Reflection - Mastery Discipline Life Purpose

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today has been one of the most productive, unproductive days I've had for quite a while. I helped a guy, I sent a parcel back and had lunch with my co-worker afterwards, I prepared the parcel in the morning, I called the support service and they will look at the new laptop and I organized a new laptop for that time which is fking two weeks !! Where this thing will be gone. + some smaller things. So, I did not do anything till now for work and it's 14pm, and I arrived earlier than usual. I also sent out a couple of e-mails because of the retreat since I did not somehow receive any information regarding it...


I also had to write and comment on one post for whatever reason. I don't know what I wanted to write about. I am definitely happy and yes I just remembered. 

The point that people call Leo a narccist is well.. obviously first of all it is important to look at oneself our generation is described as the most narccistic, and I feel somehow the older generations are starting to appreciate this a little bit more. It's like a repeppring of youth somehow ? Hm... the point is narccism is even good as far as I know as long as it is not pathelogical because they generally have high-selfesteem not an inflated one. So, there is healthy narccism, the question is does Leo know this and thinks of this himself and am I narccistic ? I definitely noticed some superficial characteristics that I have where I'd say fk okay, this is quite narccistic esepcially when I deal with people I feel I just drop them somehow, even when I don't feel I do it I am ultra open and build connections quite fast, yet it is difficult to maintain them, when working on projects I just tend to forget. And tbh, not many people reach out to me, yet they very often reply and are happy that we talk, most are just already in their social circles and or are not as deliberate as I am pursing relationships, I do this actively because I am very high on the agreeabelness scale 72 percentile for a male. So, I naturally tend to be a bit passive-aggresive in this politness thing, you know at office and stuff, yet I did so much shadow work already, it's more of an healthy quality now, since I can be either assertive or let people subtely know if it is potentially not approriate and do not have any qualms about oh, I could say 289012093809213 and just go straight to them and say I am sorry I apologize or I could say no I don't like the idea etc. 

So, this is okay, I don't want to take this model to seriously as well as, I am confused am I just managing chaos = yellow or am I creating out of chaos ? I definitely feel the later since, I am making more and more out of chaotic circumstances and I feel that is what live has tested me the last 6 months, especially. I always liked this about me that I can do this pretty well etc. 

Anything else ?

I want to be a bit careful with this narccism thing I don't know if this is some cycle again where people collective learn and I feel like oh shit I am above the trend already 3 years ago, and I could actually learn. Or I am simply fooling myself. It's definitely useful to know what healthy narccism is I will look it up now again, I've read about grandios, intellectual and the vulnerable narccist or malignant how ever they where called 3 years ago... 

So, I know the types that are categoriced in the ICD - 10 or so. Or how ever the diagnostic scale is called. One thing I've read was when you self think you are a narccist you are not one, meaning the actual "diseas". 

[ValiantSalvatore]

OkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I went to the gym did my 100 burpees 100 situps and 100 switchy thingy ind 24 minutes. 

My protein shake is sitting at my neighbours door.

I will receive a new laptop tomorrow.

I will workout tomorrow.

I am starting Hitlers List.

I will workout tomorrow again.

I eat to much sugar apparently 50 - 65 gram is fine, more 50-25 with 2000 kcal diet from what I've read.

I am at 15% body fat ? Did I write this even in here ?

I notice again how much immaturety is projected upon me since I prefer embracing my inner child. 

I notice all of this role playing again somehow, this stuck with me for the last couple of days. 

I don't know currently what is toxic anymore, since what I would feel is toxic is actually now just some assertivness ??????? To which degree ?

I will receive the stuff for the retreat and I messed up the registration, so I was not put automatically onto the list.

Vitamin B is vitamin B12, 6, 3, 2, 1 ,0, 100.

My weigh actually has BCAA and is vegan.

The internship and working with these scales takes away a lot of time.

I will go back home over the weekend to my hometown to get the laptop etc. 

I will do my bachelors with these scales most likely.

There is so much sugar in foods, nuts are fatty, I knew I always hated food. 

I did not read upon healthy narccism because I forgot.

I don't have a good book to read on my way back home besides the one book there. I'll read that. 

I don't know book or audiobook.

I am just wasting time now to wait for the bus nd train, yet I could clean my appartement. 

So, I'll do that !

Edited September 6, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I will workout today with a friend and will receive his laptop.

I received all of the information for the retreat and sat the two hours yesterday. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Alright, I am on the new laptop and I will have to get used to the keyboard. Otherwise, I am right into the retreat and wanted to write a report, so far. I meditated approx for 5h 15 from a potential time usage of 6h.


Also, I feel when back at my hometown since it is a larger city that the city itself is more conscious, yet only the conscious people, I mean chilling all day at the university shows me, how conscious young people generally are and I see them even as unconscious then going shopping here and going for some random kiosk drink, is apparently to radicall for the people. The look at me like I`ve been taking drugs, it is sort of weird while they look unhealthy, fat and not fit at all. I feel like they are taking drugs and there are so many foreigners here in this city it*s nuts.

So, I can squirl away myself at my home doing the retreat for the time given and enjoy the silence of the city, that has more beauty than the inhabitants here. Now there will be a 4h see in - intensive. So, a concentration pratice focusing on no self and insight. To express it secularly.


Also, survival seems to be a big thing for the average populace somehow, I am curious why they cling to this notion of we are the people, when everything is seperate here and they care more about their stupid families. Like you`d share.
 

[ValiantSalvatore]

So, another part of the retreat is done 4h of meditation I did 15 minutes of closed eyes walking meditation because the teacher recommended that. This time I am training with facilitaitors instead of Shinzen Young. I liked them all till now, it definitely does not feel that intenstive the second teacher I liked the most so far, because she explained the concepts very well and fast so, I don`t become bored to easily.

This sounds a bit conceited potentially, so I want to just report what I thought and felt during the last 8h or so.

I felt as if I was torn again inside my solar plexus, yet not as intensely I cried almost once because of some synchronistic idea I had in mind and wanting to have the synchronistic web feeling I had during my kriya experience since this happend at the first day of the retreat and I sat the whole retreat with the after effects of that and I had another one. So, I was checking sometimes if it would happen again, or at a different spot this time, for instance the cerebellum where I feel this mostly or somewhere around the reptilian brain.

Its nice to use this laptop so far, the screen is quite large and I can see almost so much that I cant see much. The whole screen is somehow spatially distorted, to the degree where, I can`t tell if the original build looked like this.

So, the see in intenstive was okay, I learned using see in with closed eyes while moving and I discovered that I can see what is behind my inner mental screen with eyes open and that the mental screen is a representation of the physical world, yet very seldom for me, so it was not that helpful. I mostly get lost in some form of abstraction of whatever, for instance a conversation, the idea of a symbol, fantasy, some invention, space, a feeling etc.

Then I distangle it and find myself concentrating on the impermanence or constant change of inner feelings, imagination and sound. The first part of the retreat was about ULTRA, the unified libary of training attention and an intro to that. So, I know most of it. I am familiar now with the system, and learned about its quadrants.

I do feel a bit of emptiness around my solar plexus the feeling I usualy have when I feel futile and meaningless and everything sort of convolutes and unfurls into this all encompasing impermanence driven by unconsciouness, its a total loss of control at some point.

Another thing I felt is the place of self arising at the back of my skull where the reptilian brain or the solar plexus resides. So, Shinzen sometimes points to this point as a vector, and often uses this as a analogy or metaphor when describing a self-inquiry practice.

Otherwise, I dont feel I can report a lot I feel a lot of open presence my concentration is again my weakest point and is also one of the most important ones my sensory clarity is very high, so I could focus on developing concentration more, yet sitting again for 1h even with a pure concentration pratice is not easy. I tend to flow a lot, so I draw back upon using flow often.

Anything else ?

I could ask a couple of questions regarding pratice I am at this weird intermediary stage where I feel, oh I could help others by reporting or scare away newbies, because of my intensity. So, I thought reflecting is a good way, as well as, seeing what others have to say and learning from their experience and the whole green shabang, so I in return do the same.

I want to ask specific questions tomorrow, Ill be at the dorm most likely again so I will feel akward again asking questions about meditation while walls talk.


 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I feel very frustrated again with the degree of complacency I approach my spiritual practice and the degree with which I pursue anything, I tend to give in to fun, pleasure and comfort still a lot even if all of this has changed. I get very aggresive with feeling uncomfortable, with meditation etc. its fine, yet when the feeling of impermanence becomes to intense then I feel this moving forward drive again, that generally was not being developed when I was young. It is latent, and very dynamic.

I feel this point of self-inquiry and I sort of miss the more technical people in the home practice programm who take time and effort, to look things up and to not pick everything up on the go, and learn by trial and error and not by preperation. I am not doing the latter either, yet I am planning in advance, so circle.

Anyway, this field of what I currently perceive while meditating is expanding very gradually, I want to be kind to myself and allow myself to even feel pitty, .....

So, ah.... even dumb German words stem from Sanskrit. like love and breath.


I definitely like female facilitators, yet I cant give love when I dont feel a lot of masculinity I can be very dynamic, so feeling one polar opposite I do feel able to switch between it, since one does not exclude the other.

I meditated now for 4h. pratically 3h and 25 min in stillness and 35 min moveing. I felt very sad at the end since the facilitator was very passionate about talking about pratice, literally.

So, I noticed also that some personalities and strenghts are just taken for granted and its difficult to manage that, somehow I felt at the end that I have difficulties feeling thank ful, when I indulge in something pleasureable, I cant tell why. It feels again this coagulation inside my solar plexus is so coagulated, that the windows are being shuttered.....


I dont know I still feel this arrogance, I still feel complacency, I still feel pity for myself, I still feel non-acceptance. I am not taking this seriously enough, I rely to much on being pampered in a sense.


I did not learn anything new about any technique, 4h is not really a long span of time, I noticed that I want to train my body and I am taking my workouts seriously, so that I appreicate what I have and start to be thankful for that and stretch my body, so I can sit in a lotus comfortably.



Some ideas I had for this retreat are just stupid, I am not sure if I am trapped again in limiting beliefs, and I definitely missed ?















I did not inspire myself beforehand, I took most things for granted, I take my life for granted I take death for granted I take freedom for granted, I take unconsciouness for granted, I take pleasure for granted, and I still feel generally better, than ever.


My ego is definitely afraid to die, or to suddenly be thrown into Makyo or some crazy shit where I loose all marbels, sure loose your mind and come to your senses, is sometimes I feel perfect for me. Yet, I certainly cant force images that are vivid without fear, the abstraction of smth fine, but experiencing it. Is scary, I definitely dont feel I can take care of myself like I want to when I am back home, its not inspiring and I built a lot of resentment, that is already present. I feel this coagulation of my nervous system.


The only small insight I had was that violence even if it is through sheer sound or we, is love. I was sort of comforted again by madness...



2 day retreat is definitely strategic, and affordable, it is also insightful and can be motivating, yet I still lack the basics, like sitting in a posture for hours, I get so comfortable on a chair, that I start to move, and sitting in a lotus took my first some time to sit in a burmees position since this fking pain around my scare drives me to kill people, till I loose consciouness or what ever.

It did not feel normal and this idea that something is wrong even when everything is fine, is bothersome. So, I had to learn or deal with this, and it certainly taught me acceptance and compassion. Now, I am just like a robot, and I execute, this execution is still not prolific. I cant tell why I dont feel as though I want to take it seriously, but I revert back to just being ordinary me ? The me.... so, what about it ? I can tell that it arises at two distinct points very strongly around my cerbellum and in my solar plexus, otherwise my body feels like an apparation of myself ..........


So, again ego. This is annoying trying to gain insights or understanding through talking .. to myself, is okay. Yet, I still dont know what I want, I can contemplate this till I die I figure... Skillful means definitely is something that I yearn for regardless if it is taking a fking shit.


These three and another 4h part is coming up in 20 minutes, home practice programms are surely, benefitial, yet being strategic is potentially smart, yet its not as intense as it could bee if I would take it more seriously, so many factors flow into the creation of a tranquil and prosaic practice.


A parable of what ? ????????????? I dont know, I certianly got mind fked the last couple of hours I dont know how to integrate that and I often feel why learn anything anymore, I dont feel anybody opens pandoras box, so I can at least have some theory that is not based on reason and praticality, I am So Tired of This, Since The Beginning Of Time.

There is not a lot of drive in me at the moment, I certainly noticed that after working out so much how much of an animal in a sense I am, that I need this sort of gratification of having done somthing good or being a role model or some sense of something that is benefical, some role.
 

So, I miss the newness of experience, I miss depth, I miss breadth. I am neither stuck, nor free. I am just sitting infront of .... a screen looking at it seeing some illusion of what I call.


Am I fooling myself or am I still unaware of how much energy, work and egolesness is wanted to transcend from small mind to big mind. Even just a glimpse, I definitely did not pratice intensively for the last two years, a zen retreat is in Europe very soft, I dont know. I really would like to be able to sit for a whole day, just to see what it is like in 4h intervalls or so, still my choice of pratice helps me with the chaos of live, but I am missing the durability and endurance, like in sports.... High intensity fine, yet endurance and a drive to win, certainly is not there. I thrive a lot in thriving, I thrive more in egolesness or transcendence. Yet, survival and corruption definitely wants me to transcend and thrive, it makes me so freaking angry. Yet, where is the egolesness or the godness in there ? My approaches rather seem pathetic then couragous some excuse to not take this 100% seriously and pratice like a pro. Its not really any different, I seem to just not care. As so often.... and then I care the most again.... as so often. Paradox 101 I guess...
 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The weekend retreat is over leaving me either with 8 days taken this year of retreats or 10 days. I am leaving out the half day stuff. For instance arrive at Thursday or start at Friday night. So, leaving me either with a 8h pratice day a 6 h pratice day or a 10h pratice day. Yet, generally never less then 6h a day.

The "monk" yesterday made me so angry I cant tell why, the facilitator in the last 4h talked about Vedena.

Tomato.

https://www.dhammatime.org/meaning-vedana-buddhism/
https://www.dhammatime.org/de/bedeutung-vedana-buddhismus/


I certainly did not like him, the practice was fine because it focused on concentration and I was able to be concentrated even though I felt quite agitated, during the sit. I was 10-20min concentrated then again 1-5 minutes of distractions, he also talked so much and I did not understand much, since he did not conflate enough. It was technical, yet somehow without any compassion ? Just him being him. Playing his role literally.

Then I got mad since he said his girlfriend goes to church and I thought oh n1 another weird fker. How about a birthday cake ? I really dont know besides the mind fk I had from not even finishing this.. was the reason. So, what did I learn ?

Vedana was a variation of feel flow in the "interozeption" of the body. So, I understand what is he talking about.

The holy butt.

I was so angry and agitated I was not interested to listen and my thoughts generally revolved around me disliking him. He had the most extensive background, and lived in a monastary for four years, he trained since 30 years etc. I still did not like anything about him. I kept thinking what does that say about me or my character ? When hatred is love, or can be love, the vedana of feeling hatred is one passing of the source of love ? Well, so I can experience the love out of hate when it stems out of source ?

So, I can experience violence as love ? I can experience survival and strength as love ? Okay, sure yet what did I learn about practice ?

I learned that I can concentrated in chunks of 10 - 20 minutes on one thing and that I am generally aware of drifting away, so I step into this 2 minute - 5 minute concentration mode, then I am subtely distracted, and then I come back. Within about 40 seconds ? Its rare that I drift away for 5 minutes or so, so I was surpised that I can hold a more access concentration oriented practice for 10minutes + instead of being aware of openess etc, space, room and impermanence or repetiveness or thought.

I felt Buddhism sounds so limiting, Id rather convert to loving Christ at the moment, since it felt so dry.

Some shadow elements.

That my practice is a bit sloppy, I want to sit in a lotus, my motivations are still not there, the intention may be fine, yet ... I do think I am moving in the right direction. I dislike this naivity, about not knowing what is good or bad etc.


 

Edited September 9, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Okay, this is a whole new dimension I am not talking about meditation or anything I did not even meditate at all yesterday because whats the point ? I want to digest this first and I dont know what I want to do anymore. This is just nuts, from the few pieces I dug deep into the internet and from live experiences trusting also stupid "higher conscioucs" synchronicities. Its absolutely insane, how repetitive is this simulation ? And I never even broken out of it. It is like Ive been selected to be released from a chamber of homunculous creation and I am allowed to live. Like what twisted fks do exist and people are unaware of that ? That leaves most porn fetishes far behind everything.....

Even Leonardo Di Caprio !

What am I talking about ?

I dont even like movies.

The few ones that I watched connect back to all of this.


One of the spiritual teachers I like the most withdrew from the ultimate cult of cults. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theosophy_(Blavatskian)
How many symbols can you find in one symbol ?

The teacher who withdrew https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jiddu_Krishnamurti


I do understand now why at zen they said burn the books. This is pure evil, devilry, hitlery clit ton, and what not I swear to fking god. People should not have a license to exist sometimes, this is absolutely, insane.


I am not sure if I want to read upon all of this, it definitely destroys my views of wanting life a good life. Politics is as unconscious as it well ever be and the majority is as conscious as it ever was. The allegory of the cave, is just beautiful, or maybe Immanuel Kant wurde einfach nur verkannt ? Or Germans are the cultest pieces of crap on the planet and should feel justified to hang them selfs, while be thrown with pig intestines from hitlers lost tesetical !


If this is to much ? People do that. They have done this for ever, I am being a demagogue, yet for what ? I forgot that I loved to read utopian books, since it showed the limits of idealism. I am not sure what to do with all of this information. Besides working on my posture and sit. I just do nothing for the rest of my life, and witness all of it. Choiceless awarness may be ? The best form of concentration while Leonardo Di Caprio happens.

 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

More of the same symbolism.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I will make a short entry.

I did not do much after the retreat for three days and I did not meditate for two days because I did not see any point in doing that. That is now the second time this has happend, I missed 3 sessions in the first two years and the third and now fourth year I missed now approx 32 days in total. One time I was so tired of it I just stopped and tested how my perceived consciounes would feel, or the mind.


Now, I am back at the dorm and back at work going back home is the most dangerous thing I can do since I am very succeptible to my enviroment apparently and even when I feel conscious the subconscious forces force me to be a creature of habit.


Now, I will go to the gym today, I did go for a run on monday so Ill get my workouts in,  I am not going to study today and just clean my whole room and prepare some stuff and plan the week in advance, on the weekend I will go to the gym, read and study most of the time and meditate. I did meditate today, yet I am not tracking this as a habit since I am very consistent there, its rare to miss a day and rather annyoing that I am honest about it and mentioned it, since I would not like to miss one day let alone two, yet sometimes its fine to test it when I practice very actively I am not sure, if Ill go up to 1h30 min Ill stay with my hour for now and rather improve posture slowly, so I train my body now become lean and then stretch.

Otherwise nothing new, besides the thing that I won the in the raffle, I won a vacation to Prague for two to three days. I asked a couple of friends I am not sure if I want to go Id rather would like to have won a car or money lol. Yet, this is also very nice.

I learned now a bit more about rest because of the last life practice programm and realized that some parts of anica has a restful quality to it, like a second skin or armor.

[ValiantSalvatore]

So, this will be more of an accountability post I cleaned my room a bit and found now two friends who want to go with me to Prague two declined and or did not give me an answer, so I feel suprisingly a bit indifferent that I asked two people to come with me, yet deciding between the two is a bit odd. Eckhart Tolle has a new course on manifestation for free, potentially I eat the whole thing on the weekend.

Now, I went to the gym I have my protein powder, I watched a documentary about testosteron even completely while cooking and cleaning up, so I leanred that testosteron can be measured by legit scientist by the length of the ring finger and this buzzfedd crap for instance is not bollux.. The great cursing variety.

As well as some prenatal testosteron fluid is responsible for language differences in man and women, because women have less of it and therefore are better in the social and verbal domain. Looking at my ring finger I have less testosteron then other males even when I am quite tall etc. They also cleared some common sterotypical misconceptions such as, assertivness causes dominance, no cortisol in combination ( or without.. ) causes it, testosteron does not make people more anti-social, but can foster pro-social behaviour I even had an interaction in the gym today which showed this.

For instance when a women is close to a group of men they well all act kind,benevolent and forthcoming, since "testosteron" which is even produced in the brain partially and some SH stuff is send balls to the wall. So, they act more prosocial in order to impress the girl or have a higher chance of reproduction of course all of this is complex, and the documentary was very very good. A lot of scientific material and they showed a few behaviour tests such as the famous one where they give people money and test there cooperativeness and when one shares instead of keeping the money they will both get half of it.

Now, what else ? Testosteron is important for muscle growth yet I knew that, there is a cure for infertility in men and there is even a pill for men in a sense that obstructs the production of testosteron. Also, that boys because of the prenatal fluid thing have better analytical abilities as well as spatial ? I am not sure about spatial and I heard the opposite from the course from Babara Oakely, yet the documentary is new and was posted today, so I am not sure what has changed, was debunked etc. Hm... otherwise for old men there are cures for testosteron or rather treatment.

Ill link the documentary I find it interesting how hormones drive humans, also that yes I remember people with higher testosteron won more often in a game, also the dominance personality trait is also conceived by oneself as how one perceives himself. So, identity plays a role and personality is how you see yourself, I like the way the researcher pointed that out.
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am still very frustrated even though I somehow enjoy life more than ever, it I figure there are unconscious believes at play, which disrupt my higher self in a sense, still I struggle again with my structure its not that I dislike routine or dicipline anymore, I am not used to doing it over a long period of time of over a month etc.

For instant eating according to my "own" nutritional plan. Going to the gym 5 times a week. Waking up on time each day even on the weekends. I was never like this, so its not as easy to change this and I am very weird with sleep I feel more awake with 6h of sleep then 7-8, yet I am way to tired in the morning and with 9-10h of sleep I feel the best in general. Yet, sleeping for so long is wasiting life time seriously, this is horrible. This is so odd feeling like I work the whole day only focusing on "things" I like that yes I do like, yet I never noticed how much of hedonic pleasure I indulge in with videos, and playing videos games. I really would like to go to a retreat for a month where I dont see any of this shit.

I dislike doing all of these orderly oriented tasks, filling out formulars to send stuff back I ordered, even taking care of the vacation I won, etc. It would be more pleasant in my head if I had a car somehow, or if the infrastructure would be great. Yet, here is nothing.

I am not very happy at the moment about how things are going, since I feel this latent lazyness of wanting to do nothing and sleeping. I dont think its depression or any of this, its more similar to not feeling in alignment of what I want, since I am not reading and or programming and just working, exercising, eating and playing some video games since I want a reward for all of this work, yet this has only been bad after the retreat befor that I did not do much video game playing. I dont know this monk still pisses me off till today.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Gratitude Journal:

I am thankful that people want to help me and are polite and let me explore in general
I am thankful for the feelings I have after meditation
I am thankful that I am meditating
I am thankful for feeling gratitude
I am thankful for having the strength of overcoming obstacels.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I thought a bit about time since I only have 3 and a half weeks left at the internship meanng this was the sixt week and it feels not good, since I did not accomplish much. I dislike that my enviroment affects me so severly and that I seem to notice it as so often a bit to late, yet potentially I am still in the perfect time plan, since I am going to do my bachelors with these scales too.

So, I certainly noticed that I waste time at work tbh just to not be deperssed I feel my brain is becoming somehow slughish when working for such long times even when I take breaks, or eat and drink healthy, my diet is not the best yet, but pretty good. Otherwise I listend to the audiobook when I brought back my laptop today, and I also enjoy that the professor gets his lab for his research and passion growing, yet the person that I am talking with is again way to family oriented I like it very modern there, and may enjoy the dinner party invitation. Yet, that is it otherwise I say Hi and we do small talks or smth. I dont neccesarily need a community especially not tribe, family community in the sense as how it is exaggerated at blue. A lot of my "mono racial" friends from family value oriented cultures have a shadow and or are just interested and enjoy this more by conditioning, so I dont blame them, yet I am way to radical for them in my speech alone, and I am not friends with them anymore anyway. Its horrible to plan with these people. I asked two friends who are more scientifically oriented and they both said yes immediately almost.

With others Id have to plan and oh look if xyz is not occuring etc. So, we could go camping what I like !! Yet, I dont quite understand how sitting at home doing nothing as usual with da fam, is better then planning a trip with your freaking family and become active. I dont get it.

Otherwise I notice now more how fast time flies by especially when working and how long it takes to produce results, At the same time I am noticing more and more how long and how short an hour can be. Now, today I lost 3 times again almost my consciouness and I am a bit confused about practice I will read today in the productivity book, and I will make a short recapitulation. Of what I can recall from the Learning .. Audiobook.

First meditation I lost my consciouness almost 2-3 times I dont know if I drop to deep, yet all my sense of self seems to vanish and I cant hold it its like I am being hit with a baseball bat, and I cant tell because it was of fatiuge or because I dropped deep. Otherwise the session today, was normal not a lot of rest, I am still not able to lable gone. And I definitely want to refelect upon post-retreat behaviour, I did not meditate to much, yet all of these old blockages definitely got stirred up and I had again a slight perception of the streamlindness of what is. So, that was good, yet this startegic approach certainly is tricky, one mistake and the whole plan does not work. 1h is fine its a good amount of pratice 1,30 would be very good I assume and 2h is excellent as a layman I presume. Otherwise, I cant afford a 10 day retreat , i mean I can yet it does not work out, I want to take part in the rohatzu and I am going to make a plan for that !!! So, I achieve some more do-nothing experience, I am not sure if I will go to a retreat on the october weekend. I will see about that.

Now, in the learning audiobook the guy talks about his process of becoming and learning a chess master as well as a principles in chess. One thing that stuck with me is to praise the process never the result. Praise the hard work, for example if I do it I say I feel happy for you that you are working so hard on your goals. Oh wow look the hard work seems to pay off. I like the effort that you bring up when doing your homework. I enjoy the company of you. I really like the way you dressed when we want to the party. etc. Instead of oh wow an A thats a good grade ! Good that you cleaned your room. You look good today. Very good that you won the chess tournement that is all that counts. Mh.. I cant come up with more I can come up easily with more process oriented praise, since this is what I received besides in freaking school...

So, anything else ? At one point the author mentioned he played chess in the slovakai, I am going to say it like that and he meet his girlfriend there and was inspired by all the self-exploration, yet his chess game suffered from his youthfull arrogance which made up his chess personality that gave him the most wins and around this section I stopped. Which made me thinking about myself when I was a very good student I used to be fascinated and loved to explore a variety of books about generalizd facts and knowledge I just read encyclopedias for kids and looked through my school books because I like biology and geology a lot. So, I will reflect a bit upon that especially the structure since I did not always do my homework and was still one of the best in class with 3-2 people better than me. I had basically everything I have now somehow, without meditation, books, food, since I think my grandma actually still cooked or my mom, till she decided oh fk my kid Ima watch TV. ???????????!!!!!?????????????

So, I just accepted that and made myself mostly pizza, I ate at least pizza every second day and this was the time where my grades declined I received my own pc, I stopped doing sports, and played video games all day long. OMFG fking american fast food, mountain, gatorade, welches, poptarts all day long playing freaking halo 2 and 3. Good times, yet not very prolific I could have done it more strategically since I played a lot of video games before, on game cube for instance harry potter and stuff like this and super mario sunshine, yet that was somehow creepy I dont know why.

I liked playing lord of the rings a lot and what else ???..... I dont know I think this is where pc games started to become more interesting which I played when I was very very little, like 3-4 years old playing Moorhuhn and Sims and Age of Empires and even diablo.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Not much today to say besids I found out that the swaying back and forwards during meditation and loosing consciouness thing is a sign of high concentration.
 

I meditated for 1h and the last 5 minutes I layed in bed and observed my mindfulness so 55 minutes of meditation technically, I am sort of bored of it now.. and a bit complacent I am not sure why. Yet, Id love to be in nature after seeing the video above. I love sound !

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am going to get back to being a bit more oderly today I actually went to the gym three times in a row because I was back home, my arm is still not healed, so I am not sure what exercises to do now because I want to go to the gym today also, I will plan my week in advance I read in the productivity book yesterday, its not so much about my approach as I see it now or the tools that I use, yet the systems and behaviours I have in place this is the biggest insight I can take from the book, again the chapter about habits was crucial and the tiny habit approach is something I want to try out more often. Also having a list with activities that are detrimental to my systemic approach of creating a behaviour system which allows me to pursue higher ideals, goals, visions, aspirations, passions etc. Instead of succumbing to lower impulses such as video games, or browsing on the net, these are the only two things currently left that are obstructing my path of becoming a highly productiv person, and then its about results. So, hm..

I also want to have a clean enviroment a unclean enviroment basically plants me into a nihilistic hobo who just lives at home and eats and lives in his dirty nest, playing video games, eating food, and talking a walk once in a while. Its been sometime since I declined to that sort of level of behaviour, now that I feel more positive and happy, taking care of hormones is more crucial then the psychology books I read so far, although they build the basis of activities and reflection neccessary to know what is going on inside the body-mind.

Now what else ?

Gratitude Journal.

I am thankful to see the sunshine today.

I am thankful for going to the gym 3 times in a row.

I am thankful that I am still keeping up with my intention to be disciplined.

I am thankful for chatting with people I like and them taking me and my thoughts seriously

I am thankful that I feel emotionally more open and that I can work on the emotional line through physical exercise ( Wilber )


Key Thingies:

- Clean Enviroment

- Plan the week

- Bullet journal is an absolute cheat technique for getting phenomenal results in productivity and I am in the 7 percentile !! Working sometimes like i am in the up 70 - 90, for a maximum of 5 days.

- Having a track record is important since people dislike breaking streaks.

- Identity is key to fear, and I unearthed so many of them its difficult to find new ones not including higher tiers, there are some I have I presume but they are already attached to some idea of sprituality.

- Have in your bullet journal some space to plan the daily tasks of your work day, yet have the structure of the week planned in advance.

- Dont eat carrot cake when Joe Bidden becomes president.

- Contemplate this weird mixture and insight I feel about america and the eu coming closer to their cultural roots.

Edited September 15, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I hope I recall the exercise correctly otherwise I want to first reflect upon my small decision I made yesterday and that I in general feel more happy working and being at the workplace then being at home or in my home town. So I deleted all games again from my laptop and will care more about things that are fun to me that I feel, like reading a bit, journaling, programming etc. So, I can work on these things including the gym and ideally also find a routine that is not 1h long. (The more toxic video games that where I am not consciouess enough...)

I also found a psychdelic that "should" still be legal here in Germany through the forum here and a quick search, yet I will postpone all of this because of my bachelors degree. I dont think it is wise or smart to do this when nothing of it is done and I need a week or longer to recover when a normal video can knock me out for 2 days. There will be some video games that I still will be playing since I dont know what else to do with my time here there are no proper hobbies or distractions that I could start such as going to the museum or smth similar. ( And they are more conscious like Divinity 2 Original Sins)

So the task was to observe microfears for a week ? Not sure anymore about macrofears. I figure most wont do this, I wrote down my fears in my physical journal and I dont have it with me now so I will write down my macro fears here and will do a quick rewatch of the task.

I will write down my macrofears here first from what I can recall and new fears.

- Fear of failure
- Fear of being ridiculed
- Fear of being great
- Fear of performance
- Fear of looking stupid
- Fear of wasps...
- Fear of my own power
- Fear of my own anger and impulsivness
- Fear of darkness
- Fear of my illusions
- Fear of pain !!
- Fear of overcoming obstacles
- Fear of death
- Fear of life itself
- Fear of being inferior
- Fear of being incompetent
- Fear of being not intelligent
- Fear of feeling vulnerable
- Fear of being better than others and showing it openly
- Fear greater people diminishing me
- Fear of feeling small
- Fear of not being satisfied
- Fear of boredom
- Fear of showing up
- Fear of being alien to others
- Fear of showing my highly compassionate nature
- Fear of being a kid
- Fear of excitement
- Fear of being couragous
- Fear of being seen as weird
- Fear of being a nerd
- Fear of racism
- Fear of ethnocentrism
- Fear of "pultocracy" or yuppies who do everything to gain status
- Fear of modern family lol

Microfears:
- Fear of getting to know people
- Fear of people recognizing me
- Fear of social rejection
- Fear of talking to people
- Fear of being made fun out of
- Fear of not getting enough sleep
- Fear of not being good enough
- Fear of rash decision which are made against me
- Fear of the reperucssions of my actions
- Fear of women making me feel inferior because I am a minority
- Fear of being treated unjustly
- Fear of eating unhealthy foods
- Fear of eating to much meat
- Fear of not eating healthy enough
- Fear of not making any progress
- Fear of stagnation
- Fear of feeling overwhelmed
- Fear of not doing enough work
- Fear of not having enough fun
- Fear of missing out
- Fear of not taking action to travel more
- Fear of to much safety
- Fear of specific people with names
- Fear of being seen as to weak
- Fear of not persevering
- Fear of projection
- Fear of being misunderstood
- Fear of people liking me
- Fear of abusing my power and control over others
- Fear of having to much impact
- Fear of correcting and critizing others
- Fear of causing drama
- Fear of drama causing people



This is enough the day is not even over and I listed all of this what I feel and felt in general through out the day toady and the years before.







How are these microfears related to my identity ?

They make me feel identified with the particular pain that I feel and therefore create a body mind concept, meaning, thought, feeling and the sensation itself build the identity, it is constructed in that particular way and by witnessing it it is actively deconstrcuted as well as the debris of the deconstruction shows what has been constructed in the first place. So, how else are they related ? To my behaviour, to me perception of myself, to the people I attract and what I avoid and how I see myself.

How are my thoughts shaped by fear ?
They are shaped by fear in a way which makes me feel depressed, avoidant, angry, resentfull, bitter, hateful, arrogant, spiteful, complacent, justified, vulnerable, despondent, deeply in pain, tortured, and they shape these feelings, they generate a victim mentallity that wants to sustain itself and when noting it it even hurts sometimes.

What am I unwilling to experience ?
Pain, uncomfortablness, exctasy, bliss, dying, death, justified hatred, vulnerability, tears of release and joy and pain, emotional freedom.


Note:
I decided to split up my meditation sessions into two times 30 minutes one time mindfulness and the other time behaviour change meditation and try this structure now, to change behaviour.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Ill just do the exercise again then Ill start coidng ill make myself some tea in the meantime.

Microfears that I had through out the day:

- Fear of saying hello
- Fear of people making fun of me
- Fear of failure or looking stupid to my professor asking for clarification
- Fear of turning on my music at the gym
- Fear of looking at a girls butt in the gym
- Fear of not being relationship potential
- Fear of going upstairs and telling them to be quiet
- Fear of going to the doctor
- Fear of wasting time
- Fear of accomplishment
- Fear of not having had enough fun or "dopamine" and looking for distractions at work
- Fear of doing something that is to repetitive

How are these microfears related to my identity ?

They are related to the way I like to see myself and not to what I could be, yet rather what I should be according to the view of myself.
It seems they are rather there to be overcome, yet the experience of them is stiffiling

How are my thoughts shaped by fear ?
They revolve around shallow things especially since I have nothing big to think about or a good book to contemplate about that is not to complicated for instance Thick Face Black Heart one of my favorites as well as something more technical for instance The Red Queen or so, so I am left sometimes to these fearful based thoughts which shape a chain of believes and fears. For example not having a girlfriend currently and postponing dating to next year, since I want to move and I know this is an excuse as well as I know well that I could date people here. According to the book Attraction it is an excuse, I could go to dating sites. Etc. Yet, then the fears kick in I dont have a car, what if she is to materialistic, then they go to more positive thoughts, most girls I know and meet would rather date a guy with potential and healthy habits then some "looser" with money who is an asshole and has no personality. I mean they both date a guy for instance or are together who both come from a lower income family in a traditionally oriented country this would not be possible. So, I know these fears are irrational and based on cultural belives that stem from the culture and not my own thinking.

And their parents are academics.

What am I unwilling to experience ?
Fear of rejection definitely, emotional pain and maybe even disgust, hatred, anger, jealousy and accepting these as part of the process of for instance dating.

Edited September 16, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Gratitude Journal:

I am thankful for my workout today.
I am thankful that most girls I meet like me and enjoy my company.
I am thankful for a beautiful day in september.
I am thankful for drinking some green tea now.
I am thankful for postivie feelings over negative feelings and fears in general.