healed, yet I can go for runs. Now, what else ? I cleaned my sink and the dishes in the appartement not the bathroom. In my king sized room. 

I found a new way to get rid of the 10000 liters of milk I use for protein shakes etc. Because drinking them with water tastes so cheap. 

So, the only problem I have now is not committing 100% and the distractions. 

So, what are distractions ? Or rather the opposite of which distractions I did get rid off today ?

- Dirty appartement
- Laundry

That is it. I applied for the gym, I did not go since two weeks approx now. Because of rut and my mind making excuses. My productivity tips that I read do I take action on them ? Some of them. Bullet journal, time boxing, journaling, reflection. 

What else ? Now, its very important to schedule my time and programm, so getting up early in the morning and getting work done is the most important thing in my life. 

The biggest distractions I currently have is simply.
- Sitting at my room. I am not productive here.
- On the weekend I would need to head to the libary. 
- I could ask others where I could study, I am tired being stuck on this stupid hill.


WHAT ELSE?!

I reviewed my LP - Notes very shortly and I noticed I did not implement the habits, I achieved some goals. Yet, the habit section is the most difficult for me apparently. 

I can delete and build new habits. Which I did before, yet I am not committing to one habit currently. Which would still be GO TO FKING BED EARLY ?! 

The NR.1 culprit for not going to bed early is video games and or watching videos on YouTube or watching streams of people playing video games. 

NOW? Can I just reduce it ? I often say to myself, oh yes I dont need to cutback on pleasure. So, I can just do it. But, I am not doing it stratigcally, I did not try that, when I actually scheduled my video game time, I was more inclined to go to bed and stay with the flow because I enjoyed the schedule and the time I spent. So, instead of cutting down on this. Why not take the thing that I like to do late and combine it with before I go to bed "ritual" ? 

With a key few other things. For instance taking a hot shower to be tired. I will try this today. 


So, I am taking care of my laundry, will plan my week and or ONLY day. And start to get out of this rut by the end of the week and go full on into productivity I want to create and live my life purpose mode.


TOMORROW MORNING I WILL REPORT THAT I DID MY MEDITATION OF 1H EVEN THOUGH IT IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY. I AM HOLDING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE TO WRITE A POST. A GET OUT OF THE RUT REPORT.

Edited October 8, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Okay, so I did it. 

I cleaned my room. 

I re-created the trash outside, there is still one classic I still do not understand. 

I listend to Leos video on the blog. 

I am unsure what to do besides doing the practices.

Playing video games makes me happy.

Working makes me happy . 

WHY NOT DO BOTH ?!

Now what is left to do is actually it's a secret. 

Prepare my bag. Its utterly ridiculous. NOW MY OLD FRIENDS GET INTO PD ???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????

When I quit contact. Maybe its just my bf. So, I enjoy that. 

I wish no harm. 

Still, tomorrow will be the day, where Ill get out of the rut. and work on the tasks that are neccessary. What else ? 

I want to take cold showers again, I will order a new shower head.

There is one guy who triggers me so I want to do shadow work. 

I want to do another retreat in November.



What do I have to do to make sure, even if I am not getting enough sleep to wake up at 06 am ?

Put my phone away, no audiobooks to fall asleep. 

OH YES I WILL ORDER AN ALARM CLOCK.

Order an alarm clock, never use your phone again and even if, as I said I could easily fool myself, but if I dont take action on tips, then I am fooling myself even harder.


Maybe I need a coat. 

Then a goat, and then I summon satan. The mascot of our hometown team, I am not kidding. The devil is our mascot.


So, that is that. I will plan my day, schedule my free time workout 5 days a week again. Starting from tomorrow, you heard it hear first. I also will do one shadow work session I dont like this reoccuring pattern of high orange sht kid tolerating green because he thinks he his higher, but does not WORK AS A SYSTEM. 

Cognitvely yes I have to admit, but I doubt this yuppi cares that much.

I think I actually meet tourquise people before I even started to think about this this is so sso freaking different from GREEN AND I CANT SEE THEM WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 I would cry laughing doing this in real life, and I would do it lol.


 

[ValiantSalvatore]

i am just going to spam in hopes it will help. 
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I will go to the gym EARLY TOMORROW. 

What pains did I usually endure that made me stronger ??

Cold showers.
Stretching exercises.
Gym
Studying. 

My Nr. 1 enemy is currently comfort. 


I want to make a list about and tomorrow report, pains and comforts, old friends and social life.